I’ve gotten a slew of emails lately from many of you guys considering marriage, both OLTR Marriage and traditional monogamous marriage. I’ve also spoken with literally hundreds of men and women over the years who became engaged or who decided they wanted to marry someone.
The problem is the reasons people use to justify getting married. In a society with 70%+ divorce rates, if I ask you, “Why are you getting married?” you need to have a very specific, clear, valid, objective, rational reason. The standard bullshit Disney reasons people used back in the 1950s, when the divorce rate was only 8% instead of 70%, aren’t going to cut it today.
To help you snap out of your daze, here are the WRONG reasons why you would marry someone. They are listed in no particular order.
1. You don’t marry someone because you love them.
I get this one from women all the time. “Why are you getting married?” “Because we’re really in love!”
Buzz! Wrong. Being in love is not a valid reason to get married. Being in love is a reason to date someone, be serious with someone, and perhaps live with someone. Maybe. Being in love is not a reason to marry someone. Much or all of that “love” you feel is actually NRE and this shit will fade fast once you two get married. Moreover, you can be totally in love with someone and not be married. I know that’s a shock.
2. You don’t marry someone because they’re better than everyone else you’ve dated in the past.
This is the bullshit reason men often use. They drone on and on about how she’s Not Like The Rest™. I don’t give a fuck. That’s not a reason to marry someone. If the only reason you’re marrying a woman is because she’s the best you got so far, A) you’re not providing enough reasons to get married and B) you probably haven’t dated enough people yet.
3. You don’t marry someone because the sex is amazing.
Look dude, I get it. I have had several MLTRs and FBs in the past who were so amazing in bed that I could have sworn my mind had left my body during sex several times. That’s great. But few or none of those women would have been good people to marry.
If someone is good in bed, that’s great! Keep having sex with them under an FB or MLTR relationship. But for fuck’s sake, don’t marry them. You should never, never marry someone just for sexual reasons, and if you do, you’re a fuckin’ idiot.
4. You don’t marry someone just because they’re the first person you’ve had sex with.
Some more right-wing or traditional people do this. Because of wildly outdated Societal Programming, they think they “need” to marry the person who deflowered them.
I shouldn’t have to explain why this is a terrible idea. You need to have sex with many more people first, in order to know what you like and what you don’t like. And just like with #3 above, you never marry someone just for sexual reasons. That’s insane.
5. You don’t marry a woman just because you were stupid and got her pregnant.
In many ways, this is an extension of the rule you don’t marry someone just for sexual reasons.
Shotgun marriages don’t work. You’ll just end up divorced. In those kinds of situations, adding legal marriage to the mix just makes everything worse. Pay the stupid child support, be the best dad you can to the child, and move on. You don’t need some kind of marriage, relationship, or even sexual relationship with the mother. Her sex life / love life is her problem.
I have personally seen numerous divorces with couples who got married because of a baby-oops. Just because there’s a baby involved doesn’t mean the marriage will work. One has nothing to do with the other.
6. You don’t get married because you’re lonely.
In my primary book, I talk about one of the Six Societal Values called Not Being Alone. If you’re lonely, you need to first learn how to be alone and enjoy it before you get married. Getting married because you’re lonely is putting the cart before the horse. It actually works the other way around. If you don’t have the ability to be alone and happy, you will never be able to make a marriage work. Your neediness and scarcity mentality will damage your marriage and all kinds of problems will manifest.
7. You don’t get married because you want kids.
I made this mistake. If you want kids, that’s fine. Read this article and follow the steps it outlines. But before that, you need to understand two things:
1. Having children does not require marriage.
2. The desire to have children does not mean you have the skills to maintain a marriage.
Having babies and maintaining a 25+ year marriage with a woman are two completely different skill sets with very different personal and emotional requirements. Just because you have some biological need to Xerox yourself doesn’t mean you have the skills to have a successful marriage, nor does it even mean you need to get married, nor does it mean marriage will make you happy.
You might love being a dad, but being married to a woman for years on end might make you fucking miserable. Again, these are two different things!
8. You don’t get married because your parents or grandparents are giving you a hard time about you getting married or having kids.
FUCK THEM! Are they going to pay all of your bills for you for the rest of your life? Are they going to make all of your dreams come true? Are they going to watch all of your kids whenever you want for free they’re 18? Are they going to pay for all the exorbitant costs involved in raising your kids?
No? Then TELL MOM AND GRANDMA TO FUCK OFF. YOU ARE NOT AN ALPHA MALE UNTIL YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO DO THIS.
As I’ve said many times, do you think my mom approves of my lifestyle? Of course not!
I love my mom, but do you think I give a rat fuck what she thinks about my personal life?
Nope. That’s her problem. I’m too busy being happy.
9. You don’t marry someone because you’re “tired of dating.”
Oh god, I get this excuse so often. It’s so depressing to hear people say this.
If you’re tired of dating, then fine, stop dating. Lock in or two FBs or sugar babies, or get an OLTR if you really want one. But for fuck’s sake “stop dating,” does not mean “get married.” You can stop dating whenever the hell you want without getting married you fuckin’ moron.
10. You don’t marry someone because you “get along” with someone.
If you “get along” with someone, great, keep her at the OLTR level if you really like her. But “getting along” does not mean you take the financial, logistical, and legal plunge of getting married.
If I get enough requests, in a future article I will list the valid reasons why it might be okay to marry someone. (And that would be OLTR Marriage of course, since in the Western world there is never a reason for TMM.)