Just like I have analyzed several movies in the past for hidden nuggets of reality (links to which are at the end of this article), today I will analyze what I believe is the only good chick flick ever made, one that’s not only funny, but strangely accurate in displaying relationships and marriage, as well as the behavior of women, beta males, and Alpha Males.
The 2011 movie Bridesmaids was able to pull this of by having an R rating(!) and is shockingly anti-Disney for a movie written by women and aimed at a female audience (with the exception of one quick scene at the end, but frankly, as I’ve shown in the past, all comedies these days, even “guy” ones, have bullshit Disney endings). Despite this being what looks like a chick flick, it’s actually very funny and worth watching. Again, this is perhaps the only chick flick ever made where I will say this.
There will be spoilers.
The movie stars Annie, a single woman in her mid-thirties, the hardest decade for women. She works at a low-income job at a jewelry store where she constantly gets into trouble when she doesn’t go into Disney fantasies with her customers when selling engagement rings. She tells them things like “your love won’t last!”, pissing off her boss, who only hired her because her mom sponsored him in Alcoholics Anonymous.
The first scene is her having sex with a good looking Alpha Male. He fucks the shit out of her treats her like a “fuck buddy” and actually refers to her as his “number three.” Being a girl, she wants more from him but he only wants to bang her and kick her out as soon as he’s done, which he does.
She then goes to visit her mom, who is divorced and constantly bitches about her ex-husband leaving her for a younger woman, likely because the younger woman gives him blowjobs when she would not.
Yep. That’s how it works. If men won’t get what they want from their wives, they’ll get it from somewhere else.
Her life-long best friend gets engaged. Annie tries to put on a happy face but feels jealous of the Disney and attention her friend is getting. Annie becomes the Maid of Honor and then goes to meet the other bridesmaids for the wedding.
One is Exasperated Mom, a long-term married mother of three boys who utterly hates her life. She complains about her three boys constantly. She says boys are cute when they’re young, but when they “reach that age” they are “disgusting, they smell, they’re sticky, they say things that are horrible, and there’s semen all over everything.” “The other day I cracked a blanket in half,” she says.
As I examined here and here and here and here, long-term monogamous marriage, when it “works” and people don’t get divorced, does not make people long-term happy despite the massive false Societal Programming that says otherwise.
Next is Goody Two-Shoes, a young woman who recently married her new beta male husband and is still in hardcore NRE. She was a virgin when she married him and is super excited. More on her later.
Next is Fat Girl (played by Melissa McCarthy, back when she was actually funny), a masculine, aggressive, ugly, overweight, and very horny single woman.
Lastly, she meets Fancy Girl, who is beautiful, elegant, confident, charismatic, cultured, married, and wealthy, everything Annie is not. She quickly becomes Annie’s nemesis throughout the movie as they vie for who is the “best” best friend to the bride. Later, they have a “friendly” tennis match where Annie and Fancy Girl spend the entire time angrily smacking the tennis ball into each other’s boobs rather than trying to score points.
While angrily imitating Fancy Girl in the car, Annie gets pulled over by a timid, beta male cop. She tries to use her sex appeal to get out of the ticket, but since she has none it doesn’t work. Regardless, they eventually hit it off after they realize they live near each other.
At one of the bridesmaids’ events, Goody Two-Shoes talks to Exasperated Mom and says she can’t wait until she’s married as long as she’s been married and can’t wait to have kids. Exasperated Mom rolls her eyes at her naivety and says, “Last night I spent hours making a beautiful meal for my family. My son came in and said he wanted to order pizza instead. I said, ‘We’re not having pizza, I made dinner instead.’ He says ‘Mom, why don’t you go fuck yourself?’ He’s nine!”
Annie goes on a blind date with a random beta male. She goes to his house, overhears him talking to his ex for whom he still has oneitis. He’s clearly not over her and Annie hears him complain that Anne “isn’t even pretty!” His son eats one of her birth control pills and she leaves, going back to Hot Alpha Male where she knows she can get good sex.
Women always come back to Alpha Males. Always.
After sex, she timidly asks him if he would like to come with her to the next bridal gathering as his date. He laughs and says no, coming up with the clever excuse that he doesn’t want to embarrass her by telling everyone they’re just fuck buddies. She tries to play it cool, and says she can just ask another guy she knows named George Glass (an inside joke for those who know pop culture well; “George Glass” was the name of Jan Brady’s fake boyfriend on the Brady Bunch).
Hot Alpha Male just rolls his eyes, doesn’t give a shit, and kicks her out of his house.
The bridesmaids discuss where to have the bachelorette party. Exasperated Mom angrily screams that she wants to go to a “fantasy location” and “balls in her face” so she can “actually have sex with her husband again.”
If you get traditionally monogamously married, you need to plan on eventually either not having frequent sex with your wife, or having sex with her but her not being into it at all (wife sex, as I described here).
So, they decide go to Vegas.
On the plane, Goodie Two-Shoes tells Exasperated Mom how the only man she’s ever had sex with is her new husband. Exasperated Mom explains how terrible that is, and that Goodie Two-Shoes clearly doesn’t know what she wants. That’s why, she says, you go through your “slutty college years,” to get laid and find out what you want and like sexually.
As I’ve said many times, most women go through a slutty phase, usually between ages 15 and 23, where they go get laid a lot, then eventually calm down and get back to normal. Women who never go through this phase often do indeed have problems later in life, usually including them cheating on their husbands/boyfriends or eventually getting divorced.
Goodie Two-Shoes asks Exasperated Mom what she does during sex. Exasperated Mom answers “Thinking about other things and wishing it would stop.”
Yep. Wife sex again. That’s exactly what you’ll be looking forward to if you ever get traditionally, monogamously married. Fun!
Goodie Two-Shoes starts getting depressed and starts drinking alcohol. (She actually tells the stewardess, “I’d like a glass of alcohol, please.”) Both Goodie Two-Shoes and Exasperated Mom get drunk and start making out.
While Fat Girl aggressively tries to fuck the resident air marshal on the plane, Annie also gets drunk and causes a scene. She gets arrested when they land, and the entire group has to immediately take a bus back home, ruining the entire trip. The bride fires Annie as the Maid of Honor.
Sad and lonely, Annie goes to meet up with Beta Male Cop. They go to a bar, then back to his place and have sex. He’s super excited because, being a beta, “this kind of thing has never happened to him before.”
The next morning he immediately gets needy, and surprises her with a bunch of baking stuff in his kitchen, knowing she likes to bake, and says they should bake together. His neediness instantly turns her off and scares her a little, and she leaves. He’s heartbroken.
As always, it’s usually men these days who get too serious or too needy to quickly. This is truer now than ever before, due the prevalence of beta males in society. (And will get worse.)
Later, at her job at the jewelry store, when a teenage girl asks about a BFF necklace, Annie tells her that she won’t be friends with her BFF forever, and how it’s all bullshit. An argument ensues which demonstrates classic differences between a stressed-out over-33 woman (who calls the teenage girl stupid and slutty) and the dumb teenage younger woman (who calls Annie old and ugly).
If you want to watch an extended 10 minute version of this argument, it’s right here. It’s a fantastic performance, a great example of two dumb women fighting, and really funny, most of which was completely ad-libbed by both actors:
Anyway, at the end of the argument, Annie calls the teenage girl a “little cunt,” and promptly gets fired. She also gets kicked out of her apartment and moves in with her mother, to her mother’s joy, who has been begging Annie to move in with her forever.
Old people always think that getting married guarantees them companionship forever, but that’s almost never the case, as I examined here.
Later, at the bridal shower, when Fancy Girl gets the bride a better present than Annie, Annie loses her shit, starts screaming at everyone, and runs around and starts trashing all the catered food at the party. Annie and the bride argue. The bride says, “Why can’t you be happy for me then go home and talk behind my back like a normal woman?”
Yup. That’s normal.
Annie gets into a car accident on the way home and gets into an argument with Beta Male Cop. While they argue, Hot Alpha Male pulls up in his nice sports car and takes Annie away, much to the chagrin of Beta Male Cop.
In the car, Hot Alpha Male tries to get Annie to give him a blowjob while he drives. Annie gets pissed, has him pull over, and leaves the car. He says, “You’re no longer my number three!” and drives away.
Fat Girl comes over and tells Annie to man up. She tells Annie about how she was tormented and ridiculed in high school and now she’s financially successful with 6 rental properties, all because she busted her ass instead of whining about her problems. She says, “I don’t associate with people who blame the world for their problems. YOU’RE your problem, Annie. And you’re the solution.”
Sound familiar? I seem to know a blog written by a guy who says that a lot…
Moving on, Fancy Girl tries to make peace with Annie, revealing that her marriage is terrible, that her husband never wants to see her, and that he travels most of the year.
When you see traditionally married people, it’s rarely as good as it seems. Almost never, in fact.
At the very end of the movie, there is, yes, a Disney wedding, but the scene is mercifully short, lasting perhaps one minute. As the new married couple drives away, Fat Girl reveals to Annie that she put a loaded pistol in the groom’s suitcase as a joke. “TSA is gonna rip his ass apart,” she says. The final scene of the movie is Fat Girl filming her first-time sex with the air marshal (a short, ugly beta male) where she eats a giant sandwich off his body.
There’s more to the movie that didn’t really warrant me describing it here. If Hollywood actually made more rated-R anti-Disney chick flicks like this, I’d go see them. Sadly, I’m pretty sure this is the only one ever made (though I could be wrong).