One of the most frequent objections to the Alpha Male 2.0, non-monogamous lifestyle I advocate, particularly from women but sometimes from men as well, is “sex isn’t that important.”
There are many subtle and no-so-subtle variations of this objection. They include:
It’s immature: “Having a lot of sex is fine when you’re young, but eventually you need to grow up.”
It’s important but not that important: “Sex isn’t the only important thing in a relationship.”
Defensive: “Relationships aren’t all about sex, you know!”
Low sex drive: “I had sex a few weeks ago. It wasn’t even that good. I don’t need it. Eh.”
Ad hominem: “If you want sex all the time, then yeah, something’s wrong with you. A true man / real man / gentleman / doesn’t need to hump and pump all the time.”
Bitter Female: “Men are liars and cheaters. They’re too much work. I don’t need a man. I’m happier by myself.”
Bitter Male: “Women are all a bunch of angry feminists now! I’m not going to play their game! MGTOW is the way to go.”
Monogamous wife in a marriage longer than three years: “Um, excuse me, but I’m not his hooker! That’s not my job!”
Bullshit Disney: “You’ll find that if you’re truly in love with someone, you don’t need to have sex all the time. You can just hold each other, look into each other’s eyes and it’s just as good.”
Lazy: “Sex? Eh, too much work. I’d rather jerk off to porn. So much easier.”
I am now going to explain why all the above people are completely wrong. Like most people in society when they discuss dating and relationships, they’re using their own emotions, experiences and preferences in order to distort fact.
The fact is that sex is a fundamental, core, biological, human need. It’s on the same level as food, water, and oxygen.
If you haven’t seen it before, here is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:
It works like this. You need the items at the very bottom level of the pyramid. These are not optional. You need them for fundamental human survival. You don’t necessarily need anything in the upper levels to survive, but the higher you go the happier and more fulfilled you’ll be.
First, you go for the items at the bottom level, the physiological needs. Only when you’ve received those things do you then move into the next level, Safety. When you’ve got that level covered, you move on to the next, and so on.
Inmates in prison are never beyond the first level (until they get released). Most people in society never get beyond the third level, and very few people in the world (as a percentage) consistently operate at the top level, Self-actualization. (I do, as do people I respect, but we’re statistically rare.)
If, for some reason, the upper levels are suddenly taken from you, you’ll instantly forget about them and focus once again on the first level. I could be the most intellectually-evolved, self-actualized person in the world, but if I fall off a cruise ship and land in the water, suddenly things like love and creativity don’t matter. I’m solely focused on survival needs, like oxygen and warmth.
Now take a look at the above chart and locate sex. What level it is on? Two? Four?
Nope. It’s at level one, a core survival-based physiological need. It’s right down there with food, breathing, sleep, and going to the bathroom.
If you’re a sexual importance denier (like that term? heh) you’re probably still not convinced. You’re thinking something like, “Oh, bullshit. That chart’s wrong. If I don’t drink water, I’ll die in like three days. If I don’t eat any food, I’ll die in two weeks. But I can go years without having any sex and I won’t die.”
That’s the problem with sex; unlike all the other biological needs we have as human beings, the damage you suffer by not having frequent sex takes much longer to manifest. You’re right, if you stop eating, drinking liquids, or sleeping, you’ll suffer sharp, negative effects that will be noticeable almost immediately. We humans don’t like sharp pain, so because of this it’s very unlikely you’ll stop eating, drinking, or sleeping, even if you consider these things stupid or a hassle. (Which by the way, I do. I would love to live a life without ever having to take the time out of my day to eat or sleep. I’d rather work, have sex, travel and play blackjack, in about that order.)
If you stop having sex, or even stop having regular sex (i.e. you have sex once every few weeks and think that’s “enough”) then make no mistake, you will be damaged physiologically and psychologically. The difference is that this damage and pain will take much longer to notice. Just like with the frog in the slowly boiling pot, you may not even notice that these negative effects have already taken place. Like most sexless married people, you’ll slowly become accustomed to your new, lower levels of health and happiness, and consider that “normal” for you. When in fact, it isn’t normal for you at all.
As time goes on, you’ll slowly suffer more and more physiological and psychological pain and damage, while defensively snorting to all the happy people having sex all the time that “sex isn’t that important” or that you “don’t need it” or that it’s “immature.”
What exactly are these negative effects of not having sex? Let us count the ways:
1. Not having sex at least three times a week doubles your risk of heart attack. [*]
2. Not having sex several times a week damages your sense of smell. [*]
3. Men who don’t have sex at least once a week double their chances of developing erectile dysfunction.[*]
4. Sex reduces pain, both chronic and acute. Endorphins released during sex alleviate all kinds of pain including migraines, PMS cramping, and even arthritis. [*] I have seen this happen with many women in my life. One woman in particular (one of the best-looking women I’ve ever had sex with) suffered from a genetic condition called lupus, where her entire body would ache regularly. Sex was one of her “treatments.” If she had regular sex, the pain was well under control. When she stopped having sex, the pain would get much worse. I also once dated a woman who was recovering from cervical cancer who experienced the same. Sex is one of the best natural painkillers there is.
5. Women who don’t have regular sex develop looser vaginas. [*] You thought it was women who had a lot of sex who got looser vaginas? Wrong! Lack of sex makes the vaginal muscles relax, resulting in a looser v-jay-jay. How does that sound, ladies?
6. People who don’t have regular sex get sick more often (colds, flu, etc.) because they lack the antibodies sex creates, particularly immunoglobulin A, which drops by 30% when people have sex less than once or twice week. [*] [*]
7. Women who don’t have regular sex will experience much drier vaginas when they hit menopause. [*]
9. Lack of sex reduces testosterone in men and estrogen in women, [*] which introduces all kinds of long-term health and lifestyle problems (which I discuss in detail in my book). It also further reduces the desire for sex.
I found all of the above effects within a 10 minute Google search. I know that if I took an hour or two researching this, I’d find at least another 10-20 ways in which you damage your body and your psyche by saying “sex isn’t that important” or “I don’t need it.”
Because I know someone will bring this up in the comments, masturbation isn’t going to cut it. There are a few health benefits to masturbating (such as prostate health for men) but A) actual sex has many more, B) any health benefits you get from masturbating you also get from sex (plus more) and C) the emotional, self-esteem, and psychological components of sex are not present with masturbation.
Does jerking off to a computer screen make you feel like a real man? Does a woman impaling herself with vibrator feel loved, desired, wanted and sexy? And don’t even get me started on things like porn addiction.
Regular sex is a core biological need you that you have, on the same level of importance as food, water and oxygen. If you deny this, you’re flat out wrong, and I’m glad I’m not you.