Many years ago, I was talking to a very cute woman on an online dating site. When I pitched a first meet at a coffee shop, she countered by saying that I should just come over to her apartment, and perhaps bring some wine.
My eyes bugged out of my skull, since out of thousands of online interactions I’ve had, this had never happened. A woman proactively suggesting, without any prodding or suggestion from me, that we just get right to the sex without meeting up for a first date first? Hallelujah! This was great! Why can’t all women be like this?
Of course I said yes, grabbed a bottle of some of my usual $9 wine from my liquor cupboard (I don’t drink, but everyone else does, thus I have alcohol in my house), and headed on over to her place.
When I arrived, she was pleasant, and just as cute as her pictures indicated. Good. However, as she showed me around her apartment, I started to realize something was a little off. Her place looked like it was owned by a man, not a woman. She had posters of Batman and The Hulk on her wall; something I’d expect from a nerd (and a male nerd at that) like me, not a cute blonde woman. She also talked about how much she loved Star Wars, raunchy stand-up comedy, and other traditionally masculine stuff. Then she told me what she did for a living; she was a security guard at a woman’s prison.
Damn. This was the most masculine-but-heterosexual woman I had ever met. It was definitely her apartment though; she lived there, alone.
Whatever. I didn’t mind. She was hot, so who cares what she’s into? A woman like this would make a great FB… or so I thought.
Soon, our clothes started coming off, and oh boy, was I in for a surprise. No, she wasn’t a transsexual or lesbian or anything like that. She was definitely all woman and very into men. However, she was one of the most sexually dominant women I’ve ever encountered. She practically tore off my pants, told me to shut up, and started giving me super intense oral sex. Uh… okay… a little different… but she was quite skilled so I was happy.
Then we were on her bed. I’m very sexually dominant, so I grabbed her and pulled her towards me. She actually shoved my arms away and told me no. Hm. That had never happened before. She then informed me that she had to be on the top. Shit. I hate being on the bottom. But hey, it was the first time we had sex so I let it go.
During the entire time she was on top, she kept barking orders at me, told me to shut up, told me to not make any noise, and on and on. That’s a problem. I’m very loud. When I have sex, I sound like a roaring, retarded T-Rex. I don’t know what “quiet” means in a sexual context. Eventually, she could tell I wasn’t really enjoying myself.
On my way home, I was astounded that I had encountered someone who was so sexually incompatible with me. She must have been accustomed to extremely quiet, submissive beta males during sex. Nothing wrong with that. Everyone’s into what they’re into. But despite her attractiveness and kindness, her and I could never carry on a sexual relationship, even a very casual one.
We never saw each other again, which was for the best, for both of us.
The issue of sexual compatibility is one that is almost never discussed, which is a problem because it’s hugely important to the success of a long-term, or even medium-term relationship. If you start dating a woman who is very attractive, very smart, very fun, and you really like, but who hates having sex the way you do (or is physically unable to do so), then none of her other positive attributes matter. This is not a woman you should be in an ongoing relationship with.
I have seen people start dating someone who has a lot of great qualities, but massive sexual incompatibilities, and it never works. Never. Women in particular make this mistake of getting oneitis for a guy and trying to carry on a romantic or sexual relationship with a man who is clearly incompatible with them, but I’ve seen a lot of men make this mistake as well. People sometimes try to convince themselves that the positives of the person (“He’s such a good guy!” for women and “She’s so hot!” for men) outweigh the fact that enjoyable sex is near-impossible between them on an ongoing basis.
As I’ve said many times, sex in a relationship is ridiculously important, and if quality sex isn’t possible with someone, it doesn’t matter how much you like that person or how amazing he or she is.
I admit that sometimes, this is hard to confront. Twice in the last ten years, I had the difficult scenario where I tried to carry on MLTR relationships with two women who were really amazing, but were physically unable to have the kind of sex I enjoy. Both of these women were extremely smart, attractive, and my kind of women. They were very high quality people and our attraction and connection was strong and mutual.
However, they had the kind of bodies where they simply could not take the intense, dominant, pounding and crushing I do when I have sex. One would actually bleed sometimes. The other would get extremely sore for several days afterwards to the point of causing intense pain. I went out of my way to be more gentle with these women. Sometimes I succeeded, and sometimes I failed. I cared about both of them and wanted it to work, but in the end, I realized that a long-term sexual relationship was just not possible for us, so I had to, very reluctantly, say goodbye.
It was not their fault. It was not my fault. We just weren’t sexually compatible. It doesn’t happen often, but it happens.
One could make the argument that sexual incompatibility isn’t relevant in a nonmonogamous relationship, since if you can’t have sex with her, you can always have sex with other women on the side. My response is that might make sense in a long-term relationship where sexual compatibility existed but doesn’t anymore, but you can’t establish a new relationship under these conditions.
In other words, if you have a long-term OLTR wife to whom you’ve been living with for many years, and the sex with her is great, and down the road, she has some kind of health problem that makes it difficult or impossible to have sex, then yes, I agree you could make that work if you were having enough sex with one or two reliable side-FB’s. But if you meet a brand new woman and try to establish a sexual relationship with her, it’s not going to work if the two of you aren’t sexually compatible from the start.
The slight good news is that this sexual compatibility issue works both ways. Most women you have sex with will be sexually compatible with you enough to where you both enjoy having sex with each other. However, a small percentage of women will be 100% in-sync with you sexually in every way you can imagine, down to the little details. Again, this is rare, but when it happens, it’s quite exciting and a huge amount of fun.
There have been several women in my life who literally loved, not liked, but loved the way I have sex, and I loved the way they had sex. These were some of the most enjoyable relationships I’ve ever had. It was a huge bonus. I could just do what I like, not worry about doing anything different or special, and these women were so excited they couldn’t believe it. I was also excited because they did and reacted exactly the way I want women to do during sex, without me having to tell them or coach them in any way. These relationships ranged from very serious to very casual FB’s, but sexually, they were all fantastic beyond words.
The bottom line is that you should not try to maintain a relationship with a woman to whom you are not sexually compatible with. Often, you (and her) will have to make minor adjustments to how you have sex with each other, which is perfectly fine, particularly if the relationship is more serious or you have long-term intentions for it. But if a woman is just so far out of the zone that you (or her!) aren’t enjoying the sex, or it’s causing real problems, you need to have the courage and the outcome independence to very nicely and gently let her go. Let her find another man who is more sexually compatible with her, and you do the same with women.