When I was a much younger man and still working in the corporate world, I had a co-worker whom I’ll call Matt. He was about 34 years old and a typical married beta male. He was a decent-looking, fun guy who was also a semi-professional musician when he wasn’t working at the office or obeying his wife’s orders.
I barely knew him. I was the supervisor of a team of six guys and he was from a different team down the hall from us. Occasionally our workloads would overlap and I would work with other members of his group.
One day he was over at my desk and we were talking casually. It was probably the fifth or six time I had ever spoken to him other than saying ‘hi’ in the hallway. Suddenly he started getting excited.
“Oh man, guess what?” he said.
“What?” I asked.
“I had sex with this girl last Sunday. Man, she was so hot! We fucked in the shower for like 40 minutes. I’ve never done that!”
“Uh, I assume your wife was’t home, right?”
“Nah, I wasn’t even home. I was over at her place. I’ve known her for a while, and oh man, she’s so hot! And she’s a massage therapist, so she knows all about the body and where things feel good. She was outta this world! I mean, holy shit!”
As he went on and on about his infidelity, several thoughts ran through my head that went something like this:
1. I barely know this guy. And here he is bragging about how he’s cheating on his wife. How does he not know I might be some kind of Bible-thumping Christian who will tell his wife? Or some loudmouth who will blab this all over the office, including to the women who work here? If we were close buddies, then I’d understand him telling me all this, but he barely knows me. The risk he’s taking is insane.
2. This guy knows I’m a supervisor here. I could pull up his home phone number on my computer screen right this second, and as soon as he leaves my office, I could make one phone call to his wife and literally destroy his life. The risk he’s taking is insane.
3. If this guy is telling me this shit, and I barely know him, that means he’s told numerous other people this, who also barely know him. The odds are pretty high that eventually his wife is going to find out. The risk he’s taking is insane.
I was maybe 23 years old at the time, and this behavior was very confusing to me. I understood all about cheating on your wife (even at that age I had a strong feeling monogamy was an iffy proposition). I didn’t understand being this brazen about it. Didn’t he realize he might get caught? Wasn’t he afraid of his wife finding out? Or getting divorced? This was the early 90s, and the divorce rate was pretty bad but still no where near as bad as it is today. I was baffled.
About a year later I was working for a different company, and I was on a business trip with a large group of co-workers. The company rented out an entire hotel and each employee was forced to share a room with another employee. One of my buddies had a mutual co-worker, whom I’ll call Dave, offer him $50 to swap rooms with him, so he could hook up with yet another (female) co-worker. Dave and the woman were both married to other people. (Ah, monogamy.)
My friend took his $50, vacated the room, and Dave and the married woman fucked all night long in there. How did I know that? Because the next day, Dave, who I barely knew, bragged about it to about six different guys, including me. This was a guy I worked with in the same building back home. Just like with Matt, I had access to Dave’s home phone number. If I was a more evil person, I could have very easily blackmailed Matt and Dave and made some serious cash.
I could tell you story after story of men I’ve known or worked with who cheated on their wives and proceeded to tell everyone in the universe all about it. Moreover, Matt and Dave were both betas. When Alpha Male 1.0s cheat it’s even worse. In this article here I talked about the married Alpha 1.0 who was cheating with a female co-worker and openly flirted with her and kinoed her in the office in front of everyone, even making her rub his shoulders and things like that, again in front of everyone. In the same article I talked about another married 1.0 who was regularly fucking his wife’s girlfriends and sisters and bragging about it left and right.
Now think about this: Do married women do this when they cheat?
I’ll answer that with a real-life example. When I was a young man I had a year-long fling with an older married woman. Her husband would leave town on business and often be gone for a month at a time. This woman was like a ninja. When her husband was out of town, she would instruct me to come over to her house at very specific times when she knew the neighbors would not be arriving home. She had me park several blocks down the street. Then I would have to walk to her house and knock on her door in a specific pattern so she would know it was me (this was before texting).
She’d let me in the house, and I wasn’t allowed to touch her yet, not even hug. Instead, I’d sit on her couch and watch Star Trek: Voyager while she grabbed her phone and went upstairs to call her husband at his hotel on the hotel land line. This way she could confirm he was actually there, safely a thousand miles away in his hotel room, and not surprise us mid-sex for an unexpected return. She would talk to him for about 10 minutes, hang up, come back downstairs, and then we could have sex once she made sure all the curtains were closed. She also made me get several STD tests, which back then were really damn expensive (and useless, since I was a near-virgin at that point). I was also not allowed to ever call her at certain hours of the day, even when her husband was gone.
I was a young beta back then so I followed all over her orders. Like most young betas, I was just happy to be getting laid.
That’s not all. She never told anyone about me. She didn’t even tell her best friend of 25 years. I would bet real money that to this day, she still hasn’t told anyone, and that her husband and her close friends still have no idea.
In the decades since all of this, I have observed many men cheat on their wives/girlfriends and many wives cheat on their husbands/boyfriends. Monogamy doesn’t work so it’s a common thing that happens with just about everyone eventually. (Everyone dumb enough, needy enough, or delusional enough to get into long-term monogamous relationships, that is.)
The vast majority of the time, men who cheat act like complete dumbasses and brag about their cheating to just about everyone who listens. This includes both betas and Alpha 1.0s. (Alpha 2.0s don’t get monogamous so they never need to worry about this problem.) Eventually, these men get caught. Big shock.
The vast majority of the time, women who cheat instantly become world-class CIA agents, develop all kinds of clever ways to sneak around, and never tell anyone about what they’re doing, including their close girlfriends. Almost always these women never get caught. Their husbands/boyfriends have no idea that their Sweet Girl™ who Isn’t Like The Rest™ and would Never Do That™ because she a Good Christian White Girl™ and her Parents Are Still Married™ and she Went To College™ has no idea she’s been getting repeatedly impaled by a big fat cock that doesn’t belong to them. (Sometimes the cock in question has belonged to me, particularly during my crazy phase a few years ago.)
This is why when men cheat, they almost always get caught, eventually. They can’t keep their big dumb mouths shut. There are several reasons for this:
1. Societal Programming. We men don’t have ASD. Societal Programming tells women to not have sex, or not have premarital sex, or not have too much sex, or not have sex with too many people, but there’s little or no such messaging for men. So when women cheat, they’ve had a lifetime of social conditioning that tells them they need to keep it a secret, but men’s same conditioning tells them that they can brag about it to the entire world, and the world will pat them on the back.
2. The thrill of the conquest. Every time he has sex with a new woman, a man feels a sense of accomplishment. Even Pleasure of Sex men, and even men like me who have been with a lot of different women over a lifetime, where one more new woman is no big deal, still feel at least a twinge of badassary after having sex with a new woman for the first time. Men have egos. Our egos like to brag about what we’re doing sexually. It’s an irrational, emotional thing. When you’re about to brag about that super hot cheerleader you nailed last night, your man-brain isn’t going to say, “Now wait a minute, Ryan. You’re married. If you tell this guy your wife might find out.” Nah, that isn’t how we’re wired.
3. There’s an element of wanting to get caught. No matter how terrified men are about getting caught cheating, with most of them there’s a little part of them that wants to get caught. Maybe he’s a higher-drama guy and secretly would enjoy the drama of the GF/wife finding out. Maybe he’s upset at the GF/wife for some reason and wouldn’t mind getting back at her. Maybe, like the Jack Nicholson Alpha Male 1.0 character in A Few Good Men, he’s just tired of following all the monogamy rules and wants to let her know he can do whatever the fuck he wants, dammit, even if that means he gets in trouble.
I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again. If you’re a man in a monogamous marriage or relationship, you will eventually cheat and you will get caught, assuming the relationship lasts long enough. You’re not going to get away with it. Fantasize all you want. You won’t. I don’t care how smart or crafty you are. Your entire biology is arrayed against you. Both your Societal Programming and Obsolete Biological Wiring wants to A) fuck other women beside your GF/wife, and B) brag about it to other humans.
As always, when it’s you against your biology, you’re going to lose eventually. You’re also going to lose against your Societal Programming, because by being in a monogamous relationship in the first place, you’ve already proven SP is your master.
Now if you’re the kind of guy who likes drama or somewhat enjoys drama “sometimes,” then by all means, go monogamous, cheat away, get caught, get screamed at for weeks on end and/or dumped, and enjoy your pain.
But if you’re the kind of guy who likes being happy, you should forget this whole monogamy thing so you can have all the sex your biology and mind wants without having to lie about it, sneak around, and incur drama explosions in your life.
Just a thought.