It is perhaps the greatest fear men in the dating world have, particularly those in the US or Canada where child support laws are ridiculously unfair and oppressive towards men. She tells you she’s pregnant, or at least thinks she is. Regardless of if she’s just a FB or your serious girlfriend, you freak out. It’s actually worse if she’s just a FB, but regardless, it’s not a fun day.
I have written extensively on this blog and in my relationships book on how to take all the precautions necessary to ensure you never get a woman pregnant by accident. They’re not difficult if you just take a little time to prepare and control yourself. I’m an example of this. Despite having sex with a huge number of women over the last ten years, both with and without condoms, and despite having an extreme amount of sex as compared to the average man (on average 3 times a week for the past 10 years straight with no dry spells), I have never gotten a woman pregnant by accident.
I just want to reiterate that being a little organized in your sex life so as to have lots of sex without getting an STD or getting anyone pregnant is not difficult. If you ever have a serious scare where a woman is legitimately possibly pregnant from you, that means you were stupid and it’s all your fault.
So don’t be a dumbass. In a world with 11 forms of birth control, plus condoms, plus ovulation tracking apps, plus TRT, plus being able to control your own cock and pull out, plus vasectomy, there really is no excuse if you get a woman preggo by accident or seriously think you have. You were just stupid. So don’t be stupid.
I’m not going to rehash all the pregnancy prevention techniques here; today is about what to do after all of that, and you have a woman you’re seeing sexually telling you that she’s either pregnant or strongly suspects she is.
I have some experience here, in that twice in my life a FB or MLTR came to me saying she thought she was pregnant, or late on her period, or whatever. Two other times, an ex-MLTR or ex-FB had a baby that she suspected was mine. In all four cases, there was no baby or the baby wasn’t mine (because I’m not stupid) and I handled the situation calmly and cleanly, as I’m going to show you how to do now.
I’ll cover all three scenarios, 1) when she really isn’t pregnant at all, 2) when she’s pregnant, but it’s not your baby, and 3) she’s pregnant and it is your baby (i.e. you were stupid).
Whenever a woman tells you she’s pregnant, or strongly suspects she’s pregnant, here’s what you do.
1. Calm the fuck down.
The odds are very high, as in well beyond 50%, that either she’s not pregnant at all and she’s just dumb, or doesn’t understand her own body, or is trying to manipulate you in some way. Even if she is pregnant, the odds are quite good the baby isn’t yours, and the younger she is, the more likely this is true.
So calm the fuck down. I have seen guys on blogs, forums, and in real life go absolutely apeshit and turn into freaked-out spazoids when some girl comes to them and tells them they’re pregnant. Take a deep breath, relax, and turn on your brain. The odds are on your side. Don’t assume anything. Don’t admit anything. Women, particularly younger women, “think they’re pregnant” all the damn time. Women also try to manipulate men by lying about pregnancy all the time. Don’t freak out, don’t fall for it, and relax. Proceed with calmness and rationality… good advice for any surprising situation, by the way.
2. Figure out the dates.
Once you calm down, pull up a calendar and determine the last time (or times) you had sex with her. From this, you can quickly extrapolate if it’s even possible the baby (if there is one) is yours at all.
Years ago, with one of the women who thought her baby was mine, I determined the date of birth of the baby, then deduced nine months and came up with a conception date of on or around December 15th. Just one problem. The last time her and I had sex was November 13th, a good 32 days prior. (I knew the exact date because I track everything on spreadsheets, as always.) Could the baby have been mine? Not really. With a week or two of variance, possibly, but an entire month? Nope. A later paternity test showed that, of course, the baby was not mine. It belonged to some other dumbass she had sex with shortly after me.
I’m not saying you need to meticulously track your sex life on spreadsheets like I do, since you probably don’t write blogs and books about dating and relationship management like me. Yet, you should still have a pretty clear idea of the time frame in which you last had sex with her. It’s possible by just figuring out the dates you can rule yourself out as a father.
3. Mentally review the last time.
Let’s say the dates do fall into a zone where she could be pregnant from you. Now you need to examine exactly what happened the last time (or times) you had sex. Did you wear a condom? Did you wear a condom the entire time? Did you not wear a condom? Was it your condom or one of hers? Did you cum inside her? Were you drunk while having sex and don’t really remember? And so on.
If you’re confident you were lucid and wore a condom that was good and snug the entire time, and the condom was one of yours and not hers, then you’re probably in the clear. The odds are astronomically small you impregnated her under these conditions.
If you did not wear a condom, particularly if you came inside her, then unfortunately your odds have gone up, but you’re not done yet.
4. Give her a pregnancy test ASAP.
The next step is to administer a pregnancy test to her ASAP, ideally right then and there if you can. I always have two pregnancy tests of different brands in my bathroom, ready to go, for just such an occasion. I’ve had to use them only twice in ten years, but in both cases they gave me a huge sigh of relief.
Every man reading these words needs to have two pregnancy tests in his bathroom along with some tiny plastic cups. Note that pregnancy tests have expiration dates, so replace them as needed.
Immediately walk her into your bathroom, hand her a plastic cup, and tell her to pee in it. Once she’s done, administer the pregnancy test yourself (do not let her do it). It is usually a small brush that you dip in the pee for a few seconds, then you wait about two minutes to see if it comes up pregnant or not. Do this with both tests (two different brands) just to be sure.
Home pregnancy kits are not very accurate until after she has already missed a period, so be aware of this. Frankly, most women aren’t going to think they’re pregnant until they’re late anyway, so this shouldn’t be a big deal.
What if she tells you she’s pregnant over the phone or social media and she’s not actually standing in front of you? Be super nice, super sweet, don’t act angry or nervous, and tell her to come over to your place immediately, today if possible. Even offer to go over to her place if necessary… and bring your plastic cups and pregnancy tests (or get them on the way over), again, the same day if possible. Cancel appointments or work if you have to. Get over there (or her over to your place) as fast as you can. Do not tell her you’re going to pregnancy test her. Just see her, talk to her, and walk her right into the bathroom to get the test done. Obviously you can’t force her to do anything, but do your best.
If the pregnancy test comes up negative on both tests and it’s after the point where she would have normally had a period, then congratulations, you’re in the clear. She’s not pregnant. If it appears as if she was trying to manipulate you, hard next the bitch immediately. You don’t need someone like that in your life. If instead it appears that she was legitimately concerned about this and just had a late period or didn’t understand her own body (common with some younger women or less sexually experienced women), then give her a big hug and tell her no worries.
If she tells you she’s pregnant via the phone and she refuses to see you so you can test her, then clearly you’re at a disadvantage, but that might be a good sign. She may be lying, and may think you might try to administer a pregnancy test to discover her deception.
If this is the case, tell her you’re going to refuse to communicate with her any more until you two can see each other in person (at her place or your place) so you can “discuss it.” (Women love “discussing” things.) Again, do not tell her you’re going to pregnancy test her. This removal of attention may push her over the edge to agree to see you.
5. Get an abortion, if possible.
What if the pregnancy tests come up positive?
I am not going to argue the moral or ethical aspects of abortion, since I already did that here. I’m only here to talk about how to best handle this scenario for minimal long-term damage to both you and her. The “and her” part is important, because if a woman has a baby outside of a financially stable and committed relationship, the odds of her and the child suffering lifetime poverty increase around 87% the last time I looked at the figures. Being a single mother is horrible, horrible, horrible, and you want to save her from this nightmare, as well as your own.
Tell her that you care about her, and care about her future, and want the best for her (hopefully this is true), but that you know that neither her nor you are ready for all the financial costs and stress of a child yet. Tell her you’ll make an appointment for an abortion right then and there, and that you will pay for the entire thing, and that you will take her in personally and hold her hand throughout the entire process, as well as the rest of the day and perhaps even the day after that.
If she agrees, do it. It will be the best money you’ve ever spent. Really do take care of her that day and perhaps the day after. Cancel work if necessary; it’s that important. Be very nice and caring, since getting an abortion can be emotionally difficult for some women (but it’s not nearly as emotionally difficult as raising a child as a single mother for 20 years… remember that!). Do whatever is necessary to make her comfortable during the process, but do everything you can to get that abortion. No, you can’t force her, but you can lean on her as hard as you can, and should. Again, this is what is best for her as well.
6. Establish paternity.
What if she refuses the abortion? Or, what if she refuses to see you at all for a pregnancy test, yet you know for sure she’s pregnant?
This is when things get more difficult, but you’re still not stuck yet.
Either nicely ask (if you’re on good terms with her) or demand (if you’re not) that you need to get a prenatal paternity test done. This is called a Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity or NIPP. All she needs to do is get a blood test, and you don’t even have to be there. Then you get a blood test and they verify paternity of the baby that way. Offer to pay for the entire thing if there’s a cost associated with it. It’s 99.9% accurate. It can be done any time after the woman is eight weeks pregnant (which means that, unfortunately, you’ll have to wait if she’s less than eight weeks).
If she refuses to get this done, it’s time to play hardball. Get some balls and tell her that you will never communicate with her ever again. If that doesn’t convince her, then cut off all contact and completely ignore any contact she sends your way, forever, unless it’s to get the NIPP done. During this time, you’re just going to have to wait and see if the baby is yours after the baby is born. There’s not much else you can do; the laws are on her side at this point.
If a paternity test shows you are the father…
Then congrats, dumbass. You just heavily damaged your financial life for the next 18 years. Good job.
Make the decision of how much of this child you want in your life. Account for the fact that you’ll need to go through her to do it, for the next 18 years. If you want to be a hands-on father and you more or less get along with the mother, sit down with her and write up a parenting plan and file it with your local courthouse. This will determine visitation.
If you don’t want the child in your life, just be nice and let her know that. You’ll still have to pay child support though (unless you break the law, get paid under the table for the next 18 years, flee the country, or something extreme like that).
Regardless of whether you want to be involved with the child or not, contact a family attorney or your local state / province government to see how much child support the government will force you at gunpoint to pay her for the next 18 years. Put that amount in your monthly budget (it’s not tax deducible, so you’re fucked), and increase your income so that it doesn’t put a hamper on your long-term financial goals.
If you start having lots of problems with the mother, follow the advice I give in this article. Going to war with her is not the answer. You have better things to do.
Whatever you decide to do, for fuck’s sake, be more careful in the future with your sex! This was your fault!
If a paternity test shows you are not the father…
Give yourself a high-five. I have been “not the father” twice now, and man, it’s a good feeling. Mentally laugh at the other dumbass who now has to pay her child support for 18 years while you go on with your wonderful, Alpha 2.0 life, and while you keep right on having sex with her (if you want).
Should you keep having sex with a woman who has a baby which is not yours? Of course! Why the hell not? I have many times. Obviously, if you feel she tried to lie or manipulate you, then you should hard next her and move on. But if that’s not the case (and usually it isn’t), keep right on having sex with the mother (ideally as a FB; a MLTR relationship might be complicated) as she goes into her child custody battle with the moron who impregnated her. Again, I’ve done this with many FB’s and MLTR’s over the years who were dumb enough to have babies with other guys. Doesn’t bother me a bit. Outcome independence!
If a paternity test is not possible because she absolutely won’t agree to one or to see you…
Wait a few months, then do some detective work to see if she really is pregnant. Check her out on social media, hit up her family or mutual friends, and do whatever you need to do to find out.
If five months later she’s clearly not pregnant, then no worries, you win.
If instead it’s obvious that she’s pregnant (her belly is super fat, she’s posting ultrasound pics on her Facebook page, etc), and you’ve checked the dates and sexual scenario to the point where you think the baby really could be yours, then you can’t let this slide. She can literally put your name down as the father, then wait several years and throw the government on you to collect all of your past child support whenever she wants your cash, and the government will do her bidding and go after you even if you prove you’re not the biological father.
Isn’t that nice?
The slight good news is that this applies to other men in her life as well. If you see that she’s getting married to another guy, you’re in the clear. Even if the baby is biologically yours, he will be stuck with the child support for the kid when she divorces his ass.
But if it looks like she’s still more or less single (or has a casual boyfriend but not someone she’s engaged to), then you need to address this at some point. It could be while she’s pregnant, it could be after the baby is born, but at some point, to calm your nerves and to protect yourself legally, you need to get some kind of paternity test done, unless she does one herself and it indicates another guy.
You’ll have to make the decision as to when to do this and how to approach her for this, but I’m just saying it needs to get done. Don’t let it slide for years, only to get some kind of government summons saying you owe thousands of dollars in child support. Even if a paternity test at that time shows you aren’t the father, it likely won’t help at all. As usual, the government will more than likely be on her side, not yours.
(That applies to countries like the US, Canada, and possibly Australia. More overtly socialist countries, like many in Europe, won’t really care or enforce these things. They’ll just force your neighbor at gunpoint to clean up your mess (ah, socialism). As always, check with your local laws.)
And again, don’t be a dumbass. Only have babies that you pre-plan. It’s not that hard.
If you’re in Europe, India, or the Middle East, I’m doing a Alpha 2.0 business seminar in Dubai in November. Check it out here for more details.