The 7 Skills You Must Master for Nonmonogamous Relationships
A while back I published an article here called The 5 Skills You Must Master for Online Dating. It was a very popular article, and a lot of you liked the format. Today I’ll do this for maintaining long-term, low-drama, nonmonogamous relationships.
For those of you who don’t know, anything you want to master in your life can be distilled down to 5-7 key skills. Once you get these skills down, you will have mastered that area. If you can break down what you want to accomplish into those 5-7 skills, it makes things much easier since you’ll know exactly where to focus your time and energy.
Here are the seven skills you must master if you wish to maintain long-term, happy, low-drama relationships with women where you are allowed to have sex with other women whenever you want. This article applies to all four relationship types (FB, MLTR, OLTR, or OLTR Marriage) and I will notate differences when necessary.
To you new readers, and I know we have a lot of you, feel free to take a minute and click on the above definitions to quickly familiarize yourself with them. They will be really helpful in understanding and mastering these concepts.
They are not listed in any particular order since all seven skills are necessary to some degree.
1. Emotional Control
Long-term, low-drama relationships with women are not possible if you don’t know how to manage your own emotions first.
If you get jealous if she talks to another guy, if you fly off the handle when she says something you don’t like, if you fall head-over-heels in love with her because she’s Not Like The Rest™, if you get angry if she insults you, all of these things are going to completely fuck up your ability to maintain the relationship with her in a long-term enjoyable way.
You must learn how to be self-aware. You must learn how to be mindful of your own emotions, identify them when they occur, and manage them. You need to learn how to calm down. You need to stop giving a shit. (More on that last one in a minute.)
You need to remember that there are literally thousands of other hot girls in your city besides her and that she’s not the only one. You need to remember that she’s a woman, and thus she often doesn’t mean what she says and can say things that make no logical sense.
You must always remember the big picture. That is, that this relationship isn’t about her, it’s about your long-term happiness. She’s there to serve your long-term happiness, or else she shouldn’t be there. Of course that doesn’t mean you can be a selfish asshole either, since that also won’t work. It means that you need to take the focus off of her and every little thing she says or does, and place it where it belongs, on your life, your goals, and your Mission.
Emotional control is not only critical to nonmonogamous relationships, but it’s also a core trait to long-term happiness and Alpha 2.0. Let beta males wallow in oneitis and fear. Let the Alpha Male 1.0s get angry at everything. You have better areas to focus on.
2. Managing The First Three Months
Guys who do monogamy can just start dating a girl and doing whatever they feel like or whatever society tells them they “should” do. But the nonmonogamous man doesn’t have that luxury. Instead, you must follow a very specific system during the first three months, carefully moving her, one step at a time, from her monogamous world full of rules, limits, risk, and arguments, to the nonmonogamy world where you can remain a free man and have sex with whomever you want even if you’re in a relationship with someone special.
I describe this step-by-step process in great detail in The Ultimate Open Relationships Manual. You must take her through four phases at certain key points. This way, you can take any woman who is accustomed to normal, monogamous relationships and acclimate her to accept your new, nonmonogamous dating style.
This three-month process is a skill that you must practice and get good at. If you’re not good at this, then the best you can hope for is to stumble through quasi-nonmonogamous flings that last just a month or two before she gets upset and leaves you.
This means you understand which women qualify for FB, MLTR, or OLTR relationships and which ones do not. You need to develop a system (and a feel) for which women are only good for causal relationships, which ones are good for dating but not something to the level of girlfriend (or OLTR in the nonmono world), and those very few who qualify for something serious, as in girlfriend or wife.
This is my version of “screening,” as I described here. The Alpha Male 2.0 model does not involve any screening beyond physical appearance and drama levels. If she’s attractive to you and she’s nice to you, she’s in; nothing else matters. Her upbringing, lifestyle, intelligence, race, education, family history, religion, outlook on life, and so on are completely irrelevant. If she’s a lower quality woman, that’s fine; she’s an FB and that’s it. If she’s of higher quality, then, and only then, she’s an MLTR or possibly a candidate for OLTR.
Most men don’t understand how to categorize women and relationships this way. They treat all women they have sex with the same. Players treat them all like casual FBs, betas treat them all like girlfriends or close to it. Both of these methods are a recipe for problems.
A lot of other guys know how to do this, but lack the emotional control to actually follow through on it. These would be the men who get serious (i.e. something beyond FB) with attractive but clearly problematic women when they know damn well they shouldn’t.
Failure to get good at categorizing means you’re going to have a lot of drama and problems in your relationships and your relationships won’t last as long as they otherwise would.
You can consider congruence as the second part of categorization. Once you categorize a woman as an FB, MLTR, or OLTR, you must treat her this way throughout the entire relationship, and no other way (unless you decide to upgrade or downgrade her later, but that is a deliberate and purposeful choice).
Too many guys don’t know how to do this.
They’ll take their FB out to the movies. No!
They’ll introduce their low-end MLTR to all of their friends and family. No!
They’ll treat their OLTR like a whore. No!
They spend the night with one of their FBs. No!
They see their MLTR three times a week. No!
And so on. Men are really bad at congruence. It’s one of the biggest things they do wrong in relationships. Lack of congruence in relationships causes all kinds of conflict, arguments, and hurt feelings, and it’s almost always the man’s fault.
You need to get good at treating FBs like FBs, MLTRs like MLTRs, and so on.
5. Sexual Skills
The guy who does nothing but one-night-stands and the typical monogamy guy can just whip his clothes off, mount a woman, pump pumpity pump, cum, roll off of her, and be done. But the guy who wants long-term, low-drama relationships with multiple women at the same time needs to actually make women feel good during sex, and do so every time they have sex.
If you don’t do this, women will bail on you fast. Asking her to be cool while you go have sex with other women is a lot to ask of a girl. It’s a direct assault on her Societal Programming, ASD, and Disney.
However, if you fuck her the way she loves and make her orgasm like crazy every time you have sex, she’ll A) stick around even if you’re having sex with other women, B) quickly return to you if she ever leaves you for other reasons, and C) won’t be nearly as dramatic or demanding of you. This has been extensively field-tested by me and lots of other men who have done this. Making a woman feel really good sexually is very powerful in ways most men don’t understand (namely because so many men are bad in bed; women become accustomed to it).
This means you need to learn how to A) make women feel good in bed and B) communicate with women to understand what makes them feel good individually, since all women are different.
6. Outcome Independence
Outcome independence is a requirement for all Alpha Male 2.0 lifestyle aspects of course, from dating, to relationships, to location-independent entrepreneurship, and so on. But it’s absolutely core to maintaining nonmono relationships.
Without outcome independence, you will do things like:
- Get oneitis
- Fall into She’s Not Like The Rest™ traps
- Get angry and/or reactive when she does things you don’t like
- Get jealous (even if she’s not fucking other guys!)
- Get depressed and/or needy if/when she LSNFTEs you
- Fall into her frame more often
- Have drama and arguments more often
All of these things will severely damage your relationships, as well as reduce your return rate for if/when she leaves you.
Stop giving a shit. So much of success and happiness in life is about not giving a fuck.
The more you give a fuck, the more power she has over you. As the old saying goes, and it’s right, the one who cares the least has the most amount of power. Moreover, the one who cares the least produces the most attraction in the other.
7. Drama Management
Nonmonogamous Alpha 2.0s have far less drama than men in normal monogamous relationships, and by wide margins. Yet, women are still women, so occasional drama will still occur in MLTRs and an OLTR no matter how good you are. A core relationship skill is to not only reduce the odds of drama occurring, but to know exactly what to do when drama occurs so that the drama itself, the damage it causes to the relationship, and the damage it causes to her level of attraction is all minimized.
Soft nexting is a big part of this, but there are many other aspects of this skill involved as well.
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