Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are my two new heroes.

They’ve been married for 16 years. During that time there have been rumors about cheating or an open marriage. Finally Jada has come clean about her open marriage to Will. The video clip of her talking about it is right here.

It’s fantastic. It is so wonderful to watch a woman demonstrate maturity and rationality when it comes to being married not only to a man, but to a good looking and famous man. Instead of doing what most women do, which is marry a high sex drive, good looking Alpha Male then react with shock and fury when he cheats on her, Jada has become a true Blackdragonette.

She has seen the light, and apparently she saw it a very long time ago. I am extremely impressed. I’ve made a few snide remarks about Will and Jada in my day, and I hereby retract all of them. These two people are new heroes, and I mean it.

The video clip is about 90 seconds long, but the key quote is right here:

Will is his own man. I’m here as his partner, but he is his own man. He has to decide who he wants to be, and that’s not for me to do for him. And vice versa…respecting that you are in a partnership, but that you are an individual as well.

I could not have said it better myself. Those four sentences encapsulate everything I try to explain to women in my life (and men online) about the nature of a serious, long term relationship to an Alpha male. It’s about understanding the concept that just because you love someone or live with someone or have children with someone does not mean that you cease being an individual with all the freedoms that entails. 

Why The Traditional Relationship Model Is Flawed

The Societal Programming concept of, “Now that we’re together, you are no longer free to do whatever you want” is one of the core reasons long term, serious relationships or marriages fail, and include much drama and chaos when they fail. The truly enlightened acknowledge the inconvenient reality that human beings, especially Alpha Males, don’t follow hardcore sexual restrictions for long periods of time. They only do it for short, concentrated bursts.

Acknowledge this, structure your relationships around this, and you and your partner will experience a long-term happiness few will ever know. Deny this, pretend it doesn’t exist, then end up like everyone else. Which is a simple way of saying “Happy Now, Pissed Later”. (I should come up with a new acronym! HNPL.)

I’ve said before that whenever two normal people enter into a romantic relationship, they metaphorically hand each other a list of rules and regulations they are now expected to follow. The woman’s list has things like how much money he is expected to spend on her, how much time he’s expected to spend with her, and all the things he needs to do less of (like watch sports or hang out with the guys down at the bar). The man’s list has things on there about not texting other men, taking pictures of her ex-boyfriend off her Facebook page, and how often he expects sex from her.

Both men and women do this, and both of them can easily have scores, if not hundreds of little items on that “Rules List”. Generally speaking, the older a woman is, the more items on her list. A 40 year-old woman is going to have a much bigger list than a 22 year-old woman. The same often goes for guys.

If your goal is to have a relationship that lasts six to twelve months or so, then this approach is fine. Go right ahead and have fun with your NRE and your eventual breakup.

But if your goal is to have a relationship that lasts much longer than three years, this approach is insane. Both partners will soon start to violate rules on their lists. It’s normal and predicable. It doesn’t mean she’s a bitch or a gold-digger or disrespectful or irrational, nor does it mean he’s an asshole or immature or selfish or stupid. It’s just how human beings work. 

Enlightened adults like Will and Jada understand this. Societally programmed, maturity-stunted people like 90% of folks out there do not understand this. Or worse, understand it but pretend it doesn’t exist.

Will and Jada’s Open Marriage Rules

What then, are the rules behind Will and Jada’s open marriage? Every open marriage has them. Jada said this:

I’ve always told Will, ‘You can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be okay.’

She stated this strongly, almost angrily. However, as a well trained expert in Woman Language, I shall interpret what she said into English.

She’s essentially saying he’s can fuck around all he likes as long as the women don’t mean anything. She’s his OLTR wife, and women on the side must be FBs. Standard fare for an OLTR, as I’ve described many times before. Jada’s a strong chick, and I’m quite sure she’s been very clear to Will about this. Play around all you want, but I’m your wife and I’m the one you love. Perfectly acceptable.

This kind of marriage works. Millions of people all over the world have long-lasting marriages, often with kids (and non-married cohabitation relationships) that work like this. It’s just that these people keep very quiet about them.

This is what makes Will and Jada so special…

Why They’re Heroes

Jada Pinkett is a hero because she has the balls to state all of this publicly. Yeah, it took her 16 years to do it, but better late than never.

In a world where women are expected to throw men to the sharks if/when they ever cheat, where a “strong woman” deserves a “good (submissive) man”, Jada had the courage to break through all the Societal Programming and clearly state that there’s another way to do it that makes more sense.

Other than Gene Simmons, I can’t remember the last time a mainstream celebrity actually said this publicly. Penn Gillette has hinted about it in his marriage, and others have also hinted about it, but someone flat out saying it is new. In the interview they mention Rube Dee and Ossie Davis who also had an open marriage of sorts, but that was a very long time ago.

We may have finally turned a corner regarding this open relationship stuff. Maybe now more people will have the courage to say “Yeah, this is how we live, and we’re happy.”  If Jada Pinkett (who is considered very “cool” and a “tough” woman in Hollywood) and Will Smith (who has always been considered very wholesome) can do this, perhaps others will too.

36 Comments on “Will Smith Jada Pinkett Open Marriage

  1. Amazing article, man, as always. I never had ANY expectatives whatsoever regarding their relationship. I assumed they were still together just for their public image, their son and how they were expected to be the “wholesome” couple by the public. I assured myself they weren’t any different from any other stupid hollywood couple when they declared they were scientologists (LOL). But this, I must say, is great. We can now have a clear example, from a very well known and apparently, truly “wholesome” couple, that OLTRs really TRULY are the best way to go to form a family.

  2. Interesting, but then presumably she is free to fuck around also, and what alpha male could tolerate that? Unless she really is content to remain faithful simply because she knows it’s the only way she can have him.

    I wonder also if the kid knows about this arrangement, and what he thinks about it all? I can’t imagine why it would prevent them from providing a stable family environment for him, but it is a little unconventional.

  3. Tony – Thanks man! A hell of a lot of people remembered! I didn’t think anyone would give a shit. 🙂

    Yousowould – Yes, as I’ve said before, no open marriage in the western world will last long if it’s one-sided. We men can desire that all we want, but in the real world it doesn’t work long term. And I’m sure their son knows, and has known for a while. You can (and probably should) hide that stuff from small children, but not teenagers.

  4. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but there’s no way I could tolerate anyone I’m in an LTR with screwing other guys. If I’m with them in a semi-serious, harem kind of thing then fine, but otherwise no chance. I guess I’m not the kind of guy that’s cut out for something like that.

  5. The best news for me is that there is still a chance for me and Jada to hook up!

    Not a very good chance, but at least I can hope… 🙂

  6. “You can (and probably should) hide that stuff from small children, but not teenagers.”

    I don’t understand why parents try to hide things from their children. In my opinion, if you want to have children, then you’re agreeing to teach them about the good and the bad, not shelter them as much as possible until something eventually erupts and takes away the innocence. Doing that makes it harder later on to break them in and let them know the way things really work. Since you’re very anti-Disney, I’m surprised you think people should put up any false pretenses. Why?

  7. I think you’re jumping to conclusions, Blackdragon. She never said she is in an “open relationship.” In fact, when asked point blank, she didn’t state explicitly; she gave some roundabout response that never clarified yes or no while not even looking the interviewer in the eye. Just because she told Will he can do whatever he wants doesn’t mean she’ll tolerate him fucking other people. Possibly she does, but she NEVER said that’s the arrangement they have; she merely said that that’s the RUMOR that people have discussed. You then go on to ASSUME that she’s cool with him having only fuck buddies, acting so giddy due to there being a celebrity couple with views like you, when you don’t even know that with certainty.

    I’m cool with open marriages, but who the fuck cares if Will Smith and his girl have one? Why do you give a crap? It’s as if you have some hope that now the world will act differently and make your life better. It won’t. Your life won’t change. One other thing: having heroes is childish and leads to disappointment. I bet someday Will and Jada will disappoint you because that’s all heroes are ever good for “long-term.” You should know that. I mean, isn’t the whole Disney fairytale based on heroes?

  8. Ross-

    I don’t think it’s necessary to share the sexual/dating/relationship details of your life with small children, open marriage or monogamous. That’s my opinion having raised two children. You’re welcome to differ.

    Dumbo-

    1. I’m not giddy because they share my views. I’m giddy because they are the first very public, high-profile couple (that I know of) to not deny what they have. MANY public couples completely share my views, but still pretend (and defend) that they’re 100% “normal” and completely monogamous.

    she NEVER said that’s the arrangement they have

    2. I provided an exact quote of what she said. What she was saying was pretty clear to me. If you want to interpret it differently, you’re more than welcome.

    3. Even if you’re right (which you are not), as I have said repeatedly to many couples, if you knowingly tolerate a cheating partner, you have an open relationship whether you admit it or not.

    Continuously tolerated cheating is not cheating. It’s an open arrangement. Regardless, I still don’t think that’s the case here. Jada could have dumped his ass whenever she liked. She hasn’t. That tells you all you need to know.

  9. @yousowould: So you’re going to guard your “special woman” with electric fences and laser guided missiles? That’s pedestaling. No woman is important enough to guard from other men. Such territorial, outcome dependent men get cheated on the quickest. As my married FB once said to me, “my husband doesn’t own me.”

    The more you pedestal them by acting like you own them, the more they’ll rebel. The more freedom you give them, the more they’ll want you without feeling like they’re in a suffocating cage.

    Bottom line: Stop pedestaling them!

  10. @Jack
    Dude, if you think not wanting a woman you’ve decided to commit into an LTR with to not fuck other men is “pedestalling” her, I think you’ve been reading too much game.

    I’m not a jealous man, because I am not insecure. I am supremely confident that any woman who goes out with me would not cheat. That wasn’t what I was saying, I was referring to voluntarily entering into an arrangement where she can fuck other guys, even if it means I get to fuck other girls.

    It runs contrary to one of the basic male biological urges, namely to ensure that offspring is his own.

    @BlackdragonPUA
    Prison of monogamy? I’d have to commit to someone first, and if at any point I start wanting to fuck other people, then I either would (it was commonly accepted in other times that men would have mistresses in addition to their wives), or ditch her. I’m certainly not the type to get trapped in anything.

  11. Incidentally, you do realise that moving towards open relationships is one of the goals of feminism, so that they can freely express their hypergamic urges with no fear of consequences?

  12. @yousowould:

    It’s called a paternity test. You never have to suffer the pain of uncertainty again. Isn’t technology great?

    P.S. Sex-positive feminism is fucking awesome! Sex-negative feminism (radical feminism) is the enemy.

  13. I never knew this was the sort of marriage they had since I never really followed them. I respect this more than I do open relationships which only allows the man to have extramarital affairs. It’s workable for them.

  14. @yousowould:
    What is it about allowing your wife to fk other men do you find bad? I’m aware that our immediate emotional response is negative (jealousy, for example). But say you are in an equal arrangement with her where both you and her can fk other people, what aspects about her fking other men causes the negative reaction?

    In the paradigm that BD is preaching, it is based on the assumption that the man in question is so alpha and capable of getting women, that the man would not feel jealousy. (what does he have to be jealous about).

  15. See, having just attempted an open relationship and failed, I would say that to have one you really have to be willing to take on all the responsibility that entails. Meaning you can’t be just selfishly thinking you get to fuck whoever you want and not think about each other’s feelings in the process. You have to be willing to take care of home first and she’s got to be extra secure in that with you.

    Maybe Will Smith is doing what he needs to be doing at home so it isn’t an issue and she can play too and is doing the same and that’s why it works. If you are and aren’t rubbing it in each other’s faces and make sure to let the person know that they are #1 I think it can probably work out well.

    If you are a guy thinking you’ll just come along and do your thing and she wants to sit at home and attend to all your needs without getting all the things SHE needs, you are on crack or abusive. It’s only fair that BOTH of you can play with others. And it has to be done with RESPECT from both ends.

  16. Lovergirl….

    You’re absolutely right. One of the rare times I agree with you.

    I’ve said many times, especially in my ebooks, that if you want an open marriage, you’d better be a very good husband.

  17. I don’t know if you’ve ever ventured over to my blog but I did an interview a while back with a man who was in an open relationship with 3 women for 30 years. He married the first one, then moved in a second woman (he gave her a ring and had a little ceremony though she came after so it wasn’t a legal marriage) and the third one lived a couple hours away.

    http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/2013/02/11/30-years-with-3-women-a-guest-interview/

    Anyhow he told me a lot of stories and stuff outside the interview and it is all very interesting! They were all allowed to play if they wanted to and at first his first wife was playing with a bunch of different guys but eventually I guess the women all decided not to be with anyone but him and each other.

    He said he had to really be on top of things and prove to them that he had everything attended to at home before he left on visits to see the third woman. He said the ones he lived with would try to wear him out sexually before he went to see her and that he had to constantly be on top of that too and that he was thankful he had a two hour recovery period while driving to the third woman’s house.

    In any case, it sounds like it took massive amounts of time and energy and he also was being a father to his biological kids plus three more that the second wife had when she came to live with them! He said there were times when he took off work just to have sex with everyone and keep them happy. I can imagine that keeping three women sexually happy AND dealing with all their emotions and having a commitment to them all was quite a challenge!

  18. I agree with Mr. Dumbo. Jada wasn’t necessarily saying she and Will have an open marriage and even if they do, Will would have to be extraordinarily careful with what female/s if any, he’d have as a playmate or fucky buddy, due to how easy it’d be for any civilian female he’d hook up with, to blackmail him by taking photos of him nude or semi nude and getting paid a 6 figure sum, by the tabloid media for them. It means he could only play with women who are in his own line of work and who also have a profile, so they’d respect his need for privacy.

  19. WOW. Great post! Who are you? I am a woman who has long felt that traditional monogamy is unrealistic and constricting for both men and women.

    my problem right now is, when I express this to the men I date, they think I’m a slut or crazy! Most men that I have encountered thus far are looking to “own” a woman and are looking for that “spiritually circumcised” woman who doesn’t want sex and is ashamed of her own sexual desires.

    I have accepted that humans are not monogamous (except for short periods of time) but that has not widened my dating pool…in fact, it has decreased it. In addition, my relaxed and ho-hum attitude marriage seems to threaten many men. Some men express sheer outrage and anger ON SIGHT of me. I suppose the energy of a free person is apparent to most.

    I hope one day we will all accept that we are ALL free and stop guilting and shaming each other into an old patriarchal paradigm.

    And yes I said Patriarchal. Because I’m sure you are aware that marriage is a patriarchal and poltical construct, with proof readily available in the King James Bible.

  20. You need to EASE people into nonmonogamy. Not just throw it down on the second or third date like most poly people tend to do. Get them really liking you and wanting to be with you after weeks and weeks of great sex, then bring it up. Your odds of success go way up.

  21. Surprised nobody’s mentioned that Will Smith has more gay rumors following him than any other man in Hollywood.

  22. I don’t understand how you can STILL claim that they have an open marriage. The quote from the article, which I’ll repost again, is quite telling:

    “And just because your man is attracted to another woman, does not mean he doesn’t love you. That’s not what it means. And it doesn’t mean he’s going to act on it.”

    That last sentence is the telling part. To me, she’s saying that she gets that’ll he’ll find other girls hot but she doesn’t want him sleeping with other women.

    The quote you referenced:

    “I’m not his watcher. He’s a grown man. Here’s what I trust — I trust that the man that Will is, is the man of integrity. So, he’s got all the freedom in the world. As long as Will can look himself in the mirror and be okay, I’m good.”

    This comes off as passive aggressive and boastful to me: she’s giving him freedom blah blah blah “look at me I’m the cool woman”, but there’s a constraint in there, which she states in the quote I mentioned above: “doesn’t mean he’s going to act on it.”

    I don’t understand how you can ignore the “going to act on it” statement. Or at least I don’t understand why you’re ignoring it.

  23. “And just because your man is attracted to another woman, does not mean he doesn’t love you. That’s not what it means. And it doesn’t mean he’s going to act on it.”

    That last sentence is the telling part. To me, she’s saying that she gets that’ll he’ll find other girls hot but she doesn’t want him sleeping with other women.

    Whether or not she’s states it clearly, she’s actually responding to the recent rumor that Will was having a sexual relationship with Margot Robbie (which he probably was). This got a lot of press and made Jada look bad. As I’ve described in detail before, married women with roaming husbands have to pretend to be ignorant or pissed about this.

    Jada can’t come out and say, “Oh yeah, he was fucking her, I’m cool with that.” So she has to indirectly say something else about “going to act on it.”

    This comes off as passive aggressive and boastful to me: she’s giving him freedom blah blah blah “look at me I’m the cool woman”, but there’s a constraint in there, which she states in the quote I mentioned above: “doesn’t mean he’s going to act on it.”

    I don’t understand how you can ignore the “going to act on it” statement. Or at least I don’t understand why you’re ignoring it.

    I’m not ignoring it. I just explained it.

    If a woman with an absolutely, 100%, sexually monogamous marriage was asked the questions Jada was asked, how she respond?

    She would say very clearly, “My husband would NOT fuck ANYONE. Or he’d BETTER NOT. And if he did, I’D KILL HIM. He’s a good man and would NEVER do ANYTHING like that,” or something to that effect. It would be very, very clear.

    But notice she didn’t say anything like that at all. She instead gave a bunch of indirect girl-language about freedom and looking in the mirror. That is not the behavior of a woman in a 100% monogamous marriage. They’re open, with ground rules, but she can’t come out and say it blatantly. (Sadly.)

    Like I said in the other thread, if you want to believe that a wife giving these indirect dodge-answers regarding monogamy is indicative of a 100% monogamous marriage, than you’re welcome to your opinion. I think it’s indicative of the exact opposite.

  24. “Play around all you want, but I’m your wife and I’m the one you love. Perfectly acceptable.”

    This assumes people can not stop themselves from fucking other people after a few years but can stop themselves from falling in love.  Isn’t it a little hypocritical?  If you meet someone you like enough to fall in love with, you stop yourself because you signed your heart to someone else, or do you just try to cover it up like an adult? 🙂

  25. This assumes people can not stop themselves from fucking other people after a few years but can stop themselves from falling in love.

    Yes. I’ve been doing it for 8 years. Had an OLTR for 5.5 years, and had sex with many women on the side, and didn’t fall in love with any of them. She fucked guys on the side too, and didn’t fall in love with any of them. I know many couples in long-term open marriages at the 10+ and 15+ year mark who’ve also been doing it with no problems.

    You’re assuming that all people automatically fall in love with everyone they fuck a few times. Untrue. You’re also assuming that everyone with an open marriage fucks the same person on the side for years and years. Also untrue.

    If you meet someone you like enough to fall in love with, you stop yourself because you signed your heart to someone else, or do you just try to cover it up like an adult? 

    Do you really know on the first date that “OMG, I’m going to fall in love with this person!!!”?

    Do you fall in love super fast and easily?

    I know some people are like that, and yeah, those folks won’t ever be able to make ANY long-term relationship work, monogamous or open. Not past about 3-5 years anyway.

  26. “Had an OLTR for 5.5 years, and had sex with many women on the side, and didn’t fall in love with any of them.”

    But would you have fallen in love with any of them had you not been in an OLTR?

    “You’re assuming that all people automatically fall in love with everyone they fuck a few times. Untrue. You’re also assuming that everyone with an open marriage fucks the same person on the side for years and years. Also untrue.”

    I’m assuming that if you meet a person that is compatible enough with you to fall in love with, it’s very hard to stop yourself from doing it, much like it is to stop yourself from having sex with someone desirable enough and available, regardless of any promises you may have made.  Especially after a few years when the NRE has died out. And you are just half of the equation.

    “Do you really know on the first date that “OMG, I’m going to fall in love with this person!!!”?
    Do you fall in love super fast and easily?”

    People who use woman speak and chick logic are below my standard for respect, much less love, but if the right person came along (which it won’t), I imagine that yes, I would know within the first 20 minutes.

    “I know some people are like that, and yeah, those folks won’t ever be able to make ANY long-term relationship work, monogamous or open. Not past about 3-5 years anyway.”

    Since you say you ‘had’ a 5.5 year OLTR, your track record isn’t that much better, and this raises serious issues about the long term pair bonding possibility with a woman these days, because if yours doesn’t work out, mine definitely won’t.  I think I’m better off accepting the short term nature of man-woman relationships than hoping for the unicorn to come along.

  27. But would you have fallen in love with any of them had you not been in an OLTR?

    Absolutely. Two of them in particular. But I followed the rules of the OLTR and didn’t spend enough time with these women for that to happen.

    I’m assuming that if you meet a person that is compatible enough with you to fall in love with, it’s very hard to stop yourself from doing it, much like it is to stop yourself from having sex with someone desirable enough and available, regardless of any promises you may have made. 

    Completely wrong. Falling in love takes a lot of time with someone. Wanting to fuck someone takes about 3 seconds.

    In order for a normal, emotionally stable person to truly fall in love, you need to spend LOTS and LOTS of regular time with a person. Under an OLTR or OLTR Marriage, this kind of thing would be against the rules. And if you didn’t like that rule, you should downgrade the relationship to MLTR. Then you can do whatever you like.

    And you are just half of the equation.

    Correct. You might break the rules, she might break the rules. To your greater point, even if you both follow the rules, NOTHING LASTS FOREVER and ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE TEMPORARY, whether monogamous or not or legally married or not. The only difference is A) the amount of pain and financial damage suffered by the man when the breakup occurs and B) the amount of freedom a man has during the relationship.

    OLTR = less breakup damage and more freedom.

    Monogamy = more breakup damage and less freedom (and more drama, and less sex if it goes over 3 years or so).

    They’re both temporary, yes, but OLTR is less bad.

  28. “Absolutely. Two of them in particular. But I followed the rules of the OLTR and didn’t spend enough time with these women for that to happen.”

    Oh.  Do people do this?  Is it the same for women?  You were faithful to your bitchy wife for 9 fucking years so maybe you are the exception?

    “Falling in love takes a lot of time with someone. Wanting to fuck someone takes about 3 seconds.”

    I had no idea time is integral.  Yes, under this assumption it makes sense.  I hope you do a post on what love is (or how you define it) because it seems either a very mysterious or a very subjective concept.

  29. Oh.  Do people do this?

    People in long-term open relationships, yes. Most other people, no. They get monogamous and suffer the consequences.

    Is it the same for women?

    In my experience, yes, though of course it’s easier for women to “get feelings” than it is for a man.

    You were faithful to your bitchy wife for 9 fucking years so maybe you are the exception?

    Yes, I was faithful to her for 9 years, but A) she wasn’t a bitch and B) it was EXTREMELY painful for me to not cheat. High sex drive men aren’t built for monogamy past about 2 years.

    I had no idea time is integral. 

    Well of course it is. If you fall in love with a woman within a few days of meeting her, then you’re a needy idiot. I’m talking about love here, not lust, desire, or NRE. Those things are different and can happen faster than love.

    I hope you do a post on what love is (or how you define it) because it seems either a very mysterious or a very subjective concept.

    It’s on my topic list for posts. I’ll get to it eventually. 🙂

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