In Relationships: Commanding vs Responding
One of the guys over at the Alpha 2.0 Community asked this question:
BD you mention you “never control women” and “literally let them do whatever they want”. It would help if you could elaborate on that! How to deal with minor annoyances/behaviors of her you would like to correct. How all of that relates to leading and outcome independence.
One of the hallmarks of the Alpha Male 2.0, that which separates him from both his beta male and Alpha Male 1.0 brothers, is that he is outcome independent. As I explain in my book, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about his objectives. It simply means he doesn’t care about any one interaction or event. If he’s going out on a bunch of first dates, yes, he wants to get laid; that’s his objective. But on any one individual date, or in dealing with any one individual woman, he absolutely does not give a shit at all about how the interaction will end up.
This applies to his family, his business and career, his investments, and his physical health. It can even extend, as it does with me, to his views on the world, politics, religion, and culture. I care strongly about my long-term personal objectives, but I very little regarding the details, and probably never will. I’m too busy working on my Mission and being happy.
The reason for outcome independence is twofold:
1. It makes you a more attractive man. As I’ve said many times, outcome independence is the single, most attractive non-physical quality men can have to women. It doesn’t apply to just women either. In dealing with other men in business (as just one example), it’s also “attractive.” People generally want to do business with people who don’t need the business, not some guy who is starving and hungry for it.
2. It ensures your long-term, consistent happiness. If you get angry every time your MLTR does something stupid, or when one of your investments goes down 14% in one day, or when a football player kneels during the national anthem, or when you gain three pounds, or when an SJW says something insane on YouTube, then you’re never going to be long-term happy. It’s literally impossible. Not giving a shit ensures your odds for long-term happiness go way up.
The way this concept extends into your sexual and romantic relationships with women is to let them do whatever the hell they want. That doesn’t mean you’re a beta and let women treat you like shit or walk all over you though. Here’s what I mean:
- If she does something you don’t like, and it’s minor, you don’t give a shit, and don’t react at all. Who cares? You have bigger things to concern yourself with, or should.
- If she does something you don’t like, and it’s moderate, you soft next her ass, perhaps after giving her one warning, then go spend time with another one of your women, and circle back to her when she’s calmed down.
- If she does something you don’t like, and it’s serious, you hard next her, or downgrade the relationship type, or give her an unusually long soft next.
The key is that none of the above items involve telling her what to do. At no point are you telling her what to do or forbidding her to do certain things. You’re letting her do whatever she wants. You’re just responding to what she does.
When you tell a woman what to do, it creates both drama and work. When you tell her what to do, or not do…
1. You now have to monitor her behavior to make sure she actually follows your orders. The typical example is the Alpha Male 1.0 boyfriend checking his girlfriend’s phone, trying to hack into her email, or stalking her Instagram page. Again, you have better things to do with your time, or should.
2. You have to have an argument with her when she fails to follow your orders, which as a human being and a woman, she is virtually guaranteed to do. This damages your happiness.
3. You have encouraged her to start hiding things from you, and this is not healthy for a long-term relationship. (I suppose if all you want for the rest of your life are short-term relationships, then feel free to do whatever you want. But habitually hiding things from your long-term partner isn’t going to work.)
None of this is conducive to long-term consistent happiness.
The true blue Alpha Male 1.0 reads this and thinks, “So what? So I have more work and drama. Who cares? She needs to do what she’s told!” I’m sure I’ll get some guys say something like this in the comments. As I’ve said many times, if long-term happiness is not your priority in life, feel free to ignore all of my advice and be as bossy and domineering with your women as you like. You’ll never be as consistently happy as me, but if you’re wedded to the Alpha Male 1.0 model, you probably don’t care.
Moving on, an analogy to this control vs. respond model is raising kids. When my children were little, when they were misbehaving, their mother did it the standard, Alpha Male 1.0 method of commanding. She would say something like, “Clean up your mess!”
Invariably, my kids, being kids, would not clean up their mess, or would not clean it up fast enough, resulting in a mom-on-kid argument and repeated commands.
I never did that. I don’t do drama, since I don’t do unhappiness. So I raised my kids the Alpha 2.0 way. Instead of saying “Clean up your mess!” which is telling someone what to do, I would say, in a calm tone of voice, “See the clock? Good. If this mess is not cleaned up in 20 minutes, you’re going to your room for three hours with no Nintendo. Now feel free to do whatever you want.”
Result: Within 20 minutes the mess would be cleaned up, virtually every time.
Their mom argued with my kids all the time. I almost never had to.
It works the same way with women. Instead of the Alpha 1.0 frame of “You must do what I say!” my frame is, “You can do literally whatever you want, and I’ll never tell you what to do, because you can’t ever tell me what to do. But, since my time is finite, if you do something I don’t like, I’m going to spend my time with someone else.”
This is why Alpha Male 1.0’s have near-constant drama and conflict in their woman lives and the Alpha 2.0 virtually never does.
Is it easy to be with a woman, sexually and/or romantically, and really let her do whatever the hell she wants? Granted, not at first, at least not for a lot of men. Because of false Societal Programming and your own male Obsolete Biological Wiring, you have been trained your entire life by your society and your biology to start laying down rules and orders as soon as you start dating someone. Not doing any of that is going to feel weird the first time you try it. But as in all things, once you do it a few times, it becomes no big deal, and the long-term happiness you receive as a reward is more than worth it.
(Women also have been “trained” to start laying down rules and orders as soon as they start dating you, and this goes double (if not triple) if they’re over the age of 33. This is something you’ll have to mitigate and manage in a nonmonogamous, Alpha 2.0 relationship, via your frame and relationship management techniques, but that’s a topic for another time, and one I’ve discussed before.)
Another side to this that men often forget is that you are more than welcome to verbalize or subcommunicate the behaviors you like in a woman and the behaviors you don’t. “Don’t ever give me drama!” is a command, but saying something like, “I hate drama. I never do it. I won’t spend any time with anyone who gives me drama,” is a statement of preference. That’s perfectly fine. Any woman in a relationship with you for more than several weeks will start to figure out what you like and what you hate. Communicating your preferences, so she knows what you like and don’t like, is perfectly fine.
Lastly, because I know this topic will come up if I don’t address it, yes, there are exceptions to this model. If you have a very serious, long-term OLTR, particularly if you live with her and/or raise children with her, there sadly has to be a few commands and rules that need to be followed by both of you. As an Alpha 2.0, I don’t like that, but that’s the price you pay for that kind of long-term pair-bonding. (And if that price is too high for you, you should simply avoid pair-bonding and stick with MLTR‘s and FB‘s. Perfectly fine.)
This is the only exception though. Outside of that, stating preferences, then nexting and downgrading instead of commanding is a better model to follow for your long-term happiness.