Once upon a time, somewhere deep in pre-socialist Scandinavia, there lived two teenage princesses. There was the sexy, blonde and buxom Elsa and the cute redheaded girl-next-door Anna.
Elsa was an ice sorceress of great power. At first, she used her ice powers to entertain herself and her sister, though over time she grew greedy and arrogant. One day the sisters quarreled, and Elsa sent a spear of ice through Anna’s shoulder, pinning her to the wall. Anna’s screams attracted the castle guards who sped Anna to the healer. Elsa was brought before her parents, the King and Queen.
The King, wishing to keep Elsa’s powers a secret, met with her and the Queen in their private chambers.
“I have warned you, Elsa,” the King admonished, “To do no harm to others with your gifts. To keep your gifts a secret, so that you may soon marry a prince and do honor to your family. But, yet again, you have used your powers for evil. This will not stand! You will be banished into the forest to live amongst the trolls, far from the kingdom, where you will harm no other.”
“Fool!” Elsa spat, “I am a Strong Independent Woman™! I need no man, prince or otherwise! I am superior to all, including you, father. It is I who shall rule.”
Before the King could speak again, Elsa sent thick shards of ice down the throats of both he and his wife the Queen; the ice melted inside their bodies, killing them as they drowned. Using a few guards she had seduced earlier, Elsa made the deaths look like drowning accidents. One week later she was coronated Queen.
The icy land withered under the authoritarian rule of Ice Queen Elsa. Her sister was allowed to remain in the castle but was distant from her. In an effort to rule all of Scandinavia, Queen Elsa invited dignitaries from other lands to meet at the castle and form military alliances.
At one of these gatherings Anna encountered the dashing Prince Hans of the Southern Isles.
“Like, OMG!” said Anna. “You’re like, sooooo cute.”
“Why, yes, I am.” Hans responded, flashing his gold teeth.
“We should, like, hook up.” Anna said, batting her eyelashes.
Hans, being a beta, was unsure of what to do. Wasting no time, Anna took him by the hand and lead him to the rear scullery chamber where they proceeded to do the funky funky. Once he was spent, Hans was struck with immediate oneitis, and asked Anna to marry him.
“OMG, hell yeah!” Anna cried, “But, fuck, we have to get permission from my bitch sister first.”
Anna dragged the frightened Hans to the throne of Queen Elsa to receive her marital blessing.
“Surely you jest.” Elsa scowled, “You wish to marry a man? Fool! We are Strong Independent Women™! We don’t need a man! Marry a woman instead. Or marry no one.”
“OMFG!” Anna cried, “Why are you such a cunt?!?”
Elsa became enraged at this, and accidentally unleashed her full powers, sending shards of ice throughout the chamber, impaling and killing many. Mass chaos erupted. Anna and Hans barely escaped with their lives. The city guard chased Elsa from the castle, and she went into exile.
Out in the wilderness, Elsa constructed a dark castle of ice as well as giant clawed snowmen troops as her personal army. She placed a curse on the entire land, condemning it to an eternal winter. There she brooded and made plans for conquest.
Leaving Hans in charge, Anna ventured out into the wilderness to hopefully make peace with her sister. At a country tavern she encountered a massive tree of a man, the great barbarian warrior Kristoff, armed with his double-bladed +5 Axe of Insta-Kill and riding his mighty man-eating reindeer steed, Sven.
“Damn, playa!” Anna said, “You’re even hotter than Hans.”
“Who’s Hans?” Kristoff rumbled.
“Oh, nobody.” Anna said, waving her hand. “Will you help me on my quest to find my bitch-whore sister?”
“First,” said Kristoff, “I shall take you to my bed and you shall take my seed. If you survive, then we shall see.”
“Okay!” Anna said.
And so, they did the funky funky all night while Hans pined away for Anna alone in the castle, hoping for her swift return.
The next day, riding atop Sven, Kristoff and a very sore Anna ventured towards Elsa’s dark castle. On the way they encountered a small, cute snowman who ventured out of the forest.
“Hello, friends!” said the snowman with a cheery smile. “My name’s Olaf!”
“You’ve got to be fuckin’ kiddin’ me.” Kristoff growled.
“My hope is to someday see the summer!” Olaf continued, “I hope that maybe – “
Kristoff swung his Axe of Insta-Kill and decapitated the small creature.
“Jesus!” Anna cried. “Did you have to actually kill him?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so.” Kristoff said. Anna shrugged and they continued.
Finally, they reached the castle of Queen Elsa. Several giant snow minions emerged and moved to attack the pair. Shoving Anna off Sven, Kristoff drew his mighty axe and charged into battle. His axe sang and minion after minion was cloven in twain. Kristoff smashed their foes as Sven ripped out their throats with his razor-sharp teeth. Soon, the evil snow-creatures were no more.
Then Elsa herself emerged from her dark castle.
“You and your smelly brute shall be the first to die under my new reign, sister.” Elsa snarled.
“You’re about to greet your ancestors in hell.” Kristoff growled, and advanced upon her.
“I told you she was a bitch.” Anna muttered.
There was a titanic battle of magic and axe. Snow and ice swirled about Elsa and Kristoff as they maneuvered to destroy one another. Then, to everyone’s surprise, the castle guard emerged from the forest, timidly led by Hans. He ran to Anna.
“Anna!” he cried, “My love! I have thought about nothing but you these past days! I have brought the King’s guard to bring you home so that we may be married and live in Disney bliss happily ever after!”
“Yeah, about that, um.” Anna hesitated, looking over at Kristoff, who smiled and flexed his pecs.
“No!” Elsa screamed. “No woman shall marry a man under the rule of Queen Elsa! You shall all DIE!” With that, she prepared her greatest and most lethal ice magics yet in an effort to slay all in the valley.
Kristoff took the opportunity and his axe hummed through the air, decapitating Elsa with one stroke. Then he walked over to Anna, picked her up and made out with her right in front of Hans with full tongue.
“Ummmm...” Hans said.
“Oh,” Anna said when she was done making out after about five minutes, “Um, yeah. Um, Hans, this is Kristoff.”
“Umm,” Hans stuttered, “Why is he– “
“I am your new King.” Kristoff rumbled, “And Anna is my woman. As is any other woman in the kingdom I wish. Are there any dead men here who would disagree?”
All the guards started whistling and looking around nervously. Hans just stood dumbfounded and said, “Uh, I suppose not.”
And so it was that the curse was lifted from the land. King Kristoff and Queen Anna lived happily ever after with Elsa’s head mounted on a spike at the head of the castle. (Until a few years later when the King and Queen got a divorce and Kristoff upgraded to a teenage she-troll when Anna became too old. But that is another story.)
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