Why “Quality” Does Not Equal Happiness In Relationships
What I’m about to describe is the largest source of confusion among both men and women when it comes to selecting a long-term partner.
In a nutshell, the problem is people focus on the “quality” aspects of a person rather than happiness and harmony within the relationship. I shall explain.
Let’s hypothetically say you have two women, Girl A and Girl B. Both girls are of equal age and equal physical and sexual attractiveness to you. You personally consider both girls a 9 in looks, and it’s a complete toss-up as to which one is better looking. They’re identically hot.
Where they differ are in the non-physical aspects.
Girl A is extremely intelligent with a high I.Q. She is college educated, articulate, classy, and worldly. She has a high-paying, cerebral job, such as a nurse or accountant.
Girl B is, while not dumb, is about average in intelligence. She got decent grades in school but never went to college (or perhaps went for a while but didn’t finish). She can carry on a decent conversation but she cannot get into the deep topics that Girl A can, and isn’t nearly as knowledgeable about as many things. Girl B has a low-paying, labor-based job, such as a waitress or a nanny.
Those are the aspects of these two women. Now let’s talk about their behavioral manifestations. Again, I’m just being hypothetical here. I’m not making any generalizations about real people. Yet.
Girl A, because she’s smarter, more educated, more experienced, and more knowledgeable about life, is stronger, pickier, and more demanding than Girl B. She’s also much easier to upset and much more easily frustrated than Girl B. In a relationship, she has more rules and standards she will expect you, her husband or boyfriend, to follow. Because of this, she tends to be bitchier more often than Girl B. I’m not saying Girl A is a bitch, because she isn’t. I’m just saying she’s clearly bitchier than Girl B.
Girl B doesn’t have any of this overhead. While she’s still a woman and can still get bitchy and dramatic at times, she is much more flexible and easy-going than Girl A. Girl B really doesn’t care what you do with your life as long as you’re happy when you’re around her. She doesn’t issue demands or have the sometimes impossibly high standards of male behavior that Girl A has. This makes Girl B more relaxed and happy most of the time as compared to Girl A.
Now here’s the question:
If you knew everything above regarding both women, all the good and the bad, which of those two would you choose to make your serious girlfriend, OLTR, or wife, if those women were your only two options?
At least 85% of men out there, perhaps even 90%, especially those men under age 40, would instantly choose Girl A. They wouldn’t even have to think about it. A smart, classy, successful girl over a “dumb” girl? (Again, Girl B is not dumb, but that’s what these men would call her.) It’s no contest. Girl A wins by a landslide. (Traditional relationship advice would also strongly recommend Girl A over Girl B.)
I am the opposite. I would pick Girl B. Happily so.
But I wasn’t always like that…
Before I continue, I have to pause and address the objections that I know people will have when they read the preceding paragraphs.
The knee-jerk reaction to what I just said, especially if a woman is reading this article, would be the Societal Programming response of: “Well, that’s because this Blackdragon guy is clearly an immature, shallow man who can’t handle a more intelligent, classy woman. He’s such an asshole that he can only be happy with a dumb, submissive girl.” If you’ve already read my stuff, you already know it’s actually the exact opposite. Very intelligent women, especially educated corporate types, hugely turn me on and I enjoy them very much. Not to mention the fact that I regularly date women over age 40 (and am right now).
I will further address that objection in a moment, but I want to get all the other objections out of the way first.
What you might be thinking as a man is: “Well….what I’m going to get someday is a girl like Girl A, but without any of the bitchiness or demands.”
That’s a nice thought, but you’re falling into the same trap women fall into when they spend years, if not decades, looking for the Perfect Man™. You know what I’m talking about. It’s when women spout off crap like “I want a strong, masculine, take-charge man who is powerful and makes a lot of money! But at the same time he’ll respect me as a woman and do exactly what I say and take out the trash whenever I tell him and never sleep around because he’s a ‘gentleman’!”
A man is an Alpha or a beta. He cannot be both. Yet modern-day women waste a huge amount of their youth and middle age looking for the “submissive Alpha”…a man who literally does not exist in nature.
When you as a man start looking around for a “Sweet, drama-free Girl A who lets me do whatever I want”, you start falling into the same trap…seeking a female personality type that does not exist. A woman is either dominant, submissive, or independent, she’s not all three. And whatever she is, you’ll have to accept the negative aspects that come with it.
Granted, I’m sure you could come somewhat close to that, i.e. a Girl A who is not quite as demanding and bitchy as other Girl A’s, but you get my point. If we agree that there is no such thing as a “powerful, successful, masculine Alpha who’s a good little boy and always does what he’s told”, then the female equivalent must also true.
That means that generally speaking, and yes god dammit, I know there are always bizarre rare exceptions to every rule, but generally speaking, a highly intelligent, classy woman is going to be more demanding and bitchy, and generally speaking a nicer, sweeter, happier woman is going to be less intelligent or at least have a less dynamic, interesting personality. That’s just the way this works, folks. You can’t have everything. To think otherwise is Guy-Disney.
To address the third and last objection, one I know I’m going to probably see in the comments: This does not mean that you must date stupid or low-quality women in order to have a harmonious or low-drama relationship. No…I am not saying that at all.
If a woman is actually a complete dumbass, or a drug addict, or self-destructive, or whatever, of course you wouldn’t get serious with her. I harp on guys for getting serious with low-quality women all the friggin’ time. Stay away from women like that, or if you can control yourself emotionally (and many men can’t), keep her as a distant FB-only.
I’m going to repeat that Girl B is not “stupid” or “low quality”. She’s just not as high “quality” (as defined by Societal Programming) as Girl A. I’m also not saying the only choice is between bitchy high quality and nice low quality.
Quality Aspects Over Happiness
Let’s get back to our two girls. Why will most men choose Girl A in a heartbeat, knowing that over the long haul, she’s going to give him more grief than Girl B?
Because of Societal Programming, inexperience, lack of self-awareness, lack of relationship experience (not sexual, seduction, or dating experience, but relationship experience), and a few other reasons, that guy is focusing on her positive qualities rather than his own long-term happiness.
He sees Girl A, sees how smart and successful she is (comparatively speaking), and his analysis is instantly over. Her positive qualities is all he sees.Hell, more than that, he thinks he’s hit the fucking jackpot. She’s hot and smart! The Perfect Woman™!
If he’s a beta, he instantly leaps into oneitis, starts kissing her ass, and makes all kinds of commitments to her.
If he’s an Alpha, he lectures his buddies about how She’s Not Like The Rest™ and how he Knows What He’s Doing™ because he’s Fucked Lots Of Girls™ and how Blackdragon Is An Asshole And Doesn’t Understand™. Then he slowly, ever so slowly, starts transforming into a very different man under the weight of betaization.
In both cases, a few weeks or months down the road these men deal with drama, demands, arguments, and bullshit from their new “quality” Girl A girlfriend, OLTR, or wife. Maybe they put up with it and think that it’s “worth it”. Maybe they don’t and suffer a breakup. Either way, they’ve suffered.
I’m different. I don’t like to suffer. At all. I don’t like to feel negative emotions. At all. Instead, I like to fill my life with nothing but 100% positive emotions. (As much as is possible of course, since you’ll never live a 100% positive life no matter how good you are.)
So when a high “quality” but demanding woman comes along, I might enjoy sex with her under the context of an FB or low-end MLTR, but I don’t get into any super serious relationships with her. I don’t want to deal with her drama or demands down the road. That will disrupt my happiness, and no one is allowed to disrupt my long-term happiness. No one has that right.
You Can Have Both
Of course if you live the Alpha 2.0 lifestyle that this blog is all about, it’s never a choice between Girl A or Girl B. You can have both. And I often do.
What I’ll do is date Girl A and Girl B at the same time as either an MLTR or FB (my choice, depending on the woman). Over time, one or both of them will float away, and then come back. I’ve described this before. I get the benefit of both. Occasionally, I will come across a Girl A who is not quite as demanding, or a Girl B who is a little smarter, and she’ll be upgraded to serious MLTR or OLTR candidate.
What I never do is make all kinds of commitments to a woman just because she’s super smart, educated, successful, or whatever. Likely she’ll be a Girl A, and most Girl A’s will not make an Alpha Male very happy in the long-term (short-term yes, long-term no).
When You Finally Choose
Over the long-term, it usually inevitable, especially as you age, that you’ll have to pick one special girl, even if it’s in a nonmonogamous / open relationship or marriage. Then indeed you’ll have to make a choice between a woman who’s more like Girl A or one who’s more like Girl B.
Again, you cannot have perfection. You cannot have sweet, ever-happy, submissive Girl A. Not possible. Stop with the Guy-Disney! You’re going to have to choose between a little bitchier and more demanding, or a little nicer and flexible, knowing the negative downsides of either choice.
When in the mode for looking for a serious, long-term woman like an OLTR (which by the way, I am right now), I will typically lean in the direction of a Girl B. My long-term happiness is far more important than a list of positive qualities a woman could have.
When I was younger (in my early twenties), less experienced, and more needy, I was the exact opposite. I was constantly looking for and screening women for a Girl A. I wanted a “smart, quality” girl. If she was a little bitchy or demanding or “strong”, hey, that’s cool. That means she’s smart. If she screamed at me later, eh, who cares? We’ll deal with that later. Plus, she’ll never do that. She’s Not Like The Rest™.
Aaaaannnnndd of course I suffered all the usual drama and relationship problems in my early 20s that all other men suffer…those who choose a list of positive qualities over their own long-term happiness, while conveniently ignoring or downplaying a woman’s negatives.