When I was a much younger man and still working in the corporate world, I had a co-worker whom I’ll call Matt. He was about 34 years old and a typical married beta male. He was a decent-looking, fun guy who was also a semi-professional musician when he wasn’t working at the office or obeying his wife’s orders.

I barely knew him. I was the supervisor of a team of six guys and he was from a different team down the hall from us. Occasionally our workloads would overlap and I would work with other members of his group.

One day he was over at my desk and we were talking casually. It was probably the fifth or six time I had ever spoken to him other than saying ‘hi’ in the hallway. Suddenly he started getting excited.

“Oh man, guess what?” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“I had sex with this girl last Sunday. Man, she was so hot! We fucked in the shower for like 40 minutes. I’ve never done that!”

“Uh, I assume your wife was’t home, right?”

“Nah, I wasn’t even home. I was over at her place. I’ve known her for a while, and oh man, she’s so hot! And she’s a massage therapist, so she knows all about the body and where things feel good. She was outta this world! I mean, holy shit!”

As he went on and on about his infidelity, several thoughts ran through my head that went something like this:

1. I barely know this guy. And here he is bragging about how he’s cheating on his wife. How does he not know I might be some kind of Bible-thumping Christian who will tell his wife? Or some loudmouth who will blab this all over the office, including to the women who work here? If we were close buddies, then I’d understand him telling me all this, but he barely knows me. The risk he’s taking is insane.

2. This guy knows I’m a supervisor here. I could pull up his home phone number on my computer screen right this second, and as soon as he leaves my office, I could make one phone call to his wife and literally destroy his life. The risk he’s taking is insane.

3. If this guy is telling me this shit, and I barely know him, that means he’s told numerous other people this, who also barely know him. The odds are pretty high that eventually his wife is going to find out. The risk he’s taking is insane.

I was maybe 23 years old at the time, and this behavior was very confusing to me. I understood all about cheating on your wife (even at that age I had a strong feeling monogamy was an iffy proposition). I didn’t understand being this brazen about it. Didn’t he realize he might get caught? Wasn’t he afraid of his wife finding out? Or getting divorced? This was the early 90s, and the divorce rate was pretty bad but still no where near as bad as it is today. I was baffled.

About a year later I was working for a different company, and I was on a business trip with a large group of co-workers. The company rented out an entire hotel and each employee was forced to share a room with another employee. One of my buddies had a mutual co-worker, whom I’ll call Dave, offer him $50 to swap rooms with him, so he could hook up with yet another (female) co-worker. Dave and the woman were both married to other people. (Ah, monogamy.)

My friend took his $50, vacated the room, and Dave and the married woman fucked all night long in there. How did I know that? Because the next day, Dave, who I barely knew, bragged about it to about six different guys, including me. This was a guy I worked with in the same building back home. Just like with Matt, I had access to Dave’s home phone number. If I was a more evil person, I could have very easily blackmailed Matt and Dave and made some serious cash.

I could tell you story after story of men I’ve known or worked with who cheated on their wives and proceeded to tell everyone in the universe all about it. Moreover, Matt and Dave were both betas. When Alpha Male 1.0s cheat it’s even worse. In this article here I talked about the married Alpha 1.0 who was cheating with a female co-worker and openly flirted with her and kinoed her in the office in front of everyone, even making her rub his shoulders and things like that, again in front of everyone. In the same article I talked about another married 1.0 who was regularly fucking his wife’s girlfriends and sisters and bragging about it left and right.

Now think about this: Do married women do this when they cheat?

I’ll answer that with a real-life example. When I was a young man I had a year-long fling with an older married woman. Her husband would leave town on business and often be gone for a month at a time. This woman was like a ninja. When her husband was out of town, she would instruct me to come over to her house at very specific times when she knew the neighbors would not be arriving home. She had me park several blocks down the street. Then I would have to walk to her house and knock on her door in a specific pattern so she would know it was me (this was before texting).

She’d let me in the house, and I wasn’t allowed to touch her yet, not even hug. Instead, I’d sit on her couch and watch Star Trek: Voyager while she grabbed her phone and went upstairs to call her husband at his hotel on the hotel land line. This way she could confirm he was actually there, safely a thousand miles away in his hotel room, and not surprise us mid-sex for an unexpected return. She would talk to him for about 10 minutes, hang up, come back downstairs, and then we could have sex once she made sure all the curtains were closed. She also made me get several STD tests, which back then were really damn expensive (and useless, since I was a near-virgin at that point). I was also not allowed to ever call her at certain hours of the day, even when her husband was gone.

I was a young beta back then so I followed all over her orders. Like most young betas, I was just happy to be getting laid.

That’s not all. She never told anyone about me. She didn’t even tell her best friend of 25 years. I would bet real money that to this day, she still hasn’t told anyone, and that her husband and her close friends still have no idea.

In the decades since all of this, I have observed many men cheat on their wives/girlfriends and many wives cheat on their husbands/boyfriends. Monogamy doesn’t work so it’s a common thing that happens with just about everyone eventually. (Everyone dumb enough, needy enough, or delusional enough to get into long-term monogamous relationships, that is.)

The vast majority of the time, men who cheat act like complete dumbasses and brag about their cheating to just about everyone who listens. This includes both betas and Alpha 1.0s. (Alpha 2.0s don’t get monogamous so they never need to worry about this problem.) Eventually, these men get caught. Big shock.

The vast majority of the time, women who cheat instantly become world-class CIA agents, develop all kinds of clever ways to sneak around, and never tell anyone about what they’re doing, including their close girlfriends. Almost always these women never get caught. Their husbands/boyfriends have no idea that their Sweet Girl™ who Isn’t Like The Rest™ and would Never Do That™ because she a Good Christian White Girl™ and her Parents Are Still Married™ and she Went To College™ has no idea she’s been getting repeatedly impaled by a big fat cock that doesn’t belong to them. (Sometimes the cock in question has belonged to me, particularly during my crazy phase a few years ago.)

This is why when men cheat, they almost always get caught, eventually. They can’t keep their big dumb mouths shut. There are several reasons for this:

1. Societal Programming. We men don’t have ASD. Societal Programming tells women to not have sex, or not have premarital sex, or not have too much sex, or not have sex with too many people, but there’s little or no such messaging for men. So when women cheat, they’ve had a lifetime of social conditioning that tells them they need to keep it a secret, but men’s same conditioning tells them that they can brag about it to the entire world, and the world will pat them on the back.

2. The thrill of the conquest. Every time he has sex with a new woman, a man feels a sense of accomplishment. Even Pleasure of Sex men, and even men like me who have been with a lot of different women over a lifetime, where one more new woman is no big deal, still feel at least a twinge of badassary after having sex with a new woman for the first time. Men have egos. Our egos like to brag about what we’re doing sexually. It’s an irrational, emotional thing. When you’re about to brag about that super hot cheerleader you nailed last night, your man-brain isn’t going to say, “Now wait a minute, Ryan. You’re married. If you tell this guy your wife might find out.” Nah, that isn’t how we’re wired.

3. There’s an element of wanting to get caught. No matter how terrified men are about getting caught cheating, with most of them there’s a little part of them that wants to get caught. Maybe he’s a higher-drama guy and secretly would enjoy the drama of the GF/wife finding out. Maybe he’s upset at the GF/wife for some reason and wouldn’t mind getting back at her. Maybe, like the Jack Nicholson Alpha Male 1.0 character in A Few Good Men, he’s just tired of following all the monogamy rules and wants to let her know he can do whatever the fuck he wants, dammit, even if that means he gets in trouble.

I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again. If you’re a man in a monogamous marriage or relationship, you will eventually cheat and you will get caught, assuming the relationship lasts long enough. You’re not going to get away with it. Fantasize all you want. You won’t. I don’t care how smart or crafty you are. Your entire biology is arrayed against you. Both your Societal Programming and Obsolete Biological Wiring wants to A) fuck other women beside your GF/wife, and B) brag about it to other humans.

As always, when it’s you against your biology, you’re going to lose eventually. You’re also going to lose against your Societal Programming, because by being in a monogamous relationship in the first place, you’ve already proven SP is your master.

Now if you’re the kind of guy who likes drama or somewhat enjoys drama “sometimes,” then by all means, go monogamous, cheat away, get caught, get screamed at for weeks on end and/or dumped, and enjoy your pain.

But if you’re the kind of guy who likes being happy, you should forget this whole monogamy thing so you can have all the sex your biology and mind wants without having to lie about it, sneak around, and incur drama explosions in your life.

Just a thought.

47 Comments on “When Men Cheat, They Usually Want To Get Caught

  1. BD, do you have any specific advice for going about fucking a married Woman?

    What are your feelings about that considering it is a risk?

    It’s not for me. It’s uh, for a friend.

  2. BD, do you have any specific advice for going about fucking a married Woman?

    Yes, but I still don’t recommend it because the potential for drama is too high, and I don’t do drama.

    What are your feelings about that considering it is a risk?

    You follow a system to minimize the risk, while acknowledging that your risk will never be zero. If that’s not good enough for you, then stay away from married women.

    If you really want to fuck married women, here are the three rules you need to follow:

    1. Only do it if she CLEARLY wants to fuck you already. Don’t “game” or “go after” married women cold.

    2. Only do it if you don’t know her husband in any way whatsoever. If he’s your friend, family member, co-worker, or even distant acquaintance or friend of a friend, don’t do it.

    3. Only do it if you know for a fact you’ll never “run into” the husband by accident, ever. That means no banging married women in your neighborhood (you might run into him while running or walking the dog) or at the office (you might run into him at the annual Christmas party), etc.

    Whenever I’ve done it, I’ve followed the above three rules and never violated them even when my cock wanted to. Every guy I’ve ever seen who’s had married-woman drama had it because he violated one or more of the above three rules.

    All of the above is regarding married women. Women with boyfriends they don’t live with are free game in my opinion. The word “boyfriend” is meaningless to most women, particularly those in their 20s. Monogamy doesn’t work.

  3. “Societal Programming”
    And that is how in but only a few words, you lose massive credibility.
    Tell me, where is the evidence that ASD is social programming?
    How do you explain identical ASD in every civilized society on earth?
    Exxactly, you can’t. Because much like modern feminists, “societal programming” is just a really great way to blame things on “the evil patriarchy” with zero evidence to support the claim.
    ASD = Biology Based (obviously)
    Jealousy = Biology Based (obviously)
    The most simple Occam’s razor supported evidence for my statements is simple, every man and woman ever born who is fully finctioning has experienced those emotions.

  4. I can vouch for this a little… I’m not monogamous thankfully due to reading your stuff. But a girl did cheat on her boyfriend with me, and he’s in a very similar social circle to mine. I promised her I wouldn’t tell any of our mutual friends, I didn’t, and she’s still with her boyfriend… but it’s pretty much killed me.

    The only way I survived is by bragging to just about everyone I knew who WASN’T in the same state or even close to the same social circle. And it’s been a real bitch when friends of mine, especially girl friends of mine, thought I was this innocent dude when I’d actually pulled off having sex with this girl—who everyone wants—with no one in the circle ever knowing.

    I love sex. But I gotta be honest… I love bragging about it almost as much.

  5. And that is how in but only a few words, you lose massive credibility

    Yes, I clearly have zero credibility. I’ve just been making all of this up for the past seven years.

    Tell me, where is the evidence that ASD is social programming?

    All the slut shaming men do to women and women do to other women.

    How do you explain identical ASD in every civilized society on earth?

    There isn’t identical ASD in every society on earth. There’s far less ASD in Brazil than in the US, and far less in the US as in India. It’s bizarre that you think every civilized society treats sex exactly the same.

    “societal programming” is just a really great way to blame things on “the evil patriarchy” with zero evidence to support the claim.

    I think patriarchy is fine under certain conditions. To me that has nothing to do with ASD or SP.

    ASD = Biology Based (obviously)
    Jealousy = Biology Based (obviously)

    Correct, jealousy is biology based, specifically obsolete biology, and I write about that extensively in my book. ASD is a combination of biology and SP.

    The only way I survived is by bragging to just about everyone I knew who WASN’T in the same state or even close to the same social circle.

    Yep. You’re a dude so you need to brag. 🙂

    I love sex. But I gotta be honest… I love bragging about it almost as much.

    So do most men.

    And stop fucking women in your social circle. That’s only for guys who enjoy drama.

     

  6. Most men do seem to want to get caught. There are a few smart and sneaky ones, but not most of them. Hell, there is one married guy I sleep with here and there that just seems to love to go out of his way to have risque sex where his wife could show up at any minute. It scares the hell out of ME lol, but it must turn him on or something.

    Not only do they seem to want to brag to the men they know but its almost like they want to brag to the person they are cheating ON too, which is flat out stupid. I guess the thrill is worth it to them or something… Women have way more to genuinely FEAR when they cheat than men do though, well, usually. There are some psycho women out there.

  7. Correct, jealousy is biology based, specifically obsolete biology, and I write about that extensively in my book. ASD is a combination of biology and SP.

    Jealousy is primarily a learned behavior caused by artificial scarcity. SP forces this upon every individual throughout their whole lives. Jealousy only exists in societies where fear and scarcity is prevalent — in the context of human interaction/relationships.

  8. Jealousy is primarily a learned behavior caused by artificial scarcity.

    You think this is all learned, the other guy thinks it’s all biology…

    My position is that none of us know for sure, that there’s strong evidence which supports both theories, and thus it’s likely a lot of both SP and biology. Both. Not 100% one or the other.

  9. Guys don’t want to get caught, but their sex drive rivals or outweighs their survival instinct sometimes. And the only thing that rivals their sex drive is their ego.

    Here’s a joke for you:

    A guy’s stranded on a desert island alone with Kate Upton. There’s nothing to do and no one around so they do nothing but fuck like rabbits for a week. But after a while, although the guy originally seemed to be in heaven, he starts moping and seeming depressed.

    What wrong? Kate asks him, wondering if he’s already losing interest in her. Is there any particular fantasy you have that you wany to try, or anything special that I could do?

    Well….he says, actually….there is one thing. Could you put on this baseball cap and my clothes, and then walk around the island and when you meet up with me again, pretend youre my best friend Dave.

    Kate thinks wtf?! Does this guy have gay fanyasies or something? But she does what he asks, dresses up in the man’s clothes, walks around the island and then comes up to him and says “hey dude, long time no see.”

    And the guy answers, “Dave! So good to see you! Dude, you’ll never BELIEVE who I’ve been banging all week!”

  10. I had an Alpha 1.0 phase of my life where I would promise (Read: Demand) monogamy and issue lots of rules and regulations.

    The funny part was that if I didn’t feel NRE (or it was very short lived), I would instantly cheat on these girls, even during the first few months of our relationship.

    Right now I’m in deep NRE with a girl (a 6 month MLTR that turned out to be extremely promising). At first, I fucked my other MLTRs on the side, but one went away after “The Talk”, and I don’t have time for the other one before I finish my Masters (Don’t worry. It’s scientific, big bucks, and related to my mission).

    That leaves me with one girl, who was only seeing me for most of the first 6 months. However, she is moving to the other side of the earth in July, leaving us with 6 month short-term monogamy NRE (The last monogamous relationship I will ever have).

    What the first three months of short-term monogamy (which is the only time monogamy has a chance to work) is:
    1) Being monogamous in NRE leads to some serious emotional unbalances. Oneitis is just around the corner. Always have at least one discreet FB on the side.

    2) IF you ever want to “get serious”, starting out with EFA and having her as MLTR for at least 6 months is crucial. She has yet to give me any bullshit, and she knows that if I’m no longer happy (even during NRE), I’m out the door.

    3) During NRE with one girl, it is really hard to care for any other girls. And they sense that you no longer care that much for them. Maybe BD has some advice for handling other MLTRs during an NRE phase? (Obviously since I’ve gone (short-term) serious with this girl, my intent was also to put the MLTRs on hold in some way (which one girl accepted)).

    Has anybody here put a MLTR on hold before? She sometimes texts me, and something tells me that I shouldn’t answer her texts until approaching the “resume date” of the relationship.

  11. Yeah we have to brag, the old me cheated bragged and got caught instantly, they always forgave (most likely were cheating themselves). Ah well at least I’ve moved on.

    As a side note, just purchased all your e-books, two days on I’m already seeing results. I can’t thank you enough

  12. Even if a guy can keep his mouth shut, doesn’t want to get caught, and can be as secretive about it as possible chances are he’ll still get caught. This is because it’s ALOT harder for a man to cheat than a woman.

    If I’m a woman I can go online, post a blurry picture of just my body (no face) and make all sorts of demands out of my potential suitors including having them host and agreeing to no trading of phone numbers or pictures before meeting as well as giving them a false name etc. and still be flooded with offers of dick. A guy can’t.

    If a man wants to cheat he has to take all sorts of additional risks that can lead to exposure and even if and when he finds a suitable partner, if she’s attractive and in demand, she still probably won’t agree to all the cloak and dagger nonsense, the exception being the ones that get off on the sneaking around (or ones he’s paying, which is the only way I’ve seen it stay under wraps longer term), but a guy still has to put himself out there to find them and make it happen, and there’s a huge risk of getting caught while doing that.

    Yet another reason why monogamy is a raw deal for men.

  13. Two more reasons:

    First, men brag about sex because it’s social proof and at some level we instinctively understand this. Alphadom is still, in our monkey brains, equivalent to getting laid. Getting laid with some strange confers status on a man. Always has, always will do.

    Second, when a man cheats, the other woman will often leave clues for his partner. A woman’s world is made up mainly of other women – men are just sometimes the topic over which they fight their long-running wars. For women the whole point is stealing someone else’s man.

    If you are cheating on a LTR, sweep your car, your clothes, your person for hairclips, makeup brushes, bobby pins, earrings, smudges, lipstick marks, anything small and identifiably some woman’s. The classic, of course, is panties – the nuke her from orbit “fuck you” directed at your LTR by the Other Woman (don’t get offended – it’s really nothing to do with you, except incidentally). It can be as subtle as tying your tie for you in a way that you don’t normally do it.

    They do it instinctively and deliberately.

  14. @ KryptoKate,

    Thanks for a good laugh and a good joke I can enjoy repeating. Got any more?

     

  15. Just go OLTR/unfenced gentlemen-cheating doesn’t exist in this model and it’s much less stressful than sneaking around.

    I’ve done my share of cheating in the past and while I never gave in to bragging, knowing it could get me busted, I still got caught a couple times because of other people ratting me out.  One girl directly ratted me out to the girl I was dating after she got butthurt about me not wanting to be with her full time.  The other time it was a friend of a friend that decided to take it upon himself to bust me out.

    So you see no matter how careful you are, you can still get caught.  Just don’t do exclusive monogamy-problem solved.

  16. I have found an interesting article about why society developed the slut stigma:

    Why Women Are Called Sluts When They Sleep Around, But Men Aren’t

  17. About dating married women, one must understand all the downsides.

    Besides the risk of getting caught in a husband/wife drama whirlwind, there’s also the absurd time constraints, which most singles and GFs don’t have. It’s so annoying when you set up a crazy night of sex and she cancels last time because of some “family emergency”. Or when you have to bang her looking at the clock so you two don’t get caught by accident.

    That said, married women are some of the horniest I’ve ever been with! They usually are 100% sluts when it comes to sex outside their marriages, and they love to be dominated. Win-win.

    Just don’t do them anymore, too much trouble and risk involved.

     

  18. it’s ALOT harder for a man to cheat than a woman.

    I think I agree to a point, yeah.

    Second, when a man cheats, the other woman will often leave clues for his partner.

    Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Depends on the woman and the scenario.

    If you are cheating on a LTR, sweep your car, your clothes, your person for hairclips, makeup brushes, bobby pins, earrings, smudges, lipstick marks, anything small and identifiably some woman’s.

    Yeah, you’ll have to do all of that because monogamous women are better detectives than Sherlock Holmes and Batman combined.

    Ugh. The cheating lifestyle is so fucking tiring and ridiculous. I’m amazed so many men put up with all that work and bullshit. Is having an OLTR really that hard?

    I would shoot myself in the face if I had to do all that hiding around just to get my biological sexual needs met.

    OMG!!!   I knew there had to be an answer to marital longevity and happiness.  And here it is !!!!!

    HOLY FUCK I’M CONVERTING TO CHRISTIANITY RIGHT NOW. GOD IS THE ANSWER, EVERYONE. DEVOTE YOUR LIFE TO HIM!

    I have found an interesting article about why society developed the slut stigma:

    And it’s ridiculous because I already refuted all of those arguments here and in my book.

    married women are some of the horniest I’ve ever been with!

    Of course they are. Me too. That’s what happens when you’re trapped in a monogamous marriage. Exciting sex doesn’t exist past the three-year mark, so you’re like a man dying of thirst in a desert.

    Ah, monogamy.

    As a side note, just purchased all your e-books, two days on I’m already seeing results. I can’t thank you enough

    You’re very welcome and I’m glad.

  19. If the title of this post is true. Does Kobe, Arnold, Tiger and any other top male like setting fire to piles of their own cash? I’m sure this has been covered before, but the advantageous benefits women have over men for infidelity is insane.

  20. <blockquote>And it’s ridiculous because I already refuted all of those arguments here and in my book.</blockquote>

     

    As the writer of the article in question, I just want to point out that none of the refutations you just linked to relate to anything I posted in my article. I didn’t bring up the number of sperm vs. the number of eggs, and I didn’t bring up anything about 100 partners psychically destroying either men or women. So I’m not sure exactly how your article refutes my arguments when they are not even addressing the same arguments at all? For the record, all the arguments you did actually refute, I don’t agree with either.

    Also, it seems you think my article was prescriptive instead of descriptive. It’s the latter.

  21. T would you like to debate me on that topic? I do regular debates here with people who disagree with me. The rules and format of the debate are here. It would take place over email and I’d post the conversation here when done. If you’re interested let me know, or email me. I think we’d have a good discussion.

  22. @T: Interesting article. Now write another one about why women who sleep around are considered beautiful and empowered by feminists while men who sleep around are considered contributors to rape culture, objectifiers of women, misogynists, rapists in training, insensitive bigots, and immature little boys.

    I look forward to it.

  23. I couldn’t even get past all the comments before calling Bullshit …

    Advice: If you are going to NOT take BD advice and lie to your supposedly single source of sex – never, ever talk about it to anyone. There is only one way to have a secret – think about it, it’s not really hard to figure it out.

    Next: The majority of my early career and through the first 10 years of my now defunct marriage, I traveled.  Usually on project teams that would be out M-F for several weeks or months and in one case about 2 years. There are three types of business travelers – (1) Those that like to be social, but not specifically “party” (2) those that “party” and go wild and (3) those that work (usually early and late), sleep, repeat.  These project teams were composed of mostly married males. I have no idea if group 1 had sex on the road, I know for a fact group 2 did, and as far as I know, group 3 was made up of robots and didn’t require anything but rest.

    Because I usually hung out with the group 1 guys, I know for a fact, they had sex with women – in fact, a couple had long-standing relationships (during the length of the project).  But you would never know that – they didn’t brag, they didn’t boast, they weren’t overt – they would just excuse themselves around 8 or so with a “gotta go call my wife” or “there this thing I gotta go do”.

    Unless you see people both at home and on the road – you really can’t get a full picture of who they are (or who they are pretending to be).

  24. Above, I have to clarify a statement … I said “I have no idea if group 1 had sex on the road”

    When in it should have read … “I have an idea some of the men in group 1 had sex on the road”

  25. Maybe I’m not the norm, but I actually enjoy my marrage of 10 years!… I’m quite satisfied by my wife!(some damn good drive she has, and awesome head!), and I’m very good at satisfying her too!( combo of the right ‘equipment ‘ and brains!… Makes me wonder what percentage of men are not skilled or built to satisfy ?!)… We have even lived out a few fantasies (also important if u want to make it last I think!… Or one starts to wonder…)… And we usually have sex daily… A MUST!(use it or loose it..obviously)… And that’s with 4 kids under 11 years old!( they only know we’re giving each other a ‘massage ‘ ha!)… Please don’t thake this as I’m saying it’s better than your lifestyle BD… To each their own!…. I do like reading your interesting points of view and various articles!… I respect a man (or woman!) that has their shit together and goes after what THEY want…not what others want them to do!

  26. I actually enjoy my marrage of 10 years!

    Have you ever been sexual with any other women during those 10 years?

  27. Honestly, no… Almost got my promised fantasy (blowjob from her and another woman..were are both 34 btw for a age referance), but her lesbian friend didnt seem into it (despite her jaw dropping at seeing me hard watching her and my wife lol)… But she suffered a bad rape at the hands of a asshole man!.. So I can understand… And shortly after she was on her way to other things (I guess you’d say we soft nexted her..forgive me as I forget the word you use..)…. And I’m going to get to do that fantasy soon enough, and belive in “good things happen to those who wait”(to a point mind you,.. I don’t wait long for sex)… No actual sex is allowed with said other woman, which I am quite fine with… Guess I’m a bit odd… But I have way more ‘fun’ then my poor sex deprived friends at work!…
    Mind you I had a almost one year severe dip in libido (everything worked as it should, and kept my wife satisfied when she asked…just didn’t really care one way or the other about sex… ) testosterone went down to 6 total, and 4 free! Back problems….pain meds… Possibly other problems due to vasectomy (wasn’t numb enough on left side… Let’s just say better you NEVER experience that pain…I shoulda stuck to cuming in her mouth…oh well).On TRT now, and using gel (it’s said to boost DHT better than injections, although perhaps my not work as well?.. It will DEFINITELY make libido go up like when I was 18, but with skill and control of a ‘older’ male!)… All the best!

  28. And I’m going to get to do that fantasy soon enough

    So you’re at least planning on at least getting a blowjob from another woman. That’s a start.

    No actual sex is allowed with said other woman, which I am quite fine with

    You’re fine with that now. Let’s see how you feel a few years from now.

    On TRT now

    Ohhhh yeah. Just wait and see what happens to your “quite fine with” stuff… 🙂

  29. I highly doubt I will suddenly change my mind…. She had asked me if I wanted to have sex with the other woman… I was smart enough to leave the door open by saying only if you want me to (perhaps a odd fantasy of her watching me fuck the hell outa her?? Women can become ‘odd’ creatures when super horny lol)…. Who knows what the future will bring…:-)

  30. I highly doubt I will suddenly change my mind

    …said every married man ever.

    She had asked me if I wanted to have sex with the other woman… I was smart enough to leave the door open by saying only if you want me to

    That’s the most beta thing I’ve ever heard.

    Who knows what the future will bring

    I do. Converting to an open marriage, cheating, or a divorce. All you have to do is wait and see which one you’ll end up with.

  31. BD…. I can see how that seems as a beta statement thinking back… I suppose I don’t bother labeling myself…I don’t give into my wife like you may think (NOT a needledick afc here!… Love the acronyms btw!)… There is some give and take, but not at each other’s expense of happiness…. That being said, I know I could easily screw the other girl that would be with us… But to me, at least in my mind here and now, isn’t worth it(that is dosnt matter that much to me…I have plenty good enough sex with my wife, and if it costs her emotional discomfort, I see no point..as in no loss)…. I don’t run my own company (YET!) , or really have that much $ (again…yet.. A bit slow at the success thing… Hey, I’m ADD… Stunned the people that doubted me!)… Switched carriers twice, but quicky became very good at it with the paperwork to prove it (former auto master mechanic..Volvo master tech…. Now in wastewater… Passed all 8 DNR tests needed to run this plant…4x faster than the others that have been here 3x longer than me).. Probably doesn’t alone qualify me as a Alpha… At least I know full well I can please my wife like one!…. You may very well be right about it all!… I don’t doubt Alphas such as yourself… Prefer to learn from them, and respect their accomplishments!…. Thanks for taking the time of day to reply!… I’ll leave you with one of my favorite acronyms (of sorts..) FOUPA (Fat Over Upper Pussy Area! …. My tech school class saying “friends don’t let friends ride FOUPA!”)

  32. BD, i’m very thankful for your blog and i agree in many things with you perfectly. Monogamy sucks!

    Anyways, i wanted to ask you about your experiences with married women.
    Did you ever feel bad for them, or guilty that you might destroy their marriage when sleeping with them? Did you ever have bad feelings, like you were doing the wrong thing?

    I’ve slept with a married guy before (and get hit on by other married men at times) and i never know how to think about that.
    I feel like it’s not my responsibility. If they don’t cheat with me on their wife, they will do it with some other woman. It’s not on me to feel guilty about it, but still i feel somewhat bad and evil… i suppose SP wants me to feel bad cause it’s “so wrong”.

    I feel sorry for those men cause they really are unhappy in their relationship/marriage and desperately want to open it, but are afraid that their wife/GF won’t like it and leave them.
    I did sleep with him in the end but i also talked with him a lot about his relationship. That he souldn’t be cheating (yeah, i see the irony in that^^), cause it doesn’t solve his actual problem (being monogamy), but just talk to his partner about how he feels instead and that he is unhappy with the current lifestyle. She will find out eventually anyway and then she will be even less cooperative but rather angry and more likely to break up than with open communication before it can even escalate.

    I’d very much like to hear your view on that. But thank you anyways

  33. Did you ever feel bad for them, or guilty that you might destroy their marriage when sleeping with them?

    No. I did not date these women. I just had sex with them. Every married woman I’ve ever slept with, to my knowledge, is still married to her husband to this day.

    Did you ever have bad feelings, like you were doing the wrong thing?

    No. She was the one lying and violating a promise. I was not lying to anyone nor violating any promise I’ve ever made. (And that little thing about monogamy not working.)

    I’ve slept with a married guy before (and get hit on by other married men at times) and i never know how to think about that. I feel like it’s not my responsibility. If they don’t cheat with me on their wife, they will do it with some other woman. It’s not on me to feel guilty about it, but still i feel somewhat bad and evil… i suppose SP wants me to feel bad cause it’s “so wrong”.

    If you:

    1. Don’t lie about it (which means if the married person’s spouse directly asks you, you will tell the truth)

    and

    2. Don’t actually date the married person, like take him/her out on romantic dates and talk about your feelings and shit, and get emotionally involved,

    …then you’re doing nothing wrong.

    Again, the married person is the liar and the promise violator in that scenario. Not you. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my entire life and I never will. (I don’t promise monogamy to begin with.)

  34. So I’d like to comment that my ex husband and I had great sex during our marriage. Actually it got lots better between 10-16 years into it. We got better and had amazing sex. I always felt very satisfied sexually and I have a three a day drive. The reason I cheated on him had nothing to do with our sex life. It had to do with the fact that he let me down emotionally to such a serious extent that I could barely be in the same room with him. I definitely agree with you that women are stealth and men aren’t. And that s where my question comes in. I’m involved with a married guy. And I seriously don’t understand him at all. He got married in hs, dropped out bc she got pregnant on purpose. He comes from one of those families where his own parents would have brought the shotgun lol. So he’s unhappily married and he s like bipolar. One minute he’s terrified to get caught and the next minute he’s doing something stupid that will get him caught. I could really use your help figuring him out. He refuses to take any precautions like he will make plans to see me and then flip when she wants to know where he is? He admitted to me he didn’t have an alibi. Like WTF? He’s like Jekyl n Hyde literally sick with dread and then doing stupid stuff like that. He thinks I must be some super slut bc it blows his mind tht recommendations I make to him to cover his tracks..like wow how come you know to do that? One day he was talking about how much he liked me and I was like don’t even go there because we both know you’re going to stay married. I feel like he’s resentful so he wants to punish her and she suspects him and they play this sick twisted game where he flirts with getting caught and she has him by the jugular and the balls. It’s weird bc he seems so Alpha in every other respect. He’s not allowed to socialize without her there, not allowed to have buddies or hobbies without her or her family supervising. It’s so weird. How either of them live that way is beyond me. So he typically comes to my place 3 plus times a week or we ll meet up some where before or after his work day. He makes weird comments like wanting to get back at her so he’s going to buy something or how she doesn’t make him happy. It blows my mind that women think they can put a man on a leash at all let alone in a choke hold n he’s just gonna go for it. Also, I am very uninterested in him getting caught. I am extremely discrete, I don’t want drama and I don’t want to lose him as a lover. But why is he so stupid? Like he said to me if she calls you don’t answer ok? Like wtf? Why would she call me? Why would I answer? I suspect she uses the gps in his phone or on his vehicle and I told him he should have that checked out but he hasn’t. It turns out they’re all on some big shared family plan so he can’t control his own bill. Like WTF? Why not manage your shit OR take precautions if you knew tht instead of openly texting and calling me. Maybe he was an Alpha and she broke him down? Maybe even though he’s terrified he does want to brag to her? He acts like a typical Alpha with me most of the time but also fishes for compliments about his abilities, age, appearance, what I see in him, because he knows I’m a catch. I really enjoy him and have been looking for a guy like him for a while bc men suck in bed and aren’t affectionate. He’s the first guy who even comes close to satisfying me since my ex. And he’s very old school rugged with me and it’s a rare and great combination. We get along great and he has a great sense of humor. One minute he’s this stoic bad ass rugged man n then he can be incredibly sweet. Purrr. But the drama with the wife is such a O block. Do I just have to ditch him or is there a way I can get through to him? I’m soooo not interested in being in charge especially of his game I mean , hello? And I really want your insight about how he’s so Alpha and so beta. I can’t figure him out. Thanks for your help.

  35. @Ashley: looks like this has more to do with how much the parts you dislike about him are bothering you. If you’re genuinely happy and it’s just a minor annoyance, then keep seeing him till he (probably) gets himself caught, otherwise leave him.

    Tbh I’m biased against the idea that women hide their affairs better than men (but I’m sure the actual stats show I’m wrong) because in the only affair I was involved in (the woman was cheating on her man with me), it was the other way around. I was early twenties and she was late thirties, and yet of her own admission, I was the more level-headed of the two of us when it came to hiding what we were doing: I would tell her how often we should meet and how it shouldn’t be the same day of the week each time to avoid creating a pattern, etc. She was way more impulsive (“I HAVE to see you now”, “I need to hear your voice now”, etc) and even though she definitely didn’t want to be caught, she didn’t seem to put that much thought into covering her tracks. I would’ve been even more paranoid if it were me cheating, but I’m against cheating in the first place and prefer honest nonmonogamy so…

  36. It’s more than a minor annoyance bc he gets so stressed out that it ruins our time together. It colors every aspect of our relationship, for lack of a better word. And I’d really like help figuring him out. It’s really puzzling.

  37. “Figuring him out” out is probably something women should let go of if the goal is happiness (not because men are “mysterious” or any BS like that but because the explanation, complex or not, is often uninteresting and, more importantly, not gonna help).

    I suggest you identify three or four key things that summarize what makes you (truly) unhappy with him, and directly (and calmly) ask him if he can fix that or propose a compromise. If he refuses and you’re sure those things are making you unhappy, leave him. Abundance mentality is something both men and women should have.

  38. Agreed. Completely. I just am dying of curiosity and I was looking for some wise male insight as to what would make a man act that way, other than say, lack of the ability to think outside the box.

  39. other than say, lack of the ability to think outside the box.

    That’s a perfectly plausible explanation. I’m rereading you earlier comment and, no offense to the guy, but it makes me wanna ask you if he’s, ahem, a bit low IQ overall. But then sometimes, severe lack of experience can look like stupidity.

    He sounds like an Alpha 1.0 who has been completely betaized by his wife, but can get to be more dominant with you, hence the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde aspect.

  40. Hmm ok that makes sense. Yeah, I think he genuinely likes n enjoys me but I sense tht I’m his fuck you, you can’t control me, to his wife. Maybe he flirts with getting caught but is terrified of the social ramifications if he gets caught and I think he wants to be more free but doesn’t want to full blown hurt her. It’s just weird to me. I’ asked him, don’t you want to go places, do things, see buddies etc.. he looked at me like I was from another planet. I was like, don’t you have a poker night? He’s like, only as couples. He has to tell her to the minute what time he ll be home, and prove he was working. I guess he had outside relationships before so that’s how he rationalizes it but he seems like a novice to me, clueless.

  41. The other thing is, while I agree with your idea that I should embrace abundance mentality I have a hard time practicing this. Lots of guys want to sleep with me but the majority of them are not guys I want to sleep with, especially not repeatedly. Either they’re green and horrible in bed and coach resistant, or they’re looking for a notch instead of a fwb or more, or they are looking to play serious head games, have terrible tempers/personalities, or they aren’t ddf. Or they’re way too beta, or like my primary lover right now, they have wife/ex wife issues. I need advice as to how to find and vet more potentially suitable playmates. I know I sound super picky, but it’s slim here.

  42. Yeah, I think he genuinely likes n enjoys me but I sense tht I’m his fuck you, you can’t control me, to his wife. Maybe he flirts with getting caught but is terrified of the social ramifications if he gets caught and I think he wants to be more free but doesn’t want to full blown hurt her.

    Sounds plausible to me.

    The other thing is, while I agree with your idea that I should embrace abundance mentality I have a hard time practicing this.

    Of course, very few people are naturals at this. Visualizing the worst possible outcome, trying to make peace with that idea, then realizing that what’ll actually happen will probably be a few notches milder than that worst case scenario, can help. I’m sure there’s a lot of online advice about that too.

    I need advice as to how to find and vet more potentially suitable playmates. I know I sound super picky, but it’s slim here.

    I think the fact that BD’s system has sex happen on the second date (unless the girl is very obviously DTF on the first) has the secondary benefit of informing chicks that you’re probably not there just for the notch but want something more long term. So if you yourself readjust your dating to end up having sex on the second date, that’ll weed out the category you want to avoid. As for “too beta”, a man being beta is usually already visible on the first date or even earlier; weed them out too.

  43. All your suggestions make sense. I think the issue I’m having is how to meet the guys in the first place. I need suggestions there. If it’s out at a bar or club obviously they just want a one nighter typically. I don’t work with any eligible men, and my social circle is currently all married people. I usually resort to online but I don’t know many sites. When I grab coffee or lunch etc I get seriously checked out n ik there are attractive guys out there who I’m there type n some of them would be a good fit but I have no clue how to access them socially.

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