It’s strange how a number of guys will ask me the same question in clumps, all at the same time. I’ve received several emails on a particular topic lately, but MongrelMage’s comment sums it up pretty well:
You mentioned refusing sex for non medical reasons as soft nexting level drama, but I’m confused about what threshold of refusal you would initiate a soft next for. It doesn’t seem like refusing sex can follow the 20 second rule at all. This was one of the biggest problems I had in my last (and hopefully only) monogamous relationship.
Women refusing sex in relationships is one of men’s most common, long-term problems in life. Let’s discuss.
Should You Do It?
I have stated before that when a woman you’re seeing refuses sex for non-medical reasons, this is indeed grounds for a soft next. I stand by that statement. Obviously if a woman is sick, or wounded, or legitimately not feeling well and thus doesn’t want to have sex for these reasons, this is perfectly okay and I would never soft next a woman for refusing sex under those conditions. It’s not her fault.
However, if it is her fault, if she was physically feeling fine, and refused sex because she was mad at me, or mad at someone else, or in a bad mood, or had a bad day at work, or whatever, and I want to have sex because I’m a man and that’s what men biologically need, and she says no, then yes, that’s grounds for me to soft next her if I wish.
OMG! Fuck you, you misogynist! What is she, your hooker? She shouldn’t have to fuck you whenever you want! She’s not your fucking sex slave!
You’re absolutely correct. She has every right to say no to having sex with me whenever she wants. Moreover, as an Alpha Male 2.0, I never tell women what to do. Telling women what to do results in drama and work, and I don’t do drama or work in my relationships. If she doesn’t want to have sex with me, that’s perfectly fine and I’ll never push it or argue with her about it. Ever.
However! Alpha Male 2.0 also means that while she has every right to say no to sex with me, I have every right to walk out of there and go have sex with another woman who says yes. Women love to assert their sexual freedom and sexual choices when it’s about them, but when it’s about men’s sexual freedom, suddenly they have a problem.
This sexual freedom door swings both ways, Sweetie. You can say no to me whenever you want and I’ll never fight you about it…and I can go fuck someone else whenever I want. Now it’s fair. Now we’re on a level playing field. But the split second you assert that you can say no to me but I can’t go fuck someone else, now it’s not fair at all. Now we’re in a totalitarian relationship where you’re my sexual overlord. Um, no thanks. I’m not ending up like this guy. If you seriously want a relationship like that, you need to go be with a submissive beta male, not me.
Secondly, a woman restricting sex from you because she’s mad at you, or wants you to do something (“I’m not having sex with you until you clean up those dishes”) is using sex as a weapon. I don’t want to spend time with a woman who uses sex as a weapon against me. I want to spend time with a woman who enjoys my company and enjoys having sex with me. Call me crazy.
A quick story about this. A while back, I was staying over with a relative of mine, a traditionally married Alpha Male 1.0. At one point in the evening his wife grew upset about something and started arguing with him. She told him to immediately come upstairs with her to talk. Being an Alpha, he snorted and blew her off. She repeated her command. Again, he made a smartass comment and blew her off. Then she narrowed her eyes and said levelly, “If you don’t come upstairs with me right now, no sex for a month.” He opened his mouth to make another smartass crack, but then he stopped, his face contorted, and he slowly and reluctantly followed her upstairs.
This is what happens when you allow women to use sex as a weapon against you. No matter how Alpha you are, it eventually turns you into a beta.
Thirdly, any woman in any relationship with me, from FB all the way to OLTR, knows within about two to three weeks of spending time with me how high my sex drive is. Part of my EFA is that I have a strong, ravenous, unquenchable sex drive, more so than most men, which is true. Whenever I start escalating to sex with a woman I’m in an ongoing relationship with, it’s never a surprise. Never. She knows I’m a horny horndog and she knows sex is always coming if she’s going to spend time with me. Even if we go out on a date, we’re still having sex when the date is over (or before we go out!).
Again, it’s never a surprise. If she didn’t want to have sex with me, she should have stayed home, or even better, dumped me and dated another man with a lower sex drive, both of which would be perfectly acceptable options. (Again I will repeat that if she’s sick or wounded, that doesn’t apply here; I will happily spend time with her without sex if that’s the case.)
So yes, it is absolutely acceptable in my book to soft next a woman you’re in a relationship with if she refuses sex with you for non-medical reasons. If you don’t, if you agree to go sexless but sit there and still give her all the attention and support she demands from you, you’re either a beta or well on your way to becoming one. She’ll be in charge of your balls, and she’ll know it. It’s only going to get worse from there.
How Often This Happens
Have I ever soft nexted a woman for refusing to have sex with me? Yes, but the good news is that over a 10 year period with scores of women, it’s happened less times than the fingers on my hand. Women resisting sex with their husbands or boyfriends is an aspect of monogamous relationships. It’s very rare in nonmonogamous ones. In nonmono relationships, women know you can go get it somewhere else if they say no. Therefore, there’s a lot of reasons for a woman not to say no. In monogamous relationships, your balls are in her purse, and she knows it, and there’s no reason she can’t say no, so she can say no whenever the hell she wants. If you’re also legally married to her and have kids or a house and/or other life infrastructure with her, now she really controls your balls, and you can pretty much guarantee that soon, in a few years at the most, she’ll start saying no to sex on a regular basis. It’s not necessarily her fault either. It’s simply how women are biologically designed if you put them in long-term monogamous relationships, as I’ve explained many times before.
You’ll notice that MongelMage’s relationship was a monogamous one. Of course it was. If he was in an MLTR or OLTR, this would likely have never happened. And even if it did happen, it would be no big deal. He’d just text one of his FBs, tell his wife he’ll be back in an hour, go get his biological needs met, and come back home. Again, that’s fair to both parties. Having him sit there and suffer with blue balls, or jerk off to porn like some teenager just because his wife is having a bad day, is not fair at all. It’s a great deal for her, but a terrible deal for him.
When To Do It and How Fast
Do you instantly soft next a woman the instant she says no to sex? Of course not. There’s nothing wrong with asking one or two more times. Emphasis on the word one or two. Pestering her for sex over and over again and getting into an argument about it for ten minutes is quintessential beta male husband behavior. Equally silly and ineffective is the Alpha Male 1.0 method of giving her a long lecture about how her Behavior Is Unacceptable™. In both cases, you’re falling into her frame giving her all the power. There’s something you want from her, and she’s refusing to give it. Who’s the one with the power? She is. And it doesn’t matter how “Alpha” you are.
If instead of arguing with or lecturing her, you ask her two or three times, then instantly soft next her and go have sex with someone else, or if you live with her, you leave and go have sex with one of your FBs, now you have the power. Even better, there’s no argument, because unlike with the beta or the Alpha 1.0, you’re not telling her what to do. She’s free to say no to you whenever she wants with no argument…and you’re free to get it elsewhere if she does this. Again, it’s fair to both parties.
So MongrelMage’s implication that the 20 Second Rule doesn’t apply to a woman you’re dating refusing sex isn’t quite correct. How long does it take to escalate to sex, and then ask her one or two more times if she says no? About 20 seconds. If it’s very clear she doesn’t want to have sex with you, yes, you can soft next her within that time frame.
Beware of “Wife Sex”
What if you get up to leave, and she suddenly changes her mind and says, “Okay, okay, we can have sex!”? Then it’s fine. I’ve had women do this. The one slight wrinkle with this is that if you’re in a long-term relationship (high end MLTR or OLTR), she might be angry while she has sex with you, and gives you the dreaded “wife sex.”
Every man who has lived with a woman longer than three years knows what wife sex is. It’s when your wife (or long-term girlfriend) whips off her pants, flops on the bed, spreads her legs, and says, “Okay, let’s go, hurry up.” Then when you have sex with her, she just lies there like a dead fish, staring at the ceiling, not making any sounds, waiting for you to finish, totally disconnected.
Wife sex does not count as real sex, at least not in my book. Like most monogamously married men, I had wife sex sporadically when I was married, and after the marriage was over I vowed to never let a woman give me wife sex ever again. Ten years later, I’m happy to report that I’ve made good on this vow. On the very rare occasion a woman has tried to have wife sex with me, I refuse the sex and soft next her if she persists. I only have sex with women who want to be having sex with me at that moment. Otherwise I pass, and go have sex with a different woman who will be happily engaged in the act.
So if you’re walking out the door, and she says, “Okay, okay, we can have sex!” you’d better make it clear to her it needs to be real sex, not wife sex. Otherwise, proceed with the soft next.
Calibrating For The Type of Relationship
You handle the refusal of sex based on the type of relationship you have. I’ll cover each one.
FBs – You will never have this problem with FBs. FBs want to have sex with you, or else they won’t spend time with you. They will never resist sex, unless you’re doing something very wrong. (That’s one of the beauties of FBs).
MLTR – If an MLTR ever resists sex with you for non-medical reasons, this is serious business, and you need to soft next her ass immediately and without mercy. Trust me, she’ll get the point for next time. It’s very rare you’ll have to soft next the same MLTR twice for this.
OLTR – If an OLTR resists sex, you need to be a little more gentle. You don’t actually need to soft next, in that you don’t need to cut off contact for a few days. That’s usually overkill with an OLTR (unless she’s being a total bitch, but if that’s the case, that’s your fault, because you picked the wrong woman to be your OLTR). Instead, just explain to her in one or two quick sentences, and that’s all that you’re really horny and you want to have sex, and if she doesn’t want that right now, that’s fine, but you’d rather not spend time with her at the moment if that’s the case. Then get up and leave. You don’t need to cut off contact, but you do need to leave. If she relents, then you can stay, but it better be real sex and not wife sex, since wife sex is much more a risk when in an OLTR vs. a FB or MLTR.
Live in OLTR – This one is entirely different, because you can’t expect a woman to be horny for you every day just because you live with her. Eventually, the amount of sex you’ll have with each other will decline over time, and this is okay provided you’ve got a FB or two on the side to keep your biological needs met. Therefore, in a properly structured live in OLTR, you should rarely have an argument about sex at all. She can have sex with you if she wants, and if she doesn’t, you’ll get your needs met outside. Also, you had a big talk with her before moving in where she fully understands and agrees with this. (She doesn’t have to love it, and she probably won’t because of her false Societal Programming, but she does have to agree with it, just like there will be things you won’t love about having a woman live in your house, but you’ll agree to it regardless.) And of course, if she doesn’t agree to this, you would never move in with her in the first place. Very simple.
What about in monogamous relationships? Sorry, I don’t give advice to men in monogamous relationships. You’re not allowed to have sex on the side, so you have zero negotiating power. All you can threaten is to dump her or divorce her (and we both know you’re not going to do that, Mr. Oneitis). She really does own your balls at that point, so you’re screwed no matter what you do. My advice is to buy my book on how to convert to an open relationship.
Objections / Questions
Well, what if you’re really being an asshole to her? She shouldn’t have to have sex with you if you’re being an asshole!
Correct, and many women will indeed use this as an excuse. “Well, the reason I don’t want to have sex with you is because you said X, Y, and Z! I don’t want to have sex with you if you’re going to be that!”
That’s fine, but this changes nothing I said above. She has every right to not have sex with me for any reason she wants, and I have every right to go have sex with someone else if she does this. If you really are being an asshole, then apologize. But if you’re simply being Alpha 2.0 and she doesn’t like it, soft next her ass.
This part is important: if I’m regularly and truly being an asshole to her, she shouldn’t be dating me. She should dump me immediately and go be with a guy who isn’t an asshole to her.
Therefore, arguing about sex should never be a recurring problem. If it is, you’re with the wrong person! Dump that person right now and get someone else!
What if I don’t have any women on the side to go have sex with if she says no?
Then you’re de facto monogamous and you’ve completely fucked all this up. Never, ever, EVER let the number of women you’re having sex with fall below two. Even if the second one is a little sporadic, never let the total number of women in your sex life get down to just one. If it’s been more than about 30 days during which you’ve only had sex with one woman, congratulations dumbass, YOU’RE MONOGAMOUS. You’re now in a huge danger zone and will have all kinds of problems in your relationship, far beyond just your gal saying no to sex. Read the de facto monogamy article for more info on why allowing yourself to get monogamous just because you’re lazy is such a terrible idea.
What if she’s permanently physically unable to have sex? Or she’s older and flat out says she never wants to have sex with you (or anyone else) ever again?
That topic is a complex one and is beyond the scope of this article. I may address it in a future post. Obviously that kind of thing would only apply to an OLTR wife. (A MLTR or FB who physically couldn’t have sex, or never wanted to have sex with me ever again, would be (nicely) hard nexted, since I don’t do friend zone.)
What if she isn’t excited about having sex with you because she’s having sex with another guy and is more excited about him?
If she’s a FB or MLTR, she gets temporarily nexted and I won’t contact her for 4-6 months. After that, I’ll see if the guy is gone, which he probably will be, then I will resume the relationship. Otherwise, I’ll put her on no-contact for another six months or more, and repeat the process.
If she’s an OLTR, and it’s clear there’s no emotional component to her excitement about the guy (it’s purely sexual) then I don’t care, and I’ll simply up my activity with my side-FBs until she gets bored or upset with the guy, which she will (remember, she’s a girl). Then things will be back to normal. This kind of thing can happen sometimes in OLTRs, particularly with younger women. It’s not a big deal.
If she’s an OLTR, and there is an emotional component to her excitement, then she’s directly violating the parameters of an OLTR relationship, and now we have a very serious problem. I would instantly end the OLTR, downgrade her to distant FB, and go find a new girlfriend.
I can think of times where she might not want to have sex but it’s still for non-medical reasons. Like for example, she recently suffered a death in the family, and she’s crying and truly distraught, and you want to have sex. Obviously she won’t be down for that. Would you really soft next her then?
These kinds of scenarios are extremely rare, 2% Rule events that I would not worry about. I don’t think I’ve ever actually had that happen to me.
If it does happen, you’ll have to take it on a case-by-case basis. If something like that happened with a long-term, serious OLTR, then obviously I wouldn’t next and I would comfort her instead. If it happened with a new FB, I’d probably say a few kind words, and then be quickly out the door and go have sex with someone else (but I wouldn’t soft next). So it really depends on the relationship and how long it’s lasted.