Love and Lust
Many years ago, Damon Wayans did a stand-up comedy routine where he described a conversation he had with his wife after watching a news report about a woman who lost both of her arms and legs in a car accident.
He turned to his wife and said, “Would you still be with me if I lost both my arms and my legs?”
Without hesitation she said yes.
His punchline was him thinking the reverse. Would he seriously stay with his wife if she lost both her arms and her legs? He was like, “Damn…I don’t know.”
He went on to make a joke about how it would make sex a hell of a lot of fun. He could put her on top of him and spin her around, dribble her like a basketball, etc.
I mean, hey, I’m pretty liberal about the physical conditions of a woman during sex. As long as she’s hot, I couldn’t give a shit. I’ve had sex with a woman who was wearing a cast on her leg, I’ve had sex with another woman in her hospital bed, and I’ve had sex with several women who were as much as eight or nine months pregnant. I’ve also had sex with women who had conditions like stage three endometriosis or who were recovering from cervical cancer. (Oh, I have so many stories…)
But a chick with no arms or legs? Damn. I think I’d have to pass on that one. Even if she did look like Candice Swanepoel.
Switching the genders, it’s a common thing for a woman to ask her husband/BF if he would leave her if she gained 200 pounds. “Would you still be with me?” “Would you still love me if I weighed 300 pounds?”
Love vs. Lust
A topic of huge confusion, one I address in my book a great deal, is the mashing of sexual attraction with love. These are two completely different things, even located within two completely different parts of the brain. They serve two completely different functions.
Love is one thing. Sexual attraction, or lust, is another.
Societal Programming will do its damnest to tell you these two things are one and the same. It’s one of the many ways society shoves monogamy down your throat. “If a man really loves me, he won’t ever want to have sex with any one else.”
It’s all B.S. They are two different things, and always will be, even if you truly love someone. Once NRE is over, even if you still love your special person, you’ll still want to have sex with other people. Even teenagers know this. Yet this reality is supposed to be either,
B) Relegated as “immature”
Love Is Not Selective
As Gene Simmons has pointed out, love is not selective. You cannot say, “I love her when her hair is up, but I don’t love her when her hair is down.” You either love her or you don’t, regardless of her hair. If you truly don’t love her when her hair is down, you really never loved her in the first place. It may have been lust, or infatuation, or even NRE, but it wasn’t love. Many men fall into the trap of supposedly falling “in love” with a pretty girl only to realize it wasn’t love at all.
On the flip side, I have read that if you took a randomly selected man and woman of around the same age, and placed them on a desert island together, they will eventually fall in love with each other…even if they are not physically attracted to each other initially. I know it sounds crazy, but I tend to believe this, and my evidence is the people in many Eastern cultures who marry via arranged marriages. Many, perhaps most of these couples do eventually fall in love. Love is not selective.
However, lust is selective. Very selective. I am not sexually attracted to skinny women with A-cup boobs and no hips. Period, end of story. I’m just not. If one of these women walk past me, I will barely even notice her, even if she has a perfect-10 face. But if a trim, short, dark-eyed, blonde woman with serious hips and big boobs walks by, even if her face is a just a 7 or so, a volcano goes off within me and I will very likely stop what I’m doing and go talk to her. My sexual attraction is very, very selective.
Most guys have a “type” that really turns them on. This has nothing whatsoever to do with love.
Once I start having sex with that blonde, I may fall in love with her, but more than likely I will not. She might just be a dumb bimbo. If that’s the case, I’ll enjoy her for many years (off and on, between LSNFTEs) as an FB. Or she may be a cool chick but not cool enough for me to fall in love with (MLTR category). Or she may be amazing and I will fall in love with her (OLTR category). Her looks simply opened the door to possible love, but they’re damn near irrelevant as to whether or not I end up actually loving her.
The Need For Sexual Attraction
Let’s say I do end up falling in love with Blondie, and her with me. It’s certainly happened before. Let’s say she becomes an OLTR and we move in together. We’re in love and have a great time.
Now let’s say that over the years she starts gaining weight. (I realize it’s extremely unrealistic for a Western woman to start gaining weight once she marries or moves in with a man and this almost never happens, but just go with me here.) After about three years, she goes from 105 pounds to 200 pounds. She used to be smoking hot, but now she’s a big, fat ball of lard.
Do I still love her?
Am I still sexually attracted to her?
Will I continue to stay with her?
Assuming she’s still a cool chick and assuming the relationship is an open one (which would be a requirement for me) and I could get my strong sexual needs met somewhere else, yes.
Will I keep having sex with her?
Does that make me an asshole?
No. It makes me a human being. I shall explain.
Women often forget that unlike women, men need to be sexually aroused in order to have sex. Women do not. As long as some KY Jelly is available, a woman can be totally turned off and still have sex. Married women do this all the time.
Men cannot do this. A man needs to get hard. Barring things like Viagra, if he doesn’t get turned on, there is no sex. It doesn’t matter how much he loves her.
So will I still love my fat little wife? Assuming she’s still just as cool as when we met, yes, I will be. But will I have having sex with her? No. I can’t. She’s too unattractive for me to get sexually aroused. That means no sex. I’ll stay with her, and continue to love her, and we can cuddle, but I can no longer be sexually aroused by her.
If that makes women reading this go into hysterics, so be it. If you don’t like it, blame God, not me. I’m a man. I can’t have sex with a woman who is physically unattractive to me, even if I care for her emotionally. It’s how I’m designed.
Well if you really love her you can still make her feel good and do it for her you asshole!
Well, that depends. Assuming I could get hard, which would be very unlikely, then yeah, I could try. But if I couldn’t get hard, then no. I suppose I could go down on her, but she wouldn’t be getting my dick.
And just to anticipate the question, no, I am not going to pop medication like Viagra every time my fat wife wants to have sex. I don’t do drugs. Never have, never will. Just because she wants to live an unhealthy lifestyle doesn’t mean I have to. She’s more than welcome to lose weight so I can get aroused again. And remember, I still love her, and I would not leave her.
Also remember that I don’t do monogamy, and one of the many benefits of an open relationship or marriage is that I can get my sexual needs met elsewhere. In a monogamous marriage the man would almost have to leave his fat wife in order to get his sexual needs met. Or cheat on her. Men married to fat or ugly wives do that all the time. And we don’t want that, right?
Always remember that love and sexual attraction are two completely different things, and start your conversation and expectations from that reality.