Long Distance Relationships
Complicated topic today. Get ready to do some serious critical thinking.
Long distance relationships. Good? Bad? Workable? Not? Get ready to be pissed.
Definition of a “Long Distance Relationship”
First, as always, we need to get our definitions straight. The way I define a “long distance relationship” or “LDR” is the following:
Carrying on an extended sexual relationship with a woman who lives beyond a distance to your home easily traversed by car.
When I say “easily traversed by car,” I admit we get into a grey area. Every man is going to have a different opinion on what that means. For some men, a two-hour driving distance is fine. For others, four hours might be acceptable. It’s a matter of opinion.
I personally have always maintained my 50-minute rule. I refuse to open any woman who lives longer than 50 minutes away from me by car. However, if she lives 2-4 hours away by car, and she’s willing to drive to me (I will not drive to her) and she’s not expecting me to pay for her gas every time (because perhaps she has other reasons to visit my area), then that’s fine. As a matter of fact, I have a woman in my life right now who does that. She makes the trip when she can, and I don’t pay her a thing. Fine with me. Part of my 50-minute rule is that any distance beyond the 50-minute maximum is 100% her problem, not mine.
Again though, women within car distance is not what I’m talking about today. LDR in this article means that a car is not an option. In order to see each other, one of you is going to have to get onto a plane or train.
Now that we have that definition straight, let’s discuss…
Monogamous Long Distance Relationships
What is the single dumbest thing people do in relationships?
Get married without a prenup? Get serious with people they shouldn’t be serious with? Get serious too fast?
Nope. That’s all dumb, but it’s not the dumbest thing.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. The single dumbest thing people do in relationships is this: Getting into a long distance relationship that is expected to be monogamous.
That’s right. Monogamous LDRs are literally the single, most stupid thing human beings do in their relationship lives. Having a serious LDR with a person for months or years and expecting that person to never be sexual with anyone else while you’re away for that long…I mean seriously, how dumb are you?
Unless you both have ridiculously low sex drives, this will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER work. At least one of you will cheat, if not both of you, guaranteed. (Unless the relationship is very short.)
By the way, it doesn’t matter if you have a good reason for the long distance.
For example, I have a lot of friends who are military guys. I respect the hell out of these guys and think they’re awesome beyond belief. However when it comes to LDRs, guys in the military are embarrassingly naive. They marry some cute, young, hot chick, then go away for 15 months. They’re in the military so they have to and they have no choice; that part is fine. What’s not fine is when they come back, they’re always shocked, shocked! that little Miss Perfect had sex with someone else while they were deployed.
Then they always lose it and pull their hair out. Drama, screaming, drama, drama. Sometimes physical violence too.
Well what the hell did you expect, dude? This happens constantly, regularly, over and over again, and I’m always amazed at how otherwise reasonably intelligent men are surprised by this. Is normal human behavior such an alien concept to you?
“Hey man, fuck you! She promised!” Yeah, yeah. Don’t be a moron. You probably “promised” too. Then why were you getting a blowjob in your tent in Iraq by that female MP? Yeah. See how this works, Mr. Hypocrite?
So that’s rule number one: Long distance relationships that are expected to be monogamous are the single dumbest thing people do. Never, ever, ever agree to a relationship like this. Human beings need sex. If it’s long distance, you should be allowed to fuck other women, AND you should not be surprised or upset if she fucks other guys while you’re gone. Don’t like that? Then either don’t do LDRs or only do open LDRs, with whatever ground rules you and her determine in advance.
Honestly, normal monogamy is stupid and destructive enough. Don’t go full-retard by making the monogamy long distance, even if you think you have a “good reason.” Jesus.
Alright, so what about LDRs that are not monogamous?
Open / Poly Long Distance Relationships
To discuss nonmonogamous LDRs, we have to be aware of our three relationship types: FB, MLTR, and OLTR, all of which are described in the glossary. The validity of an LDR depends almost entirely on the relationship type.
FB LDRs are wonderful. I highly recommend them for everyone. I have a few inconsistent FBs in a few different cities across the US, so when I visit those places often it’s fun time if schedules allow.
FB by definition is very casual, so that means you don’t care what she’s doing. You also don’t care if it’s months (or even years) between the times you see her. It also means she’s not serious enough for you to warrant spending money just to fly out to see her (or flying her to see you). All of these parameters make for a great LDR. So FB LDRs = good. Do them. Having five or six FB LDRs will make you a very happy man.
MLTR LDRs are not recommended. Yes, you can do them and yes, they are possible, but just because something is possible doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
OLTR LDRs are effectively impossible for the same reasons. (Unless you’re constructing a relationship that is very bizarre and well beyond the scope of what I normally discuss here.)
I have never had an MLTR or OLTR LDR and never will. You shouldn’t either. Here’s why:
1. It’s difficult to maintain a real connection with a woman if you can’t physically touch her on at least a semi-regular basis, meaning once a week or close to it. Phone sex, chat sex, video-Skype sex and all this other crap is complete bullshit and is only for beta males who cant get laid, at least in my opinion. If you’re going to do it because one of you is on a temporary trip for a week before they return, then that’s fine if you really want to do it. But doing this over the long haul of a relationship? Um, no.
Why do this when there are several hundred thousand other women within your age range and hotness requirements within your own town you could be having real sex with? It makes absolutely no sense and smacks of strong oneitis.
2. Any LDR with a woman beyond an FB means that someone is going to have to hop on a plane or train and travel somewhere on a regular basis. That means someone is going to have to pay for that. As the man, that “someone” is probably going to be you, and that’s bullshit.
I’ll say it again: Why pay for a woman’s plane/train tickets on a regular basis when there are women just as hot/cool/smart as her right down the street? Unless your answer is “I’m a pussy with oneitis,” then you have no rational answer to that question.
I’ve already talked about when to spend money during the seduction phase, and soon I will be making a blog post about when to spend money during a relationship. So I don’t want to get too much into this topic today. But the bottom line is that it makes no sense to spend thousands of dollars on transportation costs just to have sex with a particular woman on a regular basis. The only bizarre exception to this rule I can think of is if you are worth more than $10 million and live in some distant, remote area where there are literally no women.
3. It’s damaging to your mental state. Maintaining a serious (MLTR, OLTR, or mono) LDR over a prolonged period of time is going to increase your scarcity mentality and damage your outcome dependence. Very, very bad.
I know men like this. They have become so accustomed to serious LDRs that they start to think that “the only cool women are far away” and “the only way I can get laid are with women far away.” GROSS! I can’t begin to tell you how destructive this is to your frame, game, self-esteem, confidence, outcome independence, masculinity, and overall happiness levels. It’s terribly dangerous. If you simply limit yourself to FB LDRs only, you’ll never have this problem.
To be clear, I’m only talking about ongoing relationships here. I’m not talking about if you or your special girl goes on vacation or business trip for three weeks and then comes back. That’s perfectly fine. I am also not talking about one or two night stands you have when you travel. Those are fine too, and I’ve certainly had my share of those just like any other Alpha.
I am also not talking about those of you who live in two places. Some of you guys go back and forth between two locations, alternating every two weeks to several months. I consider these circumstances as unusual exceptions to the rule and don’t really apply that to long distance relationships as I describe above, provided you aren’t paying for plane tickets to fly yourself or her around just to see each other.
I know I’m going to get a lot of disagreement about this. Guys have gotten really good at defending long distance relationships. Some love to defend why it’s a good idea to have a serious relationship with a girl 2000 miles away and spend $600 on plane tickets every time they want to have sex with her. You guys make me cringe. Hell, it made me cringe just to type that shit. But hey, as always, it’s your life, and you need to make your own decisions. But what I said above about damaging your frame still stands. Do what you will.
Want over 35 hours of how-to podcasts on how to improve your woman life and financial life? Want to be able to coach with me twice a month? Want access to hours of technique-based video and audio? The SMIC Program is a monthly podcast and coaching program where you get access to massive amounts of exclusive, members-only Alpha 2.0 content as soon as you sign up, and you can cancel whenever you want. Click here for the details.