This is the seventh installment of the book that I never published regarding my history with women and the lessons I learned from it. If you haven’t yet, you should read parts one, two, three, four, five, and six before you read the article below, so you can be up to speed on where the story picks up. Everything below is all 100% true to the best of my memory, journals, and spreadsheet records, though all the names of the people described have been changed.
We last left off in winter of 2007. After failing in my first nonmonogamous relationship with Jenae, I continued to see Heather, a woman I liked even more…
With Jenae gone, I was free to see Heather more often, which I was very happy about. Heather was a lot more attractive to me, both physically and mentally. I started spending the night at her place twice a week (mistake!!!); it was easier for me to go to her house because often, she had her daughter.
We started getting very serious. I had feelings for Heather I hadn’t yet had for any other woman I had met that year, something deeper and more spiritual.
In the middle of all this, Marci suddenly stopped seeing me. One day, she just vanished, and stopped returning my texts. I was confused, but later I would learn this is very normal for FB’s. Though I didn’t have a term for it at the time, it was a classic LSNFTE; she had fallen in love with her new boss and didn’t need to see me anymore. Oh well. She’d be back later. They always come back.
With both Jenae and Marci gone, as Heather and I got more and more serious, I did a very dumb thing. I slowly stopped my online dating activities. My online dates grew less frequent, and within a few months, I realized that while I had not promised Heather monogamy, I was not having sex with anyone else but her. The dreaded de facto monogamy monster had caught me. I thought it was okay (de facto monogamous men always do), but I did not yet know the magnitude of the mistake I had just made. Oh, Blackdragon, you DUMBASS.
To be clear, I never actually verbalized nor promised monogamy with Heather. However, at one point, she mentioned that she was “worried” I was “still dating other people.” Before I realized what came out of my mouth, I mumbled something about how I really wasn’t going out on first dates anymore. Not exactly a denial, but another big mistake. It was just enough for her satisfaction to go up while her attraction went down. Not good.
In late December, while out at a hotel at the beach, Heather and I crossed the I Love You threshold. I told her I loved her. And I did. She told me she loved me, and how she was scared as to when to reveal this to me, and was thankful I said it first. It felt good.
But, it was not to be. Because I fucked up my frame, and because I broke all the rules (of which I wasn’t aware of yet), exactly two weeks after this moment, Heather broke up with me. She did it over email. When I asked her why, her answer was incoherent and full of woman logic. I don’t think even she fully knew why. But I did. It was because I had betrayed myself. I allowed her to turn me from an exciting Alpha Male to a boring and compliant beta male. Not badly, not to an extreme, but just enough where she subconsciously realized this very different type of man she was first dating was slowly becoming just like every other boring guy.
NEVER lose your frame. NEVER get 100% monogamous. Don’t see a woman more than once a week (unless she’s a long-term OLTR). Failure to do these things means the woman is more likely to leave you, and leave you sooner, because they kill attraction. Therefore, in a strange sort of way, the more you like a woman, the more important these things become.
I was sad, but there was some good news. This time around, I was not confused in the least, and I knew exactly what happened and why. Unlike when Athena broke up with me, and unlike when I divorced Lacy, this time I knew exactly why it happened and what I did to make it happen. I had allowed myself to get consumed with one woman. Falling in love with her was okay, but I should have kept at least one other woman on the side, I should not have seen her more than once a week, and I should not have lost my frame. All of that would have kept my masculinity up to the point where Heather would have stayed with me longer (even if she had complained I was not monogamous to her). I had worked against my own system, but instead of being confused, this time I fully understood the problem. Granted, it was still less than a year from of my divorce/separation, and I still was a beginner at all this.
As always, I took many notes about our relationship, including what I did wrong, what I did right, and analyzed it in the context of my past experience. Despite my failure, this time, and for the first time, I realized I was probably onto something. I would not make the same mistakes again.
Next time, it would work.
(Oh, and do you think Heather ever came back? Of course she did.)
Part eight of this story, when I really roll into true pickup-artist mode, is next. Coming soon.