Hi mom! Guess what? I just married a softmore!

I tried not to comment on this, but you fuckers asked.  “BD how could you of all people not talk about this?”

Assholes.

As is usually the case, everyone is asking the wrong questions, like “Who the fuck would marry a sixteen year-old?” and “They’re 35 years apart!  What they hell are they thinking?” and various other obvious questions we all already know the answers to.

The questions I ask when something like this happens are things like,

He’s a reasonably famous actor.  Did he make her sign a prenup?

Does he expect this marriage to a sixteen year-old to last the rest of his life?

Does he expect a woman who looks like this:

first date advice, first online date, online dating advice, meaning of an open relationship, traits of an alpha male
Courtney Stodden

…to remain monogamous for the rest of her life?  Remember, although she doesn’t look it she’s only 16.  That means she has a good 15 years left in her prime before her looks begin to fade.  Does he really expect monogamy from this gal for the next 15 years straight?

Again, he’s a reasonably famous actor.  Does she expect monogamy from him for the rest of their lives?  Yeah he’s ugly, but so what?  He’s a reasonably famous actor who looks fantastic for his age, made it all the way to age 51 without ever getting married, and has enough balls to marry a 16 year-old.  There’s some Alpha there.  Does she really think long-term monogamy is in the cards for him?

Those are the questions in my mind.

The most likely answers to these questions, based on what I’ve read at least, is no, there is no prenup, yes, they expect this marriage to last, and yes, they expect each other to remain monogamous.

Therefore, just like the vast majority of marriages, this marriage is stupid beyond belief…but not for the reasons everyone is thinking.  Everyone’s hung up on the age thing, and that has very little to do with it (though I’ll address that in a minute).  If the situation was identical except he was 34 and she was 26,  I would still be saying this marriage was ridiculous (assuming there was no prenup and both expected life-long monogamy from the other).  Everyone’s hung on on age which is, by far, the least important aspect of this story.

What will happen, of course, is relatively soon one of them will get caught cheating, the other will be shocked/hurt/horrified/angry/sad, there will be a huge fight, they will “try to make it work”, more fighting, and then they’ll get divorced, and the very Alpha but very reckless Mr. Hutchinson will lose half of all the money he saved from Lost and Green Mile so his teenage ex-wife can buy some more cocaine and fuck her photographer.

Now to the age issue…

To those of you who are saying “Ew!  She’s only 16!  She’s just a child!”, look at those pics above and look me in the eye and tell me you would NOT fuck that if you had the opportunity and it was legal.  Honestly.  Look me in the eye, and tell me that with 100% complete honesty.  C’mon.  As Heartiste already talked about over at his blog, it’s not the age of the woman, it’s whether or not she has a fully developed female body.

As a man in his late 30’s, I’ve been with lots of 18 and 19 year-old girls in my day, and believe me, every single one of them had nice big boobs, fully-formed womanly hips, big round asses, and angular feminine faces.  If they didn’t have those things, I wouldn’t have gone near them (regardless of their age) and the thought of sex with them would disgust me.  If Doug’s new teenage wife looked like she was 12, I would join the “Ew, gross!” chorus.  She clearly does not look like that.  So everyone needs to stop acting shocked and calm the fuck down.

If a girl like that was 16 years old, and she looked like her, and 16 was clearly within the legal age of consent in my area, yes, I would fuck her.  (And if she was begging for it, you would too.)  I would even date her as a FB or perhaps even a low-end temporary MLTR if she was smart and mature enough (which at age 16 would be extremely unlikely).  But I would not get oneitis for her, I would never expect monogamy from her, I would not move in with her, I would not bare children with her, and I sure as hell would not marry her, and that’s where my main man Doug fucked up.

You date those kinds of chicks.  You fuck those kinds of chicks.  You don’t marry those kinds of chicks.    (Actually you shouldn’t marry any woman in the traditional manner, but that’s a different topic.)

Which brings us to the question of “He married a 16 year-old?  What the fuck was he thinking?”  He was thinking just as much as YOU were thinking when you promised that last girl monogamy, or when you moved in with that last chick who was Not Like The Rest™, or when that gal you were fucking accidentally got pregnant and you thought “Oops!  Oh well, I love her, so we’ll make it work.”  Which is to say, he wasn’t “thinking” at all.  Instead he was feeling oneitis and/or NRE.

Instead of making major life decisions based on critical thought, he made major life decisions based on the temporary flow of endorphins in his brain.  Just like YOU probably keep doing.  No, you probably don’t do it with gorgeous, big-breasted 16 year-olds, but like I said that doesn’t matter.  It’s stupid when you do it, it’s stupid when he’s is doing it.

The point of this blog, and of all my other writings, is to STOP guys from doing that.

Oh well.  He’s not the first guy to make this kind of mistake, and he sure as hell won’t be the last.  At least she’ll be able to buy a really cool car on her divorce payday in a few years, so there’s that.

6 Comments on “Doug Hutchison Courtney Stodden

  1. “Actually you shouldn’t marry any woman in the traditional manner, but that’s a different topic”

    in for that topic….

  2. In the US doesn’t the girl have to be 18yrs old or is it different rules for actors and entertainers!!!

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