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One of the fundamental techniques for successful first dates is to let the woman do 80% of the talking. The problem is that most guys don’t know how to do this. While I talk about a specific and easy-to-follow structure in my primary dating manual, Get to Sex Fast, today I will provide a smattering of one-off techniques that will help you. I first need to explain why you want her to do at least 80% of the talking on a first date since some of you may be unfamiliar with this concept.
-By Caleb Jones
I have discussed many times in my books and blogs, when it comes to sexual partners, men look to qualify, and women look to disqualify. In other words, when you’re looking to get laid, you’re looking for things you want such as long hair, big boobs, pretty eyes, whatever.
Women are a little different. Since women live in a constant state of sexual abundance, they, instead of looking for what they like, keep a constant eye out for what they don’t like. If you want a live demonstration of this, watch a woman actually go through pictures of men on an online dating site. You’ll get quite an education on how women disqualify men. You’ll hear a constant stream of complaints like:
Nope. His hairstyle is stupid. Oh my god. Why is he wearing that hat? Wow. He needs to get his teeth whitened. His expression is weird. He looks like a girl. He has to take a picture with his motorcycle? Really? Next!
And so on. Since, unfortunately, women are the sexual choosers in our society, their brains meticulously scan for flaws in men like radar in a way most men don’t with women. I mean, lets be honest, as long as a woman is even barely fuckable, you’d probably hit it. Right? Right. You don’t care what kind of fucking shirt she’s wearing or if she’s wearing a stupid hat. But women care. A lot.
This expands to the first date when she starts listening to you talk. Whether or not she’s aware of it, her scanners are on full blast to see if you say anything she doesn’t like. She could be seriously attracted to you 30 minutes into that first date, but if you say one thing that she finds stupid or offensive, you’re out! It happened to me many times before I realized what was going on, and I promise it’s happened to you too.
The objective, then, is to keep your god damn mouth shut during a first date and let her do at least 80% of the talking. This accomplishes several important things:
1. The less you say, the lower the odds are of you saying anything she won’t like. This is the most important reason by far. I promise that if you just start talking in a relaxed manner, you will say something she doesn’t like. The odds are overwhelming.
2. Getting her talking and keeping her talking reduces her nervousness, sometimes almost immediately. I’ve had many first dates where the woman was near-terrified at the start and within ten minutes she was relaxed and smiling, just because I made sure she talked a lot.
3. It increases her amount of sexual comfort with you, thus lowering ASD, because she’s talking so much. She feels like “she can talk you.” Women process the world by talking. It’s very important she feels like “she can talk to you” and that you will A) listen to her; B) won’t judge her.
The catch is that keeping your damn mouth shut is often difficult for extroverted men, highly opinionated men, nervous men, and men with shitty game. Unless they’re celebrities or have some other massive form of social proof, it is extremely difficult for very talkative guys to get laid. (Note: I’m talking about a date or a first meet; I’m not referring to high-octane night game or similar scenarios.) You must learn how to shut the fuck up and just let her talk. It’s not that hard once you get into the habit. And your sexual results will dramatically increase. It’s worth it. (Once you’ve had sex with her twice and lock her in, then you can talk all you want.)
Women are a little different. Since women live in a constant state of sexual abundance, they, instead of looking for what they like, keep a constant eye out for what they don’t like. If you want a live demonstration of this, watch a woman actually go through pictures of men on an online dating site. You’ll get quite an education on how women disqualify men. You’ll hear a constant stream of complaints like:
Nope. His hairstyle is stupid. Oh my god. Why is he wearing that hat? Wow. He needs to get his teeth whitened. His expression is weird. He looks like a girl. He has to take a picture with his motorcycle? Really? Next!
And so on. Since, unfortunately, women are the sexual choosers in our society, their brains meticulously scan for flaws in men like radar in a way most men don’t with women. I mean, lets be honest, as long as a woman is even barely fuckable, you’d probably hit it. Right? Right. You don’t care what kind of fucking shirt she’s wearing or if she’s wearing a stupid hat. But women care. A lot.
This expands to the first date when she starts listening to you talk. Whether or not she’s aware of it, her scanners are on full blast to see if you say anything she doesn’t like. She could be seriously attracted to you 30 minutes into that first date, but if you say one thing that she finds stupid or offensive, you’re out! It happened to me many times before I realized what was going on, and I promise it’s happened to you too.
The objective, then, is to keep your god damn mouth shut during a first date and let her do at least 80% of the talking. This accomplishes several important things:
1. The less you say, the lower the odds are of you saying anything she won’t like. This is the most important reason by far. I promise that if you just start talking in a relaxed manner, you will say something she doesn’t like. The odds are overwhelming.
2. Getting her talking and keeping her talking reduces her nervousness, sometimes almost immediately. I’ve had many first dates where the woman was near-terrified at the start and within ten minutes she was relaxed and smiling, just because I made sure she talked a lot.
3. It increases her amount of sexual comfort with you, thus lowering ASD, because she’s talking so much. She feels like “she can talk you.” Women process the world by talking. It’s very important she feels like “she can talk to you” and that you will A) listen to her; B) won’t judge her.
The catch is that keeping your damn mouth shut is often difficult for extroverted men, highly opinionated men, nervous men, and men with shitty game. Unless they’re celebrities or have some other massive form of social proof, it is extremely difficult for very talkative guys to get laid. (Note: I’m talking about a date or a first meet; I’m not referring to high-octane night game or similar scenarios.) You must learn how to shut the fuck up and just let her talk. It’s not that hard once you get into the habit. And your sexual results will dramatically increase. It’s worth it. (Once you’ve had sex with her twice and lock her in, then you can talk all you want.)
Here’s a few techniques that will help you do this:
1. Take several deep breaths and force yourself to relax right before entering the first date venue. Often, men talk a lot because they’re nervous. The less nervous you are, the less likely you’ll talk too much. This is much easier for more outcome independent men, but if you’re not in that category yet, get in the habit of standing in a quiet place right before the first date/meet and taking a few deep breaths and centering yourself. The Get to Sex Fast book has a lot of specific techniques on this.
2. Don’t talk unless you’re asking a question. The person asking the questions is the one controlling the conversation. Therefore, you need to be the one asking the questions. Most of your statements on a first date should end with some kind of question. This will keep her talking and you quiet (hopefully). This applies to online dating as well.
3. Redirect if you are asked a question. If you are asked a question, that’s fine. Answer it, then follow up with a question of your own. Again, don’t let her take charge of the conversation! YOU need to be the one asking most of the questions.
An important side-note about this: Women who are provider hunters, Dominants, or who are over the age of 33 will often place you in “job interview mode” when on a first date, and will start drilling you with questions about your job, family, sexual history, education, and so on. Don’t fall into this trap. Once she blurts out the third question from her Future Beta Male Husband Questionnaire List™, smile, and gently ask her if you’re on a job interview. Then laugh, and shift the conversation to more pleasant, casual, or interesting topics. If this doesn’t work, you’re probably screwed since this woman isn’t interested in fast sex no matter what you do and is more focused on looking for her next ex-husband, but at least give it a shot.
4. Keep probing until you find a topic she really likes. Most women have a topic that really turns them on and gets them excited. Your job is to uncover what this is. Once you do, she will get animated as hell and start rambling about it for 25 minutes straight, and that’s GREAT. I once had a woman talking about her three dogs nonstop for 30 minutes. We had sex at the very start of the second date. I had another woman talking about stage crew work for plays she worked on (yes, I’m serious) again for about 30 minutes and had sex just as fast. I could give you so many examples. Uncovering a woman’s Happy Topic is really powerful.
Often you won’t find this secret topic, but you should try anyway. Keep asking more questions, going deeper, until you uncover her Happy Topic. One note of warning: For this technique to work, a woman’s Happy Topic can’t be anything having to do with politics. If she starts nonstop ranting about GMOs, Trump, or bees going extinct, this is going to put her into a negative state, so obviously you don’t want to go there. Read this for more detail.
This is a very big topic, but the above techniques will get you started. As is the case with so many other dating techniques, self-awareness is where you need to start. Be aware of how much you talk on first dates and set a goal to reduce it immediately.
Want over 35 hours of how-to podcasts on how to improve your woman life and financial life? Want to be able to coach with me twice a month? Want access to hours of technique-based video and audio? The SMIC Program is a monthly podcast and coaching program where you get access to massive amounts of exclusive, members-only Alpha 2.0 content as soon as you sign up, and you can cancel whenever you want. Click here for the details.
1. Take several deep breaths and force yourself to relax right before entering the first date venue. Often, men talk a lot because they’re nervous. The less nervous you are, the less likely you’ll talk too much. This is much easier for more outcome independent men, but if you’re not in that category yet, get in the habit of standing in a quiet place right before the first date/meet and taking a few deep breaths and centering yourself. The Get to Sex Fast book has a lot of specific techniques on this.
2. Don’t talk unless you’re asking a question. The person asking the questions is the one controlling the conversation. Therefore, you need to be the one asking the questions. Most of your statements on a first date should end with some kind of question. This will keep her talking and you quiet (hopefully). This applies to online dating as well.
3. Redirect if you are asked a question. If you are asked a question, that’s fine. Answer it, then follow up with a question of your own. Again, don’t let her take charge of the conversation! YOU need to be the one asking most of the questions.
An important side-note about this: Women who are provider hunters, Dominants, or who are over the age of 33 will often place you in “job interview mode” when on a first date, and will start drilling you with questions about your job, family, sexual history, education, and so on. Don’t fall into this trap. Once she blurts out the third question from her Future Beta Male Husband Questionnaire List™, smile, and gently ask her if you’re on a job interview. Then laugh, and shift the conversation to more pleasant, casual, or interesting topics. If this doesn’t work, you’re probably screwed since this woman isn’t interested in fast sex no matter what you do and is more focused on looking for her next ex-husband, but at least give it a shot.
4. Keep probing until you find a topic she really likes. Most women have a topic that really turns them on and gets them excited. Your job is to uncover what this is. Once you do, she will get animated as hell and start rambling about it for 25 minutes straight, and that’s GREAT. I once had a woman talking about her three dogs nonstop for 30 minutes. We had sex at the very start of the second date. I had another woman talking about stage crew work for plays she worked on (yes, I’m serious) again for about 30 minutes and had sex just as fast. I could give you so many examples. Uncovering a woman’s Happy Topic is really powerful.
Often you won’t find this secret topic, but you should try anyway. Keep asking more questions, going deeper, until you uncover her Happy Topic. One note of warning: For this technique to work, a woman’s Happy Topic can’t be anything having to do with politics. If she starts nonstop ranting about GMOs, Trump, or bees going extinct, this is going to put her into a negative state, so obviously you don’t want to go there. Read this for more detail.
This is a very big topic, but the above techniques will get you started. As is the case with so many other dating techniques, self-awareness is where you need to start. Be aware of how much you talk on first dates and set a goal to reduce it immediately.
Want over 35 hours of how-to podcasts on how to improve your woman life and financial life? Want to be able to coach with me twice a month? Want access to hours of technique-based video and audio? The SMIC Program is a monthly podcast and coaching program where you get access to massive amounts of exclusive, members-only Alpha 2.0 content as soon as you sign up, and you can cancel whenever you want. Click here for the details.