After speaking with hundreds, if not thousands of men over the past decade or so regarding relationship management of nonmonogamous relationships, several patterns have emerged. I generally see guys make the same set of common mistakes over and over again.
Below are the top ten mistakes I see men make with establishing or maintaining FB, MLTR, or OLTR relationships with women. If you are conscious of these mistakes and avoid them, that alone will take your relationship game to the next level.
They are listed in no particular order.
1. Verbalizing too much.
This one is huge. Men have a strong biological need to verbalize parameters, rules, and boundaries. They also like to cover various scenarios up front so they don’t encounter problems later.
In most areas of life, this need is a very good one. It saves a lot of wasted time and prevents a lot of problems. But in Alpha 2.0 relationships with women, verbalizing things always, always causes problems.
You must learn to SHUT UP. You must learn to NOT SAY ANYTHING about the relationship you’re in with a woman for a long time, at least three months or more.
Yes, I know this can be very hard. Yes, I know this is probably the opposite of what you want to do or what you’ve been told to do. But it must be done.
Verbalizing aspects of a sexual or romantic relationship does the following things:
- Increase betaization.
- Increase the likelihood of drama.
- Increase provider hunter desires.
- Invites a bunch of premature and difficult questions.
- Reduces attraction.
- Increases discomfort.
You don’t want any of those things. Don’t talk about the relationship at all until it’s time for The Talk, and that means at least three months or more into the relationship.
2. Getting oneitisish with a particular girl.
Guys who follow my material are usually self-aware enough to know not to get oneitis for a girl (though there are certainly many exceptions to this). Yet, a lot of guys still get oneitisish for an FB or MLTR who is So Hot™ or who is Not Like The Rest™ or who is So Good In Bed™.
Oneitisish is when you find yourself going out of your way to do (or not do) certain things because you’re scared that she might stop seeing you or some other guy might take her away.
You shouldn’t give a shit. You’ve got other girls, so if she leaves, you’re still covered. If she leaves, she leaves. Don’t worry, there’s a 94% chance she’ll be back.
If you start getting worried, even a little bit, that she might leave, that’s a red flag that you’re venturing into oneitis territory.
3. Getting oversensitive about what constitutes “disrespect.”
This is when right-wing, traditional, Alpha Male 1.0 aspects creep into your behavioral patterns. Guys will say things like this to me:
“She talked about another guy the other day. Should I soft next her for that disrespect?”
No. She’s not your mono-GF. Talking about other men isn’t disrespectful. If you hate when she does that, feel free to tell her not to do that (but that’s not Alpha 2.0 either).
“She was 13 minutes late when I met her for lunch last week. Super disrespectful. I soft nexted her and haven’t talked to her for five days.”
WTF? Why? In no way is that a soft-nextable offense. You’re just being anal and mean.
“When she was really drunk she said my pants and shoes looked gay. Unacceptable!”
Hey, dumbass. She was drunk. Why are you taking anything she said seriously while she was drunk? Do you not know what drunk means?
Learn to lighten up and not be so Alpha 1.0. Focus on drama, not disrespect. As long as a woman is happy and not giving me drama, I don’t give a fuck about respect and neither should you. She’s your sex partner, not your daughter.
4. Getting lazy and comfortable and then going de facto monogamous.
This one mostly affects men with OLTRs or high-end MLTRs. I described it in detail here. It always causes problems, near 100% of the time, when men get lazy and comfortable with one girl and stop seeing other girls.
Always remember that once you find a woman you really like and who likes you, de facto monogamy is your number one threat (other than the usual problems of betaization and drama, both of which increase when you go de facto monogamous).
5. Attempting to “re-game” returning women.
This one might be a little confusing, so I will explain. Once you have achieved Lock-In with a woman (meaning you’ve had sex with her twice or more), you’re “in.” That’s even after she returns from a LSNFTE.
This means that when she’s ready to meet up with you after a long absence, she’s ready to have sex with you. You don’t need to go back out on another first date, another second date, and go through the Get To Sex Fast process all over again. A lot of guys will do this when they get interest from a returning woman. Instead of just inviting her over to their home, these guys incorrectly assume that they need to start all over again from square one (first date) and repeat the entire process.
You don’t. You can just invite her right over to your house and have sex. I’ve done this scores of times with scores of women. It’s very easy. Don’t verbalize you’re going to have sex (remember, don’t verbalize!). Just invite her over.
If you instead insist on meeting her for lunch or dinner or whatever, you actually reduce the odds of having sex with her again, so don’t do it!
6. Screwing up the FB, MLTR, and OLTR categories.
This is when guys mix up the three relationship categories or simply misunderstand them.
Obvious mistakes are:
- When guys take FBs out on dates.
- When guys go on a week-long trip with a new MLTR.
- When guys make a woman an OLTR after just meeting her three weeks ago.
- When guys spend the night with an FB.
- When guys agree to an MLTR’s requests to meet her parents.
- When guys attempt to have multiple OLTRs.
Usually, men are making these mistakes because they don’t quite understand the ruleset for each relationship type, or mix up the relationship types.
Even worse, sometimes they do understand the rules but attempt to break them anyway (“Why can’t I have multiple OLTRs? Just because BD says I can’t doesn’t mean he’s right!”). Obviously, this almost always ends up with serious problems. The relationship categories and the rules behind them exist for a reason, and only after extensive, real-life field testing (and not just by me, but by lots of other men).
Other times guys don’t mix up the categories, but instead, misinterpret what the categories are. Examples of this are:
- Guys who think women must spend weeks “qualifying” for MLTR (they don’t; you can make her an MLTR right after having sex with her twice if you want).
- Guys who think pure FBs require The Talk (they usually don’t).
- Guys who think it’s okay if their OLTR has a boyfriend on the side, thinking it’s acceptable since the boyfriend doesn’t know what she’s doing (it’s not; at least not for an OLTR).
These mistakes are usually less serious than the above ones, but even if they don’t cause problems, they will result in you wasting a lot of time.
If you want nonmonogamous relationships to work in your life, it’s imperative you get this book, read it, understand it, practice it, and get help either at the Alpha 2.0 forums or the SMIC program if you still are confused.
7. Dating multiple women in the same social circle at the same time.
Oh god. This is such a common one with extroverted guys in their 20s. I get so many panicked emails and questions about this.
Listen. There’s no actual rule against having multiple FBs or MLTRs in the same social circle at the same time. If you really want to do it, you’re welcome to and I’m not going to stop you. I realize that often it’s the path of least resistance for guys with bigger and/or more active social circles. I get it. I really do.
At the same time, you need to understand that even if you do everything correctly, you’re in for some serious drama problems and some embarrassing scenarios. There’s no way around this if you insist on dating several women all at the same time who all know each other and hang out with the same group of people.
If you have very strong relationship game and you’re a very confident guy who really knows what he’s doing, you can have multiple FBs (not MLTRs!) in the same social circle at the same time if they’re all under the age of 23. I’ve done this myself a few times. But again, A) they were FBs only and B) they were all under the age of 23, so their ASD levels were so low they really didn’t give a shit.
But if you attempt anything outside of this, meaning actually having an MLTR (even a low-end one) and an FB, or multiple MLTRs with women all in the same social circle, then I’m sorry, but you’re in for some shit.
I purposely do not date women in the same social circles (barring the only-FBs under age 23 exception above), ever. I make sure that all of my women are from decently different worlds. Since my primary method of meeting women is online dating rather than social circle game, this is easy.
If you want a low-drama, easy experience with nonmono relationships, I strongly suggest you do the same.
But BD, what if I live in a small town? There’s no way around it then!
Then you’re fucked. No easy answers for you guys who live in small towns, as always. Move to a larger city and/or surrender to the fact that you may need to drive 2-3 hours to the nearest largest city every time you want to get laid. And read excuses #12, #13, and #14 here before you leave any comments about this.
8. Creating scenarios where it’s difficult or impossible to go no-contact.
This is when a guy has a woman LSNFTE him (or he has to dump her or next her for a prolonged period) and needs to do 4-6 months of no-contact so he can get her to return… but he can’t because he wasn’t thinking ahead while he was dating her.
Examples of this include:
- “But BD, we work together! How do I not see her for four months when we work in the same building every day?”
- “But BD, we go to the same dance classes / college classes / hiking group! Do you seriously want me to cancel all my classes just to not see her for four months? That’s needy!”
- “But BD, she lives with her cousin and he’s one of my best friends! She’ll see me when we hang out! What do I do?”
You need to stop and think a little bit about no-contact logistics whenever you start seeing a new woman. Always ask yourself, “If she LSNFTEs me and I can’t contact her or see her in any way for six months, will that be easily doable?” If the answer is no, I would strongly recommend either nexting her or downgrading her (or keeping her at) the FB level and avoid making her an MLTR.
Always view any relationship as a long-term state lasting many, many years of breaks and returns, not as something that’s easy and convenient because she just happens to be standing there right in front of you.
This is the difference between thinking strategically instead of tactically. Too many of you guys are focused on the tactics of the specific day-to-day techniques, and these are important. But you also need to consider the strategic aspects, that this is a relationship that’s going to last 5-10 years or longer in your life, so it needs to “plug in” to your life in long-term aspects instead of just short-term ones.
I’m coming to a town near you in 2019 to do the least expensive Alpha Male 2.0 seminar I’ve ever done. I’ll be in 18 different cities in the USA, Australia, Canada, and Europe. If you want to come to a low-cost seminar to learn how to improve your financial and woman life, click HERE and get your tickets! The next cities coming up are Ottawa, Boston, and New York!