I am amazed I’ve never talked about this. I even went back through my own archives to verify if I indeed had never written an article about this extremely important topic.
Sure enough, I haven’t. I have mentioned it in passing, but never explained it fully. So today we’re going to discuss what I think is the biggest mental difference between myself (and men like me) and most men when it comes to dating women.
The mindset is this:
When in dating mode / sarging mode, I get excited about the group of women I’m working on, not about any one particular woman.
Feel free to change the phrase “get excited about” to “get emotional about”, “get desirous for”, “can’t stop thinking about”, or even “get a little oneitisy for”. See, I get really, really excited about the current group of women that I’m working on, which is usually between 6 – 15 women at a time. I’m not going to have sex with all of those women of course…I might only end up having sex with one or two of them, and that’s fine.
What I don’t do is pick out one woman from the list and say, “OMG I hope I get her!!! She’s so HOT! She’s so SMART! Oh man, she’d be PERFECT!”
This is the exact opposite of the vast majority of men out there, including most Alpha Male / player / PUA types.
What typical beta males do is pursue one woman, and get oneitis for her and her alone.
What most Alpha / player / PUA types do is pursue a small group of woman at a time, perhaps 3 – 5 women, but they’re really excited about one of those women, and consider all the rest of the women on the list as disposable cannon fodder. It’s funny to watch…it’s almost an Alpha Male version of oneitis.
What This Does NOT Mean
Sometimes I get the impression that people who read my stuff think that when I date / sarge for new women, I’m sitting back like an emotionless robot, pressing buttons on my phone or computer, then stoically going through the motions on first dates. While it’s very true I manage my time as best I can, and do have a strict system I work with (because I know it works), that doesn’t mean I’m not getting excited about the prospects of being with a new beautiful woman.
Quite the contrary! During these times I’m as excited as the most lovestruck, oneitisy beta male after he’s been laid by a woman who is Not Like The Rest™. I check my phone, excitedly looking for new texts. I go to bed thinking about which one (or two, maybe even or three!) of these new beautiful ladies will be my next kickass MLTR (or OLTR!). I look at my spreadsheet with all those active names and do a fist pump in the air. I cheer with giddy excitement when a woman agrees to a second date “at my place”. And so on.
Yeah, man! I do all that happy, emotional, irrational, immature shit too! Seriously. I’m a human being just like you are. I’m a man, and let’s be real here, all men are teenagers at heart to a degree (especially when it comes to sex and women).
But here’s the difference between me and you…I do that for the group, not for any one particular woman. I’m excited about the group of ten women that I’m working on…you’re excited about That One Girl. We’re feeling the exact same feelings of anticipation, desire, and perhaps even a little…neediness(?). But I’m feeling it for a roster of names, a bevy of beauties, and I have no idea at the outset which ones will end up being new members of my sex life and which ones won’t. I barely even care, because they’re all wonderful in their own ways, or else I wouldn’t be talking to them in the first place. (I am bewildered at all these guys I talk to who open women they find ugly; um…why did you do that?)
You are feeling all this for one particular girl. If you encounter any problems with her, you’re pissed off or scared. If I encounter any problems with any particular woman on my list, I shrug and barely notice, then get excited about the other nine women. When you’re on a date with your One Girl, you’re outcome dependent as all hell, and it affects your game, confidence and performance, and thus, your results. When I’m out on a date, I’m excited to have sex with this new woman too, but I know she’s just one name on a large list. If it doesn’t work out, I couldn’t care less.
This makes me outcome independent, which makes me more confident and attractive. My results reflect this.
Does this mean I want to have sex with all ten women on my “active list” equally? Of course not. There will usually be three or four women on that list I might be a little more excited about than the rest. But three or four is still a hell of a lot better than One. As a matter of fact, during the very rare times I’m dealing with a much smaller list, and I find myself being a little more excited about just one of those names, I immediately check myself, and get my ass out there and add more names to that list. I don’t ever want to damage my outcome independence or my frame (and thus, my happiness).
How This Gets Even Worse
Your oneitisy attitude gets even worse if you succeed. That’s right, it gets worse. If you actually end up having sex with that One Girl a few times, you’re going to lose your frame, lose your balls, start justifying that she’s Not Like The Rest™, and then start making promises and compromises to her that…
A) You can’t keep
B) Will make you very unhappy later once the NRE wears off
Since I have “oneitis” for the group, none of that ever happens to me. I start dating a new woman in an FB or MLTR relationship, and she’s wonderful! But there will be at least one, usually two other women I’m also dating who are also wonderful. There is affection, there is NRE perhaps, there may even be love down the road, but there is never oneitis, nor the pain, fear, drama, and compromises that always accompany it.
This is why getting excited about That One Girl is a double-whammy of death. If you fail, you lose, if you succeed, you lose.
Instead, I always win. The only possible way for me to lose would be to never have sex with any of the ten women I’m working on. Because of the law of averages that never happens. I’m speaking literally here. It’s never happened. I’ve never done a concentrated blitz of openers where I didn’t have sex with someone new. Hell, even back when I was first getting started with this stuff back in the old days, I still got laid with dreadful 10-to-1 first date-to-lay ratio. Bad, but I still got laid.
The sooner you learn to get excited about the group you’re working on instead of the girl you’re working on, the sooner you’ll live a happier and more fulfilled life. And by the way, this group vs. individual concept applies to all areas of life, not just in the woman area.