Once upon a time, somewhere deep in pre-socialist Scandinavia, there lived two teenage princesses. There was the sexy, blonde and buxom Elsa and the cute redheaded girl-next-door Anna.

Elsa was an ice sorceress of great power. At first, she used her ice powers to entertain herself and her sister, though over time she grew greedy and arrogant. One day the sisters quarreled, and Elsa sent a spear of ice through Anna’s shoulder, pinning her to the wall. Anna’s screams attracted the castle guards who sped Anna to the healer. Elsa was brought before her parents, the King and Queen. 

The King, wishing to keep Elsa’s powers a secret, met with her and the Queen in their private chambers.  

“I have warned you, Elsa,” the King admonished, “To do no harm to others with your gifts. To keep your gifts a secret, so that you may soon marry a prince and do honor to your family. But, yet again, you have used your powers for evil. This will not stand! You will be banished into the forest to live amongst the trolls, far from the kingdom, where you will harm no other.” 

“Fool!” Elsa spat, “I am a Strong Independent Woman™! I need no man, prince or otherwise! I am superior to all, including you, father. It is I who shall rule.” 

Before the King could speak again, Elsa sent thick shards of ice down the throats of both he and his wife the Queen; the ice melted inside their bodies, killing them as they drowned. Using a few guards she had seduced earlier, Elsa made the deaths look like drowning accidents. One week later she was coronated Queen. 

The icy land withered under the authoritarian rule of Ice Queen Elsa. Her sister was allowed to remain in the castle but was distant from her. In an effort to rule all of Scandinavia, Queen Elsa invited dignitaries from other lands to meet at the castle and form military alliances. 

At one of these gatherings Anna encountered the dashing Prince Hans of the Southern Isles.  

“Like, OMG!” said Anna. “You’re like, sooooo cute.” 

“Why, yes, I am.” Hans responded, flashing his gold teeth. 

“We should, like, hook up.” Anna said, batting her eyelashes. 

Hans, being a beta, was unsure of what to do. Wasting no time, Anna took him by the hand and lead him to the rear scullery chamber where they proceeded to do the funky funky. Once he was spent, Hans was struck with immediate oneitis, and asked Anna to marry him.  

“OMG, hell yeah!” Anna cried, “But, fuck, we have to get permission from my bitch sister first.” 

Anna dragged the frightened Hans to the throne of Queen Elsa to receive her marital blessing.  

“Surely you jest.” Elsa scowled, “You wish to marry a man? Fool! We are Strong Independent Women™! We don’t need a man! Marry a woman instead. Or marry no one.” 

“OMFG!” Anna cried, “Why are you such a cunt?!?” 

Elsa became enraged at this, and accidentally unleashed her full powers, sending shards of ice throughout the chamber, impaling and killing many. Mass chaos erupted. Anna and Hans barely escaped with their lives. The city guard chased Elsa from the castle, and she went into exile. 

Out in the wilderness, Elsa constructed a dark castle of ice as well as giant clawed snowmen troops as her personal army. She placed a curse on the entire land, condemning it to an eternal winter. There she brooded and made plans for conquest. 

Leaving Hans in charge, Anna ventured out into the wilderness to hopefully make peace with her sister. At a country tavern she encountered a massive tree of a man, the great barbarian warrior Kristoff, armed with his double-bladed +5 Axe of Insta-Kill and riding his mighty man-eating reindeer steed, Sven. 

“Damn, playa!” Anna said, “You’re even hotter than Hans.” 

“Who’s Hans?” Kristoff rumbled. 

“Oh, nobody.” Anna said, waving her hand. “Will you help me on my quest to find my bitch-whore sister?” 

“First,” said Kristoff, “I shall take you to my bed and you shall take my seed. If you survive, then we shall see.” 

“Okay!” Anna said.  

And so, they did the funky funky all night while Hans pined away for Anna alone in the castle, hoping for her swift return. 

The next day, riding atop Sven, Kristoff and a very sore Anna ventured towards Elsa’s dark castle. On the way they encountered a small, cute snowman who ventured out of the forest. 

“Hello, friends!” said the snowman with a cheery smile. “My name’s Olaf!” 

“You’ve got to be fuckin’ kiddin’ me.” Kristoff growled. 

“My hope is to someday see the summer!” Olaf continued, “I hope that maybe – “ 

 Kristoff swung his Axe of Insta-Kill and decapitated the small creature. 

“Jesus!” Anna cried. “Did you have to actually kill him?” 

“Yes, I’m afraid so.” Kristoff said. Anna shrugged and they continued. 

Finally, they reached the castle of Queen Elsa. Several giant snow minions emerged and moved to attack the pair. Shoving Anna off Sven, Kristoff drew his mighty axe and charged into battle. His axe sang and minion after minion was cloven in twain. Kristoff smashed their foes as Sven ripped out their throats with his razor-sharp teeth. Soon, the evil snow-creatures were no more. 

Then Elsa herself emerged from her dark castle.  

“You and your smelly brute shall be the first to die under my new reign, sister.” Elsa snarled. 

“You’re about to greet your ancestors in hell.” Kristoff growled, and advanced upon her. 

“I told you she was a bitch.” Anna muttered. 

There was a titanic battle of magic and axe. Snow and ice swirled about Elsa and Kristoff as they maneuvered to destroy one another. Then, to everyone’s surprise, the castle guard emerged from the forest, timidly led by Hans. He ran to Anna. 

“Anna!” he cried, “My love! I have thought about nothing but you these past days! I have brought the King’s guard to bring you home so that we may be married and live in Disney bliss happily ever after!” 

“Yeah, about that, um.” Anna hesitated, looking over at Kristoff, who smiled and flexed his pecs. 

“No!” Elsa screamed. “No woman shall marry a man under the rule of Queen Elsa! You shall all DIE!” With that, she prepared her greatest and most lethal ice magics yet in an effort to slay all in the valley. 

Kristoff took the opportunity and his axe hummed through the air, decapitating Elsa with one stroke. Then he walked over to Anna, picked her up and made out with her right in front of Hans with full tongue. 

“Ummmm...” Hans said.  

Oh,” Anna said when she was done making out after about five minutes, “Um, yeah. Um, Hans, this is Kristoff.” 

“Umm,” Hans stuttered, “Why is he– “ 

“I am your new King.” Kristoff rumbled, “And Anna is my woman. As is any other woman in the kingdom I wish. Are there any dead men here who would disagree?” 

All the guards started whistling and looking around nervously. Hans just stood dumbfounded and said, “Uh, I suppose not.” 

And so it was that the curse was lifted from the land. King Kristoff and Queen Anna lived happily ever after with Elsa’s head mounted on a spike at the head of the castle. (Until a few years later when the King and Queen got a divorce and Kristoff upgraded to a teenage she-troll when Anna became too old. But that is another story.) 

The End. 

26 Comments on “Alpha Male Fairy Tales: Frozen

  1. Damn, and here I was hoping for a threesome scenario with the two sisters, BJ sandwich or an eiffel tower scenario!

    “But that is another story” I managed to read that as if it were the end of The Neverending Story.

  2. so how’s that disney+ working out for you? it’s great, ain’t it?! i just got it too! that family plan is the business.

  3. lol Can’t wait for the sequel where Anna hears voices from her sister’s ghost to enslave every being with a cock n balls or put them all to death because…reasons.

    Fuck me christ, girl power today sucks and is horrifyingly cringeworthy. Say what you want about the spice girls and lilith fair, but at least the spice girls were attractive and the chicks who performed in the lilith fair made decent music. It wasn’t try hard and it was organic.

    Even if Sarah McLachlan’s music has become a meme for animal rights, back in 1996-1997 she was legit.

    But now…

  4. We must all bow down to our new Disney masters.

    You know it. Disney: The church for atheists! You can’t escape bitches.

    Sounds like something that the geniuses at Disney would make up.

    Speaking of, Red Letter Media did a hilarious bit about Disney in their latest Nerd Crew (it’s a parody gamma male nerd show). In one part they go through a whole bunch of tertiary streaming services and it sounds like a joke, but 90% of them are real channels that existed at some point in time. And apparently the official Rise of Skywalker poster is a high-res image of an action figure. I can’t make this shit up.

  5. Nice allegorical tale.

    Now seriously, how do you deal with a “Strong Independent Woman” that “banned” you from her store ?

    Cheers,

  6. Yes, I know all about trolls. As a 50 y.o norwegian poly alpha male, it’s difficult to keep my frame without shaming from both older and younger women, my family and friends…

  7. how do you deal with a “Strong Independent Woman” that “banned” you from her store ?

    Don’t go to that store anymore.

    And maybe stop getting banned from stores.

  8. how do you deal with a “Strong Independent Woman” that “banned” you from her store?

    Did you get banned for a reason? I mean if you did something stupid that you would ban someone for, then that’s on you my dude.

    Is it a place you go to often, like you need to buy stuff from there all the time?

    If you’re nonwhite and she’s white, you can probably get her in trouble for being racist if you are inclined to go that route.

     90% of them are real channels that existed at some point in time.

    Ohhhhh yeah. Google a dude named Andy Warski. He’s probably one of the most infamous of the gamma male channels.

  9. it’s difficult to keep my frame without shaming from both older and younger women, my family and friends…

    tbh I have straight up given up on trying to impress any of those types.

    I’m at the point where there are only two kinds of people I seek to impress: Myself and those who pay me. That’s it. Everyone else could disappear from my life tomorrow and I wouldn’t shrug.

  10.  Kristoff swung his Axe of Insta-Kill and decapitated the small creature.
    “Jesus!” Anna cried. “Did you have to actually kill him?”
    “Yes, I’m afraid so.” Kristoff said. Anna shrugged and they continued.

    Jesus man, thank you for that, I’d say LOL but I….actually LOL’d. You’re right, she hamstered it right away.

    You know it. Disney: The church for atheists! 

    um….Disney is just another cult, and cults are sort of, you know, not for atheists. Atheists, generally, are people who hold the scientific method in highest regard, and conclude both ruefully and cheerfully that we’re just self aware sacks of meat here for a limited time.
    Also, we tend to accept the reality of evolutionary psychology, and everything that entails. Not exactly Disney. Having cocks shaped like plungers and “blockers” in our nut shots is not exactly Disney.
    BD’s been banging on about Disney for about as long as his blog’s been up, for good reason, and this one cracked me up.

  11. @joelsuf and @BD

    Folks, the store is not an actual *store*, but a *gym*. I pursued the manager when she was there. Few days ago, I  *insulted* her gf who also works there, saying “Do I know you from such and such niteclub and you were pouring drinks/working there ? Big deal, I was just chatting that one up to create some competition anx…which is what a healthy male should do. If you don’t create some friction, you’re intentions are bland and you’ll be labeled an orbiter. We all know that. We’re not high-schoolers here.

    I also gave the girl (not the gf) a hug one late evening after the shop closed…and it was kind of dark there (not my fault for poor lighting) as she exited the bldg. towards the parking lot (to be clear, she accepted it).

    So nothing out of the ordinarily, nothing weird, but clearly pursuing, not daydreaming.

    THEN THIS:

    Since your actions are making our staff extremely uncomfortable, you cannot attend this gym anymore.”

    CONCLUSION

    Bitches be bitches.

    Hypergamy excuse I say, since she’s chasing bigger prey –Disney fantasy garbage -and possibly doesn’t see me at that level.

    As far as I’m concerned, I was a “perfect gentleman” every time I came and left through that door. I remember now one day, as she was going towards the bathrooms I was standing (changing and stuffing my bag) I SHOUD HAVE gone to her and slap her on her ass for how she was walking. But I didn’t [there wasn’t anyone else around to see it that as far as I can remember.] That is my only regret.

     

     

     

  12. I actually dug through multiple email accounts hoping to find some sort of promotional material for a Black Friday deal from you.

    Nobody else on the internet could get that sort of interest from me and I study obsessively.  Everyone else out there is just noise.

     

    Sadly I didn’t find a subscription (I swear I was subscribed, maybe I just come back here that much) and the aweber link expired for future discounts from when I bought your Open Relationships book.

     

    If you’re doing any sort of deal, I’m interested in hearing it.  My future is already unbelievably cooler than I ever thought it would be a few years ago.  Been a student of you since 2017 and my women and business life could hardly be better now.  I want total mastery though and I won’t be 28 forever.  You’ve got a lifelong fan here, in the Kevin Kelly sense.  Thanks for being you man, I appreciate your mission.  It practically saved mine.

  13. Thank you BD

    great post in fiction but can you gives some hints about how to see trends into the future?

    You already predicted one ..when I read that several cities in different  countries have already shut down brothels…but in this case the only human is the paying customer..the employees are sex dolls!  No one can explain the exact crime being committed… lol.. offending strong independent women ?

    Love the category you posted this too very creative

    HS

     

     

  14. If you’re nonwhite and she’s white, you can probably get her in trouble for being racist if you are inclined to go that route.

    What the actual fuck joelsuf? What kind of advice is this?

    If a non-white man is banned from a gym by a white woman chances are it’s for something he did. Trying to make out that it’s due to her being racist is fucking pathetic. You’re encouraging victim culture which is totally against the Alpha 2.0 ethos.

  15. I actually dug through multiple email accounts hoping to find some sort of promotional material for a Black Friday deal from you.

    Normally I would, but I just ended a big promotion on Monday, and I don’t want to overwhelm my audience with a massive barrage of marketing offers all at once.

    I market to my audience a lot. And will continue to do so. But there’s a limit to it.

    Nobody else on the internet could get that sort of interest from me and I study obsessively.  Everyone else out there is just noise.

    Thank you!

    If I make my weight goal by Dec 28th next month, I’ll put my stuff on sale then.

    My future is already unbelievably cooler than I ever thought it would be a few years ago.  Been a student of you since 2017 and my women and business life could hardly be better now.  I want total mastery though and I won’t be 28 forever.  You’ve got a lifelong fan here, in the Kevin Kelly sense.  Thanks for being you man, I appreciate your mission.  It practically saved mine.

    Love it. I’m glad I could help!

    I’ve actually received emails from guys who said they were planning on killing themselves before finding my material and it helped turn their lives around. Not much humbles me but that certainly does.

    great post in fiction but can you gives some hints about how to see trends into the future?

    Sure. Added to the topic list.

    You already predicted one ..when I read that several cities in different countries have already shut down brothels…but in this case the only human is the paying customer..the employees are sex dolls! No one can explain the exact crime being committed… lol.. offending strong independent women ?

    Yup. Women do not want the competition from sex dolls and are going to do everything in their power to make these things illegal under the auspices of protecting these machines from being abused or raped. Yes, I’ve actually read articles from psycho left-wingers stating exactly this. (I think we should protect toasters and microwaves and blow-up dolls from being raped too. Brainless machines have rights, people!!!)

    It’s the exact same reason why most left-wing women over 30 are against the legalization of prostitution. Wait a minute Sweetie, I thought you enlightened liberals were against prostitution being illegal… hmmmmm?

    We’re headed into very interesting waters. I’m so glad I’m Alpha 2.0 and don’t have to worry about these things.

  16. Yup. Women do not want the competition from sex dolls and are going to do everything in their power to make these things illegal under the auspices of protecting these machines from being abused or raped

    It cracks me up, particularly when I think how many articles I’ve seen in women’s magazines, gently encouraging women to try vibrators and dildos alone at home, without a partner, to better understand their own bodies and to determine what gives them pleasure, so that later they can firmly and confidently explain what they want. For some reason, its okay for them to objectify a male cock, complete with veins and an unrealistic eight inches long, but …

  17. so that later they can firmly and confidently explain what they want

    this one’s a game changer for sure

  18. how many articles I’ve seen in women’s magazines, gently encouraging women to try vibrators and dildos alone at home, without a partner, to better understand their own bodies and to determine what gives them pleasure, so that later they can firmly and confidently explain what they want

    Not to mention that most women very much get off on a man taking control, something a vibrator has a damned hard time doing.

  19. What the actual fuck joelsuf? What kind of advice is this?

    I wasn’t being serious. I was baiting more than anything. But yes if you aren’t white in the US you can pretty much accuse anyone of being racist and sue the shit out of them for no reason lol. Just some silly observation more than anything.

    Few days ago, I  *insulted* her gf who also works there, saying “Do I know you from such and such niteclub and you were pouring drinks/working there ? Big deal, I was just chatting that one up to create some competition anx…which is what a healthy male should do. If you don’t create some friction, you’re intentions are bland and you’ll be labeled an orbiter. We all know that. We’re not high-schoolers here.

    Soooo “tactics” and a mindset from 15 years ago (which never worked btw) on a chick who works at his local gym. Dude deserved to get the boot from there. There is no “creating fiction.” Chicks can see right through that. Have a normal conversation. Be interesting, friendly, mature, and cool. Invite somewhere. Rinse and repeat. Create the friction when you are on a date with the chick.

    Your dialogue sounded really try-hard and outcome dependent. And then there’s this:

    I also gave the girl (not the gf) a hug one late evening after the shop closed…and it was kind of dark there (not my fault for poor lighting) as she exited the bldg. towards the parking lot (to be clear, she accepted it).

    Sooooo you waited until the place closed so you could give her a hug? After “negging” her without any real rapport being built?

    Nothing creepy about that at all. Nah. This won’t make you “the dude who hits on the chicks at the counter.”

    Which is why you got banned. No, it’s not “Bitches be bitches.” Its them protecting themselves from you. Sorry, my dude. Swap the genders and the same thing would probably happen.

    In fact, let’s do that. Say you’re working and a chick who you aren’t attracted to makes fun of you. Then sticks around to flirt with you after your shift is over. Would you not be highly uncomfortable or at least put under pressure?

    One of the chicks who worked the counter felt threatened. And rightly so since one of the members of the gym waited until the place closed to flirt. Same dude who was using cringe PUAism tactics from nearly 15 years ago and trust me, when chicks are encountered by that kind of stuff, they show no mercy. Which is good, because the sooner PUAism from 2003 to 2011 or so gets eliminated from a dude’s discourse options when trying to get chicks, the better. Make pickup normal…for the first time lol.

    It’s one thing to have a normal and playful conversation with a chick who works the counter at the gym then maybe invite them somewhere after enough rapport is built. If you’re willing to play the long game that is fine, that’s how day game is especially if its social circle and if its a chick who works at a place you go to regularly its pretty much social circle + day game so now the pace is extra sloooooow. It has to be: You come in and see them regularly. So you need to be a person who they are comfortable with. Were you that person?

    It’s another thing entirely to neg them, then wait until the damn place closes so you can flirt with them while walking them to their car or whatever (which she probably did not want). I still can’t get over that. LMAO wow.

    Thanks for reminding me why I got banned for life from Roosh and RSD’s boards. I’m too normal for PUAism.

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