“There’s this one girl…”
As the readership of this blog continues to grow, I’m getting more people posting comments on articles all over the blog, which is great. The problem is there’s been a noticeable upswing in the number of guys who are asking “there’s this one girl” questions. These questions always go like this:
Hey BD, there’s this one girl I’m currently dating / trying to have sex with. I did X and she did Y. What should I do now? What would you do? Can I salvage this?
For many years, “there’s this one girl” questions were off-limits on PUA forums. There was a very good reason for this. Taking the time to ask a question about that One Girl™ shows several things about you:
1. You’re not working with enough girls. As always, you should always be focusing on many girls, not just one at a time, or even a few at a time. Even if you have more than one woman on your radar, you probably don’t have enough.
2. You’re outcome dependent, and that’s all kinds of bad. Remember that outcome independent means you have objectives, but that you don’t care at all about any one woman or any one interaction, as I explain here.
3. You’re possibly getting a little oneitis. Or a lot.
4. It puts the frame and focus on this one girl instead of you, your skill set, and your objectives.
Just look at these two questions:
“How do I get this girl?”
“How do I get better at getting girls?”
The second question is a great question, and one you should focus on. The first question is a horrible question and one you should always avoid.
But wait a minute, BD. If I ask a question about how to get this one girl, that might help my skills with the next girl.
Yeeeeeahhh…that’s what you might think, but as a dating content provider with eight years of experience, I can tell you for a fact that’s not what normally happens. This leads into the fifth reason these questions are a bad idea…
5. Focusing on “there’s this one girl” questions encourages the asking of stupid questions.
All the time, I will get “there’s this one girl” questions like, “Hey BD, I was texting this girl to set up the first date, but then she said she didn’t like X and went radio silent. What should I do? How do I turn this around?”
The answer is, you text her one more time, pitch the date one more time, and if she says no you hard next her and move to the next woman on the list, you dumbass. Did you really have to ask such a stupid question? Because you’re asking a “there’s this one girl” question, the answer is yes, you had to ask a stupid question, because your focus is on her when it should be on you.
So as of right now, I will no longer answer any comments on this blog containing a “there’s this one girl” question. I will allow them here, and other commenters can help you if they wish, but if you’re asking me about what to do about one particular girl, I won’t be responding (other than perhaps posting a link to the article you’re now reading).
Instead, here’s what you should do:
1. Buy my main real life (not online) dating book located here. It goes though the entire process of zero to sex, step-by-step and works very well.
3. If you’re in a relationship, read this post on de facto monogamy, since that’s probably what you’re either doing or at least heading for (which is bad).
5. If you still need help, check out my coaching services and I can help you personally.
Common Answers to “There’s This One Girl” Questions
Based on most of the “there’s this one girl” questions I’ve seen (and I’ve seen a lot), one of these answers below is the answer to your question, or will at least help you.
1. Wait 24 hours, text her again, have a nice and brief little conversation, pitch the date again, and if she still balks, hard next her ass and move on to the next woman. (This, seriously, is the answer to most “there’s this one girl” questions.)
2. If it’s regarding someone you’re already having sex with, wait two or three days, text her again like nothing happened, and pitch a meetup. If she says no, soft next her for at least a week. If she says yes, do not discuss whatever you were discussing earlier. If she tries, tell her you don’t want to talk about it. If she pushes it, soft next her.
3. If you haven’t had sex with her at least twice, your odds of recovering from any problem during the pickup / dating / seduction phase are low, usually 15% or less, so set your expectations accordingly. This is why you must focus on many women at a time instead of just one or a few.
4. Remember that if you haven’t had sex with her at least twice, you are not in a relationship yet, so none of the relationship rules (like seeing her once a week) or techniques (like soft nexting) will work or apply here. Way too many of you mix up pickup techniques with relationship techniques. No! These are two very different things. If you haven’t had sex with her twice yet, you’re still in dating/pickup mode, not relationship management mode.
5. Most importantly: Get your ass out there and get more women! If you’re in dating/pickup mode you should never be working on less than 10 women at a time. If you’re in relationship mode, you should never be having sex with less than two women, ideally three or four women, every 30 days. If your numbers are less than any of these, you’re in for oneitis, outcome dependence, drama, problems, reduced sex, and betaization. The fact you’re asking a “there’s this one girl” question means you’re already falling into that trap. Stop being a lazy pussy, snap out of it, and get back out there!