Nine Steps To Avoid Neediness and Oneitis
This is one of the most important blog posts I will ever make here.
I’m not kidding.
Oneitis (check the glossary if you’re unclear about what that means) and neediness is the number one killer of men. Number one. Not a killer of the body, but of the mind, spirit, future, and happy life.
It is the bane of a man’s existence. At least 70% of all problems suffered within the first year of a relationship are because of the neediness of the male. (After the first year or so, then it’s the woman who is usually the cause of the trouble, but I’ve discussed that one to death already.) Moreover, at least 60% of your screwups in the seduction phase are going to be due to your neediness and/or oneitis and/or lack of outcome independence.
It is THE problem. This one problem leads to almost all the others.
I went back and forth on whether or not to even make a blog post about this. This topic is far too large for a single blog post, and I’m very serious about that. This one topic alone could be an entire book. A thick one. I’m going to get into specific detail on this topic, as in many chapters, in the print-and-paper Alpha male lifestyle book, but that’s a massive project and it will be a while.
So in the interim I’m just going to summarize here. I’ll give you a very, very brief summary of SOME (not all) of the things you can do to avoid oneitis and neediness with women. Let me be very clear: I will barely be scratching the surface of a very big and complicated topic, so don’t expect the keys to the universe here. Consider this a launching point for you, not the end-all.
Others have written about this topic already. Franco, one of the greatest minds in the seduction community, already wrote an article about it right here. He’s comes at it from a psychological and physiological angle and it’s very good. I suggest you check it out.
In this post, I will focus on the more practical actions and principles you can adopt to avoid this killer of men.
Here we go…
1. Realize it’s not her, it’s you.
When you get needy or oneitisy, you’re going to think it’s because she’s Not Like The Rest™ or because She’s So Great™ or because She’s So Hot™. It’s actually none of these things. The issue at hand is you, not her. The feelings of oneitis are being generated from within you, they are not something being transmitted from her to you, at least not in the literal sense.
“But BD, you don’t understand. I’ve fucked 57 women and this chick really Is Different™. I’m not just saying that because I’m some dumb AFC. She really is.”
First of all, you’re in NRE. That means you’re probably wrong about that assessment because you’re in a wildly irrational (though pleasurable) state. After a few months, once the NRE has died down, many guys have been “shocked” to find out that little miss Not Like The Rest™ is really Just Like The Rest, Only A Little Better™.
Second, even if she is different, by getting needy/oneitisy with her you are failing to remember two things:
A. There are other women out there like her. Statistically, there are millions of women out there just as good as her or better.
B. She’s not going to be in your life forever. Women don’t do that. In the modern era, ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE TEMPORARY, and that includes marriage. Making long-term commitments to a woman is an extremely dangerous thing to do these days, and if you do it while in the throws of NRE, neediness, or oneitis, it’s just that much worse.
2. Realize it’s just chemicals in your brain.
Allow me to quote Franco:
Falling in love is an organic (biological) psychosis the purpose of which is to keep two individuals long enough together to guarantee pregnancy to happen and the care of the child long enough for the child to survive.
For you Disney guys, this chick is not your soul mate. She is not the One You’ve Always Been Looking For™.
For you loser guys, this chick is not the Only Woman Who Will Fuck Me™.
For you players, this chick is not Ms. Not Like The Rest™.
In all cases, she’s just something you’re looking at that’s creating a temporary biochemical reaction in your brain rendering you very happy, stupid and irrational.
Now look. I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy a new woman in your life. I certainly enjoy that all the time. I even get NRE from time to time (I never get oneitis, but I do get NRE sometimes). So enjoy the good feelings. Consistent good feelings are what life is all about. The minute you start getting needy, or pussing out, or start to beta yourself, or stop focusing on other women, or start making compromises or promises to little miss Not Like The Rest™, you need to understand you’re placing the future of your life at risk for a few squirts of chemicals in your brain.
Keep this shit in perspective.
3. Find greater meaning in your life.
Items one and two above are what to do once the neediness or oneitis starts to hit. The rest of the items on this list, starting with this one, are to help you to prevent getting oneitis in the first place.
You need to find something in your life with meaning, and it must be beyond the basics. If all you’ve got in your life is “pay the bills” or “graduate college”, then of course you’re going to fall into the pit of oneitis whenever some really amazing girl starts to fuck you. You have no great focus or meaning to your life, so that’s what she becomes..
When I say “meaning” I’m talking about things like a calling (not a career, a calling), a spiritual belief, giving back to the world (charities, etc), art, travel, etc. You know, big-picture items. LIFE. Find something that calls to you.
4. Find a MISSION.
A mission is often, though not always, derived from your life calling. It is one, huge overriding life goal. A goal greater than all the others. One that you may damn well have to work your entire life to achieve. Your mission is personal, therefore it can be literally anything. It can be business-related, physical-related, life-related, charity-related, spiritually-related, and possibly something else. It could even be a combination of those areas.
Your mission is something that excites you and gets you out of bed in the morning. More importantly, your mission must be something life-long or close to it, therefore it cannot depend on another singular person outside of you. Your mission can’t be “make my wife the happiest person on Earth”. What if you get divorced? What if she dies? Your mission must be bigger and grander than that. It can factor on other people as long as it’s a large group of people, not just on one or two specific people.
5. Set goals and work on them.
This should be obvious. Every man reading these words should have specific goals that are written down somewhere. (Women should do this too, but it’s even more important for men.) In my day life, I give entire workshops on goal-setting. My only point here is that you should have goals that are:
A) Very specific. “Make more money” would be a bad goal. “Make $100,000 by December 31st 2012” would be an acceptable one.
B) Written down.
C) Reviewed at least occasionally. I review mine once or twice a week. My biggest goal is plastered on my office wall right above my monitor as a four-foot long banner, so I always see it and never forget it. You may not need to go to those extremes if you don’t want to, but writing down a few goals on New Years Eve and then not checking them until the next New Years isn’t going to cut it.
6. Exercise at least semi-regularly.
I have found, and you will find, that if you exercise rigorously at least once every 48 hours, you will not only have more energy, but you’re going to be a much more motivated and independently-minded person. I’m not a doctor so I’m not sure why this is, but I can tell you it’s true.
I’m not saying its impossible to get oneitis or needy if you exercise often. I am telling you that it’s harder.
7. Never allow too much time to go by without sex.
This is a big one that effects way too many of you guys out there. Any time in your life you go more than about one month without putting your cock inside a woman, you need to imagine my fist punching you in the head. For a man, going without sex for long stretches is an extremely dangerous, reckless thing to do.
Women are different. Women are able to go through a “I hate men” phase or a “I need to focus on my kids” phase or whatever, and then flip a switch in their heads and turn off the sexual desire for a year or two, and be just fine. But for us guys, that’s physically impossible. It’s not the way we work. Yes we can go without sex, but it damages us as men. It makes us less of who we are.
You need to get laid on at least a semi-regular basis. I don’t care if she’s the love of your life or some dumb bimbo you’ll never see again. I don’t care if she’s a perfect 10 or she looks like Jabba The Hutt. Get laid.
And god dammit, don’t give me any excuses. Don’t tell me you don’t have a girlfriend. Don’t tell me you’re ugly. Don’t tell me you’re married and your wife doesn’t like sex. Don’t tell me you have low testosterone and can’t get it up. Listen you bastard, stop with the excuses, identify the problem, determine how to resolve it, resolve it, and get laid. Fuck somebody, anybody, just don’t go without sex!
Going long stretches without sex for any reason is the surest way to become a needy, oneitisy, outcome dependent man. Don’t do it.
8. Whether you’re picking up women or you’re deep in a relationship, never, ever, ever focus on just one woman.
This one concept alone over-arches everything I talk about in the seduction, dating, and relationship areas. “Not focusing on the one” also has direct applications to business and personal effectiveness as well, but we’re talking about women here. Always, always, ALWAYS focus on more than one woman at a time. Always.
When you’re engaged in online dating, always be opening many women. Always be having online email dialog with many women. Always be scheduling dates with many women.
If you’re a real-life cold-approach guy, always be approaching many women. Even if you have sex with one or two of them, keep working on new women. Don’t stop.
When you’re dating, always be going out on dates with many women. Always be having sex with many women (use condoms please).
In relationships, you should always be seeing or fucking more than one woman. Even if you’re in love with Ms. Perfect. I’m not saying you need to be sleeping with seven different people…one MLTR or OLTR and one FB on the side is fine. Two is a hell of a lot better than one. Focusing on one is the problem. Always.
The MINUTE, and I mean THE MINUTE you start focusing your seduction, dating, or relationship efforts or thoughts on just one woman, 50% of the battle is immediately lost. You will now automatically become more needy, oneitisy, jealous, touchy, prone to drama and upset, and quicker to anger. The only guys who really, really get upset with me to the point of irrational rants and name-calling when I talk about monogamy not working are guys in brand new monogamous relationships. That’s not a coincidence.
To make matters worse, you will also be more likely to start compromising your happiness and long-term goals, which for a man is a huge mistake.
A lot of guys will fuck many women, but then get oneitis and go monogamous with just one. No, no, NO. You should still be fucking other women on the side, even if it’s just one FB. Note I did not say you should love more than one woman. Love is indeed only for one special woman in your life (hopefully an OLTR, not an LTR). I said you need to always be seeing or working on or fucking multiple women.
9. Don’t fall into the “average-looking woman habit”
I see a lot of guys out there do this, and it always ends up the same. Here’s what happens: A guy gets a decent amount of confidence and game to be able to go out into the world, pull chicks, and get laid. However, these chicks are all ugly or average-looking, even by the guy’s own definition. He’ll fully admit most of the chicks he fucks are ugly / fat / homely / whatever.
So far, I have no problem with that.
BUT THEN some HOT chick comes along. The guy goes for her and things happen, and WHAM! He gets oneitis. Why? “Because she’s So Hot™” or “She’s the Hottest Chick I’ve Ever Fucked™”. This is the risk you run when you focus largely on non-hot women. You’re getting laid, which is good, but you’re also creating a powerful vacuum of neediness that’s just dying to be filled by the first cute girl who comes along willing to sleep with you.
When I first got back into the game after my divorce five years ago, I made a pact with myself that I would only have sex with the hottest women I could, from gorgeous former models to 19 year-old cheerleaders to minor celebrities and on and on. I did not want a woman so much hotter than the rest that she could mesmerize me with her looks.
I have stuck to that rule and have violated it only with very rare exception. (The only women I have sex with today who are not super hot are the ones who were hot when I started seeing them but over the years have gained weight, or had deteriorated bodies because of kids they’ve had, etc…I consider them “grandfathered in” because of the trust, familiarity, or connection I have with them. But again! These are the unusual exceptions to the rule.)
Because I only have sex with women I think are really, really hot, it’s very difficult, if not impossible, for one chick to come along who is so amazingly hot I’ll lose my frame and get needy, oneitisy, dramatic, or (god forbid) monogamous. Of course there are women I meet in my life who are cooler than others, smarter than others, less dramatic than others, etc. But in terms of looks, she’ll always just be another in a long line of hotties.
I have a strong feeling you’re only doing one, two, or perhaps three of the above nine things. The rest you’re not doing or doing very half-assed. There are many more techniques and frames beyond these nine to assist you in not getting needy, but if you’re doing all nine of the above items, getting needy or oneitis is going to be difficult. I do all the above nine items religiously…
1. I take full responsibility for my feelings.
2. I always keep in mind that I’m operating with an obsolete caveman body that sometimes urges me to do stupid stuff that will damage my long-term happiness.
3. My life has great, deep meaning to me.
4. I have a MISSION. Actually I have two; one that will continue to consume me throughout my forties and into my fifties, and a second mission I’ll start working on when I’m around age 55. Can’t wait!
5. I always operate under very specific, written goals I review regularly. I’ve been doing this since I was 18 years old and it’s worked very well for me.
6. I exercise hard at least five times a week, using a heart rate monitor to make sure I’m really working my body and not bullshitting myself.
7. Old news if you’ve already read my stuff before, but I always have sex several times a week, every single week, and always with more than one woman. The only exception to this is if I’m out of town on business. (And sometimes even then…)
8. No surprise here, but I always focus on multiple women, even when I’m out of sarging mode and into hardcore relationship mode. That’s what this blog and all my ebooks are all about.
9. As I already said above, I focus 100% on women I find to be at least an “8” on a the 1 to 10 scale, or I pass.
As always, you don’t have to do exactly what I’m doing; I’m just listing the above as an example of how to put these nine items into practice in your life.
Good luck, and get it done!