What if I told you that sexual variety could mean one of two very different things? There’s a lot of confusion about this. Understanding the difference between these two things will clear up a lot of problems you have in your relationships with women and in terms of your own mental clarity regarding what you want (and perhaps, what you don’t want). 

Very often men will lament that they are in constant need of sexual variety. Symptoms of this include behaviors such as: 

– Getting sexually bored with women relatively quickly.  

Lots of cheating. 

– Frequent masturbating to porn even when the hot girl you’re dating is in the next room. 

– Extreme Thrill of the Hunt behaviors like going out to get laid just to get laid even when you don’t need to. (I address that specific problem here.) 

– Having trouble getting hard or otherwise sexually aroused while having sex with a super hot woman because you’ve already had sex with her “too many times” before. 

These guys will curse the fact they are men, and that this “horrible need for sexual variety” is screwing up their lives. 

Guess what? 

The need for sexual variety isn’t their problem. 

As I’ve been saying for over a decade here, all men need sexual variety. It’s the way we are designed at a core biological level. That’s one of the many reasons why long-term sexual monogamy doesn’t work. Once NRE dies down, men hate being monogamous regardless of how amazing their girlfriend or wife is. (Women hate it too, but women’s hatred for long-term sexual monogamy manifests in very different ways and is beyond the scope of this article.) 

So, if you’re complaining you need sexual variety and you have a penis, congratulations! You’re normal. Indeed, you would be the oddball exception to the rule if you didn’t need any sexual variety at all. 

However, there is another condition that is often mistaken for the need for sexual variety, and that is the need for sexual newness. I will define both of them and show you that they are, in fact, two completely different things. 

Sexual Variety 

Sexual variety is the need for having multiple sexual partners over a prolonged period of time. For a while you might be perfectly fine having sex with just one woman over and over again, but since you’re a man, eventually you’re going to want to have sex with a different woman (or women!). That doesn’t mean you want to leave the woman you’re currently with; the odds are high you want to stay with her while having sex with one or more other women on the side. 

The word “eventually” in the above paragraph varies based on the man. “Eventually” might mean two years for you or two months. The point is that “eventually” always arrives… eventually. 

There is no “cure” for the need for sexual variety. It’s a hard-coded feature in human biology, not a bug. In this article here, which I highly recommend you read since it’s a strong companion to the article you’re now reading, I explain that even a man who sows all of his wild oats and lives out every sexual fantasy he’s ever had (I am one of these men) will still not get the need for sexual variety “out of his system.” He can never get that “out of his system” since it’s part of his system. All it will do is get his desire for the crazy sexual stuff out of his system, but “crazy sexual stuff” is not “variety.”

For example, I’ve lived out every sexual fantasy I’ve ever wanted or conceived of and done so many times with many women. That means that today, I don’t need to do the crazy stuff anymore. I don’t need to do a threesome with two 18 year-olds, or have sex with a minor celebrity, or have sex with several women in the same family. Been there and done all of that, so I’m good. I never need to do that crazy shit ever again. (I said I didn’t need to do that crazy stuff, and I don’t. But if it was freely offered, I wouldn’t say no either.) 

That doesn’t mean now I can “settle down” and be monogamous with one woman for the rest of my life. Nope, I’m a man and a human being, so the need for sexual variety can’t be cured. So even though I’m married to Pink Firefly and she’s my physical and sexual feminine ideal (and she is), I will still have one or two FBs on the side for the rest of my life. I just don’t need to bang a bunch of my FBs all at the same time while swinging on a chandelier somewhere. It’s just normal sex for me now, since that’s all I need. 

Sexual Newness 

The need for sexual newness is very different than the need for sexual variety.   

Sexual variety means you need multiple women over a period of time. 

Sexual newness means you constantly need new women. 

There’s a huge difference between those two things. 

I need sexual variety. I don’t need sexual newness at all. I could, in all seriousness, (and I’ve said this before), be married to one woman and have one FB on the side, neither of whom ever left or got fat (they can get older, they can gain a little weight, but they can’t get fat) and stick with having sex with just those two women for the rest of my life and I’d be completely sexually satisfied.

In real life this will never happen since A) women leave and B) most women are “done” having sex at around age 65 or so. I’m just saying that I would be perfectly okay with having sex with just two women for the rest of my life within those parameters. 

It wouldn’t be monogamy, but the two women would never be new, and that would be cool with me (again, if it was possible in the real world and it likely isn’t.) 

If you need sexual newness, that means that you not only need to have sex with multiple women, but you need these women to be new all the time.  

That means that if you start having sex with two super hot babes, within a few weeks you’ll start getting bored with having sex with those two because they aren’t new anymore. If you go out and have sex with a new girl, even if she’s less hot than your current two women, you’ll be “happy” again because she’s new. 

See the difference? 

It’s not sexual variety that’s tripping you up, it’s your need for sexual newness, something I really don’t have. 

It’s really important you understand that difference. Just understanding that difference should help you a lot. 

If there’s demand for it, I will write a follow-up article about how to alleviate the problem of the need for sexual newness. (Though I’ve already hinted at one way to help it; get out there and live your sexual fantasies!) 

64 Comments on “Two Desires: Sexual Variety or Sexual Newness

  1. Yes I’m one of those guys who need sexual newness. Not very extreme, but I do need it.

    And when I lay a new woman, I do indeed get very happy.  Much happier that whatever happiness I get from my ongoing FBs/ MLTRs

    I’m very aware of this and try to get a new chick every 3 months  atleast. And sometimes I like to go through a string of new women(male slut phase maybe). I’m on one of those strings right now

    Damn! Good to be consciously aware of it so I can manage my drives and happiness better.

    I would really like a separate article on ‘sexual newness’ need

  2. This article really hit home. I thought it was simply sexual variety I needed but it’s actually sexual newness. I had a HB9 19 year old SB last year who was everything I thought I wanted in a woman. After having sex with her for two months I became totally sexually bored with her and dropped her to go have sex with a less attractive woman. Most of my relationships have been 3 to 6 months long

  3. So you’re saying that if you only have sex with one woman, obviously sexual monogamy doesn’t work and you need at least one more. Ok, that’s perfectly fine.

    But, if you got two women and they remain more or less the same (not fat, etc.) you could be fine having sex with them and only with them for, let’s say 15 or 20 years?

    I don’t think so and I’m astonished you seriously think that, too.

    Eventually you’ll need a new one even if the two of them never stopped having sex with you for years and years to come. It would be and feel exactly like monogamy and you’ll eventually got sexually bored.

    Now, if you just said that variety is more importan than newness and that some men need more newness than others, then I could have bought it, but sexual newness is as hardwired in our biology as sexual variety. In fact, the need for sexual variety comes from the need for sexual newness. We all feel this need.

    Having more than one sexual partner does not magically turn off the need for sexual newness just because there’s officially no sexual monogamy in place.

  4. I don’t really have a need for sexual newness at all. I would be perfectly content with monogamy even (I was happy with it for 10 years, then I cheated when she quit wanting sex)…if it were possible.

    Even when I was “monogamous” I had 2 steady FB‘s.

    It’s not possible to be monogamous though because as you say:

    1) women leave

    2) I lack abundance which changes my behaviors (needy)

    I have to consciously choose to keep at least 2 women around and not fall into monogamy. Now, I do expect the sex to be good though (she has to be attractive to me and have a personality that doesnt turn me off)

    I suppose I’m a “pleasure of sex” guy. New women are great and I like getting with them, but overall I’d rather just have reliable, consistent pussy so I can work on more important shit.

  5. Yes … please do a followup article. Felt like I was blue balled at the end of this post lol.

    And have to ask the same thing as another commentator – is it REALLY that different if you’re with the exact same two women for 10+ years? You’re saying that after having sex with the same woman over and over again, that because you’re a man, you’ll eventually want to have sex with a new woman. You’re saying it’s hard coded into our biology.

    But this same need for sexual variety wouldn’t apply to the same FB you’re having sex with for 5-10 years, because your OLTR essentially cancels out your need for variety with your FB as well?

    I would understand if you said … having sex with two women for 5-10 years will make things “easier” (than just one woman) since it’s coded into our biology. But you’re taking it one step further and saying that, at least for yourself (and I assume extrapolating that for other men since you used yourself as a sexual variety example) that with one FB, the exact same woman even if it’s for 10-15+ years, assuming no changes in her appearance, basically solves the biological sexual variety bit. You’re good.

    With no extra desire to be with new women sexually … because if you’re sexually satisfied (as you said) then obviously you won’t be looking at other women besides those two.

    Reading that I wonder how many sexual variety guys are actually like that if we’re talking in the realm of 1) 5-10+ years, and 2) Also have longterm MLTR or OLTR‘s and have the ability to be with other women without cheating.

    I guess I’d want to clarify what “sexually satisfied” means. Does that mean if a new woman(FB) you’re attracted to presented herself to you, without you seeking it out or doing any work, that you’d say “na, I’m good as is”. Or does sexually satisfied in this case just mean that you won’t crave it / not unhappy, but if the opportunity presented itself you’d do it with no issues?

    I “assume” (curious to hear your thoughts on this) that it means you wouldn’t even want to. Using the analogy of being “full” after a big meal and not wanting to eat anymore … even if someone presented you with a filet mignon you’d say no, I’m already good.

  6. I need very strong sexual variety. That means my utopian rotation would include one woman of each major ethnicity, that I find subjectively hot: 1 asian, 1 black, 1 latina, 1 blond, 1 persian/arabic, 1 indian, 1 ginger.

    I also ideally need them to each enjoy receiving anal sex and be bisexual orgy enthusiasts.

    In reality, I don’t really like most gingers, indians, persians, which means I am absurdly picky, and I am quite picky for blonds too. So I would be quite fulfilled with 1 black, 1 asian and 1 latina. Maybe just 1 black MLTR and 1 asian MLTR who I see regularly, and 1 latina who I see very irregularly, would be satisfying. I haven’t managed that yet. I have had at one point lonk before your blog even existed, 1 black OLTR and 1 asian MLTR, which royally fucked up after a few months, massive dramas, you are right you can’t have MLTR with OLTR! But now I am trying to live in different locations. I found one city where I love to live in South East Asia, where I have a good rotation. And I am looking for another city, elsewhere I would also love to live in and where there are black women I find hot.

    When my rotation contains no women who I find really super hot, but only women I find very cute borderline hot, and at least 2 of them receive anal sex am satisfied and I loose any motivation to look for new women to fuck. However if these women are all of the same ethnicity (asian for instance), I crave the other ethnicity (black for instance). I think, that if I manage to have both ethnicities in my rotation I need at least one anal sex compatible of each ethnicity to feel satisfied, this has never happened yet.

    As for FFM bisexual 3somes and other kind of orgies, I had them happen only irregularly, never as satisfyingly as I would like. But at a bare minimum, I know a place where I can pay to have 2 prostitutes to do a somewhat decent bisexual FFM 3some. I can do that once or twice a year and it’s enough to get it out of my system, albeit not completely satisfying. Completely satisfying would be if one of the black and one of the asian of my rotation were actually a lesbian couple and we have FFM 3somes together every month or couple of months.

    Bottom line, my version of your ideal OLTR+1FB, is that I am dating an interracial black+asian hot lesbian couple, they love to receive anal sex and to have 3somes with me, also orgies where one of the additional participant is hot latina, or other ethnicities. I don’t mind if an other man participates too, like swinging action for instance. So they aren’t just lesbians, they are bisexual, but their primary relationship is their lesbian couple, they are mostly lesbian, I am just a secondary relationship in term of priority. Each of them is like an MLTR to me at most, and we don’t live together.

  7. I guess I’d want to clarify what “sexually satisfied” means.

    For me, the way I would define it is that:

    Does that mean if a new woman(FB) you’re attracted to presented herself to you, without you seeking it out or doing any work, that you’d say “na, I’m good as is”.

    I would probably say no if she is just average, or cute borderline average. Or if she is solid cute but I strongly sense that there is something sketchy or dramas from her down the road or she requires some more or less indirect payment/gifts. However if she is really hot I would say yes. If she is mindbogglingly hot I may even not mind if she’s a bit sketchy or moderately gold digging.

    Or does sexually satisfied in this case just mean that you won’t crave it / not unhappy, but if the opportunity presented itself you’d do it with no issues?

    Yes, that is mostly the definition I understand.

  8. Message received.  I will write a follow-up article. Just remember that the need for sexual newness can’t be cured or eliminated, just mitigated.

    But, if you got two women and they remain more or less the same (not fat, etc.) you could be fine having sex with them and only with them for, let’s say 15 or 20 years?

    I don’t think so and I’m astonished you seriously think that, too.

    Yes. That’s how I feel, at least as far as I can tell. I was still sexually attracted to my monogamous first wife after 9 years of having sex with her, even after she had gained weight and even when I didn’t like her at all. (However, that was all around 15 years ago back when I was a stupid, gameless beta male and had very low standards as compared to today, so that needs to be factored in.)

    I may be an exception to the rule in this regard.

    I could be wrong too. We’ll never know, since doing what we’re talking about for 15-20+ years straight is impossible.

    Eventually you’ll need a new one even if the two of them never stopped having sex with you for years and years to come. It would be and feel exactly like monogamy and you’ll eventually got sexually bored.

    I really don’t think so, but it’s possible, sure.

    Now, if you just said that variety is more important than newness and that some men need more newness than others, then I could have bought it, but sexual newness is as hardwired in our biology as sexual variety.

    You need to present scientific evidence to support that claim.

    In fact, the need for sexual variety comes from the need for sexual newness. We all feel this need.

    Perhaps. Perhaps the guys posting in this thread have sexual newness desires of 90% and I have it around 10%, meaning I have some of it (not zero, but some), but so little that it doesn’t really register or bother me, particularly with my abundant non-monogamous lifestyle.

    Felt like I was blue balled at the end of this post lol.

    Haha!

    is it REALLY that different if you’re with the exact same two women for 10+ years?

    Yes, because the two women would:

    – Be radically different in age (almost 20 years apart, at least in my case).

    – Have very different bodies (hair color, eye color, breast size, ass size, body type, height, build, set)

    – Behave very differently during sex.

    – Have different personalities and vibes.

    Thus, sexual variety is both achieved and maintained.

    (Side note: These days, I tend to lean in the direction of FBs who are very hot but who also look and act very differently than Pink Firefly, specifically for that reason.)

    But you’re taking it one step further and saying that, at least for yourself (and I assume extrapolating that for other men since you used yourself as a sexual variety example) that with one FB, the exact same woman even if it’s for 10-15+ years, assuming no changes in her appearance, basically solves the biological sexual variety bit. You’re good.

    I’m saying that for myself, yes, a guy with a low need for sexual newness, who is perhaps an exception to the rule. I’m not saying that for anyone else.

    With no extra desire to be with new women sexually … because if you’re sexually satisfied (as you said) then obviously you won’t be looking at other women besides those two.

    Incorrect. I never said that. If I saw a hot babe with big tits walk by I would still look at her and enjoy it. I’m saying I wouldn’t take the time out of my day to actually go have sex with her. Looking and fucking are two very different things.

    I also said if a hot babe with big tits threw herself at me (requiring me near zero time or effort) I wouldn’t say no. Of course I’d hit it.

    I guess I’d want to clarify what “sexually satisfied” means. Does that mean if a new woman(FB) you’re attracted to presented herself to you, without you seeking it out or doing any work, that you’d say “na, I’m good as is”.

    No. I’d have sex with her.

    Or does sexually satisfied in this case just mean that you won’t crave it / not unhappy, but if the opportunity presented itself you’d do it with no issues?

    Correct.

  9. Having more than one sexual partner does not magically turn off the need for sexual newness just because there’s officially no sexual monogamy in place.

    I agree that it would not entirely anihilate it to absolute zero for me, however in my ideal case described above, if both the black and the asian woman are really hot, subjective 9 or more, it would lower it to 2%, very manageable level for years and years. So if we do some swinging, even if it is extremely occasional, like once a year with another ethnicity hot new woman, I could pretty much feel entirely satisfied in term of newness too. Even if the 3rd hot woman in the very occasional orgies is the same for couple years before being renewed.

  10. Yeah … to clarify when I said “looking” I meant looking for other woman to have sex with, not just visually looking. But understand what you’re saying.

  11. Dang Caleb you got me again-I’ve been saying I like variety this whole time, but in really thinking about it, it is truly newness that I crave.  Looking forward to an article on this!

    The one hack I found was to simply not see them too much, as per what is already part of the 2.0 lifestyle.  You have to resist that temptation of fucking them too much in the beginnings and going forward.  The ones I see the least tend to keep me interested in the sex for much longer.  Any one of them I see on a more regular basis starts getting boring to me, although not as quickly as some others where they get bored in a matter of weeks.  It definitely helps if they’re freaky too.

  12. I agree that it would not entirely anihilate it to absolute zero for me, however in my ideal case described above, if both the black and the asian woman are really hot, subjective 9 or more, it would lower it to 2%, very manageable level for years and years.

    I think that’s it. We’re not necessarily talking about zero need for sexual newness, just a reduction to an nonzero amount that is so small that it becomes a complete non-issue for day-to-day life over the long-term.

    The one hack I found was to simply not see them too much, as per what is already part of the 2.0 lifestyle.

    Exactly! That’s one of the (lesser) reasons for it.

  13. The sexual hardwiring that y’all are referring to is nothing but disease spreading, hate mongering, life destroying, judgement welcoming, bestial sin…straight out rebellion against God and everything that’s decent, holy and loving for what… stinking, rotten self-satisfaction…that never “comes.”

    What a lie! I used to live the lie you’re talkin about it in my youth. But I have been monogamous with my wife for 45 years and there’s no comparison as far as peaceful, loving satisfaction, unless you are reprobate in heart and mind.

  14. I don’t need a constant stream of newness however for variety:

    I would be perfectly content with monogamy even (I was happy with it for 10 years, then I cheated when she quit wanting sex)…if it were possible.

    and

    overall I’d rather just have reliable, consistent pussy so I can work on more important shit

    Unlike CCMidwest here, I feel utterly miserable and depressed after 2 weeks of de facto monogamy, 1 month max if she is a 10 and sexual chemistry is perfect. I had such a relationship, and I really needed to fuck some different women, even if they were not nearly as attractive as her and the sexual chemistry wasn’t nearly as good as with her.

    I just needed to fuck 2 or 3 FwB. One FwB every 2 weeks, among a pool of 2 cute FwBs of the same ethicity as her (asian) was the minimal baseline to get the need for variety out of my system to manageable levels. So that is just one sex session every 2 weeks with another woman different than her.

    I guess is that 1 super hot and super sexual chemistry FwBs of the other ethnicity (black in this example) could have been theoretically enough to deal with sexual variety to manageable levels, instead of 2.

    Very interesting article and discussion. Thanks BD!

  15. For me it seems to be definitely about the variety though it is not just that I need different woman, there are specific types I am into which sometimes changes slightly over time and I need to have those bases covered, then it doesn’t matter so much.

    How does this thing about newness ties into the idea of her leaving and coming back later or me “taking a break” from her. I can see that sometimes that makes it exciting again.

    I have zero interest in chase or seduction process (or perhaps close to zero) and get no pleasure from it, I only see it as a means to an end. I just want women to appear at my house (or somewhere else) ready to have sex on my command. That is something I have wanted consistently for years and having it keeps me completely satisfied.

  16. Caleb, do you think it’s possible to estimate a scale for thrill of the hunt desire on men?

    Providing you are not monogamous (already have at least two women on rotation) my complete random guess would be:

    a) 0-2 new chicks a year (pleasure of sex)

    b) 3-6 new chicks a year (junior trapper)

    c) 7-12 new chicks a year (huntsman)

    d) 12+ new chicks a year (extreme predator -it means more than one new woman per month!!!)

    I’m always scaling between C and D, and it’s not because I don’t have a complete rotation…but because I’m willingly letting some of my less favorite women go to make room for new ones (even if everything is ok).

  17. Don’t agree with what you’ve written and would love to hear more of your opinion on it please.

    I like Chris Rock. That being said, he just suffered through a ghastly divorce, so his bullshit “recycle the pussy” advice (which I saw years ago when he first said it) is something he just pulled out of his ass. It’s pure bullshit Guy Disney that doesn’t work, since no Disney works.

    How does this thing about newness ties into the idea of her leaving and coming back later or me “taking a break” from her. I can see that sometimes that makes it exciting again.

    I have to admit that it can for me as well. At least sometimes.

    I have zero interest in chase or seduction process (or perhaps close to zero) and get no pleasure from it, I only see it as a means to an end.

    Me too.

    Caleb, do you think it’s possible to estimate a scale for thrill of the hunt desire on men?

    I think you’re over analyzing it. Some guys have zero, some, or a lot. Keep it simple.

  18. thank you. any articles with “congratulations your normal,” in regards to sex etc is more than greatly appreciated.

     

    back to work.

  19. d) 12+ new chicks a year (extreme predator -it means more than one new woman per month!!!)

    I’ve been corrected more than once for exaggerating or over estimating the average number of sexual partners men and women have over a lifetime (Hey! I live in Asia!), but even so: one new partner per month is extreme predator?!

    Donnez-moi un break!

  20. I agree with both sides here. I can’t say in particular I would be OK with the same woman for 10+ years (since it’s never happened). I did notice when I was younger, even if I very much was in love with my LTR I wanted to fuck other women after a while.

    I think I probably have a higher need for newness, and that somewhat applies to other areas of my life to some degree (with hobbies/passtimes).

    Count me as another vote for the follow up!

  21. I agree with both sides here. I can’t say in particular I would be OK with the same woman for 10+ years (since it’s never happened). I did notice when I was younger, even if I very much was in love with my LTR I wanted to fuck other women after a while.

    You’re describing why monogamy doesn’t work, not a need for sexual newness.

  22. Caleb, do you think it’s possible to estimate a scale for thrill of the hunt desire on men?

    Providing you are not monogamous (already have at least two women on rotation) my complete random guess would be:

    a) 0-2 new chicks a year (pleasure of sex)

    b) 3-6 new chicks a year (junior trapper)

    c) 7-12 new chicks a year (huntsman)

    d) 12+ new chicks a year (extreme predator -it means more than one new woman per month!!!)

    (a) would bore me. (b) would be okay if I’m not banging those 3-6 chicks too many times, but then, it creates the problem of not getting enough sex overall, variety aside. (c) sounds good but may be too much work, unless escorts are involved.
    I do get bored if the sex is average, even if the girl is hot; I remain somewhat horny for the girl but prefer to put several weeks between our meetings. If she’s great in bed, the boredom takes longer to happen so [every other week] can go a long way. But how do you achieve that while also getting sex twice per week lol.

    I really think the desire to fuck someone’s brains out every day during NRE is some kind of biological trap that produces boredom, perhaps because from an evolutionary POV, a certain number of fucks in the same period are enough to cause pregnancy and there’s diminishing returns (to further increase the odds, as opposed to trying someone else) after that: so either the desire gets extended via pair bonding (itself beneficial for raising kids), or, if the relationship is casual, boredom sets in fast and your instinct pushes you to move to the next partner. Ofc none of that is consciously thought out nor requires pregnancy to actually happen, just what your genes ‘bet’ on due to selective pressure in our past.

  23. one new partner per month is extreme predator

    You must live in the Philippines or other overly sexual region. People do not have much sex these days. For example, out of dozens of real life friends, I personally know only one guy (besides me) who is able to fuck at least one new chick per month.

    Assuming you can maintain that ratio for 5 years (not a lot of time), you gonna end up with 60 different sexual partners – which btw is not an impressive number if you talk about seduction.

    I bet there’s a super small fraction of the whole male population that is able to achieve anything close to this lay count – not in 5 years, but in their lifetime.

  24. This is great. I’ve been saying this for a while and I think it definitely varies a lot between different guys. Some have it in the extreme and others don’t. I’ve always had it. Plus I think its also different to thrill of the hunt guys. Its not the same. I don’t really enjoy the hunt that much. I just want to get a new girl as easy as possible.

    I still love having sex everyday with my OLTR even after almost 4 years. So I don’t get bored with my main girl at all. But I like my side girls to be different as much as possible. My ideal life would be an OLTR that I find very attractive and have sex with all the time. A FB that I really like and have sex with 2 to 4 times a month. And then 1 or 2 completely new hot girls to fuck every week. This would never get old for me.

    In my current life I often get the chance to fuck a hotter girl that I’ve already fucked once or twice or a new girls that’s not as hot. I always pick the new girl without fail! It’s funny because my OLTR is the same. She likes new girls all the time as well. Makes us very well suited. 🙂

  25. I personally know only one guy (besides me) who is able to fuck at least one new chick per month.

    And live in an area where there are a million plus people living.

    Either way, that’s a lot of work to rotate in one new gal a month, if she’s attractive.

  26. The sexual hardwiring that y’all are referring to is nothing but disease spreading, hate mongering, life destroying, judgement welcoming, bestial sin…straight out rebellion against God and everything that’s decent, holy and loving for what… stinking, rotten self-satisfaction…that never “comes.”

    What a lie!

    Please show the facts, science, and data that demonstrates what I said is a lie.

    I used to live the lie you’re talkin about it in my youth.

    Good.

    But I have been monogamous with my wife for 45 years and there’s no comparison as far as peaceful, loving satisfaction

    I think that’s wonderful and I think you deserve congratulations.

    And at the same time, A) you are one couple and one couple is not a statistical sample, B) you were marred in a very different era when people had very different views on these things, and C) you and your wife are not likely to be having a lot of sex right now because of your advanced ages (over age 65), making much of what I’m talking about irrelevant to your particular and current scenario.

    But I appreciate your viewpoint. I really do.

  27. Assuming you can maintain that ratio for 5 years (not a lot of time), you gonna end up with 60 different sexual partners – which btw is not an impressive number if you talk about seduction.

    I bet there’s a super small fraction of the whole male population that is able to achieve anything close to this lay count – not in 5 years, but in their lifetime.

    But most of the male population are living in socially programmed monogamy mode. You can’t compare guys like that with guys who are following BD’s system or who are into game and work on their women skills.

    The guys I know here in Australia who are into game and work on it easily pull 40-60+ different girls per year. My mate who is quite good at it is always texting me or ringing me about his 4+ plus days in a row of pulling a new girl every day. His best is about 7 in a row. He is good at both day and night game though.

    The one year I was totally single, I was 47 and manged to pull 26 different girls in one year without much trouble including my current OLTR who was 19 at the time.

  28. @Marty and @BD:

    Do you already have that guest post written and scheduled for publication anytime soon? I am looking forward to it! It’d be very interesting to detail the similarities and differences between your OLTRelationships styles.

    Sorry that is my fault. I never got around to writing it. I decided to sell my old business and start a new one from scratch so that got moved to the top of all the priority lists. So I haven’t been very active on here at all this year.

    I’m still happy to do it sometime though if BD and others are still keen.

  29. I got very fat for not being able to pursue newness, which derived in monogamy and betaness at the extreme level. I dont know what would have happened with my relationship but if I had had the guts to apply now (mainly because what this blog made me realize) I wouldnt have lived unhappily for years.

    I appreciate your words and how kindly you reply to people that are not so kind expressing their opinions.

  30. Also, I am one of those that need newness. It is a mixture of pleasure and self reassurance in my case. No harm done to anybody because I always tell the truth.

  31. The guys I know here in Australia who are into game and work on it easily pull 40-60+ different girls per year. My mate who is quite good at it is always texting me or ringing me about his 4+ plus days in a row of pulling a new girl every day. His best is about 7 in a row. He is good at both day and night game though.

    Yes, exactly. In my late fifties, I don’t have the drive, energy or desire for anything like that. But it certainly doesn’t seem extreme or impossible, and I know younger guys who do that kind of thing all the time.

    I do think the desire for newness, and even variety, does decrease as you get older. It’s quite easy to get lazy or even to fall into monogamy. It gets to the point where you feel that finding new women is something you should do, as a point of principle, rather than something you want to do.

  32. After i got reasonably good at this, ive ended up with allways wanting more (new).

    Ive been single for aprox 1 year. Slept with about 25 girls in that time. 5 only one time. 5, mb 2-3 times. Then the last 15 has stayed for 3-5 months.

    Ive always tried to have 3-4 in rotation, but i get so bored. The thrill of finding someone better is always there, and i get the impression that 50% of the girls also think like this. And this is not just sexually bored – most of these women is well educated and smart, but they still bore me to death after a while.

     

    And dont get me started on how boring most of these women are in bed.

  33. Ive been single for aprox 1 year. Slept with about 25 girls in that time. 5 only one time. 5, mb 2-3 times. Then the last 15 has stayed for 3-5 months.

    How is this single?

    Then the last 15 has stayed for 3-5 months.

    This is not single by definition.

    What the hell are you talking about?

  34. How is this single?

    Makes sense to me. People often use “single” to mean “not married” or “not in a committed monogamous relationship.” It doesn’t mean celibate.

  35. I used to say everybody cheats. And then I wanted to believe otherwise. But I think everybody cheats. There’s a dynamic to that and this blog post cites of the many reasons.

    I would be more interested in a blog post about manifestations of women’s hatred. As you mentioned in the article.

    I’ve known many women to cheat even though they are married to handsome husbands who make a lot of money but they are not fulfilled. They want newness or variety or both. Sometimes they resent their lives and other times they have had very little sexual experience. And as they get older they want to explore things.

    Some couples want to explore an open relationship. This is initiated by the husband but then it’s not what he expected. Because the woman gets more attention. So they go back to being monogamous.

    All in all, I think women are more devious in cheating and better at it than men.

    But women will stay with a man because of security. Obvious but it can’t be overstated as now costs are leveraged too high for education, cars and homes and the markets are volatile. So women have a sense of insecurity about it and want a breadwinner. Over the last several years sex has become more and more transactional and financial. You are paying for it one way or the other. Sure, a guy gets lucky every once in a while. But for the most part I see so many submissive husbands in the United States who have no guts, no balls. They listen to a bitchy demanding, controlling wife. And if they don’t do what she wants…

  36. The sexual hardwiring that y’all are referring to is nothing but disease spreading, hate mongering, life destroying, judgement welcoming, bestial sin…straight out rebellion against God and everything that’s decent, holy and loving for what… stinking, rotten self-satisfaction…that never “comes.”

    That bestial sin and rebellion against god you’re referring to is nothing but the priest class trying to gain control over the rest of us by pathologizing normal, healthy human behavior by claiming to have inside knowledge of the inscruatable will of a superbeing who has not been demonstrated to even exist and who if they do exist, should have bigger things to worry about than what a particular species of hairless ape does while naked.

  37. Yeah a lot of this shit is competing biological imperatives between the sexes that we are all well aware of.

    The caveman days. Man would walk around and “fuck” whatever tickled his penis. Probably sometimes conquests too of other tribes, shameful or not.

    But of course the woman wants the man to stay around and child-rear, and both sexes become sexually jealous of competition.

     

    I think for most men, if they had no social programming, the ideal situation is obvious being able to walk around any hot woman that tickled his fancy. Yes, a stable of women, but also new women. Variety, fresh new ass, etc.

    In reality due to sexual jealousy, monogamy programming, and the “work” it sometimes takes to find new ass in 2019 (depending) — once you’re banging 2-3 women, your sexual needs are 90% met and although finding a “Fresh” young bimbo would be novel and nice, it’s not worth the effort if like most men you have to do the “courtship routine” to land one.

    But let’s not get it wrong. Most normal, sexually functioning heterosexual men, if a hot young blonde bimbo — complete stranger — threw NSA sex on the table, why wouldn’t you fuck her?

  38. I’m still happy to do it sometime though if BD and others are still keen.

    I’m still good.

    I appreciate your words and how kindly you reply to people that are not so kind expressing their opinions.

    I don’t always succeed but I try.

    And I’m well accustomed to people who are “not so kind in expressing their opinions.” 🙂

    People often use “single” to mean “not married” or “not in a committed monogamous relationship.” It doesn’t mean celibate.

    And they shouldn’t. Single or Taken? You’re Neither

    I used to say everybody cheats. And then I wanted to believe otherwise. But I think everybody cheats.

    I think a more factually accurate statement is “everyone cheats as long as they have the sexual/emotional desire and the opportunity, assuming the relationship lasts long enough.”

    But for the most part I see so many submissive husbands in the United States who have no guts, no balls. They listen to a bitchy demanding, controlling wife. And if they don’t do what she wants…

    Correct. That is the societal norm.

  39. Just read your Single vs. Taken post. It’s very true.

    Follow up question to that article:

    How do you explain such a situation to people who may inquire at work (for us wageslaves still), acquaintances, family members, even close friends who ask about your situation.

    I’m definitely neither single or taken myself. I usually just BS and say I have a girlfriend (closest socially acceptable answer) — but then people ask why I don’t bring her to the christmas party or XYZ. Some friends rag on my for being a commitment-phobe or something.

    Yeah you can say ‘none of your business’ but let’s get real — work, friends, family — people are going to get in your business, especially when drinking is involved which it increasingly is in business and social situations in 2019.

  40. But I think everybody cheats.

    It’s only cheating if you promise not to do it. Or try to make her promise not to do it. If you tell a woman not to do something, she’s probably going to do it anyway. So save your breath and don’t tell her. Then she’s not cheating.

    Some couples want to explore an open relationship. This is initiated by the husband but then it’s not what he expected. Because the woman gets more attention. So they go back to being monogamous.

    Haha. Good luck with that. They just go back to cheating. And she’ll probably dump him in pretty short order for being such a needy little jerk. And good on her!

  41. The guys I know here in Australia who are into game and work on it easily pull 40-60+ different girls per year. My mate who is quite good at it is always texting me or ringing me about his 4+ plus days in a row of pulling a new girl every day. His best is about 7 in a row. He is good at both day and night game though.

    That’s interesting. I’ve no idea how the dating scene is in Australia. A couple years ago there was a commenter who was later banned (wolfofgeorgestreet) who said it wasn’t easy there if you have an average appearance because tons of guys are ripped and/or roided.

    I like Chris Rock. That being said, he just suffered through a ghastly divorce

    He strikes me as ridiculously pro SP on some levels. Look at his video about women never being satisfied. Though he does it humorously, he basically tells guys to say “fuck you” to their dreams and ambitions and do everything they can to “make the bitch happy” all the while saying it won’t happen.

  42. How do you explain such a situation to people who may inquire at work (for us wageslaves still), acquaintances, family members, even close friends who ask about your situation.

    “I don’t have a girlfriend if that’s what you mean.”

    Read this for more detail.

  43. How do you explain such a situation to people who may inquire at work (for us wageslaves still), acquaintances, family members, even close friends who ask about your situation.

    Very easy:

    work – I tell the truth – they assume I am bragging and making stuff up and usually just laugh and say yeah you wish and then they drop the subject

    family – they know what I do more or less for the most part, but my family isn’t religious or very conservative

    close friends – this is the easiest – close friends should ALWAYS know by DEFINITION. If you cannot / are not comfortable telling full disclosure to your closer friends then they are simply not close friends. Hilarious.

    acquaintances – none of they’re business

    If there would be a situation where the above doesn’t fit for some reason I would say the generic “I am seeing someone” or I would answer depending on the situation. I might even smirk and say it depends on who is asking.

    especially when drinking is involved which it increasingly is in business and social situations in 2019.

    I am not sure why you think it is increasingly the case. Compared to what? The 60s when people drank during working hours in the office or compared to the early 20th century when everyone (at least the working class which was the vast majority back then) was drunk all the time? If anything it is way less today than it used to be. Especially at work, with many people working remotely or just going straight home after work to “pick up the kids” or because “the food is on the table and my miss would be upset” etc.

    I usually just BS and say I have a girlfriend (closest socially acceptable answer) — but then people ask why I don’t bring her to the christmas party or XYZ

    Why don’t you call her a date? That is socially acceptable, it is the truth and no one will ask why you don’t bring her. Although you could bring her if you wanted to and introduce her as your date. And then next time bring another one and again introduce her as your date. This has been normal and socially acceptable for decades in the West.

    It is hilarious how people sometimes makes this stuff way more complex than it needs to be for no reason.

  44. I recently started seeing someone in a monogamous relationship. He swears up and down all he wants and needs is me and that he won’t get tired of it. I had a lot of questions when he asked for that because we have both been to swinger parties and he’s in his late 40’s but hasn’t “settled down” or gotten married. Plus, his job (he does more than one thing but he does bodyguard work for famous people) puts him in the line of groupies trying to get to whoever through him.

    He seems sincere about wanting that. He says he’s happy with our sex life and can do everything he wants with me. Do you think he’s going to change his mind some time down the road? I’m just puzzled about why guys ask for that when they are the ones that supposedly don’t really want it.

  45. @Lovergirl

    Yon mention swinger lifestyle, I think that you 2 could totally have a swinger type OLTR relationship in which you continue to participate in swinging actively and regularly. I don’t know for For your guy, but some men like me, that is plenty enough variety and newness and if frequent enough, I would not feel a need to fuck side FwBs, only the sex with other women when we swing. You just have to make sure that he won’t feel like he has to drag you in, and that you’re active enough and frequently enough swinging to satisfy him. And that could be up to one time per week for me. Also if you’re using swingers website and struggle to meet his swinging frequency needs because you are too picky for the couples compared to him, that could become a problem: you can’t cockblock him that way.

    But if you mean 100% true monogamy with no side action whatsoever: It might work a few months, up to 3 years max if you’re really lucky with very long lasting NRE. But longer than that it will certainly fail: I will need variety for sure.

  46. @LazyBlitz- I told him I was okay with monogamy now but what if down the road we wanted something different? He said he won’t but if I do to tell him because he would be open if it were something I wanted. I’m just curious why he is so adamant that isn’t something he would ever seek out. I mean I thought men were the ones that are supposed to want that so much but he says he is just interested in me. I don’t have a problem with that I just wonder if it will change.

  47. “I don’t have a girlfriend if that’s what you mean.”

    Great line! I was very happy and amused to see my favorite woman’s response on Facebook when one of her friends referred to me as “your mysterious boyfriend.” She replied “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s my man.”

    Love you, Baby!

  48. I must be an Outlier.

    I was married once, for ten years, no desire to sleep with a different people (my ex-wife on the other hand, haha).

    I was then single for nearly a decade. Not celibate obviously, but no LTR‘s etc.

    Then I just finished a 3.5 year LTR with a gorgeous Latina woman, but she wanted kids, and I took this website’s advice not to have anymore because it wasn’t 8/10. I am actually a Beta, so it turned out to be the wrong advice (for me).

    I’m just trying to provide a different viewpoint. If I am with a woman, I am attracted to her, and only want to have sex with her. I guess I’m a relic.

  49. @lovergirl

    Haven’t  you been reading this blog forever? Seriously now, what do you think the answer is? Given enough time, he’ll definitely cheat (and so would you). As for WHY he would say this there could be a bunch of reasons;

    1) maybe he truly feels like that right now (but could certainly change in the future). I’ve felt like this myself a few times. I’m so damn excited about the girl I’m with, I don’t even think about banging other women FOR A WHILE.

    2) maybe he thinks that’s what you want to hear or that this is the only way to have the relationship he wants. Lots of guys over 40 still have plenty of societal programming.

    Good luck anyway! Might as well enjoy yourself while preparing for the inevitable 😉

  50. am actually a Beta, so it turned out to be the wrong advice (for me).

    I’m just trying to provide a different viewpoint. If I am with a woman, I am attracted to her, and only want to have sex with her. I guess I’m a relic.

    Not necessarily a relic. You said yourself that you are a beta. This guys is for alphas who want things easier or betas who want to be alphas, not really for betas who want to stay betas and are happy that way. Though you are probably not only a beta that would probably be not enough to have no desire of other woman for 10 years, probably also a low sex drive guy?

    He seems sincere about wanting that. He says he’s happy with our sex life and can do everything he wants with me. Do you think he’s going to change his mind some time down the road? I’m just puzzled about why guys ask for that when they are the ones that supposedly don’t really want it.

    We all said such stuff to women at some point. Usually we even meant it – in that very moment. The smarter ones of us don’t say to that women again when we realize we do feel like that sometimes but that it is exactly like that – only sometimes.

    It is also sociatal programming I guess. I used to want such things because I had this idea thats what I should get even though when I thought about it later I was like why did I do that, it’s not what I want.

  51. @lovergirl

    He definitely has a ‘newness’ need too:)

    He seems to be an Alpha the way you describe him. If so it might be his SP that’s making you tell sweet nothings that you like to hear.

    Maybe he knows subconsciously that his ‘newness’ need can be satisfied any time with those groupies in the back of the limo:)

  52. “I don’t have a girlfriend if that’s what you mean.”

    Great line! I was very happy and amused to see my favorite woman’s response on Facebook when one of her friends referred to me as “your mysterious boyfriend.” She replied “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s my man.”

    Love you, Baby!

    Depending on who asks and which girl it is in question I say any of the following:

    – my date

    – my girl

    – my partner (yes, if you have sex with her regularly she is a partner by definition – sexual partner)

    – friend (friend with benefits though I often omit the benefits part, in any case it is true for any girl who is not a wife or serious girlfriend to call her a friend)

    – my half girlfriend (thats how I refer to my MLTRs when speaking with some of my friends about them)

    – or simply call her by her name! (Most people will assume it is a girlfriend or a date or whatever and will not probe further and you did not lie about who she is and who she is not, you also did not say you are in a relationship and often people are unsure after this if you are or are not but usually do not probe further.)

  53. I recently started seeing someone in a monogamous relationship.

    A very, very stupid mistake on your part. You of all people know better.

    He says he’s happy with our sex life and can do everything he wants with me. Do you think he’s going to change his mind some time down the road?

    You know the answer to that question, Lovergirl.

    If I am with a woman, I am attracted to her, and only want to have sex with her. I guess I’m a relic.

    Not a relic, just an exception to the rule. Possible causes: low sex drive, low testosterone, more submissive personality, mommy issues, and several other possibilities, some of which are bad and some of which are neutral.

    @lovergirl

    Haven’t you been reading this blog forever? Seriously now, what do you think the answer is?

    As I said, she knows exactly what the answer is, better than most people. And she knows it. She’s not actually asking questions nor seeking answers (since she already knows them). She’s just having a girl moment and is verbalizing her fears in an effort to calm her emotions.

  54. I don’t know. It’s not like he is clueless about cheating or what he would want to do. He does private investigation work and catches cheaters and on the back side has also helped people cheat as part of his work. He is adamant though that he just wants to be with me and that’s not going to change. I believe that he means what he is saying. Maybe sometime down the road he will say he wants to swing or something but I think he will keep his word because it’s his idea. I’m not the one asking for monogamy, he is.

    Last night we were watching the movie Hustlers and he’s over here saying things to me like “this kind of stuff going on is just another reason it’s better just to be with one person”. In his past he was a bouncer at a strip club so again he’s not delusional about things that go on or what he might be tempted to do.

    Maybe there are men who sow all their wild oats when they are younger that actually won’t cheat. He’s a couple years away from being 50 so maybe he has decided that is no longer his thing. If you had asked me a couple years ago if I believed that was possible I would have said doubtful but I don’t think he is lying.

    Even if he did cheat on me and I never knew about it I don’t guess it would matter. From what he says I feel like I’m the one that would be more likely to suggest swinging or something down the road, though I don’t need that now.

  55. Welcome back LG! Long time no see.

    I had a lot of questions when he asked for that because we have both been to swinger parties and he’s in his late 40’s but hasn’t “settled down” or gotten married.

    I believe that he means what he is saying.

    You already answered your own question. He is in NRE with you. And you are in NRE with him. You both are in denial.

    With your history game-wise – and all the info you gathered at the forums through all those years – you sure know what to expect down the road.

    He’s a couple years away from being 50 so maybe he has decided that is no longer his thing.

    Age does not matter!

    You are smart for fucks sake! Just ride the good wave (while it lasts) and take precautions to not become too fucked up along the way when he, you or both want to bed other people.

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