When I talk about long-term sexual monogamy not working, I, surprisingly, don’t get a lot of guys (or women) protesting that anymore. Many years ago I did, even from PUAs(!). Long-term monogamy works as long as you find the right girl, long-term monogamy works if you’re Alpha, long-term monogamy works if you’re a Christian, blah, blah, blah and so on.
Yes, I actually used to get this insane crap from guys defending long-term monogamy and traditional monogamous marriage.
But not so much anymore. Cheating, breakups, and divorces have become so rampant in the last ten years as the Western world continues towards collapse that even hardcore right-wing guys full of Guy-Disney don’t really bother to defend long-term monogamy for fear that they might look stupid (which, of course, they would).
However, I’ve noticed that these excuses have morphed into something else. Defending long-term monogamy has magically transformed into defending jealousy. These excuses usually take the form of one or more of the following:
I could never have an open marriage. I get that monogamy doesn’t work, but I’m too jealous.
I would NEVER have a marriage (or relationship) like you talk about! I can’t be with a woman who is allowed to fuck other guys!!! I’d fucking kill that bitch!
BD, not all men can have an OLTR marriage or open marriage. Maybe it works for some guys, but lots of guys can’t do this. Some men are too jealous.
This all goes back to the concept I’ve discussed before about defending those personal shortcomings that make you unhappy instead of improving them.
Just imagine if you heard a guy say something like…
I could never lose 60 pounds. I’m fat. I was born with bad genetics. It’s just how I am. Maybe some other fat guys can lose 60 pounds, but not me.
I could never make $75,000 per year. I’m too lazy. I know it sucks, but I’m lazy so I’m just going to have to be poor the rest of my life. Just the way it is.
We all have personal shortcomings. I have some, you have some, everyone has some. They’re different for every person, but we all have aspects of our personality, bodies, or genetics that make us weaker / shittier in some areas than other people.
Some guys suck with money. Some guys suck with women. I suck with my weight. Some guys are lazy. And some guys are… jealous.
These are all problems that need to be addressed. These are not things that you just surrender to because “that’s how you are.” No, you dumbass. If these things cause you unhappiness, then eventually, maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually you’re going to have to sit down and address this problem.
Jealousy is not a trait. It’s a problem. A trait is something about you that you have to live with. A problem is something you fix. If you view a problem as a trait, you’re just being lazy and irrational.
Having a lower metabolism is a trait. Nothing wrong with that. Being fat is a problem. You need to address that.
Being an introvert is a trait. Nothing wrong with that. Not having any sex for over a year is a problem. You need to address that.
Having a more emotional personality type is a trait. Nothing wrong with that. Being jealous is a problem. You need to address that.
One argument is that jealousy is biological and thus there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m not saying you should have zero jealousy at all times. That’s silly. I’m saying that if you are really jealous as compared to lots of other men, you have a problem that you need to address.
Let’s take two guys, Guy A and Guy B.
Guy A is an Alpha Male 2.0 who has an OLTR plus an FB on the side he has sex with several times a month. One day his OLTR tells him she had sex with some other guy, a beta male she met at a party last year. He shrugs and moves on with his day. She’s been with him for several years and he trusts her, so he doesn’t really give a shit. Within three minutes it’s completely out of his head.
Guy B is an Alpha Male 1.0 dating three different women casually. One of these women tells him pretty much the same thing; that she had sex with some other guy, a beta male she met at a party last year. He is instantly consumed with jealousy, screams at her, calls her a slut, commands her to never see any other men but him, and stresses about this for the next two weeks.
The biological human propensity for jealousy has nothing whatsoever to do with the difference between these two men. Guy B has a serious problem in his life with his jealousy that he needs to address. If he just says, “Hey man, there’s nothing I can do about it, that’s just the way I am,” then he’s just being a defensive and lazy little bitch… and embracing his own unhappiness.
Stupid. (Unless unhappiness is your goal, but if it is, I’m not sure why you’re reading my content.)
Another argument is that being jealous like this is “healthy” or something. I’m sorry, but psychologists and researchers disagree with you.
Here’s a quote from this article from Psychology Today with citations to all of the referred-to studies:
…what really motivates jealous responses? Research has linked several traits to greater jealousy:
- Low self-esteem.2,3
- Neuroticism: a general tendency to be moody, anxious, and emotionally unstable.2,4
- Feelings of insecurity and possessiveness.5
- Dependence on your partner:6,7 Even asking people to imagine that they don’t have good alternative partners leads to more negative reactions to hypothetical jealousy-inducing scenarios.8
- Feelings of inadequacy in your relationship: Generally fearing that you’re not good enough for your partner.3,9,10An anxious attachment style: A chronic orientation toward romantic relationships that involves fear that your partner will leave you or won’t love you enough.11,12 Research has shown that temporarily causing people to feel more securely attached, by asking them to think about receiving support from a loved one, makes them react less severely to a hypothetical jealousy-inducing situation.13
All of these factors that relate to jealousy are about the insecurities of the jealous people, not about the love they have for their partner.14
Here’s another one from 2KnowMySelf:
The following are possible root causes for jealousy:
Jealousy root cause #1: Lack of self confidence: The main cause for feelings of jealousy are your doubts about your abilities or skills. If you were one hundred percent sure of yourself you would have never suffered from any jealousy feelings
Jealousy root cause #2: Poor self image : Having a poor self image is another cause of jealousy. If you believe that you look ugly or that you are not that handsome then chances are you’ll be experiencing feelings of jealousy whenever you meet someone who looks better than you
Jealousy root cause #3: Fear : One of the root causes behind jealousy is being afraid. This fear can be a fear of ending up alone, a fear of being rejected or a fear of losing the love of your partner.
Jealousy root cause #4: Insecurity: Feelings of insecurity are the result of the two previously mentioned causes. A poor self image and lack of self confidence can result in making you feel insecure about a relationship and this can be a strong reason that can make you jealous.
And here’s a study done by the American Psychological Association titled, “Study links jealousy with aggression, low self-esteem”:
The researchers found:
Both self- and peer-reported jealousy appeared to contribute to adolescents’ experience of loneliness, even when researchers controlled for adolescents’ broader social acceptance by peers.
Adolescents with lower self-worth reported greater vulnerability to jealousy.
Jealous adolescents were both physically aggressive, such as by hitting or pushing, and passively aggressive, such as by ignoring a peer with whom they were angry.
I could go on and on with examples from experts, folks. If you are so damn jealous that you are willing to embrace long-term monogamy that you know doesn’t work, then you have a serious problem within you related to your own self-esteem and inner insecurities that you need to address, fix, and/or alleviate as best you can.
I didn’t say you need to be perfect. As I said above, weight is my problem, and I’ll probably never have that “perfect.” If you’re a jealous guy due to your personality, childhood experiences, or whatever, then sure, you may not ever get to the level of outcome independence regarding sexual jealousy that someone like me has, and that’s okay. The point is to get your jealousy down to levels where you can at least make alternate relationship systems work for you, systems that are more conducive to long-term masculine happiness.
And, as always, it’s your life. If you don’t want to be happy, that’s your choice too. But don’t try to bullshit the world by saying that it’s “just how you are.” That isn’t the problem and you know it. If poor guys can make more money, if introverted guys can go get laid, if I can lose weight, and so on, then you can become much less jealous.
Note: To preempt the question I know I’ll get in the comments: Okay, but HOW do I become less jealous?, read Chapter 12, Section 11 of The Unchained Man, or even better, all of Chapter 14 of The Ultimate Open Relationships Manual. But frankly, how to become less jealous isn’t the real the problem. The problem is guys using their jealousy as an excuse and then doing nothing about it.