Ashton Kutcher

THIS MARRIED THAT

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THEN FUCKED THIS

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AND GOT THAT

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IF HE WAS SMART, HE COULD HAVE JUST DATED THIS

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WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE THAT

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AND FUCKED THIS

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AS WELL AS THIS, THIS, AND THIS

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WHILE KEEPING THAT

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AND THIS

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BUT BECAUSE HE BOUGHT INTO THIS

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HE’S NOW GETTING THAT

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That covers moronic Ashton.  Now for disingenuous Demi.  You didn’t know this, but I can read minds.  Here’s her statement to the AP regarding the divorce.  I will add in the parts she was thinking but didn’t actually say.

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton…

“…because happiness in long-term monogamous relationships only lasts about three years.  When he started fucking other chicks, that was just the last straw.  In all honesty, I was already considering divorce, being so far past that three-year point.”

As a woman, a mother and a wife…

“…I have to make sure I put ‘mother’ and ‘wife’ in there so all the women hearing about this will relate to me and automatically take my side…”

…there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred…

“…like cheating on my husband.  After all, if someone lies and cheats on you, the mature response is to lie and cheat back…”

…and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life…

“… because traditional marriage is a prison, a horribly confining and boring experience once you get past the first three years, especially for a successful and attractive woman like me.  Wow…I married a horny 27 year-old goofball celebrity and expected him to be monogamous forever.  I was stupid as hell.  What the fuck was I thinking?”

This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation…

“…unless I’m promoting a movie or TV show, which is almost all the time.  Then you need to completely ignore what I just said and pay huge amounts of attention to me and my personal life so I can continue to have my ego validated and make millions.”

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

4 Comments on “Demi Moore Divorce

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