Many of you have asked for specific, real life examples of what happened when I soft nexted someone. I’m here to please, so today that’s what we’ll cover.

A few warnings first. If you are an Alpha Male 1.0 who is committed to a lifestyle of bossing women around and putting up with semi-regular drama because of it (because the control you exert is “worth the drama”) then this article will make you extremely upset. The concept of temporarily kicking a woman out of your life rather than lecturing her or laying down the law is extremely uncomfortable for Alpha 1.0s.

Also, if you are a woman over the age of 33, you will also be very upset today if you continue reading, since you will view a soft next as abandoning a woman, which it is not. I shouldn’t have to say this since this is a blog for men, but I know from the traffic statistics and my email that many of you ladies read this blog anyway.

Therefore, I will ignore any comments or email from any of you drama guys saying that a real man screams back at a woman or you women saying that soft nexting is mean. As always, this is a blog only for men who want to be happy. This is not a blog for women, nor is it for men who don’t mind occasional unhappiness. You two groups are more than welcome to go read some other blog. You’ve been warned.

The soft next is the greatest, most powerful, and most effective tool in a man’s relationship toolbox. Since women crave attention from a man more than anything else, the strategic removal of attention will transform a screaming, angry woman into a compliant, happy sweetheart, and do so with minimal effort and zero drama…if you have the balls to do it, which most men do not.

Summarized, the soft next is when you temporarily remove yourself from a woman’s life, without any arguments or anger, and ignore any and all contact from her during that time frame (usually 24 hours to 7 days), because she gave you drama. It is not a punishment. It is not something you do because you’re angry. It is a teaching tool.

After the soft next is over, you simply resume the relationship as if nothing happened. Assuming you perform the soft next correctly (and many men don’t), you will be shocked at how nice and happy she is to you once the process is over, even if just a few days prior she was acting like a complete bitch. It’s a nuclear-strength technique that works almost every time, in ways that will amaze you.

As a side point, when I use the word “drama,” I’m referring to a very specific definition, which per the glossary is:

Drama – Any harsh negative actions directed from a woman to man where the man is the target of said negativity. Screaming, nagging, complaining, arguing, demands, crying “at you,” threats, ultimatums, the “silent treatment,” refusing sex because of non-medical reasons, all of these things are drama, and there are many others. Drama is not “anything negative.” Specifically, it must be harsh (sweetly lying would not be considered drama) and focused at the man (angrily complaining about her boss at work would not be considered drama).

If you want more detail on this definition, please read this. The point is that I don’t soft next women because they’re angry at their sister, or because they had a bad day at work, or because they gently bring a problem in the relationship to my attention in a calm tone of voice. The only time you need to soft next women is if they harshly direct their anger or frustration at you personally, either verbally or electronically.

If a woman I’m dating is standing in front of me hysterically screaming about her boss, her ex-husband, or Republicans, that’s perfectly cool with me and she can do that all day. As an Alpha Male 2.0, I never tell women what to do; I have more important things to focus on. But the minute she starts bitching about me, now we have a problem. Per the 20 second rule, she has 20 seconds to calm down before she gets a soft next so I can get back to my happy life. As always, if she hates that, she can dump me and go be with a man who doesn’t mind drama and unhappiness. (Beta males put up with drama and many Alpha Male 1.0s kind of like it.)

Fortunately, this never happens. To be clear: no woman I have ever soft nexted dumped me because I soft nexted her. Soft nexts increase attraction and desire for you, not reduce it. Responding to her drama, like arguing with her or screaming at her is what reduces attraction, since you’re giving her the attention she desires.  (It doesn’t matter if it’s negative attention; attention is attention.) When you’re arguing with her, you’re playing her game at that point, a game she is biologically designed to win and you are not.

The soft next is done a very specific way and can easily be done incorrectly if you rush it, or if you lack emotional control, or if you have oneitis. If you want specific steps on how to do it, you can either purchase my relationships ebook or look at a somewhat outdated list of steps here. Regardless, this is not an article about how to do a soft next; it’s an article about specific times I’ve soft nexted women in the past and the results.

Lastly, I have to state that because soft nexting is a reaction to drama you are receiving from a woman, if you have to soft next women a lot, you’re doing something wrong. You’re either dating high-drama women (which is your fault), or you’re dating women under the age of 23, who tend to be more disorganized and drama-prone (again, your fault), or your frame is way off (again, your fault), or you are causing the drama in the first place (your fault). Just be aware of this. I personally haven’t had to actually soft next a woman in about two years, because I manage my relationships with women correctly, i.e. I have relationships that are happy and low drama, or else I don’t have them.

As I’ve said many times, the only reason a woman should be in your life is if she makes you happier than if she wasn’t there. If this is not true, then she should not be there. The world would be a far happier place if men (and women!) followed this very simple standard. Unless you’re raising small children who are depending on the two of you, tolerating consistent unhappiness from a woman in your life is just stupid. If that sounds harsh, let me remind you that 70-80% of divorces are initiated by the wife, not the husband.

Alrightee, let’s get to the case studies. These are all real events that happened to me that are 100% accurate based on my admittedly foggy memory. All of them were many years ago (because again, I haven’t soft nexted anyone in quite a while; I haven’t needed to).

Example 1

This was the very first time I had to soft next my Asian MLTR / OLTRish woman from several years ago. We had been seeing each other for about a year as FBs with virtually zero drama, and I slowly started to upgrade her to MLTR. One day, pretty much out of the blue, she must have been in a bad mood or PMSing, because she started bitching at me about some very silly stuff that I honestly don’t remember. She was at my house, and I warned her that if she continued with her crap, I’d have to take her home. She continued her crap, so I simply said, “Okay, let’s go.” (She had no car at the time.) She got very quiet but complied.

During the ride home, she was more or less okay, but after getting home, she plastered a whole pile of insults against me on her MySpace page (yes, this was back in the MySpace days). Soft next initiated! This being her first soft next, I decided that 48 hours should probably do it. She sent me a text later that evening and I ignored it. She sent me a few more and I ignored those. She called me and I didn’t answer. She proceeded to call me three more times (I think; my memory is hazy) and leave two voice mails. The first voice mail was very nice and she asked nicely for me to call her back. On the second voice mail she was crying, begging me to call her. Felt a little bad, but knew I had to hold out. I didn’t respond.

She texted me one more time the following day. I ignored it. On the day after that, I texted her setting up our next meet for next week, acting as if nothing happened. She responded immediately, and very enthusiastically. A few days later we met up, she was happy and smiling as could be, and we had a great time. I never had to soft next her again for at least another year and half or so. This is more amazing considering she had non-stop drama with her boyfriend before me.

Soft nexts work.

Example 2 

Once I had an MLTR who was a highly educated woman in her early 30s who made almost six figures. One day, at her house, we were having wine (or should I say, she was having wine, since I don’t drink). I started to undress her and she stopped me, making some excuses that didn’t make any sense. This usually means there is a specific reason a woman has, but doesn’t want to tell you. More often than not, she’s ether upset with you about something or there’s another man in the picture you’re not aware of.

In this case, I think there was another man in the picture, but I wasn’t sure. While I don’t like not having sex, if a woman I’m seeing doesn’t want to have sex with me, that’s perfectly fine, since I’m always nonmonogamous thus I can always go get it somewhere else. This is very unlike men in monogamous relationships, where if the woman refuses sex, and eventually she will, it’s a very serious problem in the relationship or marriage, often resulting in resentment, anger, cheating or divorce. As usual, absolute sexual monogamy is conducive to societal acceptance but not to long-term happiness.

I tried a few more times, she resisted, so I stopped. We talked for a little while longer, and I got up to go home. She wanted me to stay, but I said if she didn’t want to have sex with me, it was perfectly fine, but I wasn’t going to stay much longer. Per my usual standard, if a woman doesn’t want to have sex with me because she’s not feeling well or has some kind of medical issue, that’s perfectly acceptable. But if she doesn’t want to have sex with me because she’s mad at me or because she’s having sex with some other man, I see no reason to sit there with blue balls for hours on end. I don’t do unhappiness, or friend zone. More importantly, I’m on a Mission and I have better things to do.

So I left. She was upset, and started hurling a few insults at me as I turned to leave. Uh oh! She was fine up until that point, but now…soft next initiated! I smiled and said, “I don’t do drama. Have a nice night,” and left. I decided on a three day soft next, since this was not the first time she got a little bitchy with me.

She sent me several texts on the way home which I ignored. The next day I heard nothing, but the day after she sent me a few friendly texts, which again I ignored. Soon she started calling me childish and immature for not responding to her. I simply smiled, knowing that the soft next was working and her attraction for me was building. (Men have trouble understanding the concept that a woman’s anger and attraction often build for a man at the same time.) Again, I ignored her texts.

After three days were over, I sent her a text out of the blue. She waited several hours to respond, and responded politely but coldly. I told her we should meet up at her house this weekend, and she agreed, though coldly.

That Saturday night, as soon as I walked into her house and talked to her for about ten minutes, she started ripping my pants off with no prompting from me, and gave me one of the best blowjobs of my life. She couldn’t tear her clothes off fast enough, and we had off-and-on sex for three hours. From that day forward, she was always nice to me, I never had to soft next her ever again, and she never resisted sex ever again. Quite the opposite; she was insatiable.

Soft nexts work.

Let me repeat: this was a very intelligent, high income, college educated woman in her 30s, lest you think that soft nexts only work on young women or dumb women. No, they work on all women, of all ages, including women in their 30s or 40s. Older women play this stuff a little more cool than the younger ones, but it still works. Assuming you’re doing everything else right in the relationship, no woman, of any age, can resist the power of a properly executed soft next.

Example 3

Years ago I was dating an MLTR in her 20s. She was extremely intelligent, Ivy League college educated, and multilingual. She was at my house one evening and she did not have have a car. We had been seeing each other for quite a while with no problems. My nonmonogamous EFA was very strong and we never discussed anything like exclusivity. While in my bathroom, she rummaged through my trash can and found a used pregnancy test. I know she rummaged through the trash, because I had made sure other trash had covered the test when I threw the test away.

She walked into the living room where I was relaxing. With a horrified look on her face, she said, “I don’t mean to be a snoop, but I found a used pregnancy test in your bathroom.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding, and continued to drink my water.

She had a fucking meltdown. She started screaming, ranting, and insulting. Soft next initiated! I shrugged and calmly told her I didn’t do drama. She fumed, grabbed her cell phone, went out into my back yard, called up one of her friend zone guys, and started screaming and crying at him about how horrible I was (though I couldn’t catch most of the conversation; I was too busy working on a business proposal). Again I will repeat that I never acted like a boyfriend in any way and we had never discussed exclusivity or monogamy in any fashion, so I knew she was just being irrational.

Eventually she came back in, red-faced, and continued to throw drama at me. I used my standard soft nexting line, “Would you like me to take you home?”

She thought about it for a few seconds and said yes. I said, “Great!” got up, threw my coat on, and walked out to the car without another word. She silently and angrily followed.

In the car, I turned on a top 40 music station to reduce the odds of her saying anything on the way home. With a soft next, it’s very important to keep your mouth shut once the next is initiated, or else you’ll just make things worse. Thankfully, she was quiet during the ride.

Halfway there, she called her friend zone beta male and arranged to meet him at a restaurant. She then asked me to drop her off there instead of her home, which I did with a happy smile.

Once there, I dropped her off, and her friend zone bought her dinner while he listened to her complain about me for several hours. (This is one of a friend zone’s many jobs, listen to women they want to have sex with complain about the men they’re actually having sex with.) Since we hadn’t had sex yet that evening, on my way back home I texted a different woman, an FB, and had sex with her instead.

Since the drama was particularly egregious, I decided her soft next needed to last six days. Normally it would have been longer since I don’t tolerate these kinds of outbursts, but this was her first offence, so I didn’t want to go too crazy. I knew that if she ever pulled this shit again, the next soft next would be two weeks, if not longer.

She didn’t contact me for about three or four days. When she finally did, I ignored the texts. She got the point quickly and stopped texting, but resumed two days later. A day or two after that, I texted her out of the blue like nothing happened. She was so excited she could barely contain herself. We met up that evening, had a wonderful time, had great sex, and she spent the night. She went on to be one of the longest, happiest, and most important MLTRs of my entire life. To this day, many years later, she remains a good friend.

Soft nexts work.

83 Comments on “Several Real Life Examples of Soft Nexts

  1. What can I say BD? 🙂 I take no credit for my successful soft nexts but thank you for this blog which I found a couple of years ago. By following your advice to the letter, dealing with people like this in a drama free way is easily achieved. It just takes some balls to do it the first time. Once it works, the process is seamless.

    Many thanks for your work.

    Boys, read this and USE it, quietly and calmly. It works like a charm.

  2. I want that power.

    and that Happiness.

    and that calm.

    and that sex.

     

    can soft next can be used in family realm or financial realm, or even with guys?

  3. Fifth paragraph:  complaint –> compliant ?

    From the little I know so far, the ability to master soft nexting seems like one of the major defining factors of whether a man has reached Alpha 2 status (at least in terms of relationships with women), yes?

     

    As I’ve said many times, the only reason a woman should be in your life is if she makes you happier than if she wasn’t there. If this is not true, then she should not be there. The world would be a far happier place if men (and women!) followed this very simple standard.

    Beautifully said.

  4. Really great post and solid examples.

    can soft next can be used in family realm or financial realm, or even with guys?

    Outcome independence and abundance mentality are pretty important in many area’s of business. I’ve never tried soft nexting an irate client though, lol.

    I don’t think I would, if they’re angry it’s either because we’ve done something wrong and need to fix it, which we will, or they’re being irrational in which case if they can’t be reasoned with I’ll tell them they’re welcome to go and do business with someone else. I suppose that’s more of a hard next.

    Clients tend to be more rational and less emotional than women in relationships that create drama for drama’s sake anyway, which is what soft nexts are designed to deal with, irrational drama. Although we’re B2B, I can imagine if you’re B2C and your clients are the general public you’d potentially get more drama.

    Never tried soft nexting a friend or family member either.

  5. Not sure I’m terribly impressed with the quality of women you’re dating…

    Personally, if I had a girl who was posting insults about me all over social media, I would get the fuck away from her as fast as possible! Especially today, with all the false rape allegations.

    Also, girl #3 sounds like a total cunt; the way she treats her friendzoned orbiter is downright abusive. (I get that it’s as much his fault as it is hers, but the idea of a girl who abuses shy, insecure boys like that sort of turns me off).

    Girl #2 sounded OK… if you can get past the fact that she tactically uses sex as a weapon. Definitely not wife/mother material! Interesting case study in how many women never really mature as they get older – they’re still basically the same at 35 as they are at 18.

  6. James,

    If you’re able to be that selective, you must have an unusually high quality of women in your area, on average. Let me know where that is, because I may move there for a bit before emigrating from the US.

  7. James:

    Not only selective, but Disney selective.

    Most women are abusive even if they don’t realize it.

    Most, if not all use the orbiter as a punching bag for their “problems”. It is the orbiter’s fault that takes it with blue balls. It is also the orbiter’s fault who eventually takes your wife(even if the naive guy suffers all the consequences). So he is not that saint after all.

    Also all women use sex tactically as a weapon eventually. No exception. Please let us know when you find the woman who will give you sex whenever you want for all eternity.

    Also imagine the woman throwing insults at you on Facebook, then few days later returning to you. The shame is on her. Not only she will look like a slut, it is also HER fault not yours. Then she won’t have the face to do anything to you again, because she knows nothing affects you and whatever she does, it will turn against her. All people make mistakes. The problem and the hard next comes when it is a repeated bahavior.

     

  8. Damn, a lot of questions. Here we go:

    What is the difference between a soft next and a “silent treatment,” ?

    The soft next is the strategic removal of attention that increases attraction via your absence and the (irrational) fear of you not returning.

    The silent treatment is a form of extremely childish drama where you try to ignore a person standing right in front of you while not ignoring other people in the room. The other person:

    1. Sees how immature and silly you’re being.

    2. Clearly sees that you’re still right there in her life, aren’t leaving, and thus she still has you by the balls.

    3. Feels the indirect attention from you by you not talking to her but still talking to other people in the vicinity.

    The silent treatment is the opposite of a soft next. The silent treatment is drama and attention, albeit indirect attention. She knows she’s getting to you. She knows she still has that power over you. When you soft next, you have the power. All of it.

    can soft next can be used in family realm or financial realm, or even with guys?

    Soft nexts cannot be used with people who give you money. (Though hard nexts can.)

    Soft nexts can be used on friends and family though, though the process and dynamic is different, and they’re not nearly as effective.

    Fifth paragraph:  complaint –> compliant ?

    Fixed. Thank you.

    From the little I know so far, the ability to master soft nexting seems like one of the major defining factors of whether a man has reached Alpha 2 status (at least in terms of relationships with women), yes?

    I’ve never thought of it that way, but yeah, I suppose so. Interesting point.

    Not sure I’m terribly impressed with the quality of women you’re dating…

    I’m not dating these women. They were years ago. Please slowly re-read the article since there are entire paragraphs you seem to have missed. I also recommend a remedial reading comprehension course.

    In addition, these were three women out of scores I’ve had FB or MLTR relationships with. This article is about how to deal with certain problems when they arise, therefore I’m not going to showcase women who were never a problem.

    Personally, if I had a girl who was posting insults about me all over social media, I would get the fuck away from her as fast as possible!

    Because you care about what strangers over social media think about you and I do not.

    Especially today, with all the false rape allegations.

    False rape allegations are not a part of my world and not a risk I face. Please read this.

    Also, girl #3 sounds like a total cunt; the way she treats her friendzoned orbiter is downright abusive

    The vast majority of women treat friendzoned orbiters like this. It’s standard female behavior that most men cheerfully go along with. Get used to it.

    (I get that it’s as much his fault as it is hers, but the idea of a girl who abuses shy, insecure boys like that sort of turns me off).

    The man in question was neither insecure nor shy. He was a beta, like most men. He knew exactly what he was doing and chose to do it anyway.

    If all men flat out refused to engage in friend zone with women, women would stop friend zoning men. As always, it’s up to men to step up. If they don’t, I have zero sympathy.

    Girl #2 sounded OK… if you can get past the fact that she tactically uses sex as a weapon.

    What hey hey said. Almost women do this, at least eventually.

    You’re really setting yourself up for lifetime frustration, being upset at all these typical feminine qualities women have.

    Definitely not wife/mother material!

    I wasn’t interested in for wife or mother material. I was interested in hot babes to have sex with whenever I wanted with minimal time, drama and financial expense.

    Screening for the mother of your children has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m talking about today. You’re acting very weird.

  9. All people make mistakes. The problem and the hard next comes when it is a repeated behavior

    I dunno man, I’ve been hard nexting quite a bit of people in my life the last two or so years. One shred of drama towards me (or even complaining about other stuff around me to where it gets overwhelming) and that person is getting hard nexted. To me, everyone has two strikes on them nowadays. Fortunately, most of the people in my life who were on my team all along already know this.

    In all three of these cases, I would have hard nexted or even placed in friend zone and moved on (there are more than a few chicks in my life where I use them like chicks use their orbiters, although its not nearly as one-sided). But that’s just me. My tolerance level for drama just gets less and less with each passing year.

  10. I know you say that Alpha male 1.0’s aren’t any “worse” than Alpha Male 2.0‘s, but I’ve never seen you point out any advantages or “pros” an Alpha Male 1.0 has over an Alpha Male 2.0. Like, they aren’t competition for AM 2.0’s, they don’t put up with nearly as much drama, and they get permanently left by women, whereas AM 2.0’s have women returning to them after a time (relationship with a beta). So, I’m just confused then as to why anyone would want to be an AM 1.0 wrt women….

  11. Well Joelsuf it’s all about what you want. Or maybe it is your behavior that brings the drama. Maybe you try to boss them around or tell them what to do. Complaining about other stuff and not directed at you is a trait of women so it is very difficult to avoid this. You need to up your tolerance level towards this or else you will be in a sarging mode regularly.

    For me its like this: If I enjoy the sex with a certain woman, I will only hard next her only if it is a repeated behavior(after soft nexting her) or if she throws massive drama. Both scenarios are highly unlikely because they see I don’t give a fuck when they try to throw demands. Never nexted a woman of this kind(though they LNSFTEd me, one returned via her friend couple of months later telling me to visit her. I downgraded to FB and we continue as such).

    If I don’t enjoy the sex with a certain woman(i.e she is too much trouble in bed and nothing pleases her) I will hard next her from the first excuse of drama. Done that once and I pity the poor bastard that will marry her.

  12. I know you say that Alpha male 1.0’s aren’t any “worse” than Alpha Male 2.0’s, but I’ve never seen you point out any advantages or “pros” an Alpha Male 1.0 has over an Alpha Male 2.0. Like, they aren’t competition for AM 2.0’s, they don’t put up with nearly as much drama, and they get permanently left by women, whereas AM 2.0’s have women returning to them after a time (relationship with a beta). So, I’m just confused then as to why anyone would want to be an AM 1.0 wrt women…

    Advantages to being an Alpha Male 1.0 over a 2.0:

    1. Societal acceptance. Your friends, co-workers, family, and parents will all nod their heads in approval at your lifestyle choices. This does not happen when you’re a 2.0.

    2. Sexual control. Your girlfriend / wife won’t ever fuck other men. Unless the relationship/marriage is very long and she ends up cheating behind your back, but many Alpha 1.0s avoid this by dumping their girlfriend/wife every few years and upgrading to a newer model.

    3. Control. You can boss your woman around regarding all kinds of things, and she’ll obey, especially if she’s a Submissive. Can’t do that if you’re a 2.0. (You’ll get some resistance and drama if you boss her around of course, but as a 1.0 you probably won’t mind.)

    4. Religious acceptance. If you’re religious, and many 1.0s are, your lifestyle is 100% compatible with your chosen religion. The Alpha 2.0 lifestyle doesn’t align with any major religion. Apparently god loves Alpha Male 1.0s, even when they cheat on their wives.

    Now if your answer is “none of those things are advantages to me,” then you shouldn’t be a 1.0. You should be a 2.0 like me, since none of those above things are important to me either. Happiness and freedom are far more important to me.

    The point is those four things are advantages to many men out there, regardless of if they aren’t to you or me.

  13. One of the things I’ve noticed you must do to perform a correct soft next is to clearly state what you’re going to do with as minimum words as necessary. From BDs example:

    “I don’t do drama, have a nice night” or ” Would you like to go home?” are just brilliant, because they say in women’s language: “I’m retreating my attention until you calm down”. Backed up by actions (no contact for X period of time) is just a nuke to a woman’s bitchiness.

    Nice post!

  14. BD,

    Quick question here!

    How do you decide on the number of days to soft next a chick? And, more importantly, are there cases where you extend that duration? (i.e. you decide 3 days for a girl, but then you don’t hear from her at ALL for three days… do you decide to move it to 5 days to be sure she’s gone through the full cycle of internalizing your removal of attention from her?)

    Thanks!

  15. How do you decide on the number of days to soft next a chick?

    I have no specific formula, but it’s based on:

    1. How bad the drama was. The worse the drama, the longer the next.

    2. How many times she’s given me drama in the past. The more times she’s given me drama in the past, the longer the next, often much longer. Repeated infractions earn a hard next. Everyone has a bad day occasionally, but I have absolute zero tolerance for repeated drama.

    3. The severity of the drama she’s given me in the past, if any. The more severe the past drama, the longer the next.

    4. If she’s a FB, MLTR, or OLTR. FBs get the longest nexts, MLTRs the next longest, OLTRs the shortest. However, with OLTRs or high-end MLTRs I will pay very close attention to how she handles the next, and may downgrade her if she doesn’t handle it well. (With FBs or low-end MLTRs, I don’t give a shit how she handles the next.)

    5. How long she’s been in my life. I will be lighter on next duration both for brand new and women I’ve known a very long time. You have to take it easy on new women, and very long-term women have earned the right to receive shorter nexts in my opinion.

    And, more importantly, are there cases where you extend that duration? (i.e. you decide 3 days for a girl, but then you don’t hear from her at ALL for three days… do you decide to move it to 5 days to be sure she’s gone through the full cycle of internalizing your removal of attention from her?)

    Yes, given that scenario I will do this, but it’s rare I need to. Your point is valid; she needs to know a soft next is going on.

  16. “The silent treatment is the opposite of a soft next. The silent treatment is drama and attention, albeit indirect attention”

    In theory. In practice, I’ve found they don’t like it one damn bit, and they can turn real sweet real fast when they sense it happening again. No doubt your frame plays very heavily into how well it works. Sometimes you just don’t feel like hearing somebody’s voice for a while, and a girl who is invested in you doesn’t like it when she realizes you feel that way about her.

    Someone trying to sell you crap could easily characterize the soft next in very similar terms to how you describe “silent treatment”, and I’m sure you’ve gotten plenty of girl mail that did. But they’re not describing anything remotely like your actual experience or the results you get, so it’s not very persuasive.

    I assume it won’t work if they’ve checked out already, but if you’re in that situation, you just need to be gone immediately, that’s all. And figure out why you stayed so long.

  17. In theory.

    No, in practice. Millions of men have tried the silent treatment, so we know a lot about about its lack of effectiveness.

    In practice, I’ve found they don’t like it one damn bit,

    It isn’t relevant if they like it or not. It’s only relevant if reliably, repeatedly, and with zero drama and minimal work turns an angry bitch into a sweetheart.

    they can turn real sweet real fast when they sense it happening again.

    Can it work? Sure, anything is possible. Will it work every time? Nope. Even if it does work, it’s only likely to work in relatively new relationships (less than 6-12 months old) or with very submissive, needy women. And even then, what you’re doing is still drama and a little silly. I can’t even imagine being in a room with a woman I’m in a relationship with, while talking to me right in front of me, while I’m completely ignoring her and pretending she isn’t there. Lame. What am I? In high school?

    Someone trying to sell you crap could easily characterize the soft next in very similar terms to how you describe “silent treatment”, and I’m sure you’ve gotten plenty of girl mail that did.

    Nope. Never. I’ve had one or two women call it childish while they were getting upset and irrational because I wasn’t responding to texts, but that’s it.

    No one can call soft nexting drama (because not only are you not communicating with her, but you’re not even there) nor call it ineffective, because it’s extremely effective every time you use it.

  18. I’ve used soft nexts in the past and they definitely work.

    However, I have a question. What is the best approach to take if the woman that you are soft nexting arrives at your doorstep while you are home? This is obviously during the no-communication period.

  19. That is the best approach to take if the woman that you are soft nexting arrives at your doorstep while you are home? This is obviously during the no-communication period.

    That’s worthy of a hard next. I’m serious. Any woman showing up to your house unannounced is not only unacceptable and a horrible violation of your privacy, but it’s also creepy and borders on stalker shit. Just imagine if you showed up to a woman’s house unannounced like that. How would she react? (Some women would call the cops!)

    I’ve never had a woman do that, but I’m pretty sure if that ever happened I would hard next her on the spot, because that would be one creepy, unstable woman that I would not want in my life.

  20. Do the girls ever call you out for the soft nexting and if so how do you respond?

    You don’t respond to anything a woman says during a soft next, regardless of what she says.

    After the next, no, they don’t really bring it up. I’ve had a one or two women refer to “that thing you do where you don’t talk to me for a week,” in casual conversation, but that’s about it.

  21. BD how do you handle a drama on a vacation with women?

    lets say u are out of town for a several days.

  22. I’ve never had a soft next work.

    But…I also only text with the women in my life to schedule them coming over. I’ll typically go 1-2 weeks without talking to some chick, she never messages me, I never message her, until one of us gets horny and wants to fuck. A soft next in that situation is just called “breaking up”, or at least I’ve never had one start responding to a message again after. I realize I’m using never here, but it has not once led to anything other than the end of a relationship. Not in the drama way, but in the “she never responds to a text again” way.

    I also rarely get drama. Once or twice every three or four years.

  23. oh… advanced question:

    how do u make a family life with a woman (oltr?) and have children and initiate soft next? how does it work?

  24. Soft Nexts work, and that too very effectively in fixing the women’s behaviour all by itself.

    My question is when do Soft-Nexts work?

    The way I look at it is,you got to be in a relationship with the woman for some time before you execute this technique.Also,the woman has to have certain amount of attraction towards you to pull woman back into you.
    So,if there is zero attraction from the woman,she is just going to be away from you.

    Did I go wrong anywhere,BD?

  25.  Definitely not wife/mother material

    James, no one is wife material. The government has no business in your sex life. You should know that.

  26. 4. Religious acceptance. If you’re religious, and many 1.0s are, your lifestyle is 100% compatible with your chosen religion. The Alpha 2.0 lifestyle doesn’t align with any major religion. Apparently god loves Alpha Male 1.0s, even when they cheat on their wives.

    Great point BD!

    If you’re an alpha 1.0, you may convert to any religion you want, and it will be 100 percent compatible with your alphaness.

    But an alpha 2.0 can’t be religious. He doesn’t have to be an atheist like me. He may be spiritual, or maybe even believe in a personal god who acts like an assistant, waiter, or spare tire for humanity, but he cannot submit to any organized religion where he’d be required to obey rules (especially sex rules) that he did not make for himself. Alpha 2.0s are free and don’t prostrate themselves before prudish gods, holy books, or a sky daddy’s dos and don’ts! That’s beta, or at least alpha 1.0.

    That’s why I laugh every time someone comes here and says he’s a 2.0, or an aspiring 2.0, while saying he’s a member of an organized religion at the same time, like that one Muslim dude did a few months ago.

  27. I’ve never had a soft next work.
    But…I also only text with the women in my life to schedule them coming over. I’ll typically go 1-2 weeks without talking to some chick, she never messages me, I never message her, until one of us gets horny and wants to fuck. A soft next in that situation is just called “breaking up”, or at least I’ve never had one start responding to a message again after. I realize I’m using never here, but it has not once led to anything other than the end of a relationship. Not in the drama way, but in the “she never responds to a text again” way.
    I also rarely get drama. Once or twice every three or four years.

    That’s because these sound like purely physical FB relationships with what appears to be no emotional element whatsoever. She’s fucking you because she thinks you’re physically attractive, good in bed, and alpha and you’re fucking her for similar reasons.
    When there is no emotional element there will be very little drama, but you’re also easily replaceable because there was no real connection beyond the physical, she just moves on to the next guy without blinking. So no, soft nexts won’t work in these cases.

    If you want these women to be more attached and not able to skip to some other guy quite as easily, introduce an emotional element to the relationship, build a connection beyond sex. It means more contact with them and more drama, but it also means you’ll have a girl who will stay around for longer and come back to you after she’s broken it off for another guy and then things go sour with him.

    how do u make a family life with a woman (oltr?) and have children and initiate soft next?

    If you’re living with a woman you’ve been in a relationship with her for several years by that point or at the very least a couple of years. So you’ve either already soft nexted her before and she’s better behaved by now, or never needed to, so at this point you know you’re going to experience less drama than the average guy who just shacks up with any girl that will have him and promises her monogamy.

    You will get drama, and living with a woman you’re obviously going to have more female drama in your life that you’re going to have to deal with than if you were living alone, but true soft nexting them isn’t really an option. The best thing you can do is try to calmly and rationally discuss the problem with them. If that fails tell them you’re not discussing this when she’s being like that, leave the room or if you’re out in public tell her you’re not discussing it in public and take her home.

    Then just remain a little cold and don’t give her the level of attention you normally would, but remain respectful and keep conversations to the logistical things in your life that you need to communicate on to keep the household running. Keep this up until she’s calmed down and is willing to discuss things calmly like adults, even if it takes days.

    It won’t effect your sex life much because you can go and have sex with one of your side women because it’s an OLTR.

    The way I look at it is,you got to be in a relationship with the woman for some time before you execute this technique.Also,the woman has to have certain amount of attraction towards you to pull woman back into you.

    Yes, soft nexts are a relationship technique. If you’re getting drama from a girl you’ve just started seeing she’s either nuts (hard next) or you’re doing something very wrong.

    As for in a relationship, the woman should always have enough attraction for you for the soft next to work effectively, if it doesn’t work and she no longer wants anything to do with you after soft nexting then the relationship was already over anyway because she’d already lost all attraction and she’s essentially nexted you.

    That’s my advice on these matters based on my experience.

  28. You might be right. I don’t have any reason to contact them beyond sex in the first place, but when they come over its generally a multi-hour affair where they stay the night and we talk about crap. Maybe I need to start going out and doing something with the chicks instead of just fucking…

  29. BD how do you handle a drama on a vacation with women?

    lets say u are out of town for a several days.

    Do the best you can, then as soon as you get back home, soft next her ass for several weeks, and never take her travelling with you ever again.

    A woman giving me drama when we go travelling when she knows I can’t soft next her is a very serious offense. I am never travelling with such a woman ever again. (Yes, I have done this.)

    how do u make a family life with a woman (oltr?) and have children and initiate soft next? how does it work?

    You cannot soft next a woman when you live with her full time, unless you maintain two residences. There are other drama management techniques you can employ, but the best one, the soft next, is no longer available to you. (And no, you pouting and sleeping at a hotel for a night or two is not a soft next. That’s a pussy beta move.)

    This is part of the price you pay for co-habiting with someone. Only move in with someone if you are very, very, very sure and have done your due diligence.

    And as Wolf said, hopefully by that point you’ve built the OLTR relationship correctly (and very slowly) to know that her drama with you will be minimal. Regardless, as I’ve said many times, drama increases at least a little when you move in with a woman, so you need to be prepared for this, stay very strong, manage it correctly, and of course, hard next her (kick her out permanently) if her drama becomes a pattern of behavior instead of a rare event (assuming you aren’t being an asshole to her of course).

    The way I look at it is,you got to be in a relationship with the woman for some time before you execute this technique.Also,the woman has to have certain amount of attraction towards you to pull woman back into you.

    So,if there is zero attraction from the woman,she is just going to be away from you.

    Yes but that goes without saying. An ongoing FB or MLTR will have attraction for you, or else they wouldn’t be fucking you.

    So BD, what was the story with that pregnancy test?

    I have a secret Mexican love child. Like Arnold. Now shhhhhhh!

    A FB who was sexually inexperienced and had irregular periods was worried that she was “late,” so per my usual system, I always have pregnancy test kits in my bathroom, so I pulled her into my bathroom and I tested her right then and there to get to the bottom of things. Of course she wasn’t pregnant, because I’m not stupid.

    But an alpha 2.0 can’t be religious.

    Yes he can, as long as he doesn’t take his religion too seriously.

    That’s why I laugh every time someone comes here and says he’s a 2.0, or an aspiring 2.0, while saying he’s a member of an organized religion at the same time, like that one Muslim dude did a few months ago.

    Like I said, a 2.0 can be religious, but he can’t take the more irrational tenets of his religion too seriously. Or else, yeah, he’s not a 2.0.

  30. This chick has been acting weird lately, she will carry conversations through text but she has been ignoring me when i ask her out acting rather distant. I’m pretty sure she’s irritated with me but she is very low drama and I never have a clue with her. I asked her to go out Saturday and she completely and obviously ignored the question acting all choppy. We also have plans to go to a concert in two weeks and she is also bluntly ignoring my bringing it up. She has the Tickets.. they were a gift from me for christmas. My instincts tell me to go for a 2 week soft next right through to the weekend of the concert. But i’m not comfortable bringing it up again. I also dont want to call her after we miss the concert if we do, and act like there was no concert. She’s 38 btw. Ive been seeing her for 4 years very off and on. She has never acted like this. I think its because she wants an engagement ring which I aint givin her. Help me out here coach. Much appreciated.

  31. When I first discovered BD’s blog soft nexting was one of the techniques I wanted to try out. Foolishly I tried it out on women that were only prospects (i.e. women I hadn’t actually had sex with). It just came across as the ‘silent treatment’ and made me look very immature. I lost at least 2 easy lays including some Type 2 VYW‘s. Was very angry at myself.

    Nowadays I do it correctly. I had to execute a soft next recently with a much younger FB, the next time I saw her she was like a different person, sweet, non-bitchy etc. She even said ‘isn’t my behaviour much better tonight’ or words to that effect.

  32. How did you discover this soft nexting thing?  it sounds brilliant and I’m curious how you stumbled upon it.

  33. This chick has been acting weird lately…

    She’s likely fucking someone else.

    Send her a text saying, “Hey, I need to know if you still want to go to the concert, because if you’d rather not I’m taking someone else. Just let me know. Thanks!”

    She’ll react to this one of several ways:

    1. She’ll give you drama. Next her ass and don’t go to concert with her.

    2. She’ll ignore you. Next her ass and don’t go to the concert with her.

    3. She’ll respond but not give you a solid answer. Ask her one more time, directly. If she still doesn’t give you an answer, next her ass and don’t go to the concert with her.

    4. She’ll be very nice and apologetic and tell you that she still wants to go with you. Go to the concert with her. Don’t see her until the concert, but follow up with her once every few days from now until then to maintain a link so she doesn’t flake.  If she gives you any shit or weirdness between now and then, next her ass and don’t go to the concert with her.

    And I hope you have a 2nd or 3rd woman in your life you can take to the concert if this one flakes or turns into a bitch. If you don’t, your fault.

  34. How did you discover this soft nexting thing?  it sounds brilliant and I’m curious how you stumbled upon it.

    It’s an old PUA technique that was around years before me. I did not invent it, but I refined it.

  35. Hey BD, quick question. What if right after you say “I don’t do drama” or something similar and get up to leave she realizes she seriously fucked up and immediately apologizes and asks you to stay?

    My experience is that this is not very likely, but still, it could happen.

    My instinct would to soft next her anyway, so that she sees she can’t test my boundaries like this and get away with it. Any thoughts?

  36. Hey BD, quick question. What if right after you say “I don’t do drama” or something similar and get up to leave she realizes she seriously fucked up and immediately apologizes and asks you to stay?

    You shouldn’t even have to ask that question. Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. There’s no turning back.

    Of course women will sometimes promise to stop. They’re lying. When you turn around and return, as soon as you’re both comfortable again, she’ll start up with the crap again. When a woman is upset about something, she doesn’t suddenly stop being upset just because she wants to you stay. That’s not how females work.

  37. The art of the Soft Next. This made me realize that when I do them it doesn’t have such a strong effect because It usually doesn’t last a long time. 3 days was the longest I soft nexted a girl. Next time I’ll definitely take more of your approach.

    Great informative read

  38. So question I have is how do you respond when women are bitching about other guys?

    I always considered this drama, but I realize it’s probably because I have no idea how to respond in a way other than trying to be logical and help her solve the problem (which I can’t think of any examples where my advice was taken) or just ignore it… but generally I’d just prefer not be around bitching of any kind if someone isn’t willing to solve the problem.

    So how do you respond? What are your thoughts on this?

  39. I’m a little confused. Is the last woman you mentioned still an MLTR of yours, AND a good friend? Or have you guys continued having sex but are also good friends?

     

  40. So question I have is how do you respond when women are bitching about other guys?

    I always considered this drama, but I realize it’s probably because I have no idea how to respond in a way other than trying to be logical and help her solve the problem (which I can’t think of any examples where my advice was taken)

    “Treat her words like the inane babble of a small child” (Tubarao)

    Others call this tactic “amused mastery”. Just don’t take seriously what she herself doesn’t take seriously. So many things make no sense, and she knows they don’t, but she still spews them out and demands some kind of an answer.

  41. I’m going to have to make a follow-up post to deal with all of these questions. They’re questions men have asked before.

    how do you respond when women are bitching about other guys?

    I don’t consider that drama, so she’s more than welcome to bitch about other men all she likes. Women like bitching about men, so if you hate it when women do that, you’re in for an unhappy life.

    Can you write about how to give women orgasms?

    Ok.

    How do you work her birthday around the soft next?

    You don’t. Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. It doesn’t matter if you have her birthday or Christmas or whatever the hell else going on, during the nexting period you don’t contact her or respond to her in any way, no exceptions.

    Is the last woman you mentioned still an MLTR of yours, AND a good friend? Or have you guys continued having sex but are also good friends?

    She’s long distance now so we don’t hang out or have sex any more. We still communicate sporadically.

  42. BD, what do you do if the nextable offense occurs over text?

    I soft next her ass.

    Drama is drama. The medium a woman uses to shoot the drama at me isn’t relevant.

  43. You cannot soft next a woman when you live with her full time, unless you maintain two residences.

    So are you advocating that the soft next is indeed possible with two residences and the same rules would apply? It seems to me this might be possible if kids aren’t involved, where with kids you would have to communicate things like picking them up from school or other similar activities.

     

  44. So are you advocating that the soft next is indeed possible with two residences and the same rules would apply? It seems to me this might be possible if kids aren’t involved, where with kids you would have to communicate things like picking them up from school or other similar activities.

    Yes. I discuss it in my ebooks. Under a Dual Live-In OLTR or a Virtual Live-In OLTR, you can indeed soft next her. It requires a lot of creativity, a lot of pre-planning logistics, and some extra financial expense, but it can be done. Most men co-habiting with a woman won’t take the trouble or the time to do all of this though.

    And yes, if you have small children, it makes the soft next even less feasible. Again, that’s the price you pay for wanting to have kids…

  45. Soft-nexting is such a wonderful relationship technique! Thanks to your post on mASF I did it sometimes and always feel amazed about the result haha.

    I mainly do social game at the moment though. What’s the best way to do if a gathering (parties/classes/important events…) comes in the time of soft-nexting and she is invited? It’s ridiculous to not go just because of her. It sounds like silent treatment and looks immature if you come and ignore her. Maybe you make an exception and cut the soft next short so you both are ok when atteding the event?

  46. What’s the best way to do if a gathering (parties/classes/important events…) comes in the time of soft-nexting and she is invited?

    Read item 14 here.

  47. “Treat her words like the inane babble of a small child” (Tubarao)
    Others call this tactic “amused mastery”. Just don’t take seriously what she herself doesn’t take seriously. So many things make no sense, and she knows they don’t, but she still spews them out and demands some kind of an answer.

    Thank you! This is the type of advice I was looking for. I learned how to do this with a good friend who talked incessantly about random stuff and retold the same stories 20 times as if it were the first time they ever told it. Was annoying as fuck until I just “nodded and smiled” and let them ramble on.

    Ended up realizing they didn’t care that I wasn’t actually listening, they just liked having someone to “talk at” I suppose.
    Didn’t think to apply that to people bitching about something. Much appreciated!

  48. I’m having trouble with prescribing soft next vs LSNFTE

    I have been following you for years from masf, have read almost all of your ebooks, and agree with everything you say in principle.  However, I still have trouble in the grey areas because of being too logical and having stupidly low dissembling skillset and/or memory to apply the principles in real time.

    Specific questions:

    1)     Is it possible to let a soft next go too long?  I’m wondering if I initially fucked up by nexting a girl for too long the first time (2 weeks). 

    2)     How can you be sure it is a LSNFTE if she didn’t actually verbalize it?   When she asks for no contact do you automatically go 4 months?  Maybe I should have just tried a week long soft after that?

    Story/FR:  Met on vacation.  Banged second night after spending about 5 hours time together in total.  Hung out 5 days and had sex 5 times despite logistics of us each being single travelling with kids etc..  We had intense connection although I stayed in lover vibe by staying mysterious, being cocky and funny, showing complicated life and demonstrating being broke.  However, there was a lot of comfort mixed in by showing skill in understanding relationships, people issues, and life skills.  No boyfriend behaviour during day because of discretion around kids but at night occasional walks holding hands and making out on the beach.

    When we got back (we live in the same city) she sent me an email saying she hoped we could continue, so we met up, had sex, and stayed over a couple of times after that.  Then I goofed and let it slip that I had an open relationship i.e. Phase 2 was cut short (5 or 6 weeks) because she caught me unawares and I fucked it up and verbalized over the phone and then said we would meet to talk about it.  She later texted that she didn’t want to see me so I soft nexted.  She contacted me again after a couple of days and wanted to talk so I went to her place.

    She started out great, kissing, cuddling and trying to win me over but soon went ballistic since she says she assumed exclusivity from the first bang (naïve?).  She’s a sweet girl (submissive) but was under a lot of stress in several areas of her life, likely has abandonment issues, and was definitely hugely attracted so although I could understand her behaviour I didn’t feel like I deserved that level and made sure not to react.  Let her cry it out and banged again that night and everything was much better in the morning.

    As I left we reconfirmed previous plans to help her later that week.  Showed up at her place but she didn’t need help and we went out to eat.  Everything started out great, very loving etc but then she wanted to “talk about it” and her quiet drama in public included crying, name-calling, trying to get me to feel guilty, shaming me, begging me for exclusivity, and wouldn’t let me leave as I was trapped in a corner and didn’t want to physically push past her.  I understood her drama was due to her neediness/insecurity so I remained unreactive other than she saw tears in my eyes (from seeing her pain as I am too sensitive to other people’s feelings for my own good).  She said she was afraid if she didn’t agree to non-monogamy that she wouldn’t ever see me again and was afraid to lose me like that.  I continued to let her vent but didn’t add any negative energy by arguing or justifying etc.  I then drove her home, said good night, and she denied my quick kiss goodbye.  

    Initiated soft next and ignored texts and email that night.  Kept soft next for 2 weeks (no initiation from her after first day).  Was this length a mistake?  The length was partially because I was really trying to keep my NRE oneitis under control since she is a personal 9.  So after 2 weeks I texted with STD test results she was worried about, questions how she was, and saying I had been worried about her etc.  She answered all my questions, said she missed me, but didn’t ask anything about me or really leave any hook to continue the conversation so I didn’t reply as I felt like she was fishing for an apology or me to chase.  I’m pretty sure now that I should have just continued to chat but make sure to stay out of her frame, but I didn’t realize this during the emotions of the time.

     
    A couple of days later I got a text from her older relative telling me to never contact her again.  So, I figured this was a LSNFTE and 3 to 4 month no contact.  In retrospect I think that I fell into her frame again and this should have just been another soft next of a week or so.  I do plan to contact this one again to meet up after a 4 month next but not even sure she will reply at this point since she is over 33.  I would appreciate some feedback so I can learn for the future.

  49. 1)     Is it possible to let a soft next go too long?  I’m wondering if I initially fucked up by nexting a girl for too long the first time (2 weeks).

    No. It’s possible to have a soft next be too short though. 2 weeks is great.

    2)     How can you be sure it is a LSNFTE if she didn’t actually verbalize it?

    You can’t be 100% sure. Doesn’t matter. You go radio silent anyway.

    When she asks for no contact do you automatically go 4 months?

    4-6 months or longer, yes. I consider 4 months a bare minimum.

    she wanted to “talk about it” and her quiet drama in public included crying, name-calling, trying to get me to feel guilty, shaming me, begging me for exclusivity, and wouldn’t let me leave as I was trapped in a corner and didn’t want to physically push past her.

    All your fault. You should have instantly soft nexted her as soon as she started in with her bullshit. (20 second rule.) The only reason it escalated so far is because you let it. You sat there like a pussy and took it instead of acting like a man and insta-nexting right then and there.

    wouldn’t let me leave as I was trapped in a corner and didn’t want to physically push past her.

    Bullshit. Excuses. You were a pussy.

    Do you think I would let a woman physically “trap me in a corner” while giving me drama? Even if she was a personal 9 or 10 I was in love with?

    she denied my quick kiss goodbye.

    So not only did you not next her immediately, but you gave her a kiss. You rewarded her drama with love and attention. Terrible.

    saying I had been worried about her

    OMG. You keep making this worse. You’ve completely lost your frame and your balls.

    A couple of days later I got a text from her older relative telling me to never contact her again.  So, I figured this was a LSNFTE and 3 to 4 month no contact.

    Not with this bitch. You need at least 6 months of no contact. A year would be better. (Again, unless she contacts you first.) Then if you ever resume, she’d better be an FB and no more.

    Frankly, you need to HARD next this woman, so you can get your balls back. But I know you won’t do that.

  50. @ draggin: I’m not even sure BD will even read your comment because in the category of “there’s this one girl” comments, it’s way too long.
    You fucked up the part about initiating the open relationship as you admitted, and frankly your entire comment suggests that your frame hasn’t been as Alpha 2.0 as you imply. If you’re wondering whether you “should” have done “1 week and not 4 months”, you clearly have oneitis and she must’ve felt it, which is why she kept pushing for monogamy, as if she was calling bullshit on your less than perfect EFA.
    If you drove her home and were denied a goodnight kiss just before initiating a soft next, you’re completely outside of the frame required to perform a proper soft next in the first place. Before a soft next, she should be trying to get a reassuring kiss, if anything, because she would be aware that she fucked up.
    You initiated contact after a badly started soft next, and you further nullified it by “saying you had been worried about her”. Dude, you’ve been doing this wrong in all kinds of ways.

    Take a 4 month break, lay other women, then hit her up with a completely casual message or call without reference to what happened or “I was worried about you” bullshit. Meet, get to sex, don’t verbalize the openness of the relationship for several months, hard next if it turns out she won’t accept it. Same deal if she contacts you before the end of the 4 months.

    By the way, and I didn’t pay attention at first, this “and wouldn’t let me leave as I was trapped in a corner and didn’t want to physically push past her” may have been worthy of a hard next. She’s giving you high-level drama, you’re tolerating it and she’s physically preventing you from exiting the situation ?! You’re too lenient and she knows it, that’s why she never bought your attempts to appear alpha and be nonmonogamous. Again, it’s as if her subconscious was saying “Bullshit, he’s not for real, I’ll cry and he’ll do as I say.”

  51. I appreciate the critiques.  I’ve only had relationships with a couple of women (one a ltr of 19 years).   I am no alpha and am too sensitive to others feelings as I was raised to be too self-sacrificing.  I’m still trying to undo all that childhood bullshit but I still don’t always see it unless I am beat over the head with it.  That’s why I get in trouble in real-time situations like not seeing that giving a kiss can be rewarding drama.  This all started early in the year so since it happened I’ve gone over the blog (again) and some new posts have helped clarify what I did wrong.  The last soft/lsnfte next has been 3 months so far.
     
    @blackdragon
     
    Thanks for your time, especially for going beyond the first two questions.
     
    The reason for question #1 in my original comment is that I have seen you write elsewhere that an initial soft next is two week maximum.  Do you still agree with that?
     
    The reason for question #2 is because of some advice in your ebook that I read before posting that i needed clarification on.  She was just acting along the lines of what you wrote in item #4 pg 61 of open relationships ebook that I had just re-read before my first comment, so I was thinking I should have just followed #5 and soft nexted for only a week.  Still wondering if I nuked the relationship by not being available enough once she responded to my text, which is unfortunately how I nuked my marriage.  Quickly going too aloof/alpha when they are used to more beta behaviour seems to really screw with them when they are already chasing.  Have you changed your thoughts since writing that ebook on what requires a 4 month soft next and, more importantly, on what requires a hard next?
     
    The 20s rule for drama is key relationship management and I will do my best to follow that in the future.  Somehow I missed/didn’t believe/rationalized away the importance of getting out of there right away, probably because of fear of losing her.   I thought it was enough to be non-reactive but you are right that the whole “STAY CALM. DON’T GET MAD. SAY NOTHING. DON’T TALK. SHUT UP.” thing doesn’t work if you just sit there because she has to escalate to try to get a response, so she works herself into more bad feelings.  She just said “no” when I said “let’s leave”, so I should have just pushed the table out of the way, got out that way, told her we had to go, and left on my own if she wouldn’t leave. 
     
    I do see how the kiss is a reward for bad behaviour.   At the time I thought it was more important to show I was unfazed by her tantrum by acting normal, saying goodnight and the quick kiss but obviously wrong in hindsight.  From now on, no affection and minimal talking (only logistics of leaving) after initiating soft nexts.  I also realize that I was too worried about her feeling bad.  I need to prioritize my own good feelings, which I have to consciously uncouple from hers because of the self-sacrifice thing.
     
    Ultimately, I have to remember to get to sex with her first and then address any other issues.  I texted the “worried about you” because she actually had some serious shit going on in her life that I had given her advice on and she knew that is what I was talking about.  I’ve since read that I shouldn’t have mentioned anything negative and should have just gone for a meetup.  You have re-confirmed it. 
     
    The frame of considering myself single even if I’ve been seeing someone for 4 years will really help my congruence once I internalize it.   That is thanks to a recent comment by you where you advocate considering yourself single unless you have a live-in OLTR.  This whole thing blew up when I told her I was already in an open relationship with someone else (which wasn’t 100% true but I was trying to set the nonmonogamy frame).  It blew up because I had to verbalize “the truth” of being committed to a relationship already.  I tried to deflect but she sensed my incongruence and I didn’t bother trying to correct her that I had a “girlfriend” because then we would have just been arguing over semantics.
     
    I’ve made it 3 months with no contact.  I was going for 4, but I’ll take your advice and see how I feel after the 6 month minimum.  Maybe by then I won’t care anymore and it will go until she contacts me.  She doesn’t rank a hard next per #28 of http://www.blackdragonblog.com/2016/07/18/16297/ because her reaction was just typical venting of a woman who felt she had been cheated on and nothing actually violent or controlling other than using typical female psychological tactics, again like #4 pg 61 open relationships ebook. 
     
    With all of that said, I’m not sure the drama can be trained out of her so I don’t really have high expectations of anything lasting with her.  From her stories I get the feeling that everyone else in her life has always fed it and/or never told her it was unacceptable, especially her parents, her needy alpha ex-husband, and her last beta boyfriend that broke up with her 12 times in the last year because he couldn’t decide what he wanted.   The need for drama may be too ingrained and unconscious, especially since it is so much in contrast with her self-awareness and personal growth in other aspects of her life.
     
    There is an event coming up that we may both be at as it’s a yearly thing and she previously told me that she has always attended it in the past.  The odds of running into her are low because it’s a big day long event with thousands of people, but if I can’t avoid her I plan to just stay casual and say hi and/or wave and continue on with whatever I am doing.  If she comes to me to initiate conversation then I will chat for a bit and pitch a meet up elsewhere.  
     
     @gil galad
    I threw the long winded comment in after the two questions in hope that someone would be able to point out a number of other things I obviously did wrong, such as the goodnight kiss and thinking it showed strength to take the drama.  Also, I wanted to put in details to get clarification on the proper duration of each next.  I’ve learned a lot from others’ mistakes and unfortunately it was my turn to be the example of what not to do. 
     
    I never meant to imply alpha 2.0 and I actually may not ever get there as I have a hard time moving beyond society’s frame of serial monogamy.  I am trying to emulate and internalize as much alpha 2.0 behaviour as I can however, especially with being non-needy, non-reactive, and non-jealous, or at least covering it up even if I feel it.  Btw, in my comment I was referring to lover vibe as contrast to provider where she would just want me for my money etc.
     
    She definitely would have felt I was falling for her even though I didn’t verbalize it.   We had a crazy week of NRE and it seriously was more fun and romantic than my honeymoon even though I had kids to contend with too.  It was so good that I almost didn’t give her my number because I knew there was no way it could continue like that and maybe I should just leave her with the memories.  But when she asked for my number as she was leaving the resort, I decided if it didn’t work out at least I would learn something.  It did end up a train wreck but I still did better than I thought I would and I learned lots.   Most importantly of all, at least I took a chance this time whereas my usual pattern is to pussy out.
     
    I’m guessing I did so well during the vacation because I was helped out by logistics where she didn’t really have an expectation of a relationship.  It didn’t take long when we got back for her to try to escalate to Disney monogamy even though I was following the relationship management techniques as best I could.    It only took one little slip to end the whole thing so I have to work on the issue of deflecting relationship labels.  She only pushed for monogamy on two occasions.  That is how quick it was over, all because of my mismanagement of her drama.
     
    The reason I asked about the one week soft next vs. the four month soft next in this case specifically is because of blackdragon’s advice on pg 61 of the open relationships ebook.  Items #4 and #5 state that she can be expected to get angry, say never to contact her again, even threaten suicide, but that is all normal and only required a regular 3 day to 2 week soft next.  I was just concerned that I over-reacted by assuming that was her lsnfte and automatically going to 4 month soft next whereas it really only warranted a 2 week one.
     
     
    Thanks for taking the time to respond.  You had other good points along the lines of blackdragon’s and hopefully I addressed them in my reply to him.

  52. Your comment was way too long so I didn’t read it, but your two questions on the top:

    The reason for question #1 in my original comment is that I have seen you write elsewhere that an initial soft next is two week maximum.  Do you still agree with that?

    As a general pratice yes, but you still can’t have a soft next that “lasts too long.” I’ve soft nexted women for as long as six weeks.

    Have you changed your thoughts since writing that ebook on what requires a 4 month soft next

    The 4 month no contact rule and soft nexting are two different things.

    more importantly, on what requires a hard next?

    I have not changed my mind on that, no.

    I missed/didn’t believe/rationalized away the importance of getting out of there right away, probably because of fear of losing her.

    Correct. Because you have oneitis and you have completely lost your frame with her.

    She just said “no” when I said “let’s leave”, so I should have just pushed the table out of the way, got out that way, told her we had to go, and left on my own if she wouldn’t leave.

    Correct. She can always get an Uber or cab to get back home.

    I didn’t read the rest of your comment; too long. Move on from this woman, please. Get your balls back, because you’ve lost them.

     

  53. Hey BD,

    Just stumbled upon this and apparently I have been soft nexting before knowing what it is . But still a great read and great blog.

     

    But recently I stumbled upon a problem.

    I have like 4 girls I’m fucking now , but with one it’s been a bit more serious and longer.

    So one day I went to drink with a buddie, she kept bugging me with texts, like ” when are you coming ?” how much longer are you going to hang out? blabla

    I replied to everything. ( also forgot to mention we made plans for the next day to go to the beach, nothing booked etc just verbal plans)

    So after some texts she starts bitching , like ” have a fun day and evening” ” i though we were open with each other” and shit like that.

    After that message I didn’t contact her anymore, nor did she.( and yes I did fuck another girl that night)

    It’s been a week.

    Should I just text her something like nothing happened ? Tell her to go see that movie etc or hard next?

    I really want to fuck her more, she’s an amazing lay and a fun girl.

     

    Thanks!

  54. It’s been a week.

    Should I just text her something like nothing happened ?

    Yep.

    (and yes I did fuck another girl that night)

    That’s what I love to hear. 🙂

  55. I’ve recently had to soft next this girl I’ve been seeing and its the first time I’ve ever done it so I’m hoping i done everything right but I’m hoping you can give me some advice as I’m new to this but have been reading your ebook and blog for about 8 months so I’m learning more every day.

    I’ve been seeing this girl for about 2 months, during that time i have fucked 2 other girls from out of town but they are just FBs and i consider this one my favourite so i haven’t seen much of the other FBs for a few weeks now. I’ve only stuck to seeing her once a week with the exception of 2 weeks where i saw her twice in the same week. We have never discussed the relationship and just enjoy each others company and having sex.

    Last Friday i was going up town to the pub to watch football with some friends, she was also up town with her friends at another pub on a night out so i agreed to meet her after the game and spend the night with her partying.

    All was well at first and i was enjoying myself but then i bumped into a female friend of mine that i not seen in ages so i gave her a hug etc and talked to her for a bit and out of nowhere my girlfriends friend started shouting at me saying i got a girlfriend and getting aggressive and swearing.

    I shrugged it off as she was drunk at some of her friends dragged her away to calm her down. But she was still being rude to me and making me and my friends feel uncomfortable so i went outside for a smoke to get away from it all before I lost my temper.

    When I came back my gf was being all shitty with me and trying the silent treatment for a bit, i told her calmy to tell me what’s wrong and give me a logical reason for the attitude. I used the 20 second rule to let her vent to which she just shouted abuse at me called me some names and couldn’t even give a good reason for her drama (because there wasn’t any) so i decided to start the soft next and left with my friends and spent the night at a house party.

    She txt me an angry txt half hour later which i ignored and i got a phone call the next morning which I also ignored along with a few more txts telling me to meet her. Hours went by and she sent me a long txt saying it’s her last one and how’s she’s really sorry and admits she was in the wrong and likes me a lot and wouldn’t want it to end like this and if i didn’t want to talk to her again she’d understand.

    I felt a bit bad and in the past would of responded but i stuck to my guns and made sure i kept busy to take my mind away from it all. By the Sunday evening i noticed she put a few indirect memes on fb about fuckboys and other crap about how a real man should treat a lady, i just laughed it off.

    Its Monday now so its been roughly 2 and a half days since i soft nexted her so i sent her a txt in the morning saying if she’d like to meet up in the week as if nothing happened. It’s evening now and I not heard nothing yet but i not heard nothing yet but I’m not to bothered. If i don’t hear anything by the weekend I’ll link up with my FB instead.

    Did i do everything right? Part of me thinks i should of waiting a little longer to end the soft next but i thought as its her first offence and i got no drama before i would just make it a short one what you think? I’m new to this lol

  56. Your comment is way too long so I didn’t read it, but what I picked up was this:

    We have never discussed the relationship and just enjoy each others company and having sex.

    …and then you go on to call this same girl your “girlfriend” multiple times.

    I think you don’t know if she’s an FB, MLTR, or OLTR. With all women you date, you need to pick one of those and stick with it 100%. If you don’t, you’ll get exactly the kind of drama you’ve experienced.

  57. I just said girlfriend to make it easier but I’d say shes a MLTR as i have took her on the odd date like dinner etc but not every week we mostly just chill at my place and have sex and i have never promised monogamy nor has she asked but i can tell lately she catching feelings so i try not to act too boyfriendy, never bought her gifts etc.

    Basically what I’m asking is 2 and a half days suitable time for a first time offence and also being drunk i didn’t think it was worthy of a long next but you’re the expert. Most of the drama started from her stupid mate poking her nose in and stiring shit.

  58. Basically what I’m asking is 2 and a half days suitable time for a first time offence and also being drunk i didn’t think it was worthy of a long next but you’re the expert. Most of the drama started from her stupid mate poking her nose in and stiring shit.

    If she gave you drama, it doesn’t matter why, it doesn’t matter if a third party started it, and it doesn’t matter if she was drunk. 2.5 days is fine for a first time soft next.

  59. She finally replied to my txt which i sent 2.5 days after soft next saying if she’s coming round mine on Wednesday evening with a smiley face as if nothing happened but she waited til next morning to reply.

    Her response was cold and just said “if u want” to which i replied saying I’ll pick her up usual time and mentioned how nice the weather is today with smiley face and left it at that.

    Lets see if this works, I’m hoping she doesn’t want to talk about it and just carry on as normal but somehow I can’t see it.

  60. Hi BD, I just completed a polite proactive soft next on a woman who indicated she liked me (boyfriend material) but was disappointed that I had another partner. We hooked up second date, but she refused to even kiss me after learning this. I told her we that although I thought we had great chemistry we had to stop interacting because for a while because it would 1) represent an emotional challenge for me if she kept holding out and 2) I wanted to pursue other women who would be more willing to engage romantically. I blocked her from my phone. I can’t see the content of her texts in block mode, but I do see that she replied seven times in the five hours that followed the soft next. So I think pulling away had a bit of an emotional impact on her, even though she declared that we could only be friends after learning about my other girl. I’m wondering when the right time to re-engage might be, based ion similar situations you’ve experienced. I was thinking about 30 days. I don’t think a week would really communicate that I’m committed to not interacting when she’s in “we’re friends because you have another girl” state.

  61. You can’t soft next someone unless you’ve had sex with her at least twice. You only had sex with her once, so nothing in this scenario will likely work. You never achieved Lock-In.

    You could try her back in a week or so, but your odds of success are less than 20%.

  62. Thanks for the fast response and clarification. Curious about the theory (or data) underlying your advocacy of a week’s wait. It would seem that the length of a delayed response and probabality of success are correlated (up to a capped probability). Just playing devil’s advocate that an even longer wait might be optimal.

  63. There is no specific technique for what you’re asking. “About a week” is just a wild guess. 30 days is way too long if you’ve only had sex once; you’ll never see her again. But you need some time to let her cool off as well. Maybe 3 days would do it. No way to tell.

    And stop telling women you’re fucking other girls after only having sex with them once time. This entire thing is your fault.

  64. Agreed I didn’t handle her interrogation proficiently. I get tested hard for being a player, having a girlfriend, wife etc. I just say I date a lot, but they aren’t satisfied and they go in for the kill and directly interrogate: do you have a gf, are you fucking someone else. You advocate lying? I don’t see anyway around this other than that.

  65. You advocate lying?

    Absolutely not. I never lie to women. Lying = drama.

    I don’t see anyway around this other than that.

    Just make a smartass comment and change the subject.

    “Do you have a girlfriend?”

    “Hell yeah. I have 15 of them.” <smile> “Did your sister go back to school like you were saying?”

    The only women who will push for further answers after that, that soon in the relationship, will be over-33s.

  66. A case study of soft nexting a Oneitis-girl

    Here is a case study for you guys, to show you soft nexts can be done in spite of bad Oneitis. I am an extroverted guy, feeling strong emotions. Week ago I did my first true soft next. I was Oneitsy for a girl and had no other girl on the radar, but her refusal of sex (after we already had it on 3 separate occasions, multiple times each night) and overall “I know you I have you by the balls while I consider returning to my ex-boyfriend” demeanor pushed me over the edge. After a very brief argument (6 calm sentence exchanges) I stood up from her bed, dressed up and left. At first she locked the door, but I calmly said she is keeping me against my will and I will call the police if she won’t let me out. My execution was a bit flawed, because she could see I was angry at the very beginning of the soft next. She contacted me only once the next day, asking if I got home safe, to which I didn’t reply.

    How does the soft next feel?

    During the soft next, first couple of days I was furious she was stringing me along for over 2 months and made me almost beg for sex, which was not too frequent. Then I was angry. Then I was ashamed and doubted my decision. Then I felt bad for leaving her, worrying if she won’t regret she made me left. Then I was angry again. Overall, the feeling of fatigue from putting with her bullshit ultimately prevented me from contacting her, even through “osmosis”. Now over a week has passed and I feel the emotional grip of her over me to be mostly gone.

    The result

    Because she didn’t contact me either (except this brief question next day), I consider myself being nexted by her. I understood my frame was just too weak and nothing good would come out of this anyway.   Maybe I will contact her in two months. Maybe not. I am shifting gears to trying out online game for the first time, following BD’s advice. Looking forward to it!

  67. Hello BD

    Dude, i’ll have to start with a big THANK YOU.

    i’ll be brief. I have 3 hotties in my life. Sex with two on regular basis, and the third is kinda of bitchy that i nexted her several times. Anyway, I was feeling lucky and very confident and really didn’t look for more girls as i don’t have time for dating and new relations bla bla. All of a sudden, I lost all the three almost at the same time! Yup all together! Nexted two and the 3rd decided to stop (totally fine with me, i knew she’ll be back)

    Thank to you, I remained calm, showed no neediness (although i was fucked up) and managed to get 2 of them back. The 3rd one is a hot pharmaciset, and i had to next her ass due to LSNFTE. And you bet i want her ass back immediately, but following your table here:

    http://www.blackdragonblog.com/2011/07/17/how-long-to-wait-before-you-call-her-back/

    I decided to give her a 2 months soft next (yah I am soft with smart hotties LOL). Now I noticed in this post that you didn’t recommend a long soft next for Peter and he is planning a  2 weeks next only although she is fucking someone else!

    My hottie never gave me drama and already know about life style so i figured she is trying to treat me the same. I have no problem with it, but she started to act weird, delayed several meetups, busy with exams, bla bla excuses. It’s been a month now and im planning to contact her next month, oh did i mention that it’s her bday now (i could tell by her display pic on whatsapp), and of course i won’t contact her for that, i have a bad ass mentor lol.

    Should i continue for another month or can i contact her sooner? She Also, do you have a post for how to escalate for one night stand? it’s not really my game, but need it if i get all my girls going insane at the same time lol

  68. All of a sudden, I lost all the three almost at the same time! Yup all together! Nexted two and the 3rd decided to stop (totally fine with me, i knew she’ll be back)

    Well, I have just lost 3 women at the same time, too. That really sucks. I am even doubting now if a polyamorous lifestyle is sustainable.

    The 1st refused to have sex with me on our second meetup at her place, after we had sex once. So I performed a soft next on her. Stupid me. You can’t employ a relationship technique during the seduction phase.

    The 2nd kept asking me if I enjoyed sex with her and insisted on not believing me. Then, after we had sex twice, started avoiding my messages and as soon as I asked her the same question, she said that she didn’t like it herself, because I wasn’t turned on by her blowjob, lol.

    And the 3rd woman was a recurring FB that I had soft-nexted, because she had been canceling our meetups. Then she ghosted me out of the blue. Just like that.

  69. Just a follow up to the soft next I described above. Three weeks later, after getting absolutely no contact attempts from her, I suggested dinner at my place. She refused. Instead we met up in the city. She declared it’s not going to work out between us and she already knew that before I soft nexted her. (So the refusal of sex and her general demeanor at that time was not a misinterpretation on my side. No surprise here.). We chatted a bit and parted our ways in a friendly manner.

    The moral of the story is that next was appropriate, as indeed she was already on the verge of hard nexting me. The only thing I could do better (besides horribly screwing my frame from the beginning and getting Oneitis, but that goes without saying) was to make much shorter soft next (maybe 1 week max) to clear up the situation faster, or immediately go for hard next (but my Oneitis prevented me from doing this).

  70. Thanks for the link BD, valuable posts as usual.

    Thanks to you, i am way past the “she is the one” and the “not like the others”. It’s not in my vocab anymore. I was just asking if I can contact a girl a week after LSNFTE or minimum 2 months.

     

     

    Well, I have just lost 3 women at the same time, too. That really sucks. I am even doubting now if a polyamorous lifestyle is sustainable.

    are they all you got when you lost them? What’s ur plan? Im increasing my number to 4 lol.

     

    Lastly, THANK YOU BD

  71. Reading this post again. I’ve realised I actually soft-nexted some girls looking back, which proves that it indeed does work.

    Even if a girl deliberately takes a while to respond to texts to try and get you to chase or make excuses about the inevitable act of meeting up to have sex. I usually just see it for what it is, invest very little back and casually and kindly wish her well and to keep in touch.

    I did it again when I softly flaked on a girl who invited me to an event, whilst giving a legitimate excuse for not wanting to show up.

    If you ever want to know a girl’s character by the way, watch how they react when you say “No”.

    The key thing really is to not engage in the drama and to simply walk away from it. Most girls eventually get the message and stop doing it, realising that you’re not a guy to screw around with. Soft-nexting is simply making them see and understand it.

  72. Im sure it works –

    I just like to give another perspective on this (Its been mentioned many many times before)

    For me its been an experience, of still being able to be in the playfull corner with a woman, even when I get lost. If I get lost.. I regroup!

    Its a tool I can use! – Its a way to back out, and reflect. And in the end still feel good about myself!
    Wich I think is the most important thing! – For me it is!

    As I am totally noob in this way of thinking, I would rather do this half Alpha 1, and half beta and something else, than be doing what I use to do up to this day- as I am still able to get out of it, with my selfesteem intact!

    Even the (less) bumpy road seems nice:)

    hallelujah! – even!

  73. As Onder says:

    The key thing really is to not engage in the drama and to simply walk away from it. Most girls eventually get the message and stop doing it, realising that you’re not a guy to screw around with. Soft-nexting is simply making them see and understand it.

    SPOT ON! – You even make it sound like poetry! – As it is!
    For me personally the drama was always something Ive been baiting at. ???? Drama is a sad part of me! – I dont need it!
    I can still feel the urge to get into it – And now the only tool I know is soft nexting! – Not fair maybe! – It works so far – But maybe I will get ditched when I become extremely nontolerant! :D..
    Im pretty sure its the way Im raised, that caused my handicap! But what can a mother teach a man? – I know! a lot! But without a “strong” father! it becomes difficult!  –
    I love my father who tought me to love and respect mankind.
    For me BD, and the commenters is the most inspiring I know – by far!

  74. I just soft-nexted a girl I’ve been dating because she thinks it’s cool to keep living with her ex, invite him to thanksgiving, worry about his “feelings” even though she says she’s 100% committed to me.
    I don’t buy it, and just thinking about this situation creates drama in my head.

    She keeps trying to reaffirm that they are “just friends” but I have a hard rule for myself that I simply won’t date women who have ex-boyfriend drama. It’s just extra drama that I dont need in my life.

    I told her to feel free to reach out once she’s moved on from the ex. Of course she’s been blowing up my phone constantly saying how she has no feelings for her, but I’m ignoring.

    I have no problem nexting this chick until the ex is gone. If it takes months, thats cool. Plenty of other women out there that dont have ex bf drama 🙂

  75. Hey BD,

    I’m wondering if I initiated the soft next correctly. I’ve purchased your book but want to make sure on some details.

    Girl ive been seeing for a long while suddenly flipped out on me via text throwing drama at me while having a legitimate concern. As per the system, I simply stated it was uncool and I don’t do drama. Then I proceeded to ignore any text after that. Her following texts were panicky, confused, and even apologetic. I still remained silent… for roughly three days. She mentioned breaking up during this time too.

    however, when I reengaged and suggested meeting up, she said she is still upset and doesn’t want to meet up. I ultimately forced her hand by wishing her the best and suddenly, she is free the next evening.

    My questions are:

    is this normal to get initial resistance?

    did I perform the soft next correctly?

    Youve stated not to mention anything of the incident. However if she’s truly persists, I briefly explain my issue with how it all played out?

    No pressure if you can’t respond but I thought it couldn’t hurt reach out. Thanks in advance!

     

    M.

     

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