Why Monogamy Doesn’t Work
For those of you familiar with me already or are regular readers of this blog, this post is going to be very old stuff you’ve heard many times before, so you’re welcome to take the day off today. This blog has received a lot of new readers lately, so for their benefit I’m going to quickly walk through the essentials just to bring everyone up to speed. It will help put my other posts here in context.
My primary point: Monogamy is a very bad idea for the vast majority of the population of the modern western world. It doesn’t work and causes more harm than good.
My secondary point: If you know this and get monogamous anyway, you have no right to complain to anyone about your relationship problems. You dug your grave, now enjoy it.
The debate is actually two different sub-debates. The first is regarding long-term monogamy, or “Disney monogamy”, that I define as any monogamy expected to last at least three years or longer, and with zero expectation of cheating or a breakup/divorce or the relationship “going bad” at some point.
As an example, moving in together or getting married are examples of Disney monogamy, since that’s when monogamy is expected to last “the rest of your life”, or at least for many, many years.
The second sub-debate is regarding short-term monogamy or serial monogamy, which is a monogamous relationship where you might like things to go past three years, but don’t really have that expectation or need. If you break up before three years, it might be a little sad, but it’s more or less okay with you, and then you move on to get temporarily monogamous with the next sucker, uh, I mean, person.
Long-term Disney monogamy absolutely does not work. Depending on your age and where you live, there is a 50% to 68% chance that you will eventually get divorced or break up at some point, and usually this breakup will be emotionally painful and destructive and may cause serious financial damage to one or both parties, as well as seriously emotionally damage children if there are any involved.
Of the people who beat the odds and stay together, more than half of these people end up cheating or getting cheated on. Which means…guess what…by definition you aren’t monogamous any more, and monogamy has failed once again.
This bears clarifying because a lot of people really misunderstand this (or refuse to admit it). Let me be clear: If you are in a relationship where you have tolerated a cheating partner, you are in an open relationship whether you admit it or not. You are not practicing monogamy. You can say you’re monogamous all you want. You aren’t. I’ve had a lot of people defend their “monogamous” relationships to me only to later admit that they’ve recently cheated or their partner has cheated. I always find that amusing.
Of the small percentage of modern-day people who get together, stay together forever, and never cheat, more than half of these people end up in a bad marriage where they just “put up” with each other because they fear a divorce more than their continual suffering. Many of you have grandparents or elderly parents who fall into this category. They’re together, but they’re not happy together.
There are stats available everywhere to confirm the numbers above. If you don’t believe me, by all means don’t take my word for it. Do the research yourself and you’ll see I’m correct. You can start with the free ebook on this topic I wrote several years ago. It’s right here.
When all the stats are crunched, it leaves approximately 13% of the population who can make long-term monogamy work. Hilariously, almost 100% of the population, likely including YOU, think they’re in this 13%. Have you ever seen those surveys that show 75% of people think they’re “above average” in looks? It’s the same moronic phenomenon with the Disney monogamy stuff. Everyone thinks they’re special. Uh, no. Only a few people are special. That’s why they’re called special. Moreover, being “special” in this case is not a very good thing. I shall explain.
Let me now prove to you why you’re not in that 13%, and why that’s perfectly okay and not as horrible a thing as you think. We know from stats and research that these 13% almost always:
A) have low sex drives
B) are boring people very satisfied living a boring life
C) tend to fall in love with other low sex drive, boring people
If any one of the above categories do not apply to you, any one of them, then you are not in that 13%. Your desire for sex and excitement or your partner’s desire for these things will eventually, maybe not right now but eventually, terminate the relationship or destroy the monogamous aspects of it by cheating.
Thus getting into a long-term monogamous relationship or marriage and expecting it to last forever monogamously or expecting it to make you happy long-term is a very silly, dangerous, and destructive thing for you to do, and not only for you, but for your partner and current and future children. Better options are getting an open marriage, or a swinger marriage, or never getting legally married (just move in together, have kids, and write up a parenting plan), or if you want to take the worst option, become a permanent serial monogamist. Serial monogamy is still problematic, but it’s better and less destructive than Disney monogamy by far.
Which brings us to the second argument regarding serial monogamy, i.e. monogamy that is not expected to last very long. Serial monogamy is way better than Disney monogamy, but it’s still not ideal because it creates massive amounts of drama and emotional ups and downs in peoples’ lives. Once the NRE honeymoon period ends (usually lasting around three months), drama slowly begins, intensifies, then an eventual breakup occurs, then a new relationship begins with someone new, and the silly cycle repeats.
The serial monogamy lifestyle is chaotic, dramatic, tedious, a hell of a lot of work (in some ways, more work than Disney monogamy, since Disney monogamy is at least monotonous and predictable) and while it may satisfy certain needy emotional needs, it does not make people long-term happy.
However, if you are one of those high-emotional types who truly “like” relationship drama (and I know there’s a lot of you out there!) then I suppose serial monogamy is an acceptable thing for you. However, as I said at the very beginning, you do not have the right to whine, bitch, and complain about your dramatic relationship problems, because you have chosen monogamy specifically for these problems. If you hit yourself in the head with a hammer because you “kinda like pain”, I don’t ever want to hear you complain your head hurts. Feel the pain you’ve chosen and shut up. If you don’t like the pain, stop hitting yourself with a hammer and do something else.
I’m sorry to be so simple, but that really is how this works.
People who get into monogamous relationships even while fully understanding the problems of said relationships also tend to be people who place a lower value on their future happiness. Their happiness now is all that matters. They will say things like, “Why are you bothering me about something that might happen years down the road? I’ve never been so happy! If I get a divorce/breakup or get cheated on down the road, who cares? I’m happy NOW. So leave me alone.”
These are people who “don’t mind” if they get divorced or cheated on or have a huge horrible breakup…just as long as it happens far down the road at some distant point in their future.
One of the core aspects of an Alpha existence is long term happiness. The only way to achieve this is to value your future happiness every bit as much as your present happiness. Thus a true Alpha (not a Needy Alpha) avoids monogamy, as well as long term legal commitments to women in his personal life, specifically for this reason. Being happy now but angry later is no victory. But that’s a big topic for another time.
So while I do consider short-term serial monogamy a notch or two “less bad” than long-term Disney monogamy, that’s not saying much. One doesn’t work at all. The other is a constant up-and-down roller coaster of highs and lows. Open relationships (FB or MLTR), with an OLTR or OTLR marriage as the endgame goal, is a much better path for the vast majority of people in the modern era and in the western world. (I am not talking about past eras, and I’m not talking about cultures outside of the western world.)
Millions of people all over the western world now have open relationships or (discreet) open marriages. I’ve talked about these on this blog and in my ebooks extensively.
Of course I’ve left out a lot of the side points, but this is just a summary. Every excuse you can think of against what I’m saying I’ve addressed before in my other writings, including that free ebook I mentioned. Again, if you think I’m completely full of shit, if you think I’m making all this stuff up, that’s fine. Google around and locate the all data, studies, and statistics on your own. You’ll find the exact same statistics I’ve described (plus or minus a few percentage points based on the individual stat or study).
Regardless, saying “monogamy doesn’t work” is only the first step. It’s only defining the problem. The real mission is to determine other more realistic, more happy, less harmful life paths that still satisfy your emotional, societal, sexual, and Disney needs. There are many and I’ve written about all of them. FB, WD, MLTR, OLTR, live-in OLTR, OLTR marriage, swinging, etc.
Contrary to what you’ve been told your whole life, you have many other viable options in life besides monogamy, even if you want to “settle down” and have kids.