Online Dating and Location
(Thanks to Jay for bringing this topic up.)
Today is something I have never discussed in detail. This is the regional differences you will encounter that will negatively or positively affect your online dating success.
Obviously, most of my online dating experience has been in the areas where I’ve lived, which is in the Seattle / Portland area. Regardless, for over six years now I’ve talked to hundreds of men all over the Western world regarding online dating, either via my newsletter or my online dating profile critiques, and I’ve gleaned a lot of interesting information regarding the differences in online dating men run into in different cities and regions.
A few examples off the top of my head:
- When I started talking to guys in the bay area (San Francisco, Oakland, San Jose, etc), I noticed very quickly that women online there were much more demanding than was I accustomed to in the Pacific Northwest. Guys hitting online dating hard in the bay area had to learn to put up with and navigate through more demands, shit testing and I-am-woman head-tossing from women online.
- As I’ve talked about before, as a (very) white guy, I’ve always had real trouble going after black women. Latina women are workable but also a challenge. However, in talking to white guys who live in the south (Georgia, Tennessee, etc), these men had no problem at all with the black ladies, pulling them online just as easily as white women. The difference is amazing. (FYI, Seattle is the number five whitest city in the US, and Portland is the number one whitest city; that may be related to problem. Check out some really interesting recent charts right here regarding the racial makeups of US cities.)
- I’ve noticed from men in more right-wing, conservative cities like Dallas, older guys pulling younger women is much easier than it is in the very left-wing area I live. I date younger women all the time, but when bringing a new woman into the fold I have zero margin for error and must do everything right. These older guys in more Republican areas seem to have a much easier time with the younger ladies.
- In certain eastern cities like New York and Chicago, the amount of female “serial daters” seems to be higher than in other areas of the country/world. As compared to where I live, men in these cities seem to have an easier time getting first dates from online dating sites, but have a harder time turning these dates into fast sex. There are more women in these cities accustomed to platonic window-shopping for men by going out on lots of first dates and getting free food, drinks, and attention.
- Let’s get out of the United States for a minute. In talking to many men in Australia, it’s clear those Australian women are REALLY horny. Once they have a new woman out on a date, guys in Australia don’t seem to have to work nearly as hard as us Americans to get to sex quickly. Moreover, an unusually large percentage of the sex-positive email I get from women tends to be from, you guessed it, Australia. It’s quite clear to me that Australian women have less ASD than American ones. (Damn…I really need to get to Australia in 2015; I keep putting that off.)
I could go on and on, but you get the point. Women are different in different places, and this can affect your online dating results…for the worse or better.
Now granted, you will probably be unaware of the problems or advantages of women online where you live unless you move to a different city. If you never move, it’s likely you’ll never realize the good (or bad!) you have on POF, OKC, Match, Tinder, or whatever as compared to other men in other cities. But if you do ever move, you might be in for a shock. I was working with a guy earlier this year who lived in New York and had no problem whatsoever getting laid online. Then he moved to San Francisco, and with the exact same profile, pictures, openers, and messaging approaches, everything was suddenly ten times harder. He had to really, really bust his ass just to get a few dates. Eventually he made it work, but he had to completely re-adjust much of his online game technique to do so.
If you have no trouble getting laid with online dating right now, or move somewhere and suddenly find that it’s much easier to do so, then you probably don’t need any help from me today. But if you are having trouble based on your area, or move and suddenly find online dating more difficult, here’s what you should do to get your results back up.
1. Listen to what the women are are telling you and make some adjustments. For example, if you move from City A to City B, and suddenly women are balking much more often when you pitch a first date quickly, this probably means that women in your new city take a little more rapport time online before they agree to a first date. No problem, bounce her off the dating site and get her onto some other form of communication, like texts, email (for women over 35), Facebook (for women over 24), Snapchat or Kik (for women under 24), WeChat (for Asians), or similar.
Have some banter there, then strongly but nicely pitch the first date again. Plan on first date-closes taking a little more time in your new city.
Here’s the deal though. Don’t move to City B, have two or three women balk at first date pitches, then suddenly declare that all women in your city are bitches and that “online game doesn’t work here.” I’ve seen men do this and it’s a big mistake. Regardless of what city you live in, as long as it’s a decently-sized Western city I promise you there are guys in that town of your age and race who are getting laid very easily from online dating.
What I’m talking about here is if you get multiple women, many in a row, suddenly giving you the same complaint. Two or three women isn’t “multiple” in this context. If 15 women complain about the same thing in your new town, then you’re probably onto something real and need to make some adjustments.
2. Observe some profiles of men your age in your new city and see if there’s a distinct difference in look. It’s possible you may look odd or out of place in your new city. This is particularly true if you’ve changed countries as well. Many American men who move to Europe are surprised at how metrosexual clothing styles are there as compared to the US. If you’re from New Jersey you probably wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a cowboy hat, but if you move to the south your online dating response rates will often increase if you put one on.
I’m not saying be a total clown and dress up in some fake shit you’d never wear in real life. I’m saying that if your response rates plummet in your new city when in your old city they were fine, the most likely reason is that the look in your photos is off based on the “look” of people in your new city, and possibly the “pickyness” of the women who live there.
3. Test the opposite tonal approach in the new city. If you were very cocky and funny online in City A, switch it around and be cool and calm in City B, and see if there’s a difference in results. Or perhaps try mysterious and romantic. Or if you were mysterious and romantic in City A, be more cocky and funny in City B. You get the idea.
Certain vibes that might work in Washington DC or Chicago won’t work well if you move to the Bible Belt and vice versa. I’m talking here about the vibe both in your profile text and in your online messaging to women (online and over texts).
4. Scrap your photos and profile and start all over. I do this regularly anyway. Often it makes sense to chuck everything, get a whole new round of photos taken, and re-do your entire profile from scratch.
By the way, don’t forget I said photos. Lots of guys tell me that “I tried it with an entirely different profile and had the same problem!” when in fact they changed their profile but didn’t change their photos. Photos, as I’ve said before, are at least 80% of the success of your profile. So you didn’t “try a new profile” if you’re using the same old photos.
5. Worst case scenario, forget online game and go to daygame or social circle game instead. Online dating is hands-down the most time-effective way for the busy man to get laid. Yet, while I’d love to say that online game works everywhere, that’s factually untrue. There are some circumstances when online dating isn’t a viable option. For example, I’ve said before that guys who live in towns with populations of fewer than about 300K-400K shouldn’t bother with online game at all. You simply won’t have the proper amount of numbers to work with.
If that’s the case, forget the dating sites and go learn daygame, or if your town is really small, get really good at discreet social circle game. I’ve noticed that guys who get laid a lot in really small towns tend to be social circle game wizards.
Another variation for guys who live in small towns is to suck up the gas costs and do all of your dating in the nearest large city, even if that requires 2-hour drives and the occasional hotel room. I hate spending money like that so I personally would just move, but that’s me.
And speaking of moving, as I always say, if where you live really, really sucks, then MOVE, and don’t give me the usual boo-hoo excuses. If you have to stay in your shitty town for work for a while, then fine, but make specific plans to move to a bigger, easier city by a specific date.