Funny Events From My Relationship Life
Something fun and light today. Below are a few random, interesting, humorous events that have happened to me over the last (almost) eight years I’ve experienced as a nonmonogamous Alpha. Everything below is 100% true to the best of my recollection. They are listed in no particular order.
One thing I always preface with whenever I tell woman stories: some of the very best stories I have I can’t tell you. They’re just too crazy, or people wouldn’t believe them, or I made promises to keep them a secret, or too many people would get in trouble (not me, other people). So any story I tell publicly about any woman ever is usually a runner-up to the best stories. It’s just the way it is; some of you more women-experienced guys know what I mean.
Here we go:
Back when I was still perfecting my system, but was at the point where I was getting pretty good, I was on a third date with a cute 23 year-old. We were walking downtown and no one was around. I tried to get sexual and she resisted. It was at least the third or fourth time she had resisted any physical intimacy on all three dates, yet she still wanted to hang out with me.
In a very stupid move of verbalization that I should never have done, I said, “When a woman doesn’t get sexual by the third date with a guy, that means one of three things. Either she likes him but doesn’t want to go too fast for whatever reason…” She looked at me blankly. “Or she just wants friend zone…” She looked at me blankly. “Or she’s already fucked another guy and now she doesn’t know what to do with the first guy.” Her face suddenly turned bright red and she made a nervous laugh. “How do you KNOW this stuff?” she asked, still laughing nervously.
We never had sex.
I’m In Love
One time on a second date with an older blonde (I think she was 40), she was telling me about how, in her next marriage, they were going to rent a cheap apartment downtown. There, her future husband would be allowed to go have sex with other women all he wanted down there as long as he “didn’t bring it home” and was “home by six.”
Oh, sweet irony. Little did she know who she was talking to.
I was drooling as she was speaking and fell in love with her pretty much instantly. It didn’t work out; she had too many gold digger tendencies. But if she hadn’t, she would have rocketed to OLTR status faster than any other woman in Blackdragon history.
A Daring Risk
I once had an FB who was…older, to say the least. As in, over 50. (Thus far she’s the oldest woman I’ve ever been with.) She had wonderful genetics so she still looked great. As I always say, I’m extremely attracted to older women as long as they don’t have the usual over-33 ASD problems.
For some reason, she never wanted to take her shirt or bra off during sex. Not that I cared, but finally one day I told her I “had to see them.” She was very nervous, concerned that she was older and if I didn’t like them I would never be attracted to her again.
I made her a deal. I said she should show me them for just a few seconds, and if I really didn’t like them, I would simply put her bra back on, never bring it up again, and we would continue as we always did. I meant it. This convinced her.
As she slowly removed her bra, I’ll admit I was nervous. What if they looked like disgusting old-lady tits? Saggy bags? Golf-ball-in-a-sock? Yikes! I started to shudder at the possibilities. Maybe I should have stayed ignorant.
She removed her bra to reveal…two breasts that were among the nicest and perkiest I had ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot. Seriously; she was medical marvel. They were real too. I whooped with joy and was all over them.
It was a good day. Cue the never-judge-a-book-by-its-cover lesson.
That Awkward Moment
Years ago I had one of my younger women in the car with me. She was 18 at the time and a freaky deeky bee-otch. I was driving to drop her off somewhere, when I suddenly realized I had to go pick up my son, who was also 18 at the time, for a completely different reason I had forgotten about. As a rule, I always keep my kids away from my women, so I racked my brain trying to figure out a way to drop her off before I picked him up, or to have someone else pick him up.
I don’t remember the details, but I was unable to do it. So with my teeth gritted, I told little miss 18 year-old to be on her best behavior in the presence of my son. She winked at me and said, “I saw that picture you have of your son on your desk. He’s hot!”
As soon as my son entered the car, she immediately got flirty with him. Fortunately she was in the front seat and he was in the back, so there was a phsycial barrier. I drove as fast as I could to her destination to kick her ass out of the car. It wasn’t fast enough. That awkward moment when your 18 year-old FB is flirty with your 18 year-old son. Ah, Alpha Male problems…
Once I told one of my Russian women to talk dirty to me during sex in Russian. I told her she was free to say whatever she wanted, even negative things, because I don’t speak the language. She responded, “Ugh I will never do that! That’s what they do on the Sopranos! Make their Russian hookers speak Russian during sex! Ohhhhhh no!”
One time I made out with a cute 29 year-old blonde who, though I didn’t realize it at the time, was a female bodybuilder. Have you ever grabbed a woman’s ass in the throes of passion only to realize it’s hard-rocker than your own ass? It was like trying to squeeze a bowling ball.
Yeah. A little bit of a turn off. I like my women just a little squishy. Cute face though.
Two 18 year-olds I was seeing came to me one day, asking to throw a big party at my house. Of course I said hell no. They started pleading their case and negotiating with me. Suddenly one turned to the other and said, “Oh my god. This is just like trying to convince your dad of something.”
There was once a woman I was messing around with for about two weeks who had a very interesting problem. Whenever we made out we slobbered all over each other. When we were done we seriously had to wipe our mouths with our sleeves. It was as gross as it was interesting. I have made out with a lot of women in my day, numbering well into the triple digits, and I had never had this problem with any other woman, nor had it since. For some reason, the way she kissed and the way I kissed were completely incompatible.
She finally broke up with me over texts saying I was a great guy and she was really attracted to me but the slobber was just too much. I was thinking exactly the same about her, agreed with her completely, and wished her well.
All Backed Up
I once had a MLTR, a very attractive blonde, who would never go “number two” in the presence of any other human beings within her general vicinity. She had this weird phobia about it. Whenever I was over at her place, if she had to go, she literally held it until I left, even if it was hours later.
It was really bizarre since she was completely normal other than this one weird trait. I actually had to start telling her on texts before I came over to make sure she “took care of business” before I arrived (and hopefully took a shower right after). Not the most romantic texts you want to be sending, but hey, ya gotta do whatcha gotta do.
It’s Always the Crazy Ones
I had several dates with a cute blonde in particluar (notice a pattern here? I like blondes). She seemed completely normal until I got her back to my place and she got comfortable with me. Then she started talking about FEMA death camps that the US government was secretly building and how the world was run by lizard people. She was not making a joke. She was dead serious.
I just did what I always do when a hot chick says something insane. I just nodded thoughtfully and said “Um hm” while staring at her tits. As she continued going on about the Lizard Illuminati, I was thinking, “Okay, now you’re officially in the FB category, sweetie.”
She was fantastic in bed by the way. Why are the craziest ones often the best ones in bed?
One of my long-term Asian girls would constantly screw up her English language in hilarious ways. Every time I had to correct her we both ended up laughing. Here are a few examples, and imagine a thick Asian accent as you read them:
She brushed her hair and said, “I need air conditioning.” Translation: She needed more hair conditioner for her shower.
She saw a stuffed pinata at the store (you know, those colorful Mexican horse-things you smash and get candy from?) and said, “Oh, cool! I want that pina colada!”
Once during sex I said, “That’s so hot!” and she replied, “Turn on your fan.”
She once saw I had a lot of dirty dishes in my sink and commented on it. I said I didn’t know how to wash dishes. She screamed, “You put water, bitch!”
Over time, I often repeated that catch phrase to her and her friends in order to identify her. It still makes me laugh to this day.
A woman was once taking a shower at my place. She grabbed one of my towels, and started freaking out and screaming when she found “another woman’s bikini” wrapped in it. The bikini belonged to my daughter, who was nine years old at the time.
Needless to say, her little outburst got her an instant soft next.
Lesbians Are Awesome
One long-term MLTR I had, a redhead in her late 20s, had lots of lesbian friends and often liked to go to lesbian bars. She always wanted me to come along. Being an introvert, I said no forever. Finally I relented and went. I was surprised to discover that lesbians are some of the coolest people to hang out with when you’re a guy. They’re tornadoes of drama to each other, but being a dude none of that affects you.
We went out and I had a great time watching the ugly butch lesbians hit on the slightly less-ugly, more feminine lesbians at this huge lesbian dance club. They also had the best jalapeno poppers in town and I became a huge fan of the place pretty much for that reason. My MLTR, being heavily bisexual, would also get turned on by some of the “cute” (her words, not mine) lesbians she flirted with, making sex great for me that night.
We ended up doing this several more times. I had a great time and learned a lot, making lots of notes regarding female behavior.
This one is one of my personal favorites and still makes me smile even though it happened many years ago. I was seeing a super hot woman, a personal ten. Blonde, beautiful, petite, trim, feminine, with big tits and ass. It was the second (or third?) date, and I went to pick her up at her place. We had sex only once by that time. I’ll call her “Suzi.”
She lived in one of those secured apartments where the person has to buzz you into the building. I buzzed her apartment, and a man answered the phone. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Hi! Is Suzi there?
Him (suddenly angry): Who is this?
Me (happy voice): It’s Blackdragon! Who is this?
Him (his voice getting sterner): Uh, this is her HUSBAND.
Me: Really? Suzi’s married huh?
Him: Uh, yeah she is!
Me: Awesome! Congratulations! And you might want to ask your sweet little angel what she does in her spare time when you’re not around. You should probably tell her to get that little mole on the side of her ass looked at too. Bye!
Then I turned around and left.
Later she sent me frantic texts about how she was “so sorry” blah blah blah. The problem was her husband (who she had told me was her “ex” husband) was a roided-out thug with a criminal record. So I reluctantly had to hard next. It’s never fun nexting a personal ten, but the world is full of personal tens. If one doesn’t work out, you can always go get more.
That’s all for today. Don’t get me wrong; these are the weird women. The vast majority of women I’ve had in FB and MLTR relationships have been perfectly normal. Don’t judge my typical woman based on the oddball stories above. I could tell you about all the “normal” women in my life, but stories about women being awesome and low-drama probably aren’t going to entertain you.
Feel free to add your own funny situations from your own relationship or dating life in the comments. I know a lot of you have many of these.