Online Dating and Monogamy
Many of you have emailed me this article right here. I wanted to wait before commenting on it, because there’s so much there related to what I talk about. In one short two-page article, it covers:
- A man’s journey going from beta to Alpha.
- Online dating.
There are so many great observations in this article that directly relate to what I talk about regarding beta males, Alpha Males, online dating, Comfort Bombardment, NRE, moving in together too early, women’s biological wiring, open relationships, MLTRs, and monogamy…wow, there’s literally too much to address in this article with just one blog post.
So instead of going hog wild with a bunch of random topics, I’m going to discuss the primary premise of the article. Namely how flawed and disingenuous it is.
The article’s concern is that because online dating has become so prevalent and easy, it’s going to be harder for people to create and stick with monogamous relationships. It’s so “easy” now for people to dump that pain in the butt girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse that long term relationships are jeopardized.
What does this mean for society? Of course I’ve been discussing this topic for many years now. On the surface, this article is correct. Yes, it is indeed easier now for folks to find sexual partners. When reading this article I was reminded about something I heard Tom Leykis say on the radio about ten years ago:
“If you’re single and want to find someone to have sex with, go to Match.com. If you’re married and want to find someone to go have sex with, go to Classmates.com.”
I laughed when I heard that, but I didn’t realize at the time the huge paradigm shift that was taking place in society, and how right he was. To wit, a few days later I was listening to Dr. Laura on the radio (a conservative “Dear Abby” type show where people call in about their relationship problems) and sure enough, a woman was calling in about how her husband had been cheating on her…with a woman he had found using Classmates.com.
So the article is correct factually. Where it falls down is the premise. It notes “Jacob’s” new found ability to find new sexual partners whenever he wants, so he doesn’t have to worry about any one relationship not working out:
“I went from being someone who thought of finding someone as this monumental challenge, to being much more relaxed and confident about it”….Having met Rachel so easily online, he felt confident that, if he became single again, he could always meet someone else.
This is fantastic news. This one skill alone is probably one of the core skills every man needs in the 21st century. Hell, one of the three primary goals of the entire SMIC program is to teach guys how to get to the point where they can have sex with two new women within one month, whenever you want, even if you’re starting from complete scratch.
Why is this such an important skill? Because as I’ve been saying for many years now, on this blog and on forums and in books, a man without the ability to replace a new sexual partner quickly will always, always start clinging to the woman he happens to be with, even if that woman makes him very unhappy. Lack of dating/seduction skill in a man means that man will assume a scarcity mentality, get more needy, get oneitis, put up with more drama and bullshit and rules from his GF/wife, and make his life a less happy place. All bad. Here’s evidence of this from the article:
Whatever the flaws in their relationship, he told himself, being with her was better than being single.
Exactly. Because I’m a beta male pussy who doesn’t now how to get out there and have sex with new women quickly, I’m going to put up with this bitch who yells at me whenever I leave my socks on the floor and barks at me to take out the trash and “doesn’t let me” hang out with my buddies or buy that new truck. If there was ever any one, over-arching problem to male existence in the modern era, that may very well be it.
Having this skill is a very good thing. Why then, does the article starts hinting that having this ability may actually be a bad thing? It says this:
The positive aspects of online dating are clear: the Internet makes it easier for single people to meet other single people with whom they might be compatible, raising the bar for what they consider a good relationship. But what if online dating makes it too easy to meet someone new? What if it raises the bar for a good relationship too high? What if the prospect of finding an ever-more-compatible mate with the click of a mouse means a future of relationship instability, in which we keep chasing the elusive rabbit around the dating track?
“You could say online dating allows people to get into relationships, learn things, and ultimately make a better selection,” says Gonzaga. “But you could also easily see a world in which online dating leads to people leaving relationships the moment they’re not working—an overall weakening of commitment.”
Uh oh. If people can just dump their partners and get new ones whenever they want, stability, monogamy, and commitment will be damaged…
…but I’ve got news for you…
…that’s already happened.
Because women have already had that ability for decades. And have been using it with staggering frequency.
Since the Sexual Revolution of the late 60’s (which I consider a good thing), women have had the ability to dump their boyfriend or husband and instantly have sex, or a relationship, with someone new. Just about every woman under the age of 50, even the fat ones, know they have a line of guys waiting outside their door to date and/or have sex with them whenever they want.
Moreover, they have happily exercised that option over and over again…for about 40 years now. Three-fourths of all boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are terminated by the woman. 82% of all divorces are initiated by the woman. (And don’t forget the divorce rate is still over 60% in most American and European cities.) That’s a lot of women dumping a lot of men to quickly trade-up to new men.
Now unlike a lot of jaded guys in the Men’s Rights Movement or the Seduction Community, I don’t find this evil or wrong or sinister. I just view it as women doing what they are biologically wired to do. Just like when a married man who’s not getting any sex cheats on his wife, he’s not doing it because he’s “evil” or “selfish” or “hates is family”. No no. That’s all societal programming. He’s doing it because that’s what men have been biologically wired to do for about 200,000 years: have sex with chicks.
It’s just like when a woman gets a new exciting boyfriend, then after a few months or years gets bored with him, dumps his ass, and then gets a new boyfriend so she will be excited again. Women have 200,000 years of biological wiring to get bored with a male sexual partner after six months to three years. As always, human beings will act like human beings. This is why modern-day men and women who demand or expect monogamy are eventually always surprised, angry, and frustrated. You don’t have to like how human beings work, but you should accept it. I do.
Back to the point of the article. Since women know they can instantly dump their male partners and instantly replace them whenever the hell they want, and since they’ve been doing it for decades, strongly, I haven’t seen mainstream articles in print decry how scary or dangerous or terrible or wrong this is. Yeah, I’ve seen a few people complain, but most of them are really religious folks.
Other than that, I haven’t seen people freak out about the “instability of relationships” because women have figured out they can dump and replace men whenever they like. Moreover, I’ve seen articles praise this as a great thing for women. Even in the article it talks about life for women before they had this ability:
“Premarital sex used to be taboo,” explains Biderman. “So women would become miserable in marriages, because they wouldn’t know any better.
Exactly. As I’ve been saying forever, long term monogamy sucks just as much for women as it does for men, if not more so. Women shouldn’t be forced to stay with some boring, ass-kissing beta they don’t like, just like us guys shouldn’t be forced to stay with some drama-ridden bitch.
Do you see the problem yet? If you’re sharp, you already see the double-standard in this article I’m about to point out. Which is this:
The article, and society at large, doesn’t have a problem with “people” having the ability to quickly dump and replace their sexual partners. It has a problem with men having that ability. No one (outside of a few isolated thought communities) has been screaming about the stability of relationships because women have been dumping and divorcing men in mass numbers for 40 years.
See, women having that ability is noble and empowering and fair. But men now having that ability because of online dating…oh no…that’s a big problem and we all need to be concerned about that. See, men getting dumped and replaced by more masculine and exciting Alpha Males, that’s fine. But women getting dumped and replaced by nicer and more attractive females…oh, that’s bad. Can’t have that.
This is another notch in the exact trend I was discussing in my prior post. That is, as time goes on and as technology improves, men are going to start acquiring the same sexual abilities and options that women have been enjoying for decades. As I (and some of the commentors) mentioned in that post, a lot of people, (most of them women and beta males) are going to have a huge problem with this.
The fact that online dating has given even average beta-ish guys like “Jacob” in the article the ability to dump and replace his sexual partner whenever he feels like it, which is an ability women have had and used since the 70’s, now everyone needs to suddenly start wringing their hands about things like marriage and commitment and children and monogamy and stuff.
Oh boy. It has begun. It’s going to be a wild ride.