Being Unable to Compartmentalize Sex is a Liability
Today’s article is a direct sequel to an article that I wrote regarding the Relationship Boxes Concept. If you have not yet read it, please take a minute and do so. It will put the rest of this article in context for you.
Within the Relationship Boxes Concept, I explained that everyone has a different amount of relationship “boxes” in his/her brain when it comes to having sex with someone. There are sex boxes, affection boxes, and love boxes. You only have a certain amount of each. You may even be missing one or more of those types. Read the linked article above for more information.
Today, I’m going to discuss men who are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to living a life of long-term, consistent happiness. They are the men who lack the ability to have completely casual sex.
In other words, if they have sex with a woman, they immediately get strong romantic feelings for her. In extreme cases, they get oneitis or they fall in “love” with her after having sex just a few times. It’s not really love of course, but that’s what they’ll call it.
Most other men in this category aren’t quite as extreme. They don’t fall in love or get oneitis, but they will admit that whenever they have sex with a woman, they immediately get strong, romantic feelings for her. They can’t help it. I’ve talked to many of these men over email and on the forums over the years.
Having romantic feelings for a woman is just fine. Being strongly attracted to a woman on an emotional level is also fine. I do this all the time. The problem is these men do this with every woman they have sex with.
Stated differently, these men lack the ability to have FBs (fuck buddies or friends with benefits). The concept of having completely casual sex with someone who is just your friend and that’s it (or less!) simply does not exist in their world. Every woman they sleep with is either an MLTR, OLTR, girlfriend, or at least someone they want to have as one of those types of relationships.
Using the Relationship Boxes parlance, we may say that these men lack a sex box. The only boxes they have are affection boxes and love boxes.
Here’s the question. How happy do you think these men typically are in their relationship lives?
If you answered “not really happy,” you’re right.
Here’s another one. How many relationship/woman problems do you think these men tend to have?
If you answered “a lot,” again, you’d be right.
How much drama and frustration do you think these men experience in their woman/relationship lives?
If you answered, “a lot,” you’re on a roll.
If every woman you have sex with you get “feelings” for, it might sound nice, but the reality is that you’ve got some very real problems. Such as:
1. You are in a constant state of neediness and outcome dependence with women. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. You’re never 100% at peace. This is unless every woman you sleep with reciprocates all of your feelings at all times, and that’s not going to happen.
2. Every new woman introduced into your sex life is a new source of stress, work, and concern. Once you have sex and start to like her (and likely start treating her like someone you’re dating or want to date) your happiness is bound up in her acceptance of you. With other men, this happens sometimes, with some women. With you, this happens to every woman you have sex with.
3. The entire woman side of your life is much more work, both logistical and emotional, than with normal guys who fall for some women they sleep with but not most of the others. For these men, sex is always a joy. For you, it’s nice (hey, it is sex) but it’s also emotional overhead.
Over the course of my life, I’ve had sex with a lot of women over a period of more than 20 years. I’ve fallen in love with a grand total of three of them. Three. To be fair, this article isn’t necessarily talking about love. So to compare apples to apples, I back through my spreadsheets and journals to count up the number of women I had real romantic feelings for (high end MLTRs) in addition to those three. I came up with an additional four women.
So of all the women I’ve ever had sex with in my entire life (not a small list), only seven of these women were women I considered or wanted to be high-end MLTRs or above; women I had “feelings” for, well beyond friendship. All the rest were either FBs (more than 50%) or lower-end MLTRs, and that’s all I wanted them to ever be.
That’s how picky I am about who I get “feelings” for. Moreover, it often takes me around six months or longer to get these feelings. As just one example, in my last OLTR relationship, we were together for 5.5 years, but for the first 12 months or so she was nothing but an FB. It took me a long time to get real “feelings” for her.
And before you start thinking I’m some kind of robot, there are plenty of other Alphas who have slept with far more women than me and had strong feelings for less than seven of them. I’m an emotional beta compared to some of these guys.
Because most of the women I have sex I don’t have “feelings” for (beyond friendship) and I’m perfectly comfortable with this, my entire dating and relationship life is:
2. Less stressful
3. Less work
4. Less drama
5. More fun
6. More rewarding and real when I do have a relationship with feelings.
Many times when I give relationship advice to guys, and I tell them to do things like soft next or forbidding FBs from spending the night, they protest saying, “Hey, I don’t work that way. I get feelings for every woman I have sex with. It’s just how I am.”
That’s great, but I’m telling you this is bad. This is not something you should be defending or justifying. This should be something you should be addressing and fixing. If every time you have sex with some random bimbo you immediately start getting feelings for her, she’s going to have you by the balls to some degree, and you’re in for problems. It’s almost guaranteed.
I’m not saying you have to be an INTJ robot like me. I am saying that you need to start developing the skill of having sex with a woman over a prolonged period of time without getting emotional for her beyond friendship. If she’s truly amazing, then fine, feel those romantic feelings and go for it, but not every woman you have sex with is truly amazing. Truly amazing women, and women who are compatible with you, represent a smaller percentage of the women you will have sex with over the course of your life. Most women you have sex with will be normal, everyday chicks, and this is okay. Accept it.
If you’re one of these guys, I strongly recommend the following:
1. Go read and then re-read my post on how to avoid oneitis, and follow its instructions. Again, I realize that you don’t always get full-on oneitis, but that article still applies to you.
2. When you have sex with a new woman, ask yourself some hard questions. Is this woman you just met really amazing enough for you to fall for? Is she really that different from the other women you’ve had sex with? Is it possible you’re getting something that feels like “feelings” just because she’s really hot? (That last one is really common.)
3. Ask yourself WHY you get feelings for every woman you have sex with. Sit down quietly and ask yourself that question, and listen to what your subconscious mind tells you. You may learn something. If you do, you’re better armed to address it.
Romantic feelings of connection are wonderful. Have them. But don’t have them for every woman you happen to boink.