When Is It Okay To Pay for Sex?
I have discussed this topic peripherally several times but never addressed it head-on. Today’s the day.
Over the years, on this blog and other blogs and forums, I have seen two extreme sides of this issue. I have seen men scream from the rooftops that paying hookers (or sugar babies) for sex is the only valid way to go. Learning dating skills, “wasting your time playing women’s game,” and “putting up with women’s crap” is for suckers and pussies. Just pay for it and get on with your life, they say.
On the flip side, I have seen men get extremely upset at even the mention of maybe paying women to have sex. Only complete pussy betas do this, they say, and paying for sex is not only harmful to you, but harmful to society and men everywhere. Other men on this side of this issue scream that paying for sex “isn’t game,” and therefore, you’re not a real man (or a real Alpha) if you do it.
In other words, whether it’s a good, bad, or neutral thing, paying for sex is not an issue you’ll see any consensus on, and I expect a brawl in the comments about this (which is fine).
How I Form Opinions
Unlike most people, when I form opinions, I start with facts and long-term happiness as my baseline, rather than politics, philosophy, ego, or even my personal preferences. I ignore all that crap and I ask three questions whenever forming an opinion:
1. Will this make me long-term happy? That means happy today and happy 5-10 years from now, as opposed to unhappy today, or happy today but unhappy years down the road.
2. Is it realistic, doable and probable within real-world facts, realities, trends, and limitations? I have to make sure I’m not operating on my opinions or the way I want things to be, but rather how things actually are. (This is why I have so many disagreements with both left-wingers and right-wingers, both of whom are often stuck viewing the world as they think it should be, rather than how it actually is.)
3. Does this conflict with anything in my personal Code of Conduct? This usually means, does it require me to hurt or lie to anyone?
If the answers are yes, yes, and no, then I go for it, completely irrelevant of Societal Programming, or what I think “should” be the “best” way to do something, or what is best for “society.” None of these things are relevant to my long-term happiness as an Alpha Male 2.0 who is largely detached from the system. As I’ve said for many years, emotions are not a good way to make decisions, and societies usually proceed in their own direction regardless of your opinion or mine.
When Is Paying for Sex Okay? If Ever?
Now that you know how I arrive at my opinions, here’s my opinion on if/when it’s okay to pay for sex. In my opinion, it’s perfectly acceptable to pay for sex provided you have met two mandatory criteria. If you have not met these two criteria, then it is not okay for you to pay for sex, and doing so is very harmful for you.
These two criteria are:
1. You already know how to get laid reasonably quickly and with at least a reasonably cute women, without having to pay for it (other than the usual dating expenses; things like gas/mass transit, parking, and maybe paying for a drink or two).
2. You make enough money and have little enough debt and monthly expenses where paying for it does not damage your finances and long-term financial plans and goals in any way.
If you meet both of those criteria (and I mean BOTH, not one or the other, BOTH), and want to pay for sex, then go ahead. I have no problem with it and I don’t think doing so will harm you. If you haven’t met both criteria yet, then paying for sex not only makes you somewhat of a loser, but it also harms both your self-esteem and your financial future.
I shall explain all this, but before I do, I know that some in the comments will attempt to put forth the view point that “all men” pay for “all sex” somehow. This is a topic for another day and I will ignore all such comments, at least for now. Today I’m talking about truly transactional sex; literarily handing a woman cash (or the equivalent) so she will have sex with you, in a scenario where if you don’t hand her this cash, she won’t have sex with you.
You Must Already Know How to Get Laid for Free
The Alpha 2.0 sexual baseline is when you have reached a point where you are able to go out into the world, cold, and have sex with at least two new women within four weeks of starting from scratch, and these women are at least “cute” to you. Once you’ve reached that point, if you then choose to start paying for sex because you’re busy and it takes less time, it’s less of a hassle, you have other areas in your life you want to focus on, your sex drive has declined a little, or whatever else, then I honestly don’t see a problem with it.
The reason is because you already know that you can go out and get laid without paying for it. You know internally that you’re paying for it just because you want to save time or effort, not because that’s the only way you can get laid. This knowledge prevents your self esteem and inner frame from being damaged. You could get laid with hot babes without paying for it if you wanted to, and you have before, but you’re only introducing money into the equation because you’d rather not take the time.
I’ve said before that even if you’re at my level and can get laid whenever you want with $0-$27 spent within three hours grand total face time, you can still knock those three hours down to 10-15 minutes if you just go to a sugar daddy site and pay for it. While philosophically I have a huge problem with exchanging money for sex (I have to give you money so I can give you the attention you crave and make you feel good? Huh?), I have to admit that within real-world realities, saving that kind of time can make sense if you’re a woman-experienced, very busy, high-income guy.
I’ve already conducted several experiments on sugar daddy sites myself, and was reasonably successful. I also have an entire chapter on the two types of sugar daddy game in my Online Dating Manual. (The two types are “pay for it” game and “don’t pay for it” game; the latter works but takes much more time and effort.) Since I already match the two criteria above, I have strongly considered the pay option going forward to more easily maintain FBs.
I have to admit that I still don’t like it philosophically, but again, that’s not how I make decisions. I have to admit that the guys who say paying for it saves a lot of time and effort do have a point, and since I’m all about time management, and quality time management makes me very long-term happy, I have to give credence to it.
Here’s where the problem begins, though. All the above arguments I just made about how it saves time are often used by men who don’t know how to get laid. These men happily pay for prostitutes or sugar babies and brag that they’re saving all kinds of time and effort. Just one problem; these guys know they can’t get laid any other way. They have to pay for it in order to get it.
Just imagine for a minute that you knew you couldn’t get laid (or get laid quickly, or get laid with someone hot) unless you paid for it. How would that make you feel? What would that do to your confidence? Self-esteem? Frame?
Let’s take it a step further. How would this make you feel about women? How would this make you feel about relationships?
I can tell you for a fact that you would feel like shit, about all of those things. Your self-esteem would take a serious hit and you’d have a skewed, negative view of women and relationships in general, at least eventually (exactly how long-time strippers end up having a skewed, negative view of men).
In other words, if you must pay for sex in order to have sex, this is very bad. You’re a beta. Long-term, you’re going to feel like shit if you don’t already. Instead, learn the skills so that you can have sex without paying for it and if you still want to go back and pay for it at that point, then go ahead, since doing it won’t harm you once you’re at that level.
Of course, that’s only provided you also meet the second criteria…
You Must Be Able to Easily Afford It… Emphasis on “Easily”
The second criteria you must meet before you start paying for sex in a way that doesn’t harm you is that you must have:
1. A reasonably high income.
2. Comparatively low monthly expenses.
3. Little or zero debt.
If you make $175,000 a year, have zero debt, reasonably low monthly expenses, healthy long-term investments/savings, and continue to fund those monthly, then if you want to throw around $100-$300 a few times a month to get laid, go ahead. I see no problem with this (as long as you meet criteria number one above).
If you make $45,000 a year and have the typical amount of debt, and you’re spending $100-$300 to get laid on even a semi-regularly basis, then with all due respect, you’re a fucking idiot and you’re probably headed for bankruptcy. Use that extra cash to build your skills, build your income, and pay down debt, not to pay hookers. If you want to get laid, learn the skills, practice, and get to at least an intermediate level at dating/pickup. It’s not that hard.
I mention this because I’ve seen a growing number of mid or even low-income men pay hookers or chicks on sugar daddy sites on a regular basis. No! You are severely damaging your long-term future financial position if you do this. Learn how to get laid for free and pay for it later once your income is higher or your debt is lower (ideally zero).
The same goes for you high-income guys who have shitloads of debt or who have huge monthly expenses because of things like a high lifestyle, alimony, or child support. I don’t care if you make $200,000 a year if you are paying $4500 a month in alimony/child support and your house payment is $3200 a month. Fucking hell, dude. Stop paying for sex! You can’t afford it! You need to be paying down your debt and funding your retirement. Learn how to get laid for free or pay off your debts and alimony and move into a cheaper house, then pay for it.
The money that goes to paying for sex cannot be the same money you would normally use to pay down debts or to put away for long-term savings. If you make enough money and have low enough expenses to where you can easily fund these things and pay for sex occasionally, then fine.
You Should Do These Two Things Anyway
As I already talked about here and here, learning how to get laid for free and getting your income up to a decent level should be something you should be doing anyways, regardless of any women or sex in your life. So, what I call “criteria” here are actually two of the baseline requirements for long-term masculine happiness regardless of women.
Regardless, my viewpoint stands. I don’t like the concept of paying for sex, but if you already know how to get sex without paying for it, and you can easily afford it, and paying for sex frees up your time to pursue other important tasks in your life, then, and only then, paying for sex is probably fine.