Get Free Email Updates!
Join us for FREE to get instant email updates!
-By Caleb Jones
Recently I made a post about examples of soft nexts, and was bombarded with questions regarding the soft nexting technique. This happens every time I talk about soft nexts, even when I used to discuss it on forums years ago.
Most of the questions I get about soft nexting are crazy, hypothetical scenarios that will never happen, have never happened to me in almost 10 years of doing this, and have never happened to any other guy using soft nexts (that I have heard of at least). Yet, if I’m getting these questions, they’re definitely on many of your minds, so I need to address them.
Today I will list every question I have ever received regarding how to do a soft next. Over time, I will add new questions (and their answers) to this post as I receive new ones, making it a living, growing document, much like my Objections To Nonmonogamy and Their Answers article.
Let’s get started. The questions are not listed in any particular order:
1. What if she’s right? What if she has a point?
Then she can bring the problem to your attention in a quiet tone of voice and in the spirit of collaboration and mutual respect between two adults. But if she’s raising her voice, insulting you, threatening you, or anything like that, that’s drama. As I’ve been saying for years, at that point the reason for the drama is irrelevant. If a woman is screaming at me, I don’t care if she has a point; that behavior is unacceptable.
When I’m upset with a woman I’m in a relationship with, I never raise my voice at her, insult her, threaten her, send bitchy texts to her, or anything like that. Because I’m a mature adult who knows how to control himself. I expect the same treatment. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
It’s not about the topic she’s bringing up. It’s about how she’s bringing it up.
2. What if she’s telling you to stop doing something that’s genuinely bad for you?
If she’s a FB, I don’t care about her views regarding my life. If she’s a MLTR or OLTR and gently asking you to change, that’s fine. She’s welcome to have an opinion. But if she’s actually giving you drama about it (raising her voice, bitching, insulting, threatening, etc), then it’s time for a soft next. Once again, the reason for the drama is irrelevant. She has the ability to calmly bring something to your attention if something is bothering her. (If she doesn’t, she’s a child, so you need to downgrade her to FB or hard next her.)
Whether good or bad for you, how you live your life is your choice, not hers. Read this article for more info on that.
3. How do you decide on the number of days to soft next a woman?
I have no specific formula, but it’s based on:
A. How bad the drama was. The worse the drama, the longer the next.
B. How many times she’s given me drama in the past. The more times she’s given me drama in the past, the longer the next, often much longer. Repeated infractions earn a hard next. Everyone has a bad day occasionally, but I have zero tolerance for repeated drama, and you should too.
C. The severity of the drama she’s given me in the past, if any. The more severe the past drama, the longer the next.
D. The type of relationship we have. FBs get the longest nexts, MLTRs the next longest, OLTRs the shortest. However, with OLTRs or high-end MLTRs, I will pay very close attention to how she handles the next, and may downgrade her if she doesn’t handle it well. (With FBs or low-end MLTRs, I don’t care how she handles the next; that’s her problem.)
E. How long she’s been in my life. I will be lighter on next duration both for brand new women and women I’ve known a very long time. You have to take it easy on new women, and very long-term women have earned the right to receive shorter nexts, at least in my opinion.
4. Are there times you extend the duration of the next, mid-next? For example, you decide 3 days for a girl, but then you don’t hear from her at all for three days. Do you decide to move it to 5 days to be sure she’s gone through the full cycle of internalizing your removal of attention from her?
Yes. This doesn’t usually happen but you’re correct. She needs to know a soft next is going on.
5. What if, during the no-contact period, she suddenly shows up at your doorstep? Or at your car after work? Or something like that?
You’re being paranoid and completely hypothetical, since in doing this for almost 10 years I have never had a woman do this.
If it that actually happens, it means two things, both of which are your fault:
A. You’re an idiot, because you’re getting into emotional relationships (MLTR or OLTR) with creepy psychos. There’s nothing wrong with having sex with hot babes who are also psychos, but for Christ’s sake, keep them at the FB level. (A FB will never show up at your house like this. She doesn’t care enough.)
B. Your EFA was way off well before the soft next ever happened, so you have much bigger problems in your relationship than your soft nexting technique.
That said, showing up to your place or work like this is very serious business. In most cases I would hard next. Just imagine if the roles were reversed; a woman nexted you, and you showed up to her house or workplace unannounced. How would she react? She’d probably call the cops.
After the hard next, I would ask myself some difficult questions about why I got into a serious relationship with a psycho, and why I screwed up my EFA so badly. Remember, everything in your life is your fault.
6. You say to resume the relationship after the soft next “like nothing happened,” but what if she doesn’t do that? What if she wants to talk about why you nexted her?
Again, you’re being extremely hypothetical, since a woman wanting to talk about why you nexted her is extremely rare. I think it’s happened to me twice in almost 10 years. Other men who use this technique have reported the same.
Women aren’t stupid. Women know when they’re being bitches. You’re far more likely to get an apology from her than more conversation about why you nexted her. Also, women are so happy after a soft next that they don’t want to even think about the drama they gave you. They usually want to move on just as much as you do, if not more so.
But going along with your hypothetical, she would be more than welcome to discuss it as long as she remained calm and civil. If instead she starts raising her voice, complaining, starts crying at me, or whatever, then guess what? She gets another soft next right then and there, and this second next will be much longer, perhaps two or three weeks.
To repeat, this scenario has never happened. Stop worrying about this silly, hypothetical shit.
7. Do the girls ever call you out for the soft nexting and if so how do you respond?
You don’t respond to anything a woman says during a soft next, regardless of what she says. During the no-contact period, she can “call you out” on whatever she likes; you’re not responding.
After the next, as I said above, they rarely bring it up. I’ve had one or two women refer to “that thing you do where you don’t talk to me for a week,” in casual conversation, but that’s about it.
8. What if she gives you drama while you’re both out on vacation, far from home?
Sadly, this is a tactic women sometimes use. Sometimes, a woman will “save up” her drama for when you both leave town, and then unload it on you when she knows you’re stuck there with her and can’t leave. Women have been pulling this crap on husbands and boyfriends for decades. I see it happen all the time.
Here’s what you do:
A. Per the usual technique, remove yourself from her presence as soon as she starts in with the drama. Even if you’re both staying at the same hotel room or something like that, you can still grab your laptop and go down to the bar and do some work, or just shoot the shit with other people at the bar or restaurant.
B. Do the best you can to calm her down once you get back. Usually this means repeating, “I’m not discussing this right now. Let’s discuss it later.”
C. Soft next her ass the split second you get back home, and make sure the soft next is several weeks.
D. Never take her travelling with you ever again. A woman giving me drama when we go travelling where she knows I can’t soft next her is a very serious offense, particularly when I’m spending real money on such a trip. I am never travelling with such a woman ever again.
9. Do you only soft next women for things they do in person? Do you soft next women for things like sending bitchy texts, angry Facebook messages, etc?
I soft next women if they give me drama, as I define the term. The medium they use to convey the drama to me is irrelevant. If she’s giving you drama over texts, Whatsapp, Facebook, or whatever, hell yes you should soft next her.
Some women are sweethearts in person but turn into bitches when you’re far away. These women will text you whatever they want when they think they’re safe because you can’t do anything about it. Show them they’re wrong.
10. What if you’re married? Living together? Have kids together?
You cannot soft next a woman if you live with her full time (unless you maintain two residences). There are other drama management techniques you can employ, but the best one, the soft next, is no longer available to you. (And no, you pouting like a pussy and sleeping at a hotel for a night or two is not a soft next. That’s a beta move.)
This is part of the price you pay for co-habiting with someone. Only move in with someone if you are very, very sure about her, have been in a relationship with her for a long time, and have done your due diligence regarding her personality and her typical drama levels.
If you’re following my other relationship advice, by that point you’ve built the OLTR relationship correctly (and very slowly) to know that her drama with you will be minimal. Regardless, as I’ve said many times, drama increases at least a little when you move in with a woman, so you need to be prepared for this, stay very strong, manage it correctly, and of course, hard next her (kick her out permanently) if her drama becomes a pattern of behavior instead of a rare event (assuming you aren’t being a complete asshole to her of course; drama is often a two-way street).
If you’re already married or co-habiting with someone in the typical drama-filled monogamous relationship, I can’t help you much other than to recommend you to buy this book.
11. What if right after you say “I don’t do drama” or something similar and get up to leave, she realizes she seriously fucked up and immediately apologizes and asks you to stay?
Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. There’s no turning back.
Of course women will sometimes promise to stop. They’re usually lying. When you turn around and return, as soon as you’re both comfortable again, she’ll start up with the crap again. When a woman is upset about something, she doesn’t suddenly stop being upset just because she wants you to stay. That’s not how women work.
The only possible exception to this rule is the very first time you soft next her. If this is the very first time, you can give her one more chance, if you want, and return. Beyond that, don’t do it.
Also, feel free to adopt the 20 Second Rule, which is what I use. This gives her 20 seconds to rant about whatever is bothering her with no consequences from you. Sometimes this is all she needs.
12. How do you respond when women are bitching about other guys?
Complaining about other men is not drama per my definition of the term. A woman in my life can complain all day about whatever she likes as long as it’s not me. If she wants to bitch about her boss, ex-boyfriend, brother, friend zone guy, or whatever, that’s perfectly cool with me. I’m Alpha Male 2.0, which means I’m not interested in correcting the behavior of others since I have more important things to focus on.
Women are always pissed off about someone or something. Unhappiness is part of being a woman. I don’t mind if they vent...as long as it isn’t about me. If the topic of her bitching suddenly turns to me, she gets 20 seconds and then it’s soft next time if she keeps going.
14. What if her birthday is coming up in the next few days? Or Christmas? Or something like that?
Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. It doesn’t matter if it’s her birthday or Christmas or whatever the hell else going on, during the nexting period you don’t contact her or respond to her in any way, no exceptions!
If she doesn’t like that, that’s her problem. She shouldn’t have been a bitch in the first place. If she gives you even more drama later for not contacting her on her birthday, extend the time of the soft next, or soft next her again, or hard next her.
14. How do you implement the soft next if you have made plans with the girl during the next few days? Examples: You have a tentative plan to hang out/go to dinner, you have made firm-ish plans to attend a social/family/work event, you promised to help her move this weekend and she’s relying on you, etc.
Cancel the plans. Worst case, send her a single text that says "I won't be able to make it on Tuesday." If the event is your event, like a business party for your work, go without her. If it's her event, don't go.
Canceling these kinds of things during a soft next actually makes the next much more powerful and effective. It shows you're serious. She'll think very hard about pissing you off again.
More importantly, if she knows she can short-circuit your soft nexts by simply having stuff scheduled with you all the time, that’s exactly what she’ll do. Women are very clever with this stuff.
Be strong. Stand your ground. Or be a pussy and let her keep throwing drama at you because you “made plans.” It’s up to you.
15. What if you have solid plans that you've paid money for, together. Like concert tickets, a weekend getaway, or a longer vacation out of town?
If it’s something like concert tickets or hotel reservations where her name isn’t attached, then take someone else, like a friend, family member, or different woman. Worst case, you can also go by yourself (and pick up women there if you’d like).
Other options are to the sell the tickets on Ebay or Craigslist, or give them both to her, or give them to a friend. Be creative and don’t puss out just because the situation is a little complicated.
If it was an actual pre-paid vacation where actual names are attached to the tickets, and the reason for the soft next was somewhat minor, soft next as best you can, but then go ahead and go with her. If the reason for the soft next was not minor, then you have some difficult decisions to make. It would really depend on the specific circumstances. If the drama was non-minor, yes, I would cancel the trip (or go by myself) without hesitation, chalk it up to an expensive learning experience, and learn my lesson.
Think of it this way. Let’s say you have a typical monogamous girlfriend and you've both already paid big bucks for a nonrefundable one-week trip to Hawaii. Four days before you leave you find out she just cheated on you. With your brother. What do you do? It's the same deal.
16. What is the difference between a soft next and the “silent treatment?”
The soft next is the strategic removal of attention that increases attraction via your absence and the (irrational) fear of you not returning.
The silent treatment is a form of childish drama where you try to ignore a person standing right in front of you while not ignoring other people in the room. The woman you’re doing this to:
A. Clearly sees that you’re still right there in her life, aren’t leaving, and thus she still has you by the balls.
B. Feels the attention from you (albeit indirect attention) by you not talking to her but still talking to other people in the vicinity.
The silent treatment is sometimes recommended by guys who live with women (since they can't soft next their partners), who say that it’s the same as a soft next or just as effective. Wrong!!! Not only is the silent treatment not a soft next, it is the opposite of a soft next. The silent treatment is drama and attention. She knows she’s getting to you. She knows she still has that power over you. When you soft next, you have the power.
17. Can you soft next family members?
If you don’t live with them, yes. Frankly, there are some of you who probably should.
This is going to be controversial, so get ready. If you have a family member who is consistently toxic to you (I don't mean you have the occasional argument or disagreement; that's normal; I mean they're consistently toxic to you), even if it’s your mother or father, simply tell him/her that you’re not going to be showing up to any family events, then cut off all contact.
For the next one or two years, don’t show up to family events if that person is going to be there. Make plans around these events to spend a little time with the family members you do enjoy. After one or two years, return to going to family events with the negative person. (Remember, soft nexts are temporary, not permanent.) Repeat if necessary.
Yes, other family members aren’t going to like this. Their problem. Your life is yours, not theirs. Be nice, be polite, try to schedule things to meet up with the good family members if you can, but you have no obligation whatsoever to put up with toxic crap from a person just because they happen to share some of your DNA.
This “my mom/dad/sibling has the right to abuse me because he/she is my mom/dad/sibling” bullcrap is Societal Programming at its worst.
18. Can you soft next people in your business life?
No. You can’t soft next people giving you money or people you’re receiving money from. That will just cause more problems.
You can hard next these people though. I certainly have a few times in the past. But you can’t soft next them.
19. Can women soft next men? Will it work?
Women soft next men all the time...in order to get with other men. It’s called the LSNFTE.
If you’re asking about the soft nexting technique I specifically describe, then it’s possible for women to do this, but it’s not going to happen. Since women like drama and have such little emotional control, there’s no way in hell a woman is going to actually soft next a man giving her drama exactly the way I describe.
I have never heard of a woman correctly soft nexting a man, including women who are well versed in manosphere / PUA concepts and techniques. It’s a nice thought but it’s never going to happen. (Maybe one of the babes at Girls With Game should invent a female version of the soft next...)
20. I take it you don't ever explain the reason for the soft next? You expect that the girl knows exactly what she did wrong, is that correct?
Correct. Women aren't stupid. They know when they're being inappropriate. When you soft next a woman, trust me, she knows exactly why. Your need to explain it to her just makes the drama worse, wastes your time, and makes you an Alpha Male 1.0.
21. Can the duration of the soft next depend on how long it takes her to calm down?
If you decide to soft next a woman for four days, and four days later she’s still throwing dramatic, bitchy texts at you (for example) then yes, you can extend the next.
This has literally never happened to me though. Soft nexts work. They eliminate drama, not perpetuate it.
22. What if she apologizes in the aftermath of the crime?
Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. I don’t care if she apologizes during the no-contact period; you can’t contact her.
If she apologizes after the no-contact period, that’s wonderful and I’ll happily accept her apology. I’ve had lots of women apologize to me for drama over the years.
23. Texting apps like Whatsapp, Viber, Line, etc, show when you were online for the last time, so a woman can see when you were online last. She will know that you are ignoring her. Isn't this going to lead to more drama? How would you next a girl who was a Whatsapp user?
A. I don’t care what a woman thinks while I’m soft nexting her. I’m outcome independent. She can think I’m ignoring her, or think I’m an asshole, or think I’m wonderful and miss me. None if it makes any difference to me. Outcome independence! Abundance mentality! The world is full of beautiful, low-drama women! Stop giving a shit!
B. She can’t cause drama while you’re soft nexting her because you’ll be ignoring anything she sends you anyway. Drama takes two participants (this is something beta males and Alpha 1.0s don’t understand, or at least often forget).
C. If she keeps bombarding you with texts, I have a very simple solution: use the app’s features and block her. It’s very easy. Then unblock her when the nexting period is over. I had to do this once or twice in the past. It works great.
D. The problem isn’t Whatsapp. The problem is you, your frame and your level of emotional control. If you are hesitant to next a woman because she’s on Whatsapp or a similar app, the problem is you, not the app. I sometimes use these apps myself and I’ve never had a problem nexting a woman on them.
24. Does a woman have to actually do something wrong to earn a next? Can you just next her because you get bored or too busy with other women or whatever?
Yes. I don’t really do that but you certainly can. Tubarao was famous for doing exactly that all the time.
As I said above, women next us guys for other men all the time. Don’t feel bad about doing it right back to them.
That being said, I have never, in my entire life, soft or hard nexted a woman unless it was because of clear and obvious drama she gave me. However, that’s me. I have an unusually high sex drive and don’t get sexually bored with women the way some other men do. If I like having sex with a FB, I’m more than happy to be having sex with her (off and on anyway) for the rest of my life...provided she doesn’t give me drama. I don’t get sexually “bored” with women. Even after being married for nine years I was still horny for the woman I married, even when I didn’t like her very much. Again though, that’s me. You may be different.
25. How can I soft next her when she’s at my place at 3am in the morning? I can't leave of course, it's my place. She can’t leave, because she doesn’t have a car and the trains have stopped running.
First of all, that’s your fault. I’ve said this before and I’m sure I’ll say this again. If you live in a downtown area where mass transit is the way everyone gets around, you need to know exactly when the trains stop running in your area, so you can get women home before the trains stop and you’re screwed.
Men try to use this same excuse on me when I tell them to not spend the night with FBs. “But what if the trains stop running because it’s so late BD?” Well, that’s because you were a dumbshit and didn’t plan logistics accordingly. I never have this problem because I’m always aware of all logistics involving her transportation to and from my place. You should be too.
If she’s actually spending the night because she’s an MLTR or OLTR and it was planned in advance and the drama is minor, just tell her you’re not going to discuss it right now and go to sleep. If the drama is not minor, call her a cab or an Uber, send her ass home, note how much it cost you, and soft next her ass for at least a week.
If you don’t make a lot of money and the cost of the cab/Uber is tough for you to bear, then after you resume the relationship, tell her she owes you the cost of the cab/Uber, and if she refuses to pay, hard next her. If you make plenty of money, then whether or not she owes you the cost of the cab/Uber is up to you.
26. What if she gives you drama while you’re in the car?
Yeah, that happened to me once. I just smiled, turned the car around from where we were going, and took her home. Very simple. She complained a little, but I didn’t care. Per the soft nexting technique, I kept my mouth shut and didn’t argue with her. I just took her home and gently kicked her out of the car.
Again, women are very clever about finding scenarios where they think you can’t kick them out when they throw girl-drama at you. Don’t fall for it.
27. How much drama would you say is too much? Where do you draw the line?
As you know, my Alpha Male 2.0 life is structured around long-term, consistent happiness. Therefore, in my world, any drama, for any reason, as specifically defined here, coming from any woman I’m in a relationship with, that lasts longer than 20 seconds, is answered with a soft next. I have better things to do than to listen to some irrational, hysterical woman flip me shit. (Including working on my Mission, enjoying time with my family, playing blackjack, going to see movies, or having sex with other women who aren't flipping me shit.) I have a very full life and have no time for unhappiness or bullshit.
If you are a more emotional guy, or love monogamy, or lean more towards the Alpha Male 1.0 side of the scale, you’re going to disagree with me and think that that more drama from a woman is perfectly acceptable. As always, it’s your life and you need to decide what’s best for you, but if you consciously and purposely tolerate regular girl-drama in your life, I’m not interested in hearing you complain about all the drama you have, or that women are bitches, or any of that stuff.
The amount of drama you tolerate in your life is 100% your fault.
28. When do you consider her gone pure crazy and hard next her?
As I alluded to above, I don’t consider “crazy” a bad thing. “Crazy” FBs are really fantastic (great in bed too). I consider drama a bad thing, not crazy, and there are plenty of crazy women who won’t give you drama provided you don’t get monogamous with them and your frame is solid.
Regarding hard nexts, hard nexting is very rare, at least in my experience. It’s only necessary if she does something really horrible, like physical violence, stealing your money, breaking the law, endangering you in some way, messing with your children, etc. Of the scores of women I’ve had in FB/MLTR relationships over the past decade, I've only hard nexted two women in my entire life. Considering I’ve been in more relationships than not only the average guy, but more than the typical hardcore PUA as well, that’s a very tiny number. (Note to nitpickers: I said I’ve been in more relationships than the typical hardcore PUA, not slept with more women.)
29. You recommend to shut off your phone right after you next a girl. I can't just shut off my phone (work related) and I don't want to (because of a woman gone mad? - the hell I do).
Excuses. Stop being a pussy.
You must have your phone on you and available for incoming phone calls 24/7 at all times? I call bullshit.
And if it’s seriously not bullshit, then man, you have a very serious lifestyle problem that has nothing to do with women, and need to find a new line of work ASAP. I would never tolerate a working schedule like that, and I probably make more money than you do.
Secondly, no one is telling you to turn off your phone for an entire day or two. 30-60 minutes is all you need, perhaps two hours at the very most. If you still “don’t want” to turn off your phone for an hour because you feel some girl is “making you,” then you really need to check your outcome independence.
If some girl is blowing up my phone with calls or texts because I just soft nexted her, I have no problem with turning off my phone for a little bit. You shouldn’t either. Clam down and relax. It’s not a big deal.
30. Does a stronger EFA prevent the need for soft nexting?
Usually, yes (but not always). Unless I’m forgetting about someone, I have not had to soft next anyone in about two years. This because I do everything right, follow all the correct open/poly relationship rules, have a rock solid EFA at all times. I live a very happy, low-drama relationship life. (Which is the entire point here.)
However, this won’t prevent all need for soft nexting. Women are still human beings. When you factor in the usual problems that come along in life, women’s emotional ups and downs and lady time of the month, women can still have bad days and throw shit at you even if you’re the perfect lover/boyfriend/husband and are doing everything right. So you’ll still need to use soft nexting as a tool regardless of how good you are. But your point is valid; the better you are at handling your relationships, the less you’ll need to soft next women.
31. What if she suggests a meet during the no-contact period? Is radio silence still the answer?
Yes. No contact, no exceptions.
32. I don’t know about this technique. Radio silence could be seen as pouting.
I don’t care how she sees it and neither should you. The soft next is the most effective tool you can use regardless of if she views it as pouting or not. It’s effective because it removes your attention from her, which is what she craves from you the most. Why she thinks you’re removing the attention is completely irrelevant.
33. What if you honestly have rearranged your priories and meeting up is logistically impossible (out of town, other women, existing plans, etc). Wouldn't it send a better message to say, "I'd love to but I already have plans." In my opinion, she'd get the message that she now has lower priority in your life, and you're completely outcome independent about not seeing her.
Absolutely not, because:
A. Texting her like that is not a removal of attention.
B. Texting her like that is likely to create more follow-up questions, which you'll answer, and now you're having a conversation, and now you've completely killed the soft next.
C. Radio silence demonstrates far more outcome independence than your friendly text message.
If you respond to her texts during the no-contact period for any reason, it’s no longer a soft next and you’ve completely fucked it up.
34. How do you respond if, after the soft next is over, she asks why you ignored her texts, calls, etc?
As I keep saying, the odds of this happening are very low. If you execute the soft next correctly she’ll never bring it up again.
But if she asks, give her a very calm, nonspecific, outcome independent answer, and then change the subject. Examples would be “I was busy” or “What a silly question” or “Eh” or “Because I’m an asshole.” . Again, make sure you immediately change the subject, or else you’ll have a “conversation” that will likely end up as drama again (and another soft next).
And again, she knows damn well why you were ignoring her.
35. When she declines a meetup twice in a row, and you suspect that she is avoiding you, is that a soft nextable excuse?
It depends.
Soft nexting is a relationship technique. It is not a dating / seduction / pickup technique. You cannot soft next a woman unless you’ve had sex with her at least twice and are seeing her at least semi-regularly. During the dating / seduction phase before you enter into a relationship and before you actually have sex twice, soft nexting is not an option. If you do something like that at this point she’ll just blow you off and go fuck some other guy. You’ll have to use other tools, or move on.
If we’re talking about a woman you’re already having sex with on a regular basis, if she declines a meetup twice in a row, then yes. At that point I would assume she has nexted me. Not only would I next her, but I’d next her for several weeks, if not months. Either she’s going through a rough time, or, most likely, a new man has entered the picture. I would simply next and follow the usual four months no contact rule and maybe re-ping her later several months later once her new monogamy has failed, which it always does.
36. If during the entire soft next period she doesn’t contact you at all, no matter how long it is, is it worth a hard next?
No. Just contact her again after the soft nexting period is over and continue the relationship. (If you're worried that she might not respond after the soft nexting period is over, I have literally never had that happen.)
37. Why cant you talk about the reason for her drama after the soft next is over and she's calmed down? Suppose you genuinely screw up. However, she blows it out of proportion and you soft next her for the drama. Then you call her in a couple of days, she’s eager to visit you. You discuss the underlying issue with her if necessary, and deal with it, but what you don’t discuss is her overreaction and the soft next, right?
The objective is to not get into a discussion. If you were in the wrong, apologize, and promise you'll try very hard not to do that again (but only if you're being honest). Then change the subject and move on. How long does it take to apologize? About five seconds, maybe ten. That's all you need. Anything beyond that, like "discussing the underlying issue" will simply cause more argument, drama and negative feelings (and may even result in a second soft next!). You were in the wrong, she overreacted, that's it. Move on.
38. Is it okay to verbalize aspects of this system to a woman? Or is it ‘guy drama’ in the sense of ‘issuing rules’ and thus should not be verbalized? Examples of things to verbalize would be the exact definition of drama, the 20 Second Rule, and that I will soft next her whenever drama occurs.
No. You should not verbalize any of this stuff to any FB or MLTR. As usual, don't say it, just do it. Trust me, women learn very quickly. No "explaining" is needed. Verbalizing this kind of thing is smacks of Alpha 1.0 and outcome dependency.
The exception to this would be a high-end MLTR or OLTR who has been in your life a very long time, least a year or two. At that point, yes, you could explain these parameters to her if your goal is to build a long-term future with her. Very few women you date will be in this category though.
39. Does soft nexting still work if the woman knows about the technique?
Yes. I've soft nexted many women who were fully aware of the technique and knew exactly what I was doing, and it always worked fine in 100% of these cases. There is no "defense" against the soft next other than permanently dumping the guy. It still works even if she knows what you're doing because we're talking about biology here, and you can't out-logic biology, at least not in the long-term. (By the way, this is true of most seduction / dating / relationship techniques; they usually still work just as well even if the woman knows exactly what you're doing and why.)
40. If you're both at your home and she physically refuses to leave, what do you do?
This is a very serious offense, and now you’re entering into hard next territory. Do your best to get her in the car, and if she actually refuses, make it clear (calmly) that the relationship will be over if she doesn’t do what you're asking. (Make sure to stay very calm though!) If she still refuses, leave her alone for a while and go into another room until she calms down. When she does, take her home, and then strongly consider hard nexting her. (If a woman actually refused to leave my home when asked, I would probably hard next her ass, if not soft next her for several months.)
41. What about soft nexting as a method of escaping the friend zone?
Soft nexting does not apply to friend zone. I describe the least-bad (but still very bad) method of escaping friend zone here. In my view, it’s too much work for one woman, so I would just move on. But no, soft nexting a friend zone girl won’t do shit.
42. Does soft nexting work on my children, or will that fuck them up emotionally?
You can’t soft next your children. Instead, you give them time outs, exactly how I describe in chapter 24 of my book.
Few Key Points Regarding Soft Nexts
While the soft next is the most powerful and effective tool you can use on women to keep a relationship happy and low-drama, it is not a magic bullet. Soft nexting will not necessarily fix other problems you created prior to the next. Don’t expect to break all the usual of open/poly relationships rules and do things wrong (like seeing her more than once a week, or acting like a boyfriend, or calling her every day) and then expect a soft next to fix the relationship when she starts throwing drama at you. Soft nexting does not mean you don’t have to still follow all the basic relationship rules and frames. You do. For more information, ready my open relationships book.
Sometimes, guys who are monogamous, or at least have a very monogamous, oneitis, or needy frame with a woman, will attempt a soft next on her and simply cause nuclear explosions in the relationship. If you’ve acted like a boyfriend, if you’ve been talking on the phone every day, and if you’ve never done anything like a soft next in your life, suddenly throwing a soft next at a woman is going to be extremely confusing for her, and it won’t be very effective. Namely, because when she screams her head off about what you’re doing (because she’s so confused) you won’t have the frame to keep radio silent. You’ll respond to her shit. Then everything gets worse.
(If you’re asking what you should do in a monogamous relationship, soft nexts do work because I’ve heard of monogamous men doing them, but I can’t say anything more on that since I don’t advise men in monogamous relationships.)
Every once and a while I will see a guy complain that “soft nexting doesn’t work.” Every time I have questioned these guys, and I mean this now, every time, it comes out that the guy didn’t do the soft next correctly. The most common error is that when the woman started in with her angry calls / texts during the no-contact period, the guy couldn’t control himself and actually responded. This, of course, always ends up in a volcano of drama between him and her. Bad.
Hear me on this: If you do that, if you execute a soft next incorrectly like this, it will make your relationship worse. You’ve demonstrated to her that you can’t control yourself, that she can “get” to you if she just says certain things, and worst of all, you’ve introduced a high-drama frame into the relationship where there was (perhaps) none before.
If you don’t have the balls or the emotional control to completely ignore and go radio silent on a woman you’re dating for a few days (and many of you do not, including many of you Alphas and experienced PUAs), then you probably shouldn’t attempt a soft next at all, and just put up with her drama. As bad as it is, you’ll just make it all worse if you soft next incorrectly.
Soft nexting is an Alpha Male 2.0 move. If you’ve been a beta or Alpha Male 1.0 this entire time with her and suddenly throw an Alpha 2.0 curveball at her, it won’t be as effective. As I’ve said many times, if you want this stuff to work, if you want to live a consistently happy life, you should be Alpha 2.0 from the first second of the very first date, and never let up (confident, outcome independent, nonmonogamous, non-needy, relaxed, happy, honest, positive, supportive, fun). Then everything else falls into place, and soft nexts will be extremely effective.
Most of the questions I get about soft nexting are crazy, hypothetical scenarios that will never happen, have never happened to me in almost 10 years of doing this, and have never happened to any other guy using soft nexts (that I have heard of at least). Yet, if I’m getting these questions, they’re definitely on many of your minds, so I need to address them.
Today I will list every question I have ever received regarding how to do a soft next. Over time, I will add new questions (and their answers) to this post as I receive new ones, making it a living, growing document, much like my Objections To Nonmonogamy and Their Answers article.
Let’s get started. The questions are not listed in any particular order:
1. What if she’s right? What if she has a point?
Then she can bring the problem to your attention in a quiet tone of voice and in the spirit of collaboration and mutual respect between two adults. But if she’s raising her voice, insulting you, threatening you, or anything like that, that’s drama. As I’ve been saying for years, at that point the reason for the drama is irrelevant. If a woman is screaming at me, I don’t care if she has a point; that behavior is unacceptable.
When I’m upset with a woman I’m in a relationship with, I never raise my voice at her, insult her, threaten her, send bitchy texts to her, or anything like that. Because I’m a mature adult who knows how to control himself. I expect the same treatment. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
It’s not about the topic she’s bringing up. It’s about how she’s bringing it up.
2. What if she’s telling you to stop doing something that’s genuinely bad for you?
If she’s a FB, I don’t care about her views regarding my life. If she’s a MLTR or OLTR and gently asking you to change, that’s fine. She’s welcome to have an opinion. But if she’s actually giving you drama about it (raising her voice, bitching, insulting, threatening, etc), then it’s time for a soft next. Once again, the reason for the drama is irrelevant. She has the ability to calmly bring something to your attention if something is bothering her. (If she doesn’t, she’s a child, so you need to downgrade her to FB or hard next her.)
Whether good or bad for you, how you live your life is your choice, not hers. Read this article for more info on that.
3. How do you decide on the number of days to soft next a woman?
I have no specific formula, but it’s based on:
A. How bad the drama was. The worse the drama, the longer the next.
B. How many times she’s given me drama in the past. The more times she’s given me drama in the past, the longer the next, often much longer. Repeated infractions earn a hard next. Everyone has a bad day occasionally, but I have zero tolerance for repeated drama, and you should too.
C. The severity of the drama she’s given me in the past, if any. The more severe the past drama, the longer the next.
D. The type of relationship we have. FBs get the longest nexts, MLTRs the next longest, OLTRs the shortest. However, with OLTRs or high-end MLTRs, I will pay very close attention to how she handles the next, and may downgrade her if she doesn’t handle it well. (With FBs or low-end MLTRs, I don’t care how she handles the next; that’s her problem.)
E. How long she’s been in my life. I will be lighter on next duration both for brand new women and women I’ve known a very long time. You have to take it easy on new women, and very long-term women have earned the right to receive shorter nexts, at least in my opinion.
4. Are there times you extend the duration of the next, mid-next? For example, you decide 3 days for a girl, but then you don’t hear from her at all for three days. Do you decide to move it to 5 days to be sure she’s gone through the full cycle of internalizing your removal of attention from her?
Yes. This doesn’t usually happen but you’re correct. She needs to know a soft next is going on.
5. What if, during the no-contact period, she suddenly shows up at your doorstep? Or at your car after work? Or something like that?
You’re being paranoid and completely hypothetical, since in doing this for almost 10 years I have never had a woman do this.
If it that actually happens, it means two things, both of which are your fault:
A. You’re an idiot, because you’re getting into emotional relationships (MLTR or OLTR) with creepy psychos. There’s nothing wrong with having sex with hot babes who are also psychos, but for Christ’s sake, keep them at the FB level. (A FB will never show up at your house like this. She doesn’t care enough.)
B. Your EFA was way off well before the soft next ever happened, so you have much bigger problems in your relationship than your soft nexting technique.
That said, showing up to your place or work like this is very serious business. In most cases I would hard next. Just imagine if the roles were reversed; a woman nexted you, and you showed up to her house or workplace unannounced. How would she react? She’d probably call the cops.
After the hard next, I would ask myself some difficult questions about why I got into a serious relationship with a psycho, and why I screwed up my EFA so badly. Remember, everything in your life is your fault.
6. You say to resume the relationship after the soft next “like nothing happened,” but what if she doesn’t do that? What if she wants to talk about why you nexted her?
Again, you’re being extremely hypothetical, since a woman wanting to talk about why you nexted her is extremely rare. I think it’s happened to me twice in almost 10 years. Other men who use this technique have reported the same.
Women aren’t stupid. Women know when they’re being bitches. You’re far more likely to get an apology from her than more conversation about why you nexted her. Also, women are so happy after a soft next that they don’t want to even think about the drama they gave you. They usually want to move on just as much as you do, if not more so.
But going along with your hypothetical, she would be more than welcome to discuss it as long as she remained calm and civil. If instead she starts raising her voice, complaining, starts crying at me, or whatever, then guess what? She gets another soft next right then and there, and this second next will be much longer, perhaps two or three weeks.
To repeat, this scenario has never happened. Stop worrying about this silly, hypothetical shit.
7. Do the girls ever call you out for the soft nexting and if so how do you respond?
You don’t respond to anything a woman says during a soft next, regardless of what she says. During the no-contact period, she can “call you out” on whatever she likes; you’re not responding.
After the next, as I said above, they rarely bring it up. I’ve had one or two women refer to “that thing you do where you don’t talk to me for a week,” in casual conversation, but that’s about it.
8. What if she gives you drama while you’re both out on vacation, far from home?
Sadly, this is a tactic women sometimes use. Sometimes, a woman will “save up” her drama for when you both leave town, and then unload it on you when she knows you’re stuck there with her and can’t leave. Women have been pulling this crap on husbands and boyfriends for decades. I see it happen all the time.
Here’s what you do:
A. Per the usual technique, remove yourself from her presence as soon as she starts in with the drama. Even if you’re both staying at the same hotel room or something like that, you can still grab your laptop and go down to the bar and do some work, or just shoot the shit with other people at the bar or restaurant.
B. Do the best you can to calm her down once you get back. Usually this means repeating, “I’m not discussing this right now. Let’s discuss it later.”
C. Soft next her ass the split second you get back home, and make sure the soft next is several weeks.
D. Never take her travelling with you ever again. A woman giving me drama when we go travelling where she knows I can’t soft next her is a very serious offense, particularly when I’m spending real money on such a trip. I am never travelling with such a woman ever again.
9. Do you only soft next women for things they do in person? Do you soft next women for things like sending bitchy texts, angry Facebook messages, etc?
I soft next women if they give me drama, as I define the term. The medium they use to convey the drama to me is irrelevant. If she’s giving you drama over texts, Whatsapp, Facebook, or whatever, hell yes you should soft next her.
Some women are sweethearts in person but turn into bitches when you’re far away. These women will text you whatever they want when they think they’re safe because you can’t do anything about it. Show them they’re wrong.
10. What if you’re married? Living together? Have kids together?
You cannot soft next a woman if you live with her full time (unless you maintain two residences). There are other drama management techniques you can employ, but the best one, the soft next, is no longer available to you. (And no, you pouting like a pussy and sleeping at a hotel for a night or two is not a soft next. That’s a beta move.)
This is part of the price you pay for co-habiting with someone. Only move in with someone if you are very, very sure about her, have been in a relationship with her for a long time, and have done your due diligence regarding her personality and her typical drama levels.
If you’re following my other relationship advice, by that point you’ve built the OLTR relationship correctly (and very slowly) to know that her drama with you will be minimal. Regardless, as I’ve said many times, drama increases at least a little when you move in with a woman, so you need to be prepared for this, stay very strong, manage it correctly, and of course, hard next her (kick her out permanently) if her drama becomes a pattern of behavior instead of a rare event (assuming you aren’t being a complete asshole to her of course; drama is often a two-way street).
If you’re already married or co-habiting with someone in the typical drama-filled monogamous relationship, I can’t help you much other than to recommend you to buy this book.
11. What if right after you say “I don’t do drama” or something similar and get up to leave, she realizes she seriously fucked up and immediately apologizes and asks you to stay?
Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. There’s no turning back.
Of course women will sometimes promise to stop. They’re usually lying. When you turn around and return, as soon as you’re both comfortable again, she’ll start up with the crap again. When a woman is upset about something, she doesn’t suddenly stop being upset just because she wants you to stay. That’s not how women work.
The only possible exception to this rule is the very first time you soft next her. If this is the very first time, you can give her one more chance, if you want, and return. Beyond that, don’t do it.
Also, feel free to adopt the 20 Second Rule, which is what I use. This gives her 20 seconds to rant about whatever is bothering her with no consequences from you. Sometimes this is all she needs.
12. How do you respond when women are bitching about other guys?
Complaining about other men is not drama per my definition of the term. A woman in my life can complain all day about whatever she likes as long as it’s not me. If she wants to bitch about her boss, ex-boyfriend, brother, friend zone guy, or whatever, that’s perfectly cool with me. I’m Alpha Male 2.0, which means I’m not interested in correcting the behavior of others since I have more important things to focus on.
Women are always pissed off about someone or something. Unhappiness is part of being a woman. I don’t mind if they vent...as long as it isn’t about me. If the topic of her bitching suddenly turns to me, she gets 20 seconds and then it’s soft next time if she keeps going.
14. What if her birthday is coming up in the next few days? Or Christmas? Or something like that?
Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. It doesn’t matter if it’s her birthday or Christmas or whatever the hell else going on, during the nexting period you don’t contact her or respond to her in any way, no exceptions!
If she doesn’t like that, that’s her problem. She shouldn’t have been a bitch in the first place. If she gives you even more drama later for not contacting her on her birthday, extend the time of the soft next, or soft next her again, or hard next her.
14. How do you implement the soft next if you have made plans with the girl during the next few days? Examples: You have a tentative plan to hang out/go to dinner, you have made firm-ish plans to attend a social/family/work event, you promised to help her move this weekend and she’s relying on you, etc.
Cancel the plans. Worst case, send her a single text that says "I won't be able to make it on Tuesday." If the event is your event, like a business party for your work, go without her. If it's her event, don't go.
Canceling these kinds of things during a soft next actually makes the next much more powerful and effective. It shows you're serious. She'll think very hard about pissing you off again.
More importantly, if she knows she can short-circuit your soft nexts by simply having stuff scheduled with you all the time, that’s exactly what she’ll do. Women are very clever with this stuff.
Be strong. Stand your ground. Or be a pussy and let her keep throwing drama at you because you “made plans.” It’s up to you.
15. What if you have solid plans that you've paid money for, together. Like concert tickets, a weekend getaway, or a longer vacation out of town?
If it’s something like concert tickets or hotel reservations where her name isn’t attached, then take someone else, like a friend, family member, or different woman. Worst case, you can also go by yourself (and pick up women there if you’d like).
Other options are to the sell the tickets on Ebay or Craigslist, or give them both to her, or give them to a friend. Be creative and don’t puss out just because the situation is a little complicated.
If it was an actual pre-paid vacation where actual names are attached to the tickets, and the reason for the soft next was somewhat minor, soft next as best you can, but then go ahead and go with her. If the reason for the soft next was not minor, then you have some difficult decisions to make. It would really depend on the specific circumstances. If the drama was non-minor, yes, I would cancel the trip (or go by myself) without hesitation, chalk it up to an expensive learning experience, and learn my lesson.
Think of it this way. Let’s say you have a typical monogamous girlfriend and you've both already paid big bucks for a nonrefundable one-week trip to Hawaii. Four days before you leave you find out she just cheated on you. With your brother. What do you do? It's the same deal.
16. What is the difference between a soft next and the “silent treatment?”
The soft next is the strategic removal of attention that increases attraction via your absence and the (irrational) fear of you not returning.
The silent treatment is a form of childish drama where you try to ignore a person standing right in front of you while not ignoring other people in the room. The woman you’re doing this to:
A. Clearly sees that you’re still right there in her life, aren’t leaving, and thus she still has you by the balls.
B. Feels the attention from you (albeit indirect attention) by you not talking to her but still talking to other people in the vicinity.
The silent treatment is sometimes recommended by guys who live with women (since they can't soft next their partners), who say that it’s the same as a soft next or just as effective. Wrong!!! Not only is the silent treatment not a soft next, it is the opposite of a soft next. The silent treatment is drama and attention. She knows she’s getting to you. She knows she still has that power over you. When you soft next, you have the power.
17. Can you soft next family members?
If you don’t live with them, yes. Frankly, there are some of you who probably should.
This is going to be controversial, so get ready. If you have a family member who is consistently toxic to you (I don't mean you have the occasional argument or disagreement; that's normal; I mean they're consistently toxic to you), even if it’s your mother or father, simply tell him/her that you’re not going to be showing up to any family events, then cut off all contact.
For the next one or two years, don’t show up to family events if that person is going to be there. Make plans around these events to spend a little time with the family members you do enjoy. After one or two years, return to going to family events with the negative person. (Remember, soft nexts are temporary, not permanent.) Repeat if necessary.
Yes, other family members aren’t going to like this. Their problem. Your life is yours, not theirs. Be nice, be polite, try to schedule things to meet up with the good family members if you can, but you have no obligation whatsoever to put up with toxic crap from a person just because they happen to share some of your DNA.
This “my mom/dad/sibling has the right to abuse me because he/she is my mom/dad/sibling” bullcrap is Societal Programming at its worst.
18. Can you soft next people in your business life?
No. You can’t soft next people giving you money or people you’re receiving money from. That will just cause more problems.
You can hard next these people though. I certainly have a few times in the past. But you can’t soft next them.
19. Can women soft next men? Will it work?
Women soft next men all the time...in order to get with other men. It’s called the LSNFTE.
If you’re asking about the soft nexting technique I specifically describe, then it’s possible for women to do this, but it’s not going to happen. Since women like drama and have such little emotional control, there’s no way in hell a woman is going to actually soft next a man giving her drama exactly the way I describe.
I have never heard of a woman correctly soft nexting a man, including women who are well versed in manosphere / PUA concepts and techniques. It’s a nice thought but it’s never going to happen. (Maybe one of the babes at Girls With Game should invent a female version of the soft next...)
20. I take it you don't ever explain the reason for the soft next? You expect that the girl knows exactly what she did wrong, is that correct?
Correct. Women aren't stupid. They know when they're being inappropriate. When you soft next a woman, trust me, she knows exactly why. Your need to explain it to her just makes the drama worse, wastes your time, and makes you an Alpha Male 1.0.
21. Can the duration of the soft next depend on how long it takes her to calm down?
If you decide to soft next a woman for four days, and four days later she’s still throwing dramatic, bitchy texts at you (for example) then yes, you can extend the next.
This has literally never happened to me though. Soft nexts work. They eliminate drama, not perpetuate it.
22. What if she apologizes in the aftermath of the crime?
Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. I don’t care if she apologizes during the no-contact period; you can’t contact her.
If she apologizes after the no-contact period, that’s wonderful and I’ll happily accept her apology. I’ve had lots of women apologize to me for drama over the years.
23. Texting apps like Whatsapp, Viber, Line, etc, show when you were online for the last time, so a woman can see when you were online last. She will know that you are ignoring her. Isn't this going to lead to more drama? How would you next a girl who was a Whatsapp user?
A. I don’t care what a woman thinks while I’m soft nexting her. I’m outcome independent. She can think I’m ignoring her, or think I’m an asshole, or think I’m wonderful and miss me. None if it makes any difference to me. Outcome independence! Abundance mentality! The world is full of beautiful, low-drama women! Stop giving a shit!
B. She can’t cause drama while you’re soft nexting her because you’ll be ignoring anything she sends you anyway. Drama takes two participants (this is something beta males and Alpha 1.0s don’t understand, or at least often forget).
C. If she keeps bombarding you with texts, I have a very simple solution: use the app’s features and block her. It’s very easy. Then unblock her when the nexting period is over. I had to do this once or twice in the past. It works great.
D. The problem isn’t Whatsapp. The problem is you, your frame and your level of emotional control. If you are hesitant to next a woman because she’s on Whatsapp or a similar app, the problem is you, not the app. I sometimes use these apps myself and I’ve never had a problem nexting a woman on them.
24. Does a woman have to actually do something wrong to earn a next? Can you just next her because you get bored or too busy with other women or whatever?
Yes. I don’t really do that but you certainly can. Tubarao was famous for doing exactly that all the time.
As I said above, women next us guys for other men all the time. Don’t feel bad about doing it right back to them.
That being said, I have never, in my entire life, soft or hard nexted a woman unless it was because of clear and obvious drama she gave me. However, that’s me. I have an unusually high sex drive and don’t get sexually bored with women the way some other men do. If I like having sex with a FB, I’m more than happy to be having sex with her (off and on anyway) for the rest of my life...provided she doesn’t give me drama. I don’t get sexually “bored” with women. Even after being married for nine years I was still horny for the woman I married, even when I didn’t like her very much. Again though, that’s me. You may be different.
25. How can I soft next her when she’s at my place at 3am in the morning? I can't leave of course, it's my place. She can’t leave, because she doesn’t have a car and the trains have stopped running.
First of all, that’s your fault. I’ve said this before and I’m sure I’ll say this again. If you live in a downtown area where mass transit is the way everyone gets around, you need to know exactly when the trains stop running in your area, so you can get women home before the trains stop and you’re screwed.
Men try to use this same excuse on me when I tell them to not spend the night with FBs. “But what if the trains stop running because it’s so late BD?” Well, that’s because you were a dumbshit and didn’t plan logistics accordingly. I never have this problem because I’m always aware of all logistics involving her transportation to and from my place. You should be too.
If she’s actually spending the night because she’s an MLTR or OLTR and it was planned in advance and the drama is minor, just tell her you’re not going to discuss it right now and go to sleep. If the drama is not minor, call her a cab or an Uber, send her ass home, note how much it cost you, and soft next her ass for at least a week.
If you don’t make a lot of money and the cost of the cab/Uber is tough for you to bear, then after you resume the relationship, tell her she owes you the cost of the cab/Uber, and if she refuses to pay, hard next her. If you make plenty of money, then whether or not she owes you the cost of the cab/Uber is up to you.
26. What if she gives you drama while you’re in the car?
Yeah, that happened to me once. I just smiled, turned the car around from where we were going, and took her home. Very simple. She complained a little, but I didn’t care. Per the soft nexting technique, I kept my mouth shut and didn’t argue with her. I just took her home and gently kicked her out of the car.
Again, women are very clever about finding scenarios where they think you can’t kick them out when they throw girl-drama at you. Don’t fall for it.
27. How much drama would you say is too much? Where do you draw the line?
As you know, my Alpha Male 2.0 life is structured around long-term, consistent happiness. Therefore, in my world, any drama, for any reason, as specifically defined here, coming from any woman I’m in a relationship with, that lasts longer than 20 seconds, is answered with a soft next. I have better things to do than to listen to some irrational, hysterical woman flip me shit. (Including working on my Mission, enjoying time with my family, playing blackjack, going to see movies, or having sex with other women who aren't flipping me shit.) I have a very full life and have no time for unhappiness or bullshit.
If you are a more emotional guy, or love monogamy, or lean more towards the Alpha Male 1.0 side of the scale, you’re going to disagree with me and think that that more drama from a woman is perfectly acceptable. As always, it’s your life and you need to decide what’s best for you, but if you consciously and purposely tolerate regular girl-drama in your life, I’m not interested in hearing you complain about all the drama you have, or that women are bitches, or any of that stuff.
The amount of drama you tolerate in your life is 100% your fault.
28. When do you consider her gone pure crazy and hard next her?
As I alluded to above, I don’t consider “crazy” a bad thing. “Crazy” FBs are really fantastic (great in bed too). I consider drama a bad thing, not crazy, and there are plenty of crazy women who won’t give you drama provided you don’t get monogamous with them and your frame is solid.
Regarding hard nexts, hard nexting is very rare, at least in my experience. It’s only necessary if she does something really horrible, like physical violence, stealing your money, breaking the law, endangering you in some way, messing with your children, etc. Of the scores of women I’ve had in FB/MLTR relationships over the past decade, I've only hard nexted two women in my entire life. Considering I’ve been in more relationships than not only the average guy, but more than the typical hardcore PUA as well, that’s a very tiny number. (Note to nitpickers: I said I’ve been in more relationships than the typical hardcore PUA, not slept with more women.)
29. You recommend to shut off your phone right after you next a girl. I can't just shut off my phone (work related) and I don't want to (because of a woman gone mad? - the hell I do).
Excuses. Stop being a pussy.
You must have your phone on you and available for incoming phone calls 24/7 at all times? I call bullshit.
And if it’s seriously not bullshit, then man, you have a very serious lifestyle problem that has nothing to do with women, and need to find a new line of work ASAP. I would never tolerate a working schedule like that, and I probably make more money than you do.
Secondly, no one is telling you to turn off your phone for an entire day or two. 30-60 minutes is all you need, perhaps two hours at the very most. If you still “don’t want” to turn off your phone for an hour because you feel some girl is “making you,” then you really need to check your outcome independence.
If some girl is blowing up my phone with calls or texts because I just soft nexted her, I have no problem with turning off my phone for a little bit. You shouldn’t either. Clam down and relax. It’s not a big deal.
30. Does a stronger EFA prevent the need for soft nexting?
Usually, yes (but not always). Unless I’m forgetting about someone, I have not had to soft next anyone in about two years. This because I do everything right, follow all the correct open/poly relationship rules, have a rock solid EFA at all times. I live a very happy, low-drama relationship life. (Which is the entire point here.)
However, this won’t prevent all need for soft nexting. Women are still human beings. When you factor in the usual problems that come along in life, women’s emotional ups and downs and lady time of the month, women can still have bad days and throw shit at you even if you’re the perfect lover/boyfriend/husband and are doing everything right. So you’ll still need to use soft nexting as a tool regardless of how good you are. But your point is valid; the better you are at handling your relationships, the less you’ll need to soft next women.
31. What if she suggests a meet during the no-contact period? Is radio silence still the answer?
Yes. No contact, no exceptions.
32. I don’t know about this technique. Radio silence could be seen as pouting.
I don’t care how she sees it and neither should you. The soft next is the most effective tool you can use regardless of if she views it as pouting or not. It’s effective because it removes your attention from her, which is what she craves from you the most. Why she thinks you’re removing the attention is completely irrelevant.
33. What if you honestly have rearranged your priories and meeting up is logistically impossible (out of town, other women, existing plans, etc). Wouldn't it send a better message to say, "I'd love to but I already have plans." In my opinion, she'd get the message that she now has lower priority in your life, and you're completely outcome independent about not seeing her.
Absolutely not, because:
A. Texting her like that is not a removal of attention.
B. Texting her like that is likely to create more follow-up questions, which you'll answer, and now you're having a conversation, and now you've completely killed the soft next.
C. Radio silence demonstrates far more outcome independence than your friendly text message.
If you respond to her texts during the no-contact period for any reason, it’s no longer a soft next and you’ve completely fucked it up.
34. How do you respond if, after the soft next is over, she asks why you ignored her texts, calls, etc?
As I keep saying, the odds of this happening are very low. If you execute the soft next correctly she’ll never bring it up again.
But if she asks, give her a very calm, nonspecific, outcome independent answer, and then change the subject. Examples would be “I was busy” or “What a silly question” or “Eh” or “Because I’m an asshole.” . Again, make sure you immediately change the subject, or else you’ll have a “conversation” that will likely end up as drama again (and another soft next).
And again, she knows damn well why you were ignoring her.
35. When she declines a meetup twice in a row, and you suspect that she is avoiding you, is that a soft nextable excuse?
It depends.
Soft nexting is a relationship technique. It is not a dating / seduction / pickup technique. You cannot soft next a woman unless you’ve had sex with her at least twice and are seeing her at least semi-regularly. During the dating / seduction phase before you enter into a relationship and before you actually have sex twice, soft nexting is not an option. If you do something like that at this point she’ll just blow you off and go fuck some other guy. You’ll have to use other tools, or move on.
If we’re talking about a woman you’re already having sex with on a regular basis, if she declines a meetup twice in a row, then yes. At that point I would assume she has nexted me. Not only would I next her, but I’d next her for several weeks, if not months. Either she’s going through a rough time, or, most likely, a new man has entered the picture. I would simply next and follow the usual four months no contact rule and maybe re-ping her later several months later once her new monogamy has failed, which it always does.
36. If during the entire soft next period she doesn’t contact you at all, no matter how long it is, is it worth a hard next?
No. Just contact her again after the soft nexting period is over and continue the relationship. (If you're worried that she might not respond after the soft nexting period is over, I have literally never had that happen.)
37. Why cant you talk about the reason for her drama after the soft next is over and she's calmed down? Suppose you genuinely screw up. However, she blows it out of proportion and you soft next her for the drama. Then you call her in a couple of days, she’s eager to visit you. You discuss the underlying issue with her if necessary, and deal with it, but what you don’t discuss is her overreaction and the soft next, right?
The objective is to not get into a discussion. If you were in the wrong, apologize, and promise you'll try very hard not to do that again (but only if you're being honest). Then change the subject and move on. How long does it take to apologize? About five seconds, maybe ten. That's all you need. Anything beyond that, like "discussing the underlying issue" will simply cause more argument, drama and negative feelings (and may even result in a second soft next!). You were in the wrong, she overreacted, that's it. Move on.
38. Is it okay to verbalize aspects of this system to a woman? Or is it ‘guy drama’ in the sense of ‘issuing rules’ and thus should not be verbalized? Examples of things to verbalize would be the exact definition of drama, the 20 Second Rule, and that I will soft next her whenever drama occurs.
No. You should not verbalize any of this stuff to any FB or MLTR. As usual, don't say it, just do it. Trust me, women learn very quickly. No "explaining" is needed. Verbalizing this kind of thing is smacks of Alpha 1.0 and outcome dependency.
The exception to this would be a high-end MLTR or OLTR who has been in your life a very long time, least a year or two. At that point, yes, you could explain these parameters to her if your goal is to build a long-term future with her. Very few women you date will be in this category though.
39. Does soft nexting still work if the woman knows about the technique?
Yes. I've soft nexted many women who were fully aware of the technique and knew exactly what I was doing, and it always worked fine in 100% of these cases. There is no "defense" against the soft next other than permanently dumping the guy. It still works even if she knows what you're doing because we're talking about biology here, and you can't out-logic biology, at least not in the long-term. (By the way, this is true of most seduction / dating / relationship techniques; they usually still work just as well even if the woman knows exactly what you're doing and why.)
40. If you're both at your home and she physically refuses to leave, what do you do?
This is a very serious offense, and now you’re entering into hard next territory. Do your best to get her in the car, and if she actually refuses, make it clear (calmly) that the relationship will be over if she doesn’t do what you're asking. (Make sure to stay very calm though!) If she still refuses, leave her alone for a while and go into another room until she calms down. When she does, take her home, and then strongly consider hard nexting her. (If a woman actually refused to leave my home when asked, I would probably hard next her ass, if not soft next her for several months.)
41. What about soft nexting as a method of escaping the friend zone?
Soft nexting does not apply to friend zone. I describe the least-bad (but still very bad) method of escaping friend zone here. In my view, it’s too much work for one woman, so I would just move on. But no, soft nexting a friend zone girl won’t do shit.
42. Does soft nexting work on my children, or will that fuck them up emotionally?
You can’t soft next your children. Instead, you give them time outs, exactly how I describe in chapter 24 of my book.
Few Key Points Regarding Soft Nexts
While the soft next is the most powerful and effective tool you can use on women to keep a relationship happy and low-drama, it is not a magic bullet. Soft nexting will not necessarily fix other problems you created prior to the next. Don’t expect to break all the usual of open/poly relationships rules and do things wrong (like seeing her more than once a week, or acting like a boyfriend, or calling her every day) and then expect a soft next to fix the relationship when she starts throwing drama at you. Soft nexting does not mean you don’t have to still follow all the basic relationship rules and frames. You do. For more information, ready my open relationships book.
Sometimes, guys who are monogamous, or at least have a very monogamous, oneitis, or needy frame with a woman, will attempt a soft next on her and simply cause nuclear explosions in the relationship. If you’ve acted like a boyfriend, if you’ve been talking on the phone every day, and if you’ve never done anything like a soft next in your life, suddenly throwing a soft next at a woman is going to be extremely confusing for her, and it won’t be very effective. Namely, because when she screams her head off about what you’re doing (because she’s so confused) you won’t have the frame to keep radio silent. You’ll respond to her shit. Then everything gets worse.
(If you’re asking what you should do in a monogamous relationship, soft nexts do work because I’ve heard of monogamous men doing them, but I can’t say anything more on that since I don’t advise men in monogamous relationships.)
Every once and a while I will see a guy complain that “soft nexting doesn’t work.” Every time I have questioned these guys, and I mean this now, every time, it comes out that the guy didn’t do the soft next correctly. The most common error is that when the woman started in with her angry calls / texts during the no-contact period, the guy couldn’t control himself and actually responded. This, of course, always ends up in a volcano of drama between him and her. Bad.
Hear me on this: If you do that, if you execute a soft next incorrectly like this, it will make your relationship worse. You’ve demonstrated to her that you can’t control yourself, that she can “get” to you if she just says certain things, and worst of all, you’ve introduced a high-drama frame into the relationship where there was (perhaps) none before.
If you don’t have the balls or the emotional control to completely ignore and go radio silent on a woman you’re dating for a few days (and many of you do not, including many of you Alphas and experienced PUAs), then you probably shouldn’t attempt a soft next at all, and just put up with her drama. As bad as it is, you’ll just make it all worse if you soft next incorrectly.
Soft nexting is an Alpha Male 2.0 move. If you’ve been a beta or Alpha Male 1.0 this entire time with her and suddenly throw an Alpha 2.0 curveball at her, it won’t be as effective. As I’ve said many times, if you want this stuff to work, if you want to live a consistently happy life, you should be Alpha 2.0 from the first second of the very first date, and never let up (confident, outcome independent, nonmonogamous, non-needy, relaxed, happy, honest, positive, supportive, fun). Then everything else falls into place, and soft nexts will be extremely effective.
Want over 35 hours of how-to podcasts on how to improve your woman life and financial life? Want to be able to coach with me twice a month? Want access to hours of technique-based video and audio? The SMIC Program is a monthly podcast and coaching program where you get access to massive amounts of exclusive, members-only Alpha 2.0 content as soon as you sign up, and you can cancel whenever you want. Click here for the details.