A reader C.W. has this question:
I’ve been on the hunt with a few different girls and you can always tell there is another guy they are either currently with or deciding between you and him. Sometimes they say it, but others they don’t say it but you can sense it. How do you handle these situations and does anything change in your process. I usually just keep it standard process but in the past I have lost the girl because maybe I didn’t give a little more attention. Does anything benefit by giving a little more during this situation.
In the modern era with online dating, Tinder, Instagram, hungry beta males willing to promise just about anything, older sugar daddies willing to throw ungodly amounts of money at them, and various other opportunities (distractions?) for women, you can almost guarantee that in most cases there is indeed another guy in the picture with any new woman you’re attempting to bring into your sex life.
Indeed, the number one reason why a woman who appears to really like you online, or on the first or second date suddenly ghosts your ass and vanishes off the face of the Earth is because that other guy got to her first.
Sometimes this other guy can simply be another guy who hit her up on the same dating site/app as you did (or a different one). Other times this can be a returning ex. Still other times it can be one of her male co-workers or her sister’s friends.
As I said in The Ultimate Online Dating Manual, when you are talking to a woman online, you are literally the least important person in her entire life. That means that every other person in her life, including that guy who hit her up on the dating app a day before you did, is more important than you.
My favorite example of this was a woman I was attempting to date about nine or ten years ago. I met her on a dating site and drove almost an hour away to meet up with her for the first date (this was back when I was new to all of this and did a lot wrong; I would never do such a thing today.)
She was hot as hell with the exact body type and pretty face I like. Even better, she absolutely loved me on the first date and after leaving the bar she practically grabbed me in a bear hug and we made out for quite a while on the sidewalk (again, I did that wrong, don’t ever kiss women on a first date if you’re following my two-date model).
I couldn’t get her back to my place but tried that for the second date and failed. Instead, she wanted me to drive all the way back out to near her place again (an hour away, two hours in the car round trip.) I was a dumbass, so I did, and we spent quite a while going for a walk at night. Again, she was very excited, we did some sexual stuff, but I could not get her back to my place or hers.
After hours of investment into these two long damned dates with four hours in the car, when I texted her for the third meet (and hopefully the one where we closed the deal), she responded with “I’m off the market. I got back together with my ex and we’re going to give it another try.”
The good news is that she was one of those very rare women who actually had the balls to say this to me. 90% of women who ghost you for another guy will not do this. They’ll usually just vanish, and you’ll never see them again, left bewildered as to why. (Though you shouldn’t be; it’s because there was another guy in the picture all along.)
The point is that this stuff is the norm for dating in the modern era. You need to assume in advance that the woman you’re meeting up with for a first or second date (or trying to do so) has at least one other guy in the picture. If she’s under the age of 23 and good-looking there could very well be two or even three other guys on her radar in addition to you.
Again, this is normal. Don’t freak out about this and don’t get pissed off. If you were a cute girl looking for sex, attention, or a provider you’d do the same damn thing.
C.W. implies in his question that the reason he’s lost women like this is because he didn’t give them enough attention. This depends on what he means by attention. I’ll cover that in a minute, but first I need to address where he asked about how to handle this or if I handle it differently.
The answer is that I don’t handle it any differently since my entire dating system is based on the fact that there are probably other men on her radar. It’s already baked into my advice. This is why I recommend things such as:
- Before the first date, respond to her incoming online messages immediately. Do not try to play it cool and wait a few hours.
- Be polite but aggressive in scheduling that first date. Don’t dilly-dally and shoot the breeze with her, talking about all kinds of other shit. Schedule that fucking date. If she’s not sure, keep (nicely) pushing her until she gives you a date and a time (you determine the place).
- Text her the very next day after the first date. Do not try to play it cool and wait.
- After you have sex with her the first time (usually on the second date) schedule another meeting with her immediately so it happens as soon as possible so you can have sex with her again and achieve Lock-In.
And so on. Back when I was a teenager (the 1980s) you could indeed kick back and play it cool and refuse to call women back or wait days after a first date or the first time you had sex with her. That kind of thing really worked well back then. Today, that doesn’t work. There are hundreds of more distractions for women today than there were 35 years ago. You need to be aggressive and move swiftly, even if you think it’s “needy” or “beta” or “outcome dependent” to do so. It’s not if you’re following my advice of dating many women at a time instead of just one or two.
If by “attention” C.W. means that he was playing it cool and not getting back to her as quickly as he could, then yes, he needs to be more aggressive pre-Lock-In. (Lock-In means having sex with a new woman twice. This is when the dating phase ends and the relationship phase begins.)
If by “attention” he means spending more non-sexual time with her or texting her more often, then fuck no. That would be a horrible mistake and would actually drive attraction down. We’re not talking about giving women more attention here. We’re talking about aggressively setting up dates where sex is likely to occur. Those are two very different things. Once you’ve had sex twice and she’s an MLTR, give her all the attention you want on her once-a-week meet with you, not before you’ve had sex with her.
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