You just had a great first date. When do you hit her up again to schedule the second date?
You’ve been dating for seven months and she just dumped you. When do you text her again?
She just responded to your message on Bumble. Should you respond immediately or wait a little bit first?
Exactly when to text or message a woman during certain dating or relationship scenarios are some of the most common questions I receive.
Most guys tend to lean in the direction of the “old school” advice of waiting a while before responding to a woman. The rationale is that if you respond too quickly you’ll come across as too needy, too thirsty, or too beta, and your attraction will be damaged. Better to wait a little bit, let her wonder a little bit, play it cool and then respond.
This is… correct.
It’s not that simple.
As I talked about recently, we don’t live in the world that I grew up in where there was no internet, no Tinder, no Instagram, no hordes of thirsty beta males slobbering over every cute girl online, and no guys using red pill or pick-up artist game. Playing it cool and “waiting to call her back” back in those days was indeed the correct play. Waiting a while to contact a woman does indeed increase attraction, or at least it doesn’t damage it. It might piss her off, but sometimes frustration and attraction are the same thing, as I explained here.
However! Today, in the modern era, if you wait too long, even if you’re waiting for reasons that I agree with, you’ll probably lose out to the next guy in the long list of guys she has in front of her. Women move on to new partners or potential partners very fast, much faster than men. You can’t afford to wait. Not anymore.
The only time this doesn’t apply is when a woman who was in a sexual relationship with you dumps you. Now you’ll have to wait a very long time to contact her in any way, ideally six months or longer, four months at the bare minimum, as I explain here. She’s probably already moved on to another man, and while she’s with that new man, you need to stay far, far away. If you bug her while she’s with that new guy, her attraction for you drops to almost zero. If you instead vanish out of her life, when she dumps that new guy (or gets bored with him or upset with him, all of which she will do since long-term monogamy doesn’t work), her mind may actually wander back to you. This has happened with scores of women I’ve dated in the past.
The problem with both of these techniques is these are literally the opposite of what your brain will want to do.
When that cute girl you opened on Bumble responds to you, you will probably want to wait a little bit before you fire off a message back to her. All that dating advice about frame, inner game, and being a “real Alpha” will make you feel weird if you instantly respond to her. Yet responding to her instantly is indeed the correct thing to do in this case.
Conversely, when your amazingly hot MLTR suddenly does a LSNFTE and dumps your ass for a beta male, everything in your biology is going to scream at you to text the fuck out of her and try to use every trick in the book in order to get her back. Yet doing that will actually increase the odds that you’ll never have sex with her ever again. It’s the exact wrong thing to do.
Below is a list of many common dating and relationship scenarios of exactly when you should text a woman. If you follow it to the letter, your results with women will improve. If you violate it, you’ll have less sex and/or more drama and woman problems in your life. This is the most updated list I have and supersedes any similar lists I’ve posted about these things in the past. Note that these time frames are when you initiate contact. Obviously if she contacts you first before you contact her, you are free to have a conversation with her at that time (with the exception of when you’re doing a soft next).
After scheduling a first date via online dating: 2-3 days later, then the same day of the first date to confirm everything.
Just after the first date: Any time the next day.
Just after the second date if sex did not occur: Any time the next day.
You just got her number from a daygame approach: The next day, or that evening if you met her in the morning.
Just after having sex with her the first time: The very next morning, and very nice. Read this if you want to know why.
After having sex with her twice on two separate occasions: 0-2 times per week is ideal. Three times per week is not ideal and is really pushing it. More than three times per week is very bad and is a boyfriend behavior.
After she dumps you: Six months or longer is ideal, and the longer, the better. Four months is the absolute minimum.
After she ignores two contacts from you in a row on two separate occasions (texts, social media messages, whatever): If you’ve never had sex with her or only had sex with her once, she’s gone forever. Don’t bother texting her again and move on to other women. If you had sex with her at least twice, consider yourself dumped, so it’s the same rules as above (six months).
After a soft next (remember that soft nexting only applies to women you’ve had sex with at least twice): usually 48 hours to seven days. You also need to ignore all contact she makes with you during the soft nexting period. Stay strong and don’t fuck this up! Read this for more information.
After a hard next: Never. Hard nexts are permanent. Move on to other women.
After you leave town and you’ll be gone for more than a week: If she’s an MLTR, once a week. If she’s an FB, once every other week.