Once upon a time there was a beautiful maiden named Red Riding Hood, so called for her blood red hood and cloak she regularly donned. One day she went to her mother, telling her she desired to deliver some Taco Bell to her ailing grandmother, who lived alone in the deep woods.

“Very well,” said her mother, “But remember to stay on the path and never deviate, my daughter, for the woods are filled with great peril.”

Red Riding Hood happily agreed and promised to obey her mother’s warning. After filling her basket with Double Decker Taco Supremes (her grandmother’s favorite) she ventured into the forest, singing a happy tune, being ever sure to stay on the path.

In time, Red Riding Hood was spied by a foul beast who lived within the forest, an ancient shapeshifting Werewolf. At viewing her young skin, blonde hair, and bouncing bosom from his hiding place, the desire to devour her overcame him.

Using the dark magic within him, he changed shape into a fair maiden himself, with raven-dark hair. Clearing his throat and attempting to speak as a fair maiden would, he strode out onto the path and called out to Red Riding Hood.

“Like, OMG,” said the “maiden”, “Your hood is like soooooo cute! Where are you going?”

“I go to my dear grandmother’s,” replied Red Riding Hood innocently, sensing no deception, “To bring her Taco Bell during her time of sadness in her old age.”

“OMG!” said the maiden in false shock, “Your tacos will get hella cold by the time you get there. There’s another Taco Bell just off the path over there. You could get some fresh tacos that won’t be cold and soggy when you get to your grandma’s house.”

Red Riding Hood, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, thanked the maiden for her assistance and walked into the forest, off the path, utterly forsaking the dire warnings of her mother.

The Werewolf-maiden waved goodbye to Red Riding Hood, and when she was out of sight, resumed his evil Werewolf form, then bounded down the path to grandma’s house.

Grandma was rocking in her rocking chair, knitting a sweater when the Werewolf came crashing into her home. She barely knew what was happening before the Werewolf ripped her flesh and devoured her piece by piece.

After a satisfied burp and picking his teeth with a toothpick, he enacted the next part of his dastardly plan. Taking a mop, he quickly cleaned the carnage about the cottage. Then he changed shape into Grandma. Though because he did not get a good look at Grandma’s appearance before he killed her, his form was not quite accurate.

Figuring it was good enough, he put on Grandma’s sleeping gown and hopped into her bed, awaiting the main course, Red Riding Hood.

Red Riding Hood was still searching for a Taco Bell out in the forest. After several hours, she said, “I do not believe a Taco Bell is out here. Or perhaps I have missed it?”

Completely lost, she came across a Lumberjack, chopping wood for a new cabin he was building. At seeing him, she was quite taken aback, never having seen a man such as this, with huge muscles, a massive beard, and eyes like steel. Strange feelings welled up within her loins.

“I am busy, young one,” growled the Lumberjack, “What are you about?”

Red Riding Hood begged the Lumberjack to guide her back to the path. He refused, saying he was too consumed with his labors. Red Riding Hood was persistent, and pestered him repeatedly.

Finally she said, “Please sir, I shall do anything!”

The Lumberjack suddenly stopped chopping his wood. “Anything?” he asked.

And so the two of them did the funky funky, right here on his pile of chopped wood for many hours, and Red Riding Hood was taken to heights of pleasure she had never before imagined, and learned some new sexual positions as well.

Finally the Lumberjack returned her to the path, and as she shifted her position to better help her very sore loins, the Lumberjack warned her to not be a dumbass once again, and stay on the path. With a scowl and nod, he went back into the woods to resume his work.

Eventually Red Riding Hood arrived at Grandma’s house. From the bed her grandmother looked at her angrily.

“What the fuck took you so long – er – ahem – I mean, hello dear, please come in,” said Grandma.

“Dear Grandmother,” said Red Riding Hood, who was walking strangely for some reason, “I have come to bring you fake Mexican food, to cheer your spirits.”

“Come closer dear,” said Grandma.

Red Riding Hood did so, and could see that her Grandmother looked quite different than she remembered.

“My, what a deep voice you have!” said Red Riding Hood.

“To better yell at your grandfather before he died,” said Grandma.

“What big eyes you have!” said Red Riding Hood.

“To better spy on the young women who used to flirt with Grandpa,” said Grandma.

“What big hands you have!” said Red Riding Hood

“To better to…oh fuck it, it’s time to die!”

Grandma leaped from the bed, and suddenly transformed into the evil Werewolf. With a roar he bounded at Red Riding Hood. She screamed and reflexively threw the basket at him. The Taco Bell food exploded, covering the Werewolf with stale cheese and grade D beef.

“Ahhh! My eyes!” screamed the Werewolf in pain, clutching his burning face.

Red Riding Hood took her chance and dashed from the house, out into the forest, paying no attention to her direction, just wanting to get away from the foul beast.

In moments, the Werewolf shook off the food, and he chased after Red Riding Hood, bounding through the forest, his eyes red with fury and taco meat.

Soon, Red Riding Hood was cornered against a row of dense trees, unable to run further. She turned, to see the Werewolf approaching her slowly, smiling, dark saliva dripping from his mouth.

“You made me run,” snarled the Werewolf as he approached, “I hate running. I shall kill you slowly. I will make you watch as I consume you piece by bloody piece.”

“Please sir,” pleaded Red Riding Hood, “I shall do anything!”

The Werewolf stopped in his tracks. “Anything?” he asked.

He considered that for a moment, when the both of them heard a third presence approach from behind. The Werewolf spun to see the Lumberjack.

“Listen, Fido,” said the Lumberjack, spitting on the ground, “Why don’t you get the fuck out of here, before you learn what your left ball tastes like.”

The Werewolf roared in anger.

“Come get some,” said the Lumberjack, and he withdrew his two +5 Axes of Badassery.

Red Riding Hood watched, mouth agape, as the two fought a fierce battle, the Werewolf’s shiny teeth and long claws raking and tearing, the Lumberjack’s axes flashing as they sang in the moonlight.

Though he took great wounds, the Lumberjack prevailed, slicing off the Werewolf’s arms, legs, and head.

“Pussy,” said the Lumberjack, glowering down at the body parts.

Red Riding Hood was indeed grateful, and the two of them went back to Grandma’s house, where she washed him, gave him a full body massage, and did the funky funky yet again, this time for six hours.

The two made Grandma’s home their own home, and the Lumberjack mounted the Werewolf’s head over the fireplace, with the word “Pussy” captioned underneath. The two were married and she bore him many children. And so Red Riding Hood and the Lumberjack lived happily ever after…

…until the two got divorced five years later when the Lumberjack became a wealthy real estate baron, selling cabins in the woods, and Red Riding Hood caught him having sex with his secretary. The Lumberjack offered to keep the marriage as long as he was allowed to plow his secretary occasionally, but Red Riding Hood angrily declared she would rather be a single mother. So the divorce took place, Red Riding Hood kept Grandma’s cottage, the Lumberjack kept his real estate empire. And the Werewolf’s head. And the secretary.

The End.

13 Comments on “Alpha Male Fairy Tales: Red Riding Hood

  1. No shit. She would’ve gotten the cottage, half his real estate empire and any retirement investments, and half the fucking wolf head. You have to ask, who is the real “Wolf” after marriage?

  2. Yes, but in the Alpha Male Fairy Tale world, the law automatically defaults to men receiving 100% of all assets and 100% child custody in any divorce, unless the wife puts up a good case. Any additional assets or custody given to the woman is based solely on the kindness of the Alpha’s heart (if any).

    Oh, and ex-wives are required to still have sex with their ex-husbands post-divorce because that’s part of the “lifestyle to which he is accustomed”. I mean, it’s only fair. It’s the lifestyle to which he’s accustomed.

  3. A guy and I were just discussing, the other day, whether or not women had “loins”, lol. Do we??

    I have a woman in the next room. I’ll go check.

  4. LOL @ “funky-funky!” Are you just censoring this for the kids?

    Ha ha! I make posts like this and you think I’m censoring this blog? LOL.

  5. No, I was just trying to be funny, lol. I wasn’t referring to your whole blog, just the fairy tales that are, sarcastically speaking, “for the kids.” LOL!

  6. BD, thanks for some good laughs. This post led me to find your version of Superman 2 (had not seen it before). Very entertaining!

  7. One suggestion: if you change “his eyes red with fury (and taco meat)” to “his eyes red with fury and taco meat”, it’s much funnier.

  8. One suggestion: if you change “his eyes red with fury (and taco meat)” to “his eyes red with fury and taco meat”, it’s much funnier.

    Done. Just for you, Johnny.

  9. All these old german fairy-tales have the same moral: kids, don’t go wandering off into the forest. Back in the day, the forest actually was this trackless maze where you couldn’t navigate by the sun, and the kids really would get eaten by a bear.

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