Serial Monogamy Revisited
There is a woman I know I’ll call “Sandy”. She’s a fascinating case study.
Sandy is young, very smart, and very pretty. While she’s a little skinny for my tastes, if I put a completely untouched photo of her up on this blog, I think most men would consider her at least an eight or nine. Some would consider her a ten. She’s someone who could get a job in Hollywood and fit right in. I’ve known her since she was 19, she’s now in her mid-20s.
If you looked up “serial monogamist” in the dictionary, you would see a picture of Sandy. Her Facebook page is a fascinating model of this. She never dates. Ever. She simply goes from boyfriend to boyfriend.
She’ll have a boyfriend, always a good-looking young beta male, who will make lovey-dovey comments on everything she says, and vice versa. She will cover her page with cute pictures of both of them doing fun things together. She will Facebook-friend all of the boyfriend’s friends and family members, including his parents, and he will do the same to her social circle. The boyfriend will say things like “Baby, I’m so glad our moms are now Facebook friends. That makes me feel really special.” Lots of I love yous and I can’t wait to be with yous and I can’t wait for our long future togethers.
It will go like this for about six to eight months on average and then instantly the the guy will be gone. Then just as instantly, there’s a new starry-eyed boyfriend in his place. I’m not exaggerating. The transition happens almost instantly.
The entire pattern then repeats. Lovey comments, cute couples photos, all kinds of befriending new boyfriend’s friends and family, lots of NRE and Disney. Then in six months, maybe a little more, boyfriend is gone, and there’s another new boyfriend. Rinse and repeat. Forever.
In the few short years I’ve known Sandy, she’s done this six times that I remember. Her current boyfriend has gone almost a year and I’m shocked it’s lasted that long.
I’ve talked to her a few times about her hardcore serial monogamy behavior, and she never wants to talk about it other than joking around and making some general (though honest) statements about how she “gets bored easily”. Yeah, no shit Sandy. I once told her that the trail of dead beta male bodies she’s leaving in her swath of destruction is a little sad. Her response was just a cute titter laugh and a “I know, right?”.
Sandy is not alone. There are millions of women like her, most under the age of 45, all over the western world. The vast majority of the time, serial monogamy is a system initiated by women, not men. About three-fourths of all monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are terminated by the female.
Moreover, while I have no statistics to prove this, I’m confident that on average, women re-acquire a new serious lover after a failed relationship faster than a man does. Sure, a guy eventually gets a new girlfriend after being dumped, but usually it’s many months after his ex has a new boyfriend.
Serial monogamy is overwhelmingly a female system.
I have mentioned in the glossary that serial monogamy is the biological default method of pair-bonding for females under the age of 50. It’s what (most) women prefer. Be monogamous to this guy, and just this guy, until I get bored, which will be in under three years, then move on to the next monogamous guy (maybe after playing around a little) and repeating the entire process.
Of course women cheat, but usually a woman cheats well into the relationship, often after the three-year mark, when she would have left him already had she followed her biological wiring.
When they “have to” be monogamous for longer than three years (because they want kids or because they surrender to Societal Programming), they’ll clench their teeth and do it for a while, but they hate it (and often cheat in longer relationships or marriages). Women do want monogamy, but temporary, serial monogamy, not long-term monogamy. Long term monogamy is boring, and women hate being bored. As one of my recurring FBs recently sent me in a text, “Relationships are so boring”. (She’s been living with her monogamous boyfriend for two years.)
I promise you when Sandy finally surrenders to Societal Programming some day and stupidly marries a guy, after about two years when the marriage/baby NRE wears off, she’s going to be miserable. Then eventually, after a lot of drama, she’ll divorce his ass, he’ll have no idea why, and she’ll go back to her serial monogamy patterns. Sandy, and young women like her, have lots of divorces and big breakups to look forward to. (And when she’s a 43 year-old divorced single mother angrily trolling Match.com for a provider, she’ll blame her condition on men, and ask where “all the real men have gone”. But that’s another topic.)
What People Forget About Serial Monogamy
What is usually not considered by women or men, is that at the end of most relationships (not all, but most), the girl saunters off into the sunset (or the dance club) singing a happy tune with her girlfriends giving her high-fives while the guy is home alone crying like a little bitch, sending her 27 texts to “give him another chance” and making whiny posts on PUA forums.
Men who defend serial monogamy (what few there are) always seem to forget this. They forget that the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship ends when she wants it to end, not when you want it to end. The end will come when you aren’t expecting it and don’t want it, just about every time.
Another interesting characteristic of serial monogamists (who again are usually women) is that they hate dating just as much as they hate long-term monogamy. Sandy, and women like her, never “date” and is virtually never single. She always has a boyfriend. I think the longest I’ve ever seen Sandy single is about a month (and I remember being surprised it was that long). Similar to women over age 33, serial monogamists feel extremely uncomfortable “dating” guys without having a “committed” boyfriend. Dating, to them, is stressful and icky.
Serial monogamist women will strongly defend their behavior. Once on the forums I saw a woman pronounce in 100% seriousness that she had experienced “12 successful monogamous relationships” in her life. She was completely unaware of the irony, because to her it was not an ironic statement. In each relationship, she had a monogamous boyfriend, then kicked the boyfriend out on his ass when she got bored with him, and then replaced with with a new sucker (I mean guy). To her, that’s a successful relationship. I doubt the 12 guys she dumped think the relationship they had with her was successful. But do you think she cares?
Several times I’ve had a serial monogamist woman or two brag to me that she has never cheated on a guy. My response: “Darling, you’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted longer than three years in your entire life. You keep dumping these poor bastards before your strong desire to cheat ever comes up. (Check the glossary for the term ‘CTF’.) Come back after you’ve had a relationship that’s lasted 10 or 20 years, then we’ll see how faithful you are.”
The response I usually get is either an insult or blank stare, not a refutation. (Unlike beta males, female serial monogamists know exactly what they are. They just keep it quiet, and think you should too.)
Questions, Questions, So Many Questions
Unlike long-term Disney monogamy, which everyone knows in their heart really doesn’t work, serial monogamy is much more complicated, and is as fascinating as it is sad. It’s a pity Sandy and women like her don’t want to have a serious discussion about serial monogamy, though it’s not surprising.
Here are a few questions I would like to ask female serial monogamists like Sandy:
1. At the beginning of the relationship, when these innocent beta males fall in love with you after having sex with you two or three times, do you explain to them that you’ll be dumping them in a few months (or a year or two at the most)?
2. When these men talk about getting married and having kids and stuff (and they usually do, because we’re talking about betas here), do you correct these men, telling them that this is never going to happen? Or do you go along with the Big Lie, and give them an “Oh yeah, it will be great!”?
3. Do you continue to have sex with your old boyfriend after getting a new boyfriend? (I already know the answer to this, which is usually “no”, but I still want to see how a serial monogamist woman answers this question.)
4. Do you feel at all bad when you dump all these men? Most of whom not only loved you (or at least had strong oneitis for you) but also wanted a long future with you with marriage and kids and stuff?
5. Does it strike you as just a little odd when you’re introducing these men as your boyfriend to your parents and closest friends within the first six months knowing them that in another few months you’ll be doing the exact same thing with a new and completely different boyfriend? Do you ever have the thought, “I’d better hold off on introducing this guy to everyone in my life until he survives at least a year with me, that way I won’t look stupid to everyone when I dump the guy and then bring a new boyfriend over to the house.”?
6. What about just dating for six months? Or a year? No boyfriend. Just dating around, hanging out with and/or fucking guys as you please. Not a lot of guys, just more than one. You know, enjoying life and putting in some numbers instead of being locked-down to just one needy guy. No drama, no rules, no big breakups, no hurt feelings, just sex, fun, 100% honesty with everyone, and enjoying yourself. And maybe, after playing around with a bunch of guys, you might even find one who will make a quality boyfriend you’ll actually want to stay with for longer than a year or two. Does doing this have any appeal to you at all? If not, why not?
7. I know that because you’re a woman you automatically want to get monogamously married someday (even though it makes zero sense for you to do so, since you’ll hate it). So I’m not even going to argue with you on that. But when you want to settle down and have kids, do you seriously think you’re never going to get bored with him for the next 45 years straight? Even though you have a very steady and reliable pattern getting bored with men quickly? Or do you just plan on getting divorced a lot? What exactly is your long-term game plan and how do you plan on executing it with high odds of success? (Humorously, I could pose this exact same question to the typical player/PUA/manosphere guy too. But that’s another topic.)
8. Do you have the same memorized speech you give these guys when you dump them? You’ve done it so many times I would assume it’s gotten pretty routine by now.
9. How regimented are you about this? Do you actually have a serial monogamy “system” you could show other women the same way I have a system for nonmonogamy that I show men? Or are you just always flying by the seat of your pants, blowing in whatever direction your biology pushes you?
10. Why do you think you get bored with men so reliably and regularly? Any theories on why you’re like this? (I already know the answer to this question, because sexual boredom is a biological trait built into women. But again, I would love to hear her answer anyway.)
11. Have you actually been in love with any of these guys? If the answer is yes, why did you still dump him so fast like all the other dudes? If the answer is no, why do you keep getting into serious relationships with men you don’t love?
I don’t do monogamy of course, serial or otherwise, so thank goodness none of this insanity ever affects me. I just see a hell of a lot of it with normal guys (and player/PUAs/Alphas too) and observe it from afar like watching a football game. Regardless, I seriously would like to interview a hardcore, female serial monogamist who is wiling to answer these questions, plus a few more.