I have given this first date advice many times and in many ways: Don’t compliment women’s appearance. 

No matter how tempted you are, no matter how hot she is, no matter how much you think she likes you, and no matter how smoothly or Alpha you think you can pull it off, don’t compliment a woman’s appearance prior to sex. If you’ve been having sex with her for six months, then fine. I’m talking about the dating and seduction phases.

Every time I give that dating advice, I get a bunch of guys giving me excuses about how it’s okay to do it as long as you don’t do it too much. Or too much like a beta. Or with an confident frame. Or something.

Excuses.

I will quote the above linked blog post about the proof that complimenting a woman’s appearance will reduce your odds of a lay:

If you don’t believe me, go sarge up 20 women, tell them how hot/beautiful they are before you fuck them.  Then sarge up a second 20, and don’t compliment their appearance at all.  You will find you will get better results (and more quickly) from the second group than from the first group.

Go do that experiment, and then come back and tell me it’s okay to tell women they’re hot as long as you do it “confidently” or whatever.

Heartiste recently made a blog post right here giving the exact same advice. Good. Nice to see others have figured this out.

A few quotes from his post:

Never compliment a girl on her looks, especially not a girl you aren’t fucking.

and

It will help you acquire the right frame of mind to stop using the words hot, cute, gorgeous, or beautiful to describe girls who turn you on.

He even repeats it:

As stated above, never compliment beautiful women on their looks

He goes on to give some tips on how to convey attraction without commenting on a woman’s looks. I’m going to reinforce why refraining from complimenting appearance will help you.

Here are the top six reasons:

1. You’re not telling her anything she doesn’t already know. Hot chicks are fully aware they’re hot by the time they’re about 15 years old. It’s not news to them. Telling a hot chick she’s hot is like telling her the sky is blue or that there’s oxygen in the air. It just makes you look “very normal”, if not a little dumb.

2. Hundreds, if not thousands of men have already told her this. If you tell her this too, you’re just adding yourself to the pile of all the other guys she’s politely brushed off. You are in no way unique.

3. It’s not a compliment. That’s right. Telling her she’s hot or sexy or beautiful or whatever is not giving her a compliment. It’s like walking up to a multimillionaire and saying “You have a lot of money.” Trust me, that millionaire will in no way feel complimented. He’ll just assume you’re awkward. And he’ll be right.

Now yes, because of Societal Programming, a hot chick will be obligated to say something back like “Oh, thank you!”, but that doesn’t mean shit. If you’ve ever dated a really hot chick and watched other guys tell her how attractive she is, even good looking guys who said it smoothly, I’m sure you got a full commentary from her regarding the lack of quality these men were displaying, even if she was demonstrating gratitude for their compliments.

I’m not saying women don’t like men kissing their asses. They certainly do. I’m saying hearing from men something they already know and have heard a thousand times is not a compliment. If you just can’t control yourself and must compliment her, tell her she’s smart or interesting or unique, not beautiful.

4. It reduces your odds of a lay. This is unquestionable. Try the “20 woman experiment” above and track your results if you don’t believe me. By not complimenting a woman’s appearance, your odds of a lay go up. The speed of the lay also goes up. Moreover, the hotter she is, the more important it is to not say anything about it.

5. It damages your Alpha standing in her eyes. Even if you’re a cool, attractive guy, the simple act of telling a hot chick she’s hot will take you down a notch in her mental assessment of your sexual worthiness.

I didn’t say if she’s totally into you she’ll be suddenly turned off if you mention she’s attractive. If you’ve already scored 87 points on her 0-100 scale, telling her she’s hot won’t drop you the entire 87, but it will drop you down to 83 or 77 or 75.

Why do this? Why take the chance? Why make this harder on yourself?

“Well, I like telling women they’re beautiful. It makes me feel more natural and human. It makes the interaction more organic.”

Okay, fine. But can’t you wait until you’ve had sex with her a few times before you tell her she’s sexy or has nice tits? Is it really that difficult?

6. It damages your Outcome Independence, whether you realize it or not. This is the biggest internal reason why you shouldn’t do this. By telling a hot woman she’s hot, you have mentally placed her on a pedestal in your own mind at least a little bit. You’re going to want her just a little more now. Your Outcome Independence will have taken a hit. At least a small one. Not good.

Next time you’re with some Hot Chick™, remember this article.

Just don’t do it.

You’ll thank me in the morning.

98 Comments on “Six Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Compliment A Woman’s Appearance

  1. And yet I personally know men getting laid by 9s doing the exact opposite of this advice.

    The kicker? It only works if you are higher value than her, and she knows it. In this circumstance complimenting her with a strong, masculine, confident frame (sparingly), owning your sexual intent, will actually reduce her to a blushing mess. Seen it with my own eyes.

    If you are equal, or lower value than the girl (or at least in her [probably warped] perception), then apply all of the above advice. Obviously, the hotter the girl, the more often this is going to be true. So unless you’re Captain Awesome, it’s best to err on the side of caution for any girl over an 8.5, and keep your mouth shut.

  2. @yousowould
    You’ve got a point but:
    1. Not everyone is Captain Awesome.
    2. Even if you’re Captain America, the reality (99% of the time) is in the middle paragraph of reason #3.

  3. Maybe this is why you have trouble laying women over 33. Just sayin… If someone is sure they are the hottest thing on the planet maybe telling them they are attractive is redundant but a lot of women still need to hear that.

    Me, I am very reluctant to get in bed with someone if I am not SURE of their attraction to me, so I pretty much need to hear on some level that they think I am hot/sexy/beautiful.

    That said, there are ways to come off as lame, and ways to do it right. When guys act all in awe and say “you’re beautiful” then it makes them look beneath you. When a guy says it in a way that implies he is giving you his stamp of approval it is different. So an attitude of “wow, you are so beautiful” is bad but a more “yes, you are hot/sexy/beautiful to me” is good.

  4. Great arguments!

    I couldnt keep my tongue in check until I started to play texas hold’em live poker.
    Loosing money due to my mouth or body language really sucked. Same applies to ruined dates.

    @girl
    If a man has to use words to prove you his attraction there is something wrong.

  5. Maybe this is why you have trouble laying women over 33.

    So women over 33 must be told they’re pretty while women under 33 don’t?

    You realize that, as usual, your comments tend to prove my points rather than oppose them.

  6. @Oxyjinn
    Oh absolutely, I agree. I was just trying to make a point that this doesn’t universally apply, but is great advice for 95% of the time.

    PS I’ll be Captain Awesome one day…

  7. @yousowould

    You’re correct, though I also think BD is correct when he says your “score” is reduced through the compliment. It’s just that when a guy is, as you say, Captain Awesome, his score is already so high that it doesn’t matter.

  8. @BD- I’m saying that as women get older they are surrounded with the message that this makes them less attractive so they are going to tend to be more receptive to compliments and less likely to want to hop in bed with a guy who they aren’t 100% sure finds them beautiful.

    In the past couple of years I’m pretty sure I haven’t slept with anyone who hasn’t expressed to me that he found me attractive, in words, first. Well, barring the swinger party group sex scenario. I don’t know that I heard it from those guys.

    I’d be really reluctant to take my clothes off for someone I felt was on the fence or hadn’t told me he thought I was hot. Now, that doesn’t mean that I am likely to respond to the countless guys that just say “wow, your beautiful” because that’s lame. So like I said above, you have to be coming at it from a better frame and more like you are giving your approval than that you are in awe of her.

  9. See, even Pamela Anderson never thought she was attractive and needs some reassurance, lol… She probably wouldn’t fuck you without some acknowledgement either, ha!

  10. Meh. Is this a cultural thing? I don’t recognize the frame at all.

    Where I’m from girls/women generally do not get genuine compliments/hear that they are beautiful very much at all UNLESS it is via online means (Facebook, online dating, MSN or similar) or from someone in a nightclub (i.e. alcholhol involved).

    My experience is that it is very rare for a woman to receive such a compliment from someone sober, in a daytime IRL setting.

    So the random woman to me doesn’t necessarily know that she is beautiful, doesn’t hear this from a million (sober) guys (IRL). So she takes it as a compliment, and you will stand out as a rare man with some guts.

    Should be said I am generally not attracted to the type of girls that other consider 9’s or 10’s, I’m much more fond of the shy but cute librarian/girl next door type of girl. Maybe that makes a difference.

    @lifeofalovergirl – I’m not sure I see why a man would like to have sex with you if he was not attracted to you?

  11. Men don’t need to put ‘I think you’re pretty’ into words. It should be blatantly apparant to the girl purely through his body language. Putting it into words is a red herring and I’d consider a girl asking for it as a ‘shit test’. There’s better ways to provide her comfort if necessary.

  12. I guess this makes me one of the guys who make excuses, but I do think very specific compliments can be helpful for getting a girl who is not particularly pretty and not used to male attention, especially if she suspects I’m out of her league. (Why would a guy want to go for a girl like that? I found it was very useful when I was still getting comfortable with dating, when I was still too beta for the hot girls. Part of the growing process for a guy starting from the bottom.) For these girls, your points 1-3 don’t apply, and your point 5 is actually a plus because it makes me seem more accessible.

    For girls who are actually hot, of course I agree with you 100%.

  13. In general this is a good rule to follow. There are always odd situations, though. Here’s one:

    I was in a restaurant by myself and there was a girl sitting nearby by herself (we were the only two customers). I initiated conversation, and after she pretended not to be interested during my first two conversational threads, she eventually gave me more and I moved over to her table. She turned out to be a model who was not walking the runways this fashion season, which is an important anecdote, as you’ll see later on.

    At this point things were flying and she’s laughing and yada yada. 5-10 minutes later I ask her how old she is and she acts weirded out by the question. When she tells me that she’s 23, I respond, “Yeah I thought you were 23-24-25.” Bombs away! She immediately gets up and leaves the establishment, saying something like, “You asked me my age and then you insult me.”

    I had this girl practically eating out of my hand, and had I told her that she was pretty, I bet I could have banged her. Instead, I was playing it cool and casual and she thought I was insulting her. I attribute her reaction to her career as a model, where 25 is a breaking point for a lot of them, and since she wasn’t walking in the fashion shows, I triggered something with my age comment (which I didn’t think was any big deal, but to her it was and, well, that’s all that mattered).

  14. Um…Tim. You told a woman that she looked older than she really was. I don’t know many women that wouldn’t feel insulted by that. However, that doesn’t mean that complimenting her appearance wouldn’t have also ruined the attraction you had built. It could have worked something like this:

    1) She thinks your cool/interesting/attractive/whatever->Taboo Question about Age->Insult->she thinks you’re a dick.

    2) She likes you->Taboo Question about Age->tell her she’s hot->disappointment (“I though he was cool, but it turns out he’s just like all the other dorks who hit on me….”)

    3) She likes you->Taboo Question on Age->Appropriate Response->She likes you even more because of the social intelligence you displayed following a question that is normally considered off limits.

  15. Zeus’s beard! Look at all the EXCUSES in these comments!

    Why don’t you guys just come clean and be honest and say “I WANT to tell women they’re hot, so I’m going to go out of my way to find reasons to do that.”

  16. David DeAngelo has talked about this and when I first got ahold of his material in 2006 I stopped complimenting women on their looks altogether. I haven’t done it in 7 years and I don’t intend to again. That was my one biggest fault at the time, I’m even a physically attractive guy and until I knocked that retarded shit off I couldn’t get a girl to date me. I could not believe myself as I watched this advice work time and time again.

    It’s funny to watch Facebook and see all the AFC’s who drool all over hot women showering them with compliments. It’s like watching someone tie their own noose.

  17. I think it’s a basic principle, and it should be followed. It worked for me many times. Sometimes compliment worked, but mostly it was really hurting my game. Even after first sex. So, why do you want to hurt your own game? It’s like not using kino, because “it doesn’t feel okay at the first date”. Do you wanna be mr. nicey or get laid?
    I really hate, when guys in forums are telling that they can’t get women, and when you ask them, they don’t follow like half of the basic rules. Because “it doesn’t feel right”, or ‘it’s not me”, or other BS. Yeah if you are Brad Pitt’s and George Clooney’s lovechild, you can compliment, but even then it’s hurting your game, so wtf?

    As Magnum said, look at facebook, how much compliment they get! Or likes. So doing it before sex, 99% of the time you are just the same as those like-clicking beta puppy dogs.

  18. This is a fantastic principle, especially for beginners. Though, as a couple other posters have noted, it can also work very well depending on the situation.

    The thing is, and this is where it can sever one’s chances with a girl, is that most guys say things like “you’re beautiful” as an automated response, which takes away the value of the compliment. However, if it’s rooted in something (your preferences in women, etc.) then it can be effective.

  19. Yeah I never compliment a woman on her looks even after I fucked her. On a first date she knows you’re attracted to her by the kino and sex talk. I had one woman tell me that I’m the only guy who never gave her compliments on her looks even after I had sex with her.

  20. Everyone needs to hear they look sexy/hot/attractive. Of course hearing it during the initial stages of courting is pointless because clearly you’re physically attracted if you’re putting in the effort to engage in conversation and being flirtatious. Eventually once you get to know more about them and it then progresses to more than just that initial physical attraction.
    Now once things are in relationship status then it doesn’t hurt to reassure each other. I wouldn’t mind having him smack my ass and him telling me I’m a sexy beast once in a while just like I’d let him know that he is as well. It’s an en ego thing. We need to hear it to believe it sometimes.
    Of course his actions alone can reassure me but verbally hearing it would be arousing at least for me it would.
    About the person saying a woman having power/control over you. Umm really? I like to be in relationships where it’s equal and we treat each other with respect. I don’t want to be dominated unless it’s in bed. All I can say to someone with that type of thinking is:
    If you are more concerned about having more power in the relationship overall I strongly suggest you stay single until you actually understand how relationships should work.

  21. Lmao @TIM.
    Basically insulted a woman, the biggest turn off possible.
    I guess you can do little jabs, playful jabs, but never actual insults.
    Also big no no is to be opinionated and not light-hearted.

    Additionally, in my culture asking a woman her age is insulting and shows a lack of education.

    Anyhow, completely agree with this article.
    Essentially, complimenting a woman’s looks in the dating period shows neediness which is the worst possible trait one could show.

  22. this is so true! compliments from a guy are a turn off and makes the guy seem ‘nice’ but boring. Girls want a challenge too!

  23. It doesn’t matter how cool you act in front of her, if she’s not attracted to you she will never be attracted to you. If she is attracted to you, you will have to act either like a total pig or a spineless worm to get her to reject you. Women need compliments, even 10’s need to be reassured that she is attractive in her mans eyes.

  24. You have to admit that if a guy is giving you compliments about how pretty you are, your attraction for him reduces, at least a little.

  25. I am sorry I ever insulted you by calling your compliments a socalled crime of sexual socalled hassling was inappropriate for us to do as women. We are sorry we ever made men criminals for complimenting our breasts,cleavage and rears. We are sorry Jesus for making one the biggest mistakes in human history when regrettably we had innocent men jailed for telling us our bodies and their parts are lovely.

  26. Sexual and “street” harassment are both lies from Satan, the Devil used the Satan loving womens movement to brainwash women even on the internet to harass,judge,persecute,etc. men because they told them their breasts are pretty,cleavage nice,etc. Its disrespectful to complain about strange men complimenting your appearance, its also rude for police to coerce men into making an insincere I am sorry apology for something as ridiculous,trivial,inoffensive as saying you rear and cleavage is lovely. Those who call compliments,whistling,grabbing,etc. hassling will be in eternal pain in hell. Why shouldn’t a man compliment a ladies appearance? What? Thats the stupidest thing you have ever said. Makes no sense. Very inappropriate the way women today react childishly when ever someone says something nice about their appearance of their bodies,cleavage,etc. Satan told America to cage men who compliment women deceived by the satanic femeanists.

  27. Yeah, I avoid it. It sends off the wrong signals as if you have some type of complex where you’re intimidated by them & feel that they’re better than you. Attractive women don’t have sex with men who kiss their ass.

  28. I agree with the majority of people on this. Your advice doesn’t hold, not even most of the time.

    I’m willing to bet that it does hold in SOME cases, but that’s not to say you should act this way across the board. Consider context, definitely have some self-respect and never stoop yourself to a woman’s feet and be yourself, and you should be fine.

    I believe it works some times, depending on the type of woman you’re talking to. Is she sexy and does she seem like she absolutely knows it? That would be a great instance to probably think about utilizing this advice. I can’t think of any cases outside of that context.

    IN SUM, any readers considering this advice should, in the end, use it judiciously.

  29. Is she sexy and does she seem like she absolutely knows it? That would be a great instance to probably think about utilizing this advice. I can’t think of any cases outside of that context.

    Then if you truly believe that, do the 20 Woman Experiment and focus on women who are not “super sexy”, like 6s-7s. Then come back and tell me that telling 10 normal women in a row they were hot before you fucked them made no difference whatsoever in your results.

  30. I agree with almost everything that was said, other than the “player tone” of the article and one other important point that I believe BlackDragon did not state: No matter how “hot” a girl is, she most certainly will still be somewhat self-conscious about her looks. (There is a lot of competition out there, ie. models, etc). When you do not compliment her about her looks—in the dating/courting phase—you will persuade her to somewhat evaluate if she is good enough for you. In other words, if you are making her think “maybe I’m not that attractive after all” by not complimenting her about her looks, that works in your favor because the no-complimenting-strategy subtly plays on her insecurities, and hence brings down her self-esteem. And we can all agree about what girls with lower self-esteems are more prone to do?

  31. OK you got me. I have a really bad habit of doing this and not a very good success rate. Why do we do this? There must be some reason because a lot of men do it. What can we do to remind ourselves to stop this? Some kind of tip, slogan to remember,
    something like your comment visualize me punching you in the face…

    OK here is my lame attempt at an excuse.
    On line dating. The woman is overweight but not a lot. She has humungus breasts (42DDD)something I like. She is crying in her profile that people should stop insulting her and just move on.

    So, I tell her I think she looks sexy, I like big breasts and you don’t really see them on skiny girls unless they are fake…

    We have a date planned, I will let you know…

  32. I have a really bad habit of doing this and not a very good success rate.

    Of course.

    Why do we do this? There must be some reason because a lot of men do it.

    Habit and outdated biology, both of which are responsible for all kinds of stupid male behaviors.

    What can we do to remind ourselves to stop this?

    I would write up a note card and put it in your wallet. Then every time you’re on a dating site, or out meeting women, or about to walk into a first date, pull it out and re-read it. “I am strong enough to never need to compliment a woman’s appearance in order to get laid” or something like that.

  33. It really depends on how it is said (not just how “confidently”) and how the rest of the man is. Many times it can be a turn off, like if he seems desperate or he’s only saying that because he wants to fuck.

    I think a lot of your advice would work on a certain type of girl, and is for guys whose only objective is to fuck girls.

  34. I think a lot of your advice would work on a certain type of girl, and is for guys whose only objective is to fuck girls.

    What other objective would a guy have on a date? Even a wimpy beta male looking for a monogamous relationship still wants to fuck the girl, and as quickly as possible.

  35. I agree with this post. Telling a beautiful women that she is beautiful only makes you look like all the other guys. The question is, “What do you say to a beautiful woman? What does she want to hear? Do you have a post on that one?”

  36. The question is, “What do you say to a beautiful woman? What does she want to hear? Do you have a post on that one?”

    There’s no real difference in what you say to a woman based on her appearance. Plus you don’t want to talk very much on a date anyway. The only difference in my experience is that you have to be even more confident and outcome independent if she’s really super hot (a high 9 or 10).

  37. Girl here. I don’t know in which country you live (I’m guessing to US), but let me make something very clear to you: this is NOT how things work elsewhere.

    Women, in fact, will always want to hear what men genuinely find intriguing about them. Of course you should sound confident while complimenting her, but the most important thing is to be honest. If a man tells me some standardized “dayum, you’re hot gurl”, of course it’ll get me annoyed.

    If you really take the time to put some actual thought into what you will be telling her, chances are she’ll appreciate it. Because, you know, words ARE part of flirting, getting to know each other, and – newsflash! – any conversation.

    Again, this may be different in the US, but here in Europe, you won’t get far with that attitude. And ESPECIALLY not with Italian women.

  38. I don’t know in which country you live (I’m guessing to US)

    Yep. US.

    but let me make something very clear to you: this is NOT how things work elsewhere

    I think it is how it works in most places in the Western world but I’m sure there are exceptions.

    If you really take the time to put some actual thought into what you will be telling her, chances are she’ll appreciate it. Because, you know, words ARE part of flirting, getting to know each other, and – newsflash! – any conversation.

    Not one thing you said had anything to do with whether or not you’ll actually have sex with a new guy and how fast you’ll let him do it. As a woman you want appreciation and that’s fine, but I’m talking about sex here, and demonstrated appreciation is usually inversely proportional to how fast a woman has sex with a new man.

    You didn’t say that verbal signs of appreciation makes your pussy wet and makes you want to tear your clothes off, so your statement leads me to believe that what I’m saying does indeed apply to where you live (Italy).

  39. They forgot one HUGE reason to NOT compliment a girl too soon…..
    Many girls are insecure — they have low self-esteem. Receiving praise from others when she feels negatively about herself elicits discomfort because it conflicts with her existing belief system. If she believes she’s truly undesirable, hearing compliments about how attractive she is will feel jarring and inauthentic.
    The resistance girls with low self-esteem have to compliments can be especially pronounced when the praise comes from potential relationship partners.
     
    Why would a girl with low self-esteem react so strongly to such praise from a guy?  The answer is that any form of praise that comes from a guy can make girls with low self-esteem feel pressured to live up to the heightened expectations such praise implies. Because her confidence in herself is low, a girl with low self-esteem fears she won’t be able to sustain her efforts and she’ll end up disappointing the guy. 
    I paraphrased this from another website, but its a valid point!

  40. Negging ONLY works if it’s a part of you. If you have to think about it you’re doing it wrong. I can be a pretty big ass hole not because I’m negging, but because that’s how I’ve always been. Ex: A few days ago a co-worker of mine and I are talking. She’s being rude calling me arrogant and such , and just talking a lot of shit. I tell her I have 1 thing for women with big mouths. She immediately stopped being rude and thought it was funny. I didn’t think about negging her. I just said it because that’s me being myself.

  41. i think I see the point. saying you like someone’s appearance is polite way of saying you want to have sex with them, or at least fondle their tits, etc. Well, even when you say crude things in a nice way, they can still come off as crude. I cant think of many girls whove responded positively to a compliment on appearance when they havent already reciprocated interest. see, when two people like each other, its kinda obvious to each. We sorta ask with our bodies and in seconds the two kinda already know. So when one compliments the other at that point, its just flirting. When you dont exactly get that great vibe, there really is no point to telling someone you want to fuck them, then, because its already been decided. Youre basically ignoring the conversation youve had and start another, more blatant and awkward version of the same conversation!

    So, wait, whats the point of complementing? i mean, people do it all the time, for some reason, so it must have a time and place! Well, I looked up a definition or two, along with the etymology (always enlightening), and the gist is that a compliment is when you politely congratulate or praise. You may think you’re doing that, but since when is it polite to imply that you want to fuck someone you just met? Let her get to know you a bit first, jeeze! The correct way to compliment someone’s appearance is when it actually has context. If the setting demands that the girl look good, like a formal dinner or an occasion where everyone is in essence showing off their affluence or stature  through clothing or their appearance, and you tell her ‘you look great’..well i think that works just fine. Or anytime you can actually say it in the same manner as ‘how do you do?’ ‘nice day we’re having’ ‘long day?’ and other polite small talkey stuff. Or if something happens, such a little spill or the girl falls down for a second and their is the possibility she may feel she doesnt look right, telling her she looks good is extremely polite thing to do! That one especially works and women who want you to compliment her will act like she thinks she doesnt look good so youll tell her. crazy girls might actually fish for compliments that way, but a woman who wants you to be able to compliment her appearance within the correct context might throw you that bone! The point is, a compliment fulfills a function having to do with proper MANNERS. Not flirting, Make it come in the context of being polite and I think it can have the impact you mean it to. People love hearing they look good. They love getting compliments PERIOD. They just prefer they occur in the correct context

  42. Is it OK to compliment a women on something other than her physical looks – like perhaps a particular piece of jewelry (“that’s a nice necklace” etc.) or perhaps just her overall appearance, by saying something like “you look nice tonight” etc.?

  43. Is it OK to compliment a women on something other than her physical looks

    Yes. Saying she’s smart or fun or has a great energy, etc; all of those are fine.

    like perhaps a particular piece of jewelry (“that’s a nice necklace” etc.)

    That’s borderline, and my answer is no. I wouldn’t do that (and don’t).

    perhaps just her overall appearance, by saying something like “you look nice tonight” etc.?

    NO. That’s complimenting appearance.

  44. Great article bro. I think that most guys knows this subconsciously but it takes a few turns around the earth, probably around 30, to really get this article. Looking back at times where I didn’t care for a girl at all, didn’t even think of having sex with her as my main objective and I was myself without thinking about it or worrying about her opinion, that’s when they would grab me and take me to the bathroom. Whenever ive been in my head (the one on my shoulders) and looking for the perfect thing to say to not mess things up is when things went bad. Good reminder , Thanks.

  45. Hey

    Great post!!!!!

    Just want to convey my experience remember being at a work xmas party years ago when I was 19. She was 27.

    Back then I genuinely had no intention of hitting on her as only dated girls my age and she was an older woman in my head way out of my league. Plus we had worked together for about 9 months with no sexual chemistry.

    She was wearing a really nice black dress that highlighted her figure and strutting her stuff on the dance floor. I was sitting beside her at one stage and commented “Marie you look amazing when you let your hair down – your dress really suits you!”

    Anyway she pursued me vigorously the next night we were out in the pub about a month later. I remember asking her after we had sex where all the heat came from. She said it was my compliment to her at the xmas party. That was the first time I was with a woman that outside my direct age bracket.

    But I always remembered this (fact that the compliment got a woman i perceived as untouchable into bed with me) and used it over and over again with other women to great success.

     

     

  46. This is an interesting debate. What DO you talk about then? Boring topics like the weather? Or maybe pretend to be interested in what she’s studying at school? I went on a date with a 19 yo a few weeks ago and the date was dry as the sahara because (admittedly) I didn’t know what I was doing. But then, I’m kind of a social retard to be fair.

    Anyhow, we talked about all kinds of things, and I know I was outcome independent (even though, of course I still wanted to sleep with her) also pretty cocky and I shocked her multiple times, which yielded the “I-can’t-believe-you-just-said-that” look from her.

    She didn’t want to give me her number so I left the date on my own (was getting bored). Didn’t mean she wanted to sleep with me. Granted, I DID compliment her looks on 2 occasions:

    1. When I first saw her. “Hi, I know this is kinda random, but I thought you were cute and had to say hi” (any suggestions for a better opener BD?)

    2. She was talking about her sister being my age, and I was like “is she as cute as you?”

    So that’s it. Again, I KNOW I have OI and confidence, but sparking attraction seems to be my weakness as is socializing in general (which I cannot stand).

  47. What DO you talk about then? Boring topics like the weather? Or maybe pretend to be interested in what she’s studying at school?

    Listen to my podcast on how to have a first date. It lays out the entire conversational sequence.

    When I first saw her. “Hi, I know this is kinda random, but I thought you were cute and had to say hi” (any suggestions for a better opener BD?)

    Openers are near-irrelevant. When I used to do daygame, I got laid with openers like “Hi” and “Hey, what’s your necklace made out of?” Openers are the least important aspect of game in my opinion. They can be dumb and still “work.”

    She was talking about her sister being my age, and I was like “is she as cute as you?”

    Bad. Don’t do it.

  48. Ok, good to know. So basically, you’re approaching to set up a date. Is it a good idea to try and date her immediately if you can? or to just get her number and set up a date later? I had this one girl I was texting who seemed really flirty, but I was pushing for a meet at her or my place and she seemed a bit squeamish (or maybe I came across as too desperate?). Is it a bad idea to be so forward or how do you handle things when you want to lay her asap?

    I’ll check out that podcast as well, thanks BD!

  49. I don’t give daygame advice. You’d have to ask a daygame guy.

    Back when I did it (a really long time ago), I got the number and the followed up. But I’m no expert in this area.

  50. Every man should read this article. I had a guy tell me within the first 15 minutes that I was a goddess, beautiful and stunning before I got my first glass of wine. We went on a few dates. Every day he would call and text to say, “have I told you today how beautiful you are”. I was polite and always said thank you. This went on for weeks. Every day several times a day. I finally told him to stop telling me all the time because it didn’t feel special. The first date in the movie he tried kissing me and didn’t even know me yet.

    Don’t get me wrong I love being complimented but this much was way too much for even me. One of my friends calls it the “I got a live one”. Meaning he is going to think he is doing all the right things to keep you when he is pushing you away. After five dates, I was done. He never complimented me on anything else or even tried to get to know me.

  51. Funny thing is almost my whole life I had this mentality. Don’t  show to woman that you find her attractive with words. And every time I was being “tough” and didn’t care of the outcome it worked like a charm(women were most open to come to my place and have sex).  I had sex with my ex on the second date and I never complimented her, just kino and leaned on to kiss her. She was so crazy about me on the first 5 months, always saying how acting so indifferent towards her made her wanting me more. When I started showing her strong emotions she left me and blamed it all to how much i didn’t care for her. Then she hooked up with someone who follows her like a puppy everywhere.

    In fact I realized lately reading a lot about dating etc that almost all experts say the same thing. I did it unconsciously. And when I got to the point where I needed a special woman in my life, I tried exactly the opposite because of society programming. We all heard the “you must always compliment a woman”. And when I tried that on dating(in fact pushing myself to do it, but did it smoothly like “you have beautiful eyes” and rarely) it had the opposite result, the women would have been acting tough making you pursuing longer. Eventually I was getting bored and quit pursuing.

    If a woman is into you, all you need to do is lead her by asking good questions that will make her talk unstoppable and have some laughs then just kino and lean on to kiss her(I’m talking about when she is at your place). This will surprise her as you didn’t really show how much you like her up to that point. She will also be surprised by your no nonsense approach.

    This worked for me EVERY time(and all these women were sexy and clever, but I feel comfortable only towards feminine girls that are playful). Whenever I was not comfortable towards a woman and was OI I tried the exact opposite(complimenting) and NEVER worked.

    I think having this mysterious aura towards her, makes her think all the time “Does he want me or not? Am I good for him or is he just shy?” But telling her from the beginning how beautiful she is will either take long to have sex or kill the opportunity right there. Because you showed your cards. And no you are not gentleman, you are just another typical man in her life. Women tend to lie to themselves(unconsciously) when they say it attracts them when men compliment them on their looks.

    And I will dare to challenge every woman who commented here to tell us what kind of man attracted her quicker. The one that complimented her and was cute or the one that didn’t but knew how to lead the conversation pleasantly?

  52. I’m guessing most beautiful girls hear the whole “you’re very beautiful” line form every idiot who approaches them. Using the same line doesn’t make you any special, that’s for sure… Been there, done that hundreds of times….

  53. I’m a girl and I don’t particularly enjoy having my looks evaluated by guys.

    Complimenting my looks once or twice is ok, it’s not a deal-breaker, it may even put me in a good mood depending on how it’s said, but it doesn’t move the relationship forward either. It’s just empty talk to me. And when you do that too many times, it just makes you seem awkward and shallow / looks-obsessed. I’m not an object for you to gawk at. And who needs more obsession in appearances when the media is already doing a great job of promoting it?

    If you must compliment on appearances, there’s a certain way to do it.

    Compare “You have a sexy body” vs “You look fit, I bet you work out everyday”.

    Compare “You look great in this black dress. I like your style” vs “You look hot in this black dress.”

    Which do you think sounds more sexually objectifying? Which do you think helps to move the conversation further?

  54. The irony in this is the type of men who dont compliment women on there appearance naturally, not base off the information above or any intuitive intelligence tend too be “douchebags”. So do women like douchebags? Well yea until they relize 6 months in after sex that the compliment is never coming nor many of any nature. It’s really kind of funny women are attracted to traits that make them feel less than they are, as if you don’t expect to hear about yourselfs later. Not saying I’m ain’t going to follow the advice, but I kind of feel guilty and also question wether I’d be so manipulative if I really liked a person. Certainly this is good advice for getting laid.

  55. This is pure Gold!

    The best advice that a guy looking to score attractive women can ever receive in the modern-age. I only wish I had known this like 10 years back! I am still only 30 – so I have time to catch up and make-up for all the rejections from hot girls before.

    Come to think of it, it is the same when folks compliment me on my intelligence at work- I ignore it when it comes from dumb or ignorant people (I do acknowledge that intelligence, like beauty, is also relative), but I am genuinely happy when it comes from truly intelligent and wise people whom I admire (this is very very rare). Their compliments will make me work harder. This is the same with super hot women I guess.

  56. Is it ok to compliment 4’s or 5’s.  I am 54, and I have had my eye on a 25-ish girl.  I have had my eye on her for a few months.  She has a few extra pounds on her, and is not pretty, but is certainly do-able.  I do like her physically, as opposed to another young skater who had shown interest in me going a few years back, but I just could not find any angle on her that I liked.  I see her at the skating rink. (I roller skate well)  Since before I started reading PUA stuff.  I have been reading and studying now for about 3 weeks.  She is the type of girl, in my estimation, that falls through the cracks.  The girl that her own age group of guys, boys, does not pay attention to.  The type of girl who seldom gets a compliment.  Am I off base thinking a compliment would work here, or is it better to compliment NO woman?  I certainly see not complimenting any 8+.  Even not complimenting an average chick, 5, 6, 7.  This girl is a bit below average.  Would she be more receptive to  compliment.  Your thoughts?  (and YES, I am working on expunging my social programming to quit wanting to give a girl a compliment. I just wonder if it might be a plus in this case)  I have only done a few cold approaches.  Just warm ups, just chatting, getting eye contact, watching body language.

  57. I agree not to complement chicks on their appearance before fucking them, but this one exception messes with my head. Reason is I do a lot of daygame and the way I got started with it was through reading Nick Krauser who is all about direct complement style openers.
    In my experience doing maybe around 200 sets like this, super direct complement opener, but a specific complement, like ask yourself what it is that made you want to stop that girl and talk to her and then go tell her, so an example for me could be “hey I really like the way your hips move when you walk” or “how tall are you?” Tells me her height “I really like tall chicks. I once had a girl who was six feet tall and she would wear high heels a lot so she would look taller than me sometimes and i thought it was really sexy” for some reason those two worked many times to stop the girl, have a conversation and get her number so I still use variations of them sometimes as canned openers sometimes for tall chicks or a chick with a really nice walk if i can’t think of something better.
    Complement opener almost never works for me, but I’ve seen Krauser and other direct day gamers pull it off correctly like that’s the primary way they operate.
    I have way more consistent success opening with something that’s not a complement. I almost completely stopped doing it.
    *besides the direct opener I normally refrain from complementing on their appearance at all until we’re fucking*
    Sometimes I still try the direct opener though just for kicks to see if I can figure it out. It seems to me that the key to it is that the complement is a “pull” so you have to balance it out with something that teases or challenges the girl, a “push”. So it’s not just a complement but a push pull kind of statement. I understand it in theory and when I see it, but I’m still struggling to put it into practice.

  58. Compliments?  We all know if women didn’t have pussies we wouldn’t talk to them.  Ever.  About anything. Even with pussies it’s often not worth the effort.  Normal conversations are not common, small talk is painfully stupid.  Real conversation about anything deep nearly impossible.  If you’re horny enough & you meet a lady who likes you for whatever reason then it might be worth time invested.   Always conduct yourself with good etiquette, but do that for yourself.  

    Women believe everything they think, & most think they’re better than you.  Even women that resemble live stock get offers from guys who fuck anything in huge numbers especially in the internet age so most all women think they look attractive.

    Studies say 50% of american women are obese, Jabba the Slut is huge-er than ever.  Account for just plain ugly, & the fact women start to lose their looks by 25 there aren’t many hot girls anyway as a percentage.   Pile on lack of personality or some other form of dysfunction that results in ugly on the inside & you’ll find very few women are appealing to you.

    Whenever a man asks himself “what is she thinking” the answer is usually who cares, then you get back to thinking about something important.

    Why doesn’t science attract women as a profession?  Logic, truth, & reason.

     

    The cows give out milk for free.   It’s cliche but go about your business & live your life.

    Some girl will think you’re worth fucking if you are worth fucking.   Sometimes you hit a dry spell but in my experience 90% of my adult life has a woman I sleep with regularly.   Girls will let you know if they like you.  Take maybe as a no, it usually is.

  59. Oh & one other thing.  It’s possible women don’t respond well to compliments as a form of projection.  We’ve all seen on FB some girl who isn’t pretty post a pic or pics trying to look good then has only women commenting how pretty she is & other nonsense.  While in reality the posting party is not attractive.   Women lie to each other on almost a daily basis, often disguised as a supportive statement.

    It’s true a liar won’t believe anyone else.

  60. I love receiving compliments from guys (that I think are good looking).  I always say “thank you!” either way.  Not every girl is full of herself and gets a huge ego from it – I find them to be flattering.  However, I would not consider myself to be “hot”. Oh, and I also compliment guys; I like giving them compliments!

    Compliments? We all know if women didn’t have pussies we wouldn’t talk to them. Ever. About anything. Even with pussies it’s often not worth the effort. Normal conversations are not common, small talk is painfully stupid. Real conversation about anything deep nearly impossible.

    I can see how this makes sense unfortunately.  I would consider small talk to be talking about your day at work, the weather, etc.  As a woman, I’d like to know what topics/conversations you guys consider to be worthwhile and interesting?

  61. Yes Bulma all women like compliments. The issue here is attraction. A guy complimenting you in pre date or date phase looses points in the attraction area. Even if the guy gets you in the end, in your subconscious you don’t want a man who drools over you.

    The deal here is this: You are surrounded by 5 men all are handsome. The 4 are drooling over you saying “You glow today”, “You are gorgeous” every single day. The 5th guy just passes by you just saying hi with a confident tone and a smile. Without knowing the real reason for this, you will be attracted by the 5th guy much more than the rest. Of course I’m oversimplifying here but you get the point.

  62. How would you clearly convey your sexual interest in her without complimenting her appearance? So you get her number and eventually pitch the date, but what should be done in order for her to not mistake the ‘romantic’ first date as a mere friendly get-together? I know that within the context of a dating site it is easier for her to figure it out but the question is for a girl you have met outside a dating site

  63. How would you clearly convey your sexual interest in her without complimenting her appearance? So you get her number and eventually pitch the date, but what should be done in order for her to not mistake the ‘romantic’ first date as a mere friendly get-together? I know that within the context of a dating site it is easier for her to figure it out but the question is for a girl you have met outside a dating site

    This is only an issue (maybe) with social circle game. With online dating, night game, or daygame, she’ll know exactly why you’re texting her and asking her out. Women aren’t stupid. It’s true that some women (particularly over-33s) may use that excuse (“I didn’t know you liked me that way!”) as a way to get out of sex, but it’s an ASD excuse and a lie. Again, women aren’t stupid.

    If it’s purely social circle game (a woman you already know and/or have met through other co-workers or friends), then yeah, you need to ramp up the sexual vibe a little bit.

    Also, if you’re following my overall dating advice, your sexual frame on the first date/meet is very strong.

  64. Gil Galad – Don’t ever feed a psycho troll like that again. You know better. This is your only warning.

  65. @BD: I know the rules and was under the impression that your tolerance to (what counts as) trolling varies a little, and to me, her comments seemed in the grey zone of vehement disagreement: she got pretty reasonable in the middle and went psycho in the end, at which point I left, and she quietly left too. The exchange didn’t seem sterile to me (useless talking to her, informative for whoever reads it, but that applies to many other comments here). I personally think you’re less tolerant than a year ago. But hey it’s your blog, understood.

  66. her comments seemed in the grey zone of vehement disagreement: she got pretty reasonable in the middle and went psycho in the end

    Incorrect. She threatened violence in her very first comment. Clear violation of rule number two. I’m not discussing this further.

  67. How would you clearly convey your sexual interest in her without complimenting her appearance? 

    Its not that hard, just playfully flirt and complement stuff that isn’t her appearance. Like how you enjoy her company, her goals etc. And like BD said if you have a sexual frame (meaning you aren’t trying to just get cheap attention like a scrub) right out of the gate the chick will know what you want.

    And different than what BD says (in my experience anyways) 33+s appreciate this a lot and will have sex with you pretty easily if you have a solid frame. Its chicks under 25 who talk about the ASD and stuff (and paradoxically, will allow themselves to get railed hard by bad boys, club promoters and drug dealers etc.). Again that’s just my experience in my location. All the chicks I’ve had sex with this year have been around 35 and none of them mentioned ASD.

  68. @BD: on second thought, you’re right. I must’ve been less attentive to those parts of her comments. My mistake.

  69. Wow a guidline to get women into bed like its a sport. And experiments that involve using actual women , most unknowing,lets not kid ourselves. How very ethical.

  70. This thread has been going for a couple + years now.

    Did anyone take Dragon up on his experiment?

    In my personal experiences, he is 100 percent correct when it comes to this.   Unless, as the first poster claimed, you know you are clearly of a higher value than the other lady.

    (For instance, I doubt Bill Clinton needs Blackdragon’s tips)

     

  71. I think this article has truth but with SOME misconception. YES if I compliment a girl and says shes gorgeous and nothing else she will look at you like a 5 year old child and say how adorable. BUT if you approach in a different anddirect manner like I like the way your hair looks today because it gives you that professional business woman vibe. Or anything that paints a better picture of who she is. . Because that entails to her personality. Then, you can assume to build to rapport from that. I think it’s not as bad when you tied a compliment to an assumption- good or bad 😉

  72. Fuckin bullshit!! If the man I’m into tells me I’m beautiful all the other compliments are worthless .. too many fuckin games

  73. I think women like to be complimented. If a man doesn’t compliment me I’d worry that he didn’t find me attractive and move on. I think women like you to be genuine in your compliments and don’t just focus on her looks!

  74. Screw the women who would be an asshole over a compliment.. I wouldn’t want to date someone like that anyway.. this attitude makes them just like most other women in my mind, the same way complimenting then supposedly turns them off. 2 sides of the same coin.

  75. Hi BD. First time commenting but have been readingn your stuff for a while now. This is an old arricle but I’m hoping you will still answer my question. What if she compliments you? I’ve gone out on a date with a very attractive woman who I like(8.5 by my scale) and have a second date tonight. She has called me cute, sexy, etc….should I not compliment her back? I feel like Im going out of my way to be cold by not at least giving in a little. Ive just been flirting and trying to redirect or avoid. What happens if i give a genuine return compliment?…Im fairly confident I’m getting laid tonight so I guess it doesnt much matter.

    Mike

  76. This is very amusing. If she’s not into you, it doesn’t matter if you compliment her or not (unless she’s insecure or wants aytrntion).

  77. Compliments don’t work because it’s an instant signal that you don’t care about her as person, you only want to fuck. You’re smooging for the sale…nothing more. Women learn this quickly.

    Men are pathetic and none of you deserve sex.

     

  78. Compliments don’t work because it’s an instant signal that you don’t care about her as person, you only want to fuck. You’re smooging for the sale…nothing more. Women learn this quickly.

    I wonder how did you jump to this conclusion. You must be a woman.

  79. Men are pathetic and none of you deserve sex.

    So nice to see women provide thoughtful, rational analysis when trying to back up their points.

  80. How about complimenting her dress? “Thats a great dress?”

    Nope. Chances are really good that over 9000 people have already said this to her, from cringeworthy betas, to alpha 1s who are really betas in disguise (because both overvalue chicks), all the way down to her friggin parents.

    That’s right, when you compliment a chick’s appearance, you are telling her what HER PARENTS have told her.

    I mean if you are outcome independent you can get away with anything, but the only thing you can’t really get away with even if you are OI is complementing a chick’s appearance. Even if you say what I used to say which is “That _____ looks real good on you. I know I’m like the over 9000th person to say that probably. Oh well, I guess I’m the 9000 and 1st haha” it still shows that you are overvaluing her.

    Its much better just to tell her that she’s really cool, or you are enjoying her company, or she’s fun to be around or something.

    Even better than that, just treat her like one of your male buddies. Do you EVER overvalue your male buddies? Probably not. And that will take all the pressure off the chick and all of a sudden she’ll be groping you in public.

  81. Wow. So this actually is true…. coming from a female who has been compared to the Elizabeth Olson.  I think I’m average looking but I know people are always complimenting me on how beautiful I am.  1 man refused to compliment me right at the start then didn’t say anything more.  I sent him posed pictures of me looking perfect but still nothing.  Clearly I thought there was something wrong with him.  Yet he treated me like queen of the world.  It’s sort of refreshing to not have those compliments which I typically make a joke at like “thanks I grew my lips myself” as I roll my big beautiful eyes lol.

    Just don’t be a dick about the complimenting part.  I have had men assume that I hear it way too much and they say I don’t need to be told or they try to put down my looks.  That doesn’t work.

  82. Depends on how the compliment is said and why you are saying it.. Basically I do not need your compliment or your sex.. until I get to know you a little better… What are you forming an STD Group ?

     

  83. What if she asks you directly about her appearance?    Something that has happened a decent amount lately is women asking me to qualify them.

    (example:   Do you think I’m pretty/hot?)

    In the context of this article, how do you reply in these situations?

  84. The easiest response would be to comment on something she consciously did as opposed to what she is. You could give her a thorough appraising look with a tension-building pause, further establishing that she’s doing the chasing and you’re doing the qualifying, and then, say, acknowledge that her choice of a piece of clothing or an accessory is a good match with the rest of the outfit. While you’re at it, you might as well take her hand to examine said article and inquire about its history and whether it carries any symbolism. And so on.

  85. What about foreign women (Polish, Ukranian etc.) who are more feminine and have already fucked them?

    Also what about complimenting any girl sexually? Such as, “your arse is fucking sexy and is turning me on.”

  86. Complimenting a woman on her appearance before you’e had sex with her is a dumb idea. I don’t think compliments about how cool or smart she is are a good idea, either. Just be a bit interested in what she’s saying is good enough. Mind you, that’s easier if she is saying something interesting. Get her to tell stories.

    On the other hand, I think compliments are fine AFTER you’ve had sex. Particularly right after. Particularly if she’s in a warm post coital glow after having multiple orgasms. Even DURING sex is fine.

    Also a good idea with long term girlfriends, particularly if they are feeling a bit insecure. Just gotta get the moment right, when they take it the right way. Never do it when they are pissed off and angry with you. It looks needy.

  87. I think that in some circumstances there’s an exception to this yet they’re very limited. I’ve applied this for in person and most online interactions and have found it to be consistent. It’s the rule yet I’ve found occasional exceptions, namely when sex is imminent and when grabbing her and growling “Mmmm, sexy” or “Foxy” to express arousal rather than lower her buying pressure. Completely different messages.

    However, I’ve gradually developed my own method for getting laid off an app called Whisper and I’ve found that when I get the girl’s pic after starting a conversation it adds some tension (and there’s a moment where both parties need to acknowledge whether or not mutual attraction is there on an otherwise anonymous posting app.)

    I’ve pulled more lays via this than any other (and after implementing your works I’ve become “that guy” among a group of strippers who all work/party/shag together. Thank’s Caleb!) yet the way it’s done continues to sexualize the conversation and from what I’ve seen is required to continue the interaction. Some dumbshit girls will just block and report you for something if they don’t think you meet their standards. Others will text me their address after a bit more banter and I’ll be on my way in a few minutes.

    It’s absolutely not ideal compared to other options you’ve talked about but it’s the best platform I’ve found I can work with my game (fuck Tinder, I’m 27, in shape, have a good “edgy” profile pic and it’s still ridiculous to pull there.)

    This principle is great for most circumstances. I’m a fan of GLL “Screening” and that’s been my mainstay from which I’ll launch into your methods for getting her in bed. I do a lot of same day lays this way, yet I’m curious what’s in your online system. Once I’ve digested the relationship handbook fully it’s next on my list.

    Thanks again for putting this material out here, I can’t think of too many other people who have altered my life in such a positive and drastic way.

  88. She was talking about her sister being my age, and I was like “is she as cute as you?”

    Bad. Don’t do it.

    Women harbour jealousy and rivalry for other women, but more so for the closest to them: mothers, daughters, relatives, friends (the more the closer). Most of all for their siblings.

    So, do it if you want their true being to reveal itself. Don’t do it if your goals are others.

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