Confessions of a Serial Monogamist
A while back, I wrote a post about how serial monogamy is, in most cases, abusive to men, since it’s usually women who initiate it and women who terminate it discordantly with the expectations of the men they’re dating.
In that post, I posed 11 questions for these man-dumpers to answer. Our very own Kryptokate, an avowed serial monogamist, was brave enough to answer those questions. She was quite brave to be as honest as she was; I gotta give her credit.
Here, I will analyze her answers to get a glimpse into the serial monogamist female mind. Fair warning: this is going to be one of the most depressing articles you will read on this blog, but sometimes we must do this in the interest of education and self-improvement. Many of you guys will be extremely surprised to learn what is going through women’s minds.
My original questions will be in italics, my analyses will be in normal font, and Kryptokate’s responses will be in blocked quotes. I have edited some of her statements for brevity. You can view the entire thing in the comments at the linked post above.
I’m in my late 30s and have spent my life since age 16 going from one boyfriend to the next with basically zero time in between and every man I’ve ever been with has fallen madly in love with me, so those are my credentials.
This is exactly what I’m talking about when describing serial monogamy. Man and woman get monogamous, man falls head over heels in love with woman, everything is fine during NRE, then suddenly woman dumps man, man feels terrible, and woman quickly moves on to the next man. Serial monogamy. It’s evil. As such, I’m going to be brutal. Get ready.
Note that in her responses, she uses my original nomenclature for Alpha Males. So when she says “Alpha” she means Alpha Male 2.0. When she says “Needy Alpha,” she means Alpha Male 1.0.
Now for my questions and her answers:
1. At the beginning of the relationship, when these innocent beta males fall in love with you after having sex with you two or three times, do you explain to them that you’ll be dumping them in a few months (or a year or two at the most)?
This depends on what kind of guy they are. If they’re betas, no, of course not. It would be incredibly cruel and they will be horribly hurt and devastated. Since I have empathy, I can’t tolerate that.
So in other words, she’s deceptive. She goes along with the pretence that this will be a “serious” long-term monogamous relationship when she knows damn well that it will not be.
Telling them that she knows she’s going to dump their unsuspecting asses is “cruel,” so for some reason, being deceptive and then dumping them isn’t “cruel” either.
If they’re an Alpha, then yes I will tell them, but it doesn’t matter because they won’t believe it. I have straight-out told guys before, in the beginning, “I am a destroyer of men” and they just think it’s cute or funny or a challenge (until it happens to them).
I actually believe this. Alphas (of both types) have a tendency to think they’re Superman. (My arguments with pro-monogamy Alpha 1.0s over the years clearly demonstrate this.)
But at least in these instances, she’s being clear about her future intentions. If a woman is clear, and the guy is stupid or delusional, I blame the guy, not the woman. But if the woman isn’t clear, my blame rests with her.
If they’re a needy alpha, then no I would never tell them this because it would get a hostile, angry, and possibly violent or retaliatory reaction.
So again, she’s willfully deceptive with every guy except the teeny tiny percentage she thinks are non-needy Alphas (2.0s).
Just to head off an objection that I can hear coming: It’s true that when I get into a new FB or MLTR relationship with a woman, I don’t tell them everything I’m going to be doing with them on the very first date. But I do not lead them on by making them think we’re going to be A) monogamous, B) serious, or C) long-term partners.
That’s the problem I have with serial monogamy and monogamy in general. As I’ve said in my podcasts, the entire foundation of the relationship is based on deception.
But just to be clear, the same result with happen with any guy…it’s not just betas who will eventually be dumped.
Correct. She dumps them all. Nice.
2. When these men talk about getting married and having kids and stuff (and they usually do, because we’re talking about betas here), do you correct these men, telling them that this is never going to happen? Or do you go along with the Big Lie, and give them an “Oh yeah, it will be great!”?
I just stay totally non-committal and don’t respond one way or the other when they talk about marriage. I don’t encourage it or engage in it but I also don’t say “that will never happen.”
It will never happen, but she doesn’t tell them this. She’s being deceptive.
I might tell them I don’t want kids if I think they won’t get upset or hostile. As time goes on and they begin to press on the commitment/marriage issue, I will begin to reveal my cards and that’s when they will either go along with what I want (if they’re betas) or we will start having explosive arguments and breaking up (if they’re needy alphas).
I leave that one without comment.
3. Do you continue to have sex with your old boyfriend after getting a new boyfriend? (I already know the answer to this, which is usually “no”, but I still want to see how a serial monogamist woman answers this question.)
No of course not. This question doesn’t even make sense. Why would I continue having sex with my old boyfriend when the whole reason I leave him is because eventually I find it gross to have sex with him?
So when you get into a new relationship with a serial monogamist woman, at some point down the road she’s going to think that it’s “gross” to have sex with you.
By the way, married monogamous husbands know all about that one.
Isn’t monogamy nice?
4. Do you feel at all bad when you dump all these men? Most of whom not only loved you (or at least had strong oneitis for you) but also wanted a long future with you with marriage and kids and stuff?
Betas = yes I feel horrible. Literally lifelong horrifying levels of guilt that I will never truly get over. I have actually visited therapists and hypnotists to try to get rid of the guilt.
Again, doesn’t that sound nice? Serial monogamy is so much fun for everyone!
Generally it takes me months after I *want* to break up to build up the courage and harden my heart enough to actually do it. I care about them and it kills me to do it but what choice is there?
Oh, I don’t know, maybe not get monogamous and follow one of the other systems I recommend?
It eventually becomes too nauseating to continue having sex and pretending not to be disgusted.
I hope you guys with monogamous girlfriends are paying close attention. That’s gonna be you shortly.
5. Does it strike you as just a little odd when you’re introducing these men as your boyfriend to your parents and closest friends within the first six months knowing them that in another few months you’ll be doing the exact same thing with a new and completely different boyfriend? Do you ever have the thought, “I’d better hold off on introducing this guy to everyone in my life until he survives at least a year with me, that way I won’t look stupid to everyone when I dump the guy and then bring a new boyfriend over to the house.”?
Yes of course, it’s embarrassing and after enough time a woman like me just gets a reputation as being a man-eater who goes through men and your friends and family stop taking it seriously – they will make jokes about it or roll their eyes or whatever. They will probably feel sorry for the men, my parents actively pity any guy I date.
Sounds wonderful. For both of you.
Again, however, what exactly is the alternative here?
I think I already answered that question. This entire blog and all of my books are the alternatives.
I stopped bringing boyfriends to my annual work retreat years ago for precisely this reason, nor do I post any pics or evidence about new boyfriends on FB. But am I supposed to hide them from everyone in my life?
If I had your lifestyle? Yes.
But I wouldn’t have your lifestyle because I don’t do monogamy. Because, you know, I like to be happy. But clearly I’m insane.
That’s not practical and the guy will demand to be introduced to family/friends or get offended.
Yes. Better to continue the deception and fatten him up for the kill. Good point.
Another thing you’re not considering is that if all of my male acquaintances/friends don’t know I have a boyfriend, they will be actively trying to fuck me and that’s annoying. You’re forgetting that telecasting that you have a boyfriend is the best possible way to signal to other men that they shouldn’t hit on you.
Ha! As if your male friends suddenly stop trying to fuck you as soon as you get a boyfriend!
And I’ve already talked about how abusive friend zone is. So you’re a serial monogamous AND a friend-zoner. Great.
6. What about just dating for six months? Or a year? No boyfriend. Just dating around, hanging out with and/or fucking guys as you please. Not a lot of guys, just more than one. You know, enjoying life and putting in some numbers instead of being locked-down to just one needy guy. No drama, no rules, no big breakups, no hurt feelings, just sex, fun, 100% honesty with everyone, and enjoying yourself. And maybe, after playing around with a bunch of guys, you might even find one who will make a quality boyfriend you’ll actually want to stay with for longer than a year or two. Does doing this have any appeal to you at all? If not, why not?
This question shows where you’re confused. I would *love* to just date for six months or a year. But what you’re forgetting is that MEN WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS. I have never, in my life, met a single guy who I can have sex with who will not insist on monogamy and locking me down.
I understand. This is a real problem and I’m doing my best to educate these betas and Alpha Male 1.0s on how they can be with a woman in a setting which is conducive to happiness and freedom rather than into something that promotes drama and control, and sets a pain time-bomb that will go off sometime in your future.
I have literally gone out of my way to seek out scumbags and it still doesn’t matter. It’s in their nature to try to lock down women and if they sense that you’re less interested in monogamy than they are they will become obsessed with trying to block other men from your vagina. Therefore, this idea of just dating/fucking is a fantasy.
No it’s not. Plenty of women “date” and play the field. Plenty of women are polyamorous or are in open relationships. Plenty of other women don’t date men at all (though I don’t think that’s healthy).
You are correct regarding the problem but your answer to the problem is a cop-out and a lazy “solution.” As I’ve already said, you as a woman have many other options beyond serial monogamy. This is demonstrably true.
7. I know that because you’re a woman you automatically want to get monogamously married someday (even though it makes zero sense for you to do so, since you’ll hate it). So I’m not even going to argue with you on that. But when you want to settle down and have kids, do you seriously think you’re never going to get bored with him for the next 45 years straight? Even though you have a very steady and reliable pattern getting bored with men quickly? Or do you just plan on getting divorced a lot? What exactly is your long-term game plan and how do you plan on executing it with high odds of success? (Humorously, I could pose this exact same question to the typical player/PUA/manosphere guy too. But that’s another topic.)
I’ve already been married
Big shock. Seriously, I had a feeling that you already had done the serial monogamy marriage thing: getting married when you know it won’t work out but doing it anyway, then getting a divorce.
and yes I let my ex-husband convince me (during the NRE stage) that I could actually be long-term monogamous by pure force of will. By the time we were actually saying “I do” I was only half-way convinced.
Annnnddd bingo. I was right.
I’ve already demonstrated how modern day women know on their wedding day that the marriage won’t be forever and a divorce will be forthcoming.
It’s a shame so many men fall for this ruse.
At this point, I do NOT want to be married ever again. My “plan,” if I had my way, would be to live for the rest of my life with my platonic best friends (either male or female) and have them be my source of companionship and family, while fucking new guys every few months. Basically the Golden Girls model would be the ultimate old-lady life for me and seems way more fun than living with some old guy you can’t stand and have to listen to fart in bed every morning.
Sounds fine to me. Now if you could only do that without getting deceptive with men all the time…
However, society won’t let me do this (though I think in the future it will be the preferred way of living). Right now, almost everyone is universally horrified when I tell them that that is my preferred way of living *with the exception of smart women* who always understand why it would be a desirable arrangement. They are the ONLY people who don’t meet the idea with defensiveness, anxiety, or anger.
I know. It’s called Societal Programming.
But again, you say society “won’t let you do this.” You can do whatever the fuck you want. That’s the core concept you’re missing in all of your statements.
You don’t have to conform. As a matter of fact, conforming to Societal Programming eliminates the possibility for long-term, consistent happiness.
8. Do you have the same memorized speech you give these guys when you dump them? You’ve done it so many times I would assume it’s gotten pretty routine by now.
No of course not. I make up a different viable and personalized excuse for each guy which is custom-tailored to preserve his ego and dignity and emotions to the maximum extent possible.
Gentlemen? Paying attention?
9. How regimented are you about this? Do you actually have a serial monogamy “system” you could show other women the same way I have a system for nonmonogamy that I show men? Or are you just always flying by the seat of your pants, blowing in whatever direction your biology pushes you?
There is zero regimentation and the idea that a *system* is necessary is silly. Let me explain it because it is very, very simple: when you meet a new guy you’re attracted to, you get wet just thinking about him. After a while it takes making out to get you wet. A little while longer and *nothing* will get you wet except for direct stimulation of your vagina while you think about something else that turns you on. And then a little while after that and you will start to feel actively repulsed when he touches you or tries to kiss you and it will take a very strong force of will to not slap his hands away or snap at him out of visceral revulsion.
This above paragraph is the most accurate, well-written description of what monogamy is for a woman. It’s why the real divorce rate is over 64%, why 82% of divorces are initiated by women, and why 75% of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are terminated by the woman. It’s why we live in a society of fatherless children, alimony, child support, and relationship drama.
It really is a fantastic summation. I should engrave that paragraph on gold plaques and sell them to men as a constant reminder of how damn stupid it is to get into any monogamous relationship with a woman (unless that man likes drama, and I know some do).
You can rest assured that I’m going to be quoting that paragraph often in the future. Good stuff.
This will happen even though you think he is the most wonderful person you know and your best friend and you care about him more than anything. And you would do anything to jumpstart your vagina or be attracted like you used to. But it is a completely biological process and works on its own and has nothing to do with your thoughts or opinions or conscious desires. At the beginning of your relationship you will be dripping for him and aroused. Later it will take work to get you there. And still later, nothing in the world will get you there and that’s why there are a billion brands of lube sold (no one needs that in the beginning of a relationship).
Gentlemen? Still paying close attention to what she’s saying?
10. Why do you think you get bored with men so reliably and regularly? Any theories on why you’re like this? (I already know the answer to this question, because sexual boredom is a biological trait built into women. But again, I would love to hear her answer anyway.)
See above. It is purely biological. Also, after you have been with the same guy for a while and a new guy touches you, your physical reaction will be so volcanic that there is literally nothing to stop it. The longer you’ve been monogamous, the more extreme your reaction to a new man will be. After I was married for 5 years (far and away the longest period of monogamy in my life), the first time I hooked up with a new guy I was literally almost unconscious with arousal and desire. Wild horses will not stop your arousal once it is triggered by a new guy in this manner. Seriously. That is why women will blow up and burn down their entire life and it will just be because their vagina is on fire for a new guy and there is nothing they can do to stop it. See the scene in the movie Unfaithful where Diane Lane’s character is literally convulsing with desire for a dead-on portrayal of what it is like. For guys, I would suggest that the most intense and reactive sex they’ll ever have is with a married woman.
You’re getting gold here, Gentlemen. I don’t even need to comment.
11. Have you actually been in love with any of these guys? If the answer is yes, why did you still dump him so fast like all the other dudes? If the answer is no, why do you keep getting into serious relationships with men you don’t love?
I was in love with a few of them. Being actually “in love” makes zero difference as far as the biological mechanism that I described above. In fact I would say it makes for an even starker and more disturbing distinction when your attraction dies, which it will, and not even on a slower track.
Remember that the next time a woman tells you she loves you.
Also, I just want to say that the only reason that all women don’t do the above is that most aren’t attractive or smart enough to be able to.
Correct. I have said before that long-term monogamy has even lower odds of working if the woman is hot.
But that’s the only reason. But in the same way that a harem/polygamy is the ultimate expression of man’s unrestrained sexuality, serial monogamy that doesn’t last longer than a few months (maybe a couple years if they have a baby but that is it TOPS) is what all women would do if they were unrestrained.
Correct again. As I’ve been saying in the glossary for years, serial monogamy is women’s biological, preferred method of pair bonding. Love you and just you, then get bored with you, dump you, find a new man, and start all over again.
The only time a woman doesn’t do this is if she lives in a culture where this is not allowed, or if she is financially “stuck” with the guy (because of small children, lack of a job, etc).
Lots of women are so unattractive that they can’t be sure of getting a new guy so they will stick with their guy purely out of fear and no options. And lots of hot women are so dumb that they allow themselves to be fooled by religious/social conditioning so that even while they naturally enact what I’ve described above, they will never actually be AWARE of it, and they’ll make up all kinds of rationalizations. The tiny handful of very smart and also hot women I’ve known are gigantic man eaters and are absolutely aware of all of this though they will hide it from almost everyone. But you have to be hot enough to have lots of options and smart enough to figure out how to do what you want without inciting the wrath of men and society in order to actually pull it off. All women would if they could, usually only sexy/smart women will.
And sorry for any of you guys looking for some hope, but the hotter your girlfriend is, the more I can give you a 100% guarantee of her cheating on you. The only way to not be cheated on is to have a woman so ugly no one wants her, so dumb she will listen to you for a while (but she will also listen to another guy eventually so this is only a delaying tactic, not a solution), or to physically restrain/threaten her. Other methods work sometimes, such as fear of eternal damnation or social ostracism, but they’re not foolproof.
And that’s it folks. As I’ve often said, I don’t even need to make anti-monogamy arguments when those who are pro-monogamy, or at least reluctantly practice monogamy, honestly explain how it works in the real world.
If the system that Kryptokate is describing sounds good to you, then go for it. I’ll see you in about a year when you make a whiny post over here about how pissed off, needy, or depressed you are.
If the system she describes sounds shitty, then you might want to utilize the alternatives I described to her and in my books.
As always, the choice is yours. Choose wisely.