These days I’m only on my personal Facebook perhaps once a month, if that. When I do hop on and take a look, I consider it a fun tool for human examination. Drama, Societal Programming, and Obsolete Biological Wiring are all on display on Facebook. It makes for interesting scientific (and not-so-scientific) observations about human behavior.

The other day I was on there looking through the news feed of my FB friends, at least 30% of which are people I went to high school with. There was some positive stuff in there, but overall it was not a pleasant sight. Here are a few things I saw. As you read through them, please remember the context: these are not young dumb people. These are people I went to high school with, which means they’re all in their early 40s.

One woman I had some business classes with way back in high school was now a grown up, good-looking, single mother with a fiancé. Just a few months prior she had put “Engaged” as her relationship status and received all the usual ass kissing from everyone.

Well, today was a sad day. She had just moved her “last stuff” from his house after cancelling the engagement. Why? Because he cheated. The “level of his deception” was incredible, she said. She “couldn’t believe how she was duped.” Looking back through her last few status updates, she was very, very angry. Understandably so.

Another woman, a very sweet girl I had a few math classes with back in high school, was lamenting that is was a “horrific” day. Why? Her husband was moving his stuff out to go live with his mistress. Her marriage was over, and I have to admit her sadness touched me. She has three kids. I can only imagine what they’re going through.

Next was a guy I had in one of my math classes. His monogamous girlfriend of two years had just dumped him “out of the blue.” Like most men who get dumped, he was not only hurt, but confused and didn’t know why she left. “Everything was going great. Or at least I thought so,” he said. He was clearly in pain.

This was all from one quick glance at my Facebook news feed. These cases are in addition to a few other recent and real stories I could tell you about some of my other high school alumni. My doctor friend who got divorced two years ago and lost his practice in the divorce. One of my old weight-lifting buddies who was in the military and discovered his girlfriend was pregnant with his brother’s baby when he came back from his deployment.

I could tell you so many of these stories, and if you’ve been around as long as I have, I sure you could too.

I will re-iterate again that all of these people are intelligent, college-educated, successful people in their 40s, raised in good, two-parent, suburban homes. Moreover, they’re all good, honest people. None of them deserve this pain.

Alright, let’s forget about my social circle and get closer to you. I get emails from men all over the world, and have for many years. I’ve received emails from men who have defended their monogamous relationship or monogamous marriage with all the usual excuses. Things like: You don’t understand Blackdragon. That won’t happen to me. I’m an Alpha. I’ve had sex with 57 women. I know what I’m doing. I understand women. She’s not like that. She’s a Christian. Her parents are still married. She was raised in <some other country>. She’s only had sex with three other guys before me. Sex isn’t that important. You’re just pissed off you got divorced. Etc, etc. All the usual excuses I’ve heard before and I’m sure I will hear again.

The problem is many of these same exact men send me emails a few years later about the divorce they’re now going through, or the child custody battle they’re now suffering through, or the girlfriend or wife who’s suddenly dumped them or cheated on them.

Like my high school buddies, these men are, for the most part at least, intelligent, honest and good people. They don’t deserve this pain.

I’m Trying To Help

I realize that I write in a very harsh, blunt, sometimes arrogant tone. Guilty as charged. Because of this tone, sometimes people assume that I say what I say because I’m an asshole, or because I’m angry, or because I’m trying to act like a know-it-all. None of this is true. (Well, okay, maybe I’m a little bit of an asshole, but I’m not doing this because I’m angry or trying to make you angry.)

The reason I talk about things like long-term monogamy not working, or legal marriage being very dangerous, or assuming you’ll be with the same person for the next 40 years is a mistake, is not because I’m some big, jaded jerk trying to attack you, attack your relationship, or attack your personal choices.

Actually, it’s because I’m trying to help you. I’m trying to hopefully help you prevent all the pain and suffering the vast majority of people go through in regard to breakups, divorces, legal battles over kids, and cheating. And yes, the stats clearly show it’s the vast majority of people who encounter these problems whether you want to admit it or not.

I understand your negative reaction when I quote facts like this.  If you have a relatively new monogamous relationship (as in one year or under) with a person you really care for deeply, and then you read my stuff about how you’ll probably break up, get divorced, cheat, or get cheated on sometime down the road, then yeah, I understand why that would piss you off. I understand why you would take that as some kind of insult or personal attack upon you or your relationship.

I get it. I really do. The problem is when I relate factual, statistical, and biological realities about how human beings work, it’s not a personal attack upon you, even if it feels like it. Quite the opposite. I’m actually trying to help you. I know it doesn’t look like it or feel like it, but I really am.

I’m trying to get you to change your thinking just a little bit; just enough to prevent a bad breakup, a divorce, an affair, or a legal battle that will make you very unhappy.

I don’t want to see you unhappy. I don’t want to see anyone unhappy. I would love it if my Facebook feed was filled with nothing but people experiencing happy times, with great relationships built on honesty and real human biology instead of fear, scarcity, and false, quasi-religious Societal Programming that doesn’t work in the long-term in the real world.

By the way, I’m going to say something that may surprise you. If long-term monogamy actually worked, if 95% of the human population got married and NEVER got divorced and NEVER cheated, then I would be monogamy’s number one fan. Seriously. This Blackdragon Blog would be called the Blackdragon Monogamy Blog, and I would sing long-term monogamy’s praises and discuss various techniques on how to make your never-divorced-never-cheating-marriage work better.

I don’t have a personal vendetta against long-term monogamy, and I never have. I just know that the facts, stats, history, biology, psychology and science all very clearly show that human beings, men and women both, love to pair bond but absolutely hate long-term sexual monogamy, almost never do it, and never have. They either get divorced or cheat. (Remember I’m talking about long-term monogamy here, the kind expected to last past three years. I do admit that short-term monogamy a.k.a. serial monogamy can “work” for certain personality types.)

Whenever human beings in the Western world who are well under the age of 60 attempt long-term monogamy, the couple eventually either parts company, or at least one person in the couple gets sexual with someone else behind their partner’s back. I’m not saying these things will happen tomorrow or next month. It might take six months or three years or two decades, but the odds are overwhelming it will eventually happen. You know that’s true. I know that’s true.

If you live your life realizing this and admitting this to yourself, and structuring your life around these basic biological realities, you’ll live a happier life in the long-term. You’ll incur none or fewer of the massive life problems of drama, breakups, divorces, affairs, and/or legal battles that most other people have to eventually suffer through. Even if you do experience something like that, both the financial damage and emotional upset will be far reduced if you structure things correctly, such as getting an OLTR marriage instead of a TMM like everyone else.

One of the reasons I’m one of the happiest people I know is because I refuse to utilize systems in my life that don’t work, regardless of how badly other people in society think I should be using them. There are many popular-yet-completely-broken systems in our current society, but one of these is long-term monogamy. It doesn’t work, so I don’t do it. I do something a little different. But listen to this: I pair-bond just like you do. I get an emotional rush and experience the wonder of NRE just like you do. I fall in love just like you do. I just do it under a relationship structured a little differently. My relationships are built on honesty and human nature, instead of what religion, my friends, or my mom says is “appropriate.” That one key distinction makes a huge, positive difference in my level of long-term, consistent happiness. It’s not the only reason I’m really happy, but it’s definitely in the top three.

I want you to be happy too. I know that if you marry or move in with someone, promise absolute sexual monogamy, expect absolute sexual monogamy from that other person at all times, and expect that relationship to literally last for the next 40 years of your life, then the odds are overwhelmingly high that some point down the road you’re going to be very, very upset. You’re going to incur serious life problems that will likely takes years to overcome, if ever. I’m talking emotionally, financially, and with your current or future children. That’s not an insult against you. I’m just stating a fact that applies to all human beings in the Western world and in the modern era. Your odds of success under that system are ridiculously low, even if you’re intelligent, successful, experienced, educated, mature, and really love the person you’re now with.

I hope you remember all of this next time I say something that pisses you off, which I’m sure I will. I’m trying to help you. Honestly. I want you to be happy. Not just happy today or next week, but consistently happy for the rest of your life (as much as possible.) It’s a doable thing. You just need the strength to admit certain things about how men and women really behave in the real world.

Or, you can just keep right on being mad, call me a few names, write me off as some jerk on the internet, and get into an absolutely monogamous relationship that you expect to last forever. I hope it works out for you. I really do. I just know the odds are severely against it.

34 Comments on “I’m Not Trying To Piss You Off, I’m Trying To Help You

  1. “None of them deserve this pain.”

    -> They do.

    They may be “good” people in the sense of what society wants people to do. Like work your ass off and pay a lot of taxes. Get in debt and serve a lot of interest payments.
    But society or goverment are not the real rule-makers. Nature is.

    In the eyes of nature these people got exactly what they deserved.

    Lets look in detail: “Early 40s women + Moved out because he cheated.”

    As a woman in her early 40s you can still have a career and pay your taxes. But your fertile days are over or almost over. Your worth as a sex-partner is near zero and you have to try extra hard to pass the boner test. Even if you are still hot.

    All the make up (eye shadow, lip stick) or cloths (mini-skirt, high-heels etc) all have one purpose: fake the look of a woman who is most fertile/near ovulation.
    Women who are most fertile induce the hardest boners in men. A woman in her early 40s or later should be aware how low her sexual market value is. If she is lucky enough to find a new man who is willing to accept her now that her best days are gone and all he will get is her worst years….be thankful. Be happy you are not alone and treat your man like a king. If he wants a harem, be happy you are part of it or else it is solitude with cats for you.

    Next is Mrs “Her husband was moving his stuff out to go live with his mistress.” This case is harder. She did everything right becaus e she got 3 kids with a quality man while she was still young. Now the question is why does he move out? My guess is that she did stop maintaining her looks and let the sex-frequency in the relationship drop. Whenever i judge the health of any relationship my first quest is: “How often do you have sex per week”?

    This is for a reason. Sex is the number #1 cause for happy LTRs. Married or not, sex counts. The number #2 cause for a happy LTR is the looks of the FEMALE; if she comes with high heels and looks sexy it is much more likely she is respecting her man. I bet this woman failed in her duty to sexualy please her man.

    Who says “Sex is not that important” is dumb or a liar; maybe both. Chances are he is not getting enough sex and his/her hamster is working in overdrive.

    In the eyes of nature they all deserved what they got.

  2. How true. Well written. Agree 100% on all. I see same things amongst my friends in Hungary. Happily married at age 26/28, beautiful bride, kids few years later then divorce for the reasons you outlined. 100%.

    Regards,

    Zolly.

  3. Youre not an asshole BD, most just dont speak INTJ. I have the same issues.

    Have you read Plato’s Allegory of the Cave? Great stuff… Youre the guy that fought his way out of the cave (you call it prison in your book) and now you went back in the cave to explain this false reality or help others crawl out and no one will/can listen.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave

  4. They may be “good” people in the sense of what society wants people to do. Like work your ass off and pay a lot of taxes. Get in debt and serve a lot of interest payments.
    But society or goverment are not the real rule-makers. Nature is.

    Agree, but what I meant is that they are good people because their intentions are good.

    woman in her early 40s or later should be aware how low her sexual market value is. If she is lucky enough to find a new man who is willing to accept her now that her best days are gone and all he will get is her worst years….be thankful.

    Disagree completely. You’re not accounting for the millions of 40-something beta males who would love to marry or at least boyfriend-up these women.

    As long as a woman doesn’t get fat as she gets older (and I admit that’s a very big if) there are still bazillions of betas on Match.com who would gleefully marry/boyfriend her if given the chance.

    This is why I (partially) disagree with the manosphere concept of “sexual market value.” SMV does exist, but it’s not black and white. Just because a reasonably non-fat 45 year-old woman doesn’t have the sexual allure of a 21 year-old woman doesn’t mean her SMV is zero and she’s doomed to spinsterhood. She’s still plenty, plenty in demand.

    Have you read Plato’s Allegory of the Cave?

    Oh yes. Plato was a disturbing totalitarian but The Cave Allegory is the best thing he’s ever written in my opinion. Great stuff.

  5. I have to say,I really never thought after reading the title of this blog, I would be responding with this reply…I was pleasantly surprised. It truly wasn’t what I was expecting.
    I loved the small taste,you allowed us to see,
    Of a slightly different view BD.

    @maldek….wow (shakes my head) thank god for hypothetical planets.

  6. I do not get pissed. You do a good work. Despite my christian upbringing, I was a precocious teenager. I saw through things early in life. I saw my friends and acquaintances go through breakup after breakup. I saw the deceit and lies. All the pain. “Why? What’s the point?” I’d ask myself. Added to that– my parent’s marriage is not sunshine and rainbows. All I knew then was I wanted to avoid as much as what was in my power to avoid. I had high drama intolerance since I was a teen.

    It is probably why I’ve never been in a “relationship.” I’ve fell in love multiple times. I’ve spent time with wonderful boys and men but did not leap at the opportunity of being “the girlfriend.” I did not think I could tolerate all that came with it knowing well and good what became of those relationships. Part of me is thankful for it. I am not jaded, confused, and burdened with bad memories of the opposite sex.

    I hope to keep it that way as long as possible. I want the time I share with men to be a constant source of mutual joy. If it means building relationships society sees as “inappropriate” or illegitimate so be it. If it means staying “single” so be it. I will have peace in my life. Your site is a source of knowledge (and entertainment) for me.

  7. Great blog, BD. I question a few things though

    1. When you say people don’t deserve this unhappiness.

    In a previous blog, you mentioned how everyone in our lives, good or bad, is our fault. If we are the results of our actions and non-actions, haven’t they created this situation for themselves?

    2. You mention these people as being intelligent and educated

    If we willingly put ourselves into a system that does not benefit or even harms up so we can benefit another party, how intelligent is that person? My definition of intelligence is the ability to perceive your surroundings (critical thinking) our biases (EQ) and apply them accordingly. I realize that I’m commenting on people you know personally, and I am in no way attacking them. I just would like to know your thinking when you say these things.

  8. BD, I appreciate your agenda to help others — giving away valuable info which is not commonly found elsewhere, etc.
    Chances are you are ‘fighting an uphill battle’.
    I wonder if/when you will eventually feel rather burned out on this quest. I hope not. However that’s been my personal experience.

    It seems one is always surrounded by an abundance of individuals committed to their self-defeating behaviors & beliefs.
    This can be demoralizing when one wishes them more happiness than they have. Meanwhile many of them love to talk talk talk about their admirable intentions, as if that’s almost just as good as actually DOING what it takes to bring the results they want.

    Of course there is usually a ‘burn out factor’ (or many)in any long term endeavor of challenge, and the crucial factor for long term persistence is to keep getting rewards potent enough to mitigate the burn out element(s).
    So BD I really hope you will continue to find your philanthropic quest intrinsically rewarding enough to persist for years to come.
    You’re making a valuable contribution to good people who deserve more happiness.

  9. When you say people don’t deserve this unhappiness.

    In a previous blog, you mentioned how everyone in our lives, good or bad, is our fault. If we are the results of our actions and non-actions, haven’t they created this situation for themselves?

    Yes, they absolutely have, and it’s 100% their fault. I’m quite sure that if most of those people read this blog right before they got married or engaged or monogamous they would have scoffed with the usual “that won’t happen to me” and in some cases call me names.

    When I say they don’t “deserve” it is because they are generally good people with no evil intent, and that the price they pay is far greater than the crime. (The “crime” in this case is going along with failed societal models.)

    You mention these people as being intelligent and educated

    If we willingly put ourselves into a system that does not benefit or even harms up so we can benefit another party, how intelligent is that person?

    Because you and I both know piles of intelligent, educated, high I.Q. people who get monogamous and/or married and expect it to last forever with no cheating.

    Because you and I know some very intelligent and educated college professors who hold some of the stupidest and unrealistic political opinions in the world.

    Here’s a few names: Anthony Weiner, Bill Clinton, Dick Morris, etc.

    I could go on but you get the point, which is this:

    Very intelligent people often do very stupid things. High intellect often does not equal intelligent behavior.

  10. I wonder if/when you will eventually feel rather burned out on this quest.

    The answer is “partially.”

    As one example, a few months ago I stopped posting on public forums, since most people disagreeing with me were bringing up the exact same points I had already addressed a long time ago, often with those exact same people.

    I have noticed that in the last 6-12 months or so, as my time has become more valuable, I’ve started shifting more time towards helping men who “get it” and want to fix it rather than men (or women) who cross their arms and hold their irrational positions while staying in more limiting or higher-drama relationships or situations. This is aligned with my goal here: to help the 5%-10% of men who want to improve, and ignore the other 90-95% who are content staying where they are.

    Regarding continuing to post here: As I’ve said before, and will be saying again very soon in an upcoming post, my time horizon for this Blackdragon project is 15 years, and I started it in 2009, which means I’m only one-third into this thing. I’ll be posting at this blog for at least another nine years. So I’m not going anywhere. 🙂

  11. Hey Blackdragon!
    I totaly agree with you, that monogamous longterm relationship doesnt work. However i need to ask you what about when you get old realy old like 70-80? When you penis doesn´t “live” anymore, so you can not have FBs or MLTRS. However, if you don´t have a wife or children, then you will only have Friends, if they are also alive. To get to the point, I want to hear your opinion about having children, because you said that longterm relationship doesn´t work. Maybe i didn´t get your point in this blog, but I understood that you think that, if we shouldn´t marry, we olso shouldn´t have children.
    PS.: I like your point, where you said you reject systems, that doesn´t work!

  12. what about when you get old realy old like 70-80?

    OLTR. Or, if your penis literally doesn’t work and you don’t care to fix it (which you can), then monogamy. I have said many times before that after age 60, many of the rules change for a man. (Though they don’t have to.)

    However, if you don´t have a wife or children, then you will only have Friends, if they are also alive.

    Please read this post right here, especially items one and two.

    I never said don’t have kids. Kids are wonderful. Have all the kids you want. If you want detail on this, get my book which discusses how Alpha Male 2.0s can have kids.

    Maybe i didn´t get your point in this blog, but I understood that you think that, if we shouldn´t marry, we olso shouldn´t have children.

    NO. I’ve never said that, ever. You’re quoting Societal Programming, not me.

    Pair bond, live with a woman, have all the kids you can afford if you really want some. Just don’t get legally married and don’t get sexually monogamous (discreet OLTR). Those two things are not required to have or raise happy children. Again, read that link above.

  13. @maldek- I love how you blame the women for getting old but leave out the scenario where BD mentioned a male acquaintance that got cheated on. Maybe he shouldnt have been getting old either, what a loser. I mean men are the ones that get erectile issues as they age, maybe it was his fault. Or maybe he started balding or something. We cant go getting old now!

    Ill be 40 in two years and dont seem to have any issues with attracting men. So much for worrying about my smv.

    I think BD is probably right that monogamy doesnt really work nowadays. It really may never have. We love to idealize certain time periods, but the truth is probably that people were still not that monogamous even then, men or women. It was just kept more quiet.

  14. I think BD is probably right that monogamy doesnt really work nowadays. It really may never have. We love to idealize certain time periods, but the truth is probably that people were still not that monogamous even then, men or women. It was just kept more quiet.

    Correct. Even during times of low divorce, cheating was common and rampant.

    Human beings have never been long-term sexually monogamous. They were never designed for such a thing.

    Long-term pair bonding, yes. Long-term monogamy, no.

  15. BD, if you want me to raise my hand, ok, I’m one of the 5-10% who get it! 🙂

    I know you don’t need ass-kissing, but reading your blog made me realize that a lot of what I felt was screwed about relationships was really true. I did not read your book yet (bought it but had a problem with my credit card, my fault, I know) though I’m pretty sure that the info you put there is worth 1000 times it’s value.

    Your remarks about what society as a whole expects, and what really happens in real life are solid gold. As an INTJ myself, I do get shit faster and wayyy before people do, so to me the hipocrisy and the necessity to follow crappy rules are a big damn waste of my time. When it comes to women, I just wanna show them a good time and have a good time myself, nothing more. In fact it should be that simple anytime a guy and a girl hook up. But we know it’s not.

    Bottom line is, keep up the good work! Some of us do get what you’re trying to do.

  16. I think everything you wrote in this post is true. I also think that a good deal of the public support for the failed hard monogamy system is coming from women who want continued provisioning from beta suckers through the marriage trap. If so much of the male population were to become red pill I would think it fantastic but much of the female population may face a declining standard of living by no longer having the option of artificially increasing their net worth (and perhaps decreasing their work effort) by living off a beta provider as his wife or ex-wife.

  17. If so much of the male population were to become red pill I would think it fantastic but much of the female population may face a declining standard of living by no longer having the option of artificially increasing their net worth (and perhaps decreasing their work effort) by living off a beta provider as his wife or ex-wife.

    I will be addressing that exact point two blog posts from now.

  18. Keep up the good work, BD. I wonder if only INT types (I’m INTP) have the personality necessary to accept facts and reality even when they offend one’s ideals or go against cultural norms?

    I’ve been trying to spread many of the same messages you’re a proponent of for years, and very few people, if any, ever listen to me. Even though things always play out exactly as you’ve described. As I’ve stated elsewhere on your blog, and I know you agree, the *only* people who are capable of longterm monogamy in modern times are those who are either so sexually unattractive that they have no other options, or those with zero sex drive.

    Sadly, there is very little gratification in being able to say “I told you so.” And rather than appreciating it, most people just resent it when you’re always right.

  19. I wonder if only INT types (I’m INTP) have the personality necessary to accept facts and reality even when they offend one’s ideals or go against cultural norms?

    I don’t know about that. I’m INTJ, and I would have been hostile to this information when I was dating/engaged to my now ex-wife.

    It’s hard to say what would have happened if I’d been exposed earlier, but there’s a good chance I would have still thought I was special and that the stats didn’t apply to me. I was also carrying around a lot of religious baggage regarding sex and marriage that probably would have needed to be unpacked first.

    But that’s all anecdotal. It would be interesting to know if there are any studies on personality types regarding first/second marriages. A quick google search only turned up “relationship compatibility” results.

  20. I’m INTJ, and I would have been hostile to this information when I was dating/engaged to my now ex-wife….there’s a good chance I would have still thought I was special and that the stats didn’t apply to me.

    You it the nail on the head. Exactly correct.

    It’s not about personality styles, though that is a factor. It’s mostly about your current relationship situation.

    If I tell you that long-term monogamy doesn’t work, and you’re completely single, you’re probably going to agree with me, even if reluctantly. The same goes if you’ve been married and monogamous for 10 years and know all the usual problems with long-term monogamy or marriage.

    But if you’re in a relatively new relationship or marriage (i.e. well under three years), you’re going to get furious with me, tell me I’m all wrong, and likely even call me names. You’ll be like this until your relationship ends, then you’ll circle back around and admit that I was correct all along, again, even if you admit this reluctantly and/or angrily. This happens all the time.

    Surprisingly, people who are single, or in player mode, or have been married way past three years usually tend to agree with me. It’s almost always the new-relationship people who get angry and defensive.

    *only* people who are capable of longterm monogamy in modern times are those who are either so sexually unattractive that they have no other options, or those with zero sex drive.

    Pretty much, yes. And that’s a small percentage of the population, since even moderately ugly people can get laid, and most human beings enjoy sex to some degree.

  21. Blackdragon, what advice would you give to somebody who is NEW to your blog and in a fairly new (1.5 year) monogamous relationship, but FULLY understands and BELIEVES the realities you discuss. Besides the obvious, “stay away from marriage advice”, should they just ride it out until drama proceeds and then move on to an MLTR/OLTR relationship set up you talk about?

  22. Blackdragon, what advice would you give to somebody who is NEW to your blog and in a fairly new (1.5 year) monogamous relationship, but FULLY understands and BELIEVES the realities you discuss.

    That depends on how well everything’s going.

    If you’re putting up with regular drama and/or you’re not allowed to do things you’d like to do, I’d either immediately next her or tell her flat out that I was going to start having sex with other women on the side.

    If you’re free to do whatever you like (other than sex other women of course) and your GF is a sweet little angel and never gives you drama, then I would ride it out until it ends, then go MLTR/OLTR in my next relationship.

  23. I’m a woman, and I love this Blog. Well done. 🙂 Personally, I think the best way to deal with cheaters is to “force” them to live their boring, mundane, monogamous lifestyles until they can’t stand it anymore. Then maybe they’ll have the balls to be honest with themselves and their partner and either ditch the traditional marriage ideal or get divorced. I know someone who confessed his cheating to his wife, went to marriage counseling with her (paid for it himself), and then went back to cheating on her with the same person shortly after. They have a 2-year-old child. Some people just don’t learn. You can’t keep doing the same tried and failed thing over and over, expecting different results. Toxic..

  24. I know someone who confessed his cheating to his wife, went to marriage counseling with her (paid for it himself), and then went back to cheating on her with the same person shortly after. They have a 2-year-old child. Some people just don’t learn.

    I betting he never had 100% intention of stopping the cheating. He likely went to marriage counseling to get his wife to stay with him as a pacifying gesture. Men cheat, but they never want the woman to leave either, particularly married men with kiddies.

    But yeah, it’s toxic.

  25. That sounds pretty right on to me. 🙂 It’s actually the second time the wife has taken him back. THE SECOND TIME. Still calls him the “love of her life”. Talk about a major Disney complex going on here. And don’t even try to tell him he’s making the wrong choices in his life. He gets all mad and defensive. I understand guys enjoy being right all the time 😉 , but I think deep down, this one knows he’s doing the wrong things. I’m pretty sure that marriage isn’t going to last much longer..

  26. Monogamy- You spend more time worrying and wondering what the other person is doing rather than actually loving them. You spend more time policing them than pleasing them. You’re not allowing them to be completely free to be themselves and do the things they truly want to do. All you’re doing is trying to get them to conform to this “perfect” yet unrealistic ideal of the person YOU want them to be….A.K.A. “THE ONE”. You are merely “loving” them through the filter of your own personal values. Doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship model at all, in my opinion.

  27. It’s breaking down the individual to a statistic. I can’t accept that. Are we all just robots that obey cause and effect, flowing like a line of dominoes, with no will our ability to influence our programming?

     

    Because if that’s the case, life is meaningless. But I don’t think that is the case. The idea of sex is fun to me, but it’s hardly the most important thing. all I want right now is a companion through life, and I’m sure there are girls who want the same thing. You can say that the odds are against me, but so be it. I don’t want to sleep around with a bunch of women. That just has no appeal to me.

  28. Are we all just robots that obey cause and effect, flowing like a line of dominoes, with no will our ability to influence our programming?

    No. Read this.

    The idea of sex is fun to me, but it’s hardly the most important thing. all I want right now is a companion through life, and I’m sure there are girls who want the same thing. You can say that the odds are against me, but so be it. I don’t want to sleep around with a bunch of women. That just has no appeal to me.

    Paul, you’re a 24 year-old virgin. I thought that way when I was an inexperienced virgin too. It’s called Guy-Disney.

    Once you actually have sex with a few women, you’ll think very differently about this.

  29. Hey, Paul…what if you get married one day and eventually start feeling love/attraction for another (amazing) woman besides just your wife?  What do you do?  Suppress your feelings and give this other woman the axe?  Ditch the wife you love?  Or cheat?  Every couple should discuss these LIKELY potential scenarios before they commit to each other.  Like Blackdragon has said, promising long-term sexual monogamy (especially for life) is a very bad idea.  Expecting only ONE person to fulfill ALL your emotional and sexual needs “forever” is completely unrealistic…and almost abusive.

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