Today I’m going to give you step-by-step instructions on how to start your own first nonmonogamous relationship. If you’re a complete beginner or a moderate beginner, this post is for you. It’s for guys who have never done this before but would like to try it, or perhaps guys who have flirted with the idea and done some things like this but still consider themselves beginners.
Here we go!
1. Focus on your goal, which should be to simultaneously date two women. Just two.
Men often read blogs like this and hear about all these crazy guys like me who are dating four, five, or even more women at a time. I first started getting attention years ago from forum posts I made called “BD’s State of the Union,” where I described how I was dating, in actual ongoing relationships, 12-14 women over period of a year or less.
These things are entertaining and often educational, but a lot of guys read stuff like this and think, “Wow. I could never do that,” or “12 women? Whoa, that’s way too much work. I’ll just get a girlfriend.”
Therefore, step one is to get all those big, crazy numbers out of your head. Stop thinking about 12 or even four women, and focus on two. Your goal is to get one MLTR and one FB. Two women. That’s it.
I don’t date 14 women these days; that was during my crazy phase from several years ago. It’s true that today I am often dating around four women at a time, but I have years of experience doing this, plus I’m a horny horndog and have higher sex drive than most men reading these words. Two women are plenty for most men. Two women are also manageable for most guys in terms of sex drive and typical weekly schedule.
So focus on two women for the moment. If later you really want to increase it to beyond two, you can always do that down the road.
2. Make sure you fully understand the difference between FB, MLTR, and OLTR. These are three completely different things, and managed differently.
FB, MLTR, and OLTR are all nonmonogamous relationships, but that’s where their similarity ends. I have done my level best to explain the difference on this blog and in my books, but many guys still have a difficult time separating/understanding these three types of relationships.
Here’s a quick summary of the three types:
FB is a friend with benefits or fuck buddy. You have sex with her, you can watch TV with her at her place or your place, but that’s it. There’s no going out on dates or spending the night or any of that stuff. She’s your friend whom you fuck. That’s all.
MLTR is a girl you’re going out on dates with, having sex with, and actually do have feelings for her beyond a friend. Dates and spending the night are fine as long as you don’t act too boyfriendish. However, you are allowed to date other women (other MLTRs) and she’s allowed to date other guys if she wants. There are no “rules” about this for either one of you.
OLTR is your “one girl” to whom you’re pair bonded with. She’s either a girlfriend or a wife (or the equivalent). However, you’re allowed to have sex with other women on the side within whatever ground rules you and she have set up, provided these side-girls are only FBs or one night stands. MLTRs on the side are not allowed. In other words, MLTR is polyamory (not pair-bonded, no rules, and as serious or non-serious as you like), an OLTR is an open relationship (pair-bonded, several rules, and very serious).
3. Forget about OLTR for the moment. Your goal is one MLTR and one FB. OLTR comes later.
All this talk about OLTR and open marriages, while an important topic, often gets guys pointed in the wrong direction. No woman is allowed to be your OLTR until you’ve been dating her as an MLTR for at least six months with zero problems. 12 months is even better. (I personally have a 12 month-with-no-problems rule before I upgrade a woman to an “official” OLTR).
So stop worrying about an OLTR for the moment. If that’s really something you want, you can always get that later when you’re more skilled with FBs and MLTRs. Remember, your goal right now is one MLTR and one FB. No OLTRs.
4. Develop your dating/seduction game.
Before getting your two women, you need to go out and pickup / date some to bring them into the fold. This means you need to get decent with dating and/or seduction. This is a required skill for any man who doesn’t like monogamy, and there is no way around this.
If you’re a Thrill of the Hunt man, this will be easier for you because you’ll probably like pickup. I’m a Pleasure of Sex man myself, so I consider the time and effort spent meeting women and doing out on first/second dates to be a necessary evil. This is why I focus on being as time and money efficient with this process as possible. But the point is I got good at it, I do it, and I don’t slack off on it.
If you’re an absolute beginner in terms of meeting women and getting laid, and have no idea where to start, read this post and follow its instructions. Set a goal to get to at least the intermediate level when it comes to meeting and having sex with new women. I can’t state this enough: This is a mandatory skill with which you must learn and stay proficient, regardless of how busy you are or little you are excited about the process.
5. Buy my open relationships ebook if you haven’t already and follow its step-by-step instructions.
Of course I’m biased here, but I’m seriously telling you that if this really is something you want to learn and get good at in the shortest amount of time, you need to get a copy of my ebook and follow its instructions. It will show you exactly how to take any “normal” woman and bring her into this world. It’s the best book out there on this topic and many guys who have read several books on this subject will tell you the same thing.
6. Make sure you categorize women fast, within two weeks of meeting them at the latest.
The most common problem with nonmono newbies is that they completely screw up the FB/MLTR categories. They treat FBs like MLTRs, or MLTRs like girlfriends. Sometimes they are uncomfortable with the entire concept of an FB and treat every woman they sleep with like a serious MLTR.
Every time a man does this, and I mean every time, it eventually results in drama and a lot of hurt feelings.
Usually, all of these problems are because they don’t know what category a woman is actually in.
Your job is to categorize a woman into the FB or MLTR slot within two weeks of meeting her in person, at the latest. I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but like I said, the “romance” comes later. In the initial stages you need to be congruent with women, otherwise you will needlessly hurt them and cause all kinds of drama in your life. Remember this: The inability to categorize women into FB or MLTR categories means you will hurt women, so view this as something you’re doing for her, not for you (though it will help you too).
Also remember that you can downgrade or upgrade a woman at any time between the three levels, based on her behavior. This is perfectly fine and I do this semi-regularly. Just because she’s an FB (or MLTR) right now doesn’t mean she’s locked into that category forever. She can be whatever the hell you want, and you’re free to change your mind whenever you like (just like women do with us!).
7. Constantly remind yourself to not get oneitis.
After talking to thousands of newbies on this topic, I can promise you that if you start getting good at this and actually start to have sex with women in multiple relationships, the most likely outcome for you (as a newbie anyway) is to start getting oneitis for prettiest, smartest one. You’re going to want to start violating the rules with her, spending more time with her, and start discarding other women. When she dumps you (and she will), you’ll feel like shit and complain for months (or even years) that none of your other women stack up.
You have GOT to be aware of this biological tendency you have as a man. Getting oneitis will fuck all this up faster than anything else wrong you can do. Print out my famous oneitis post right here, slap it up on your wall, and re-read it regularly. Be strong. Be a fucking man. Be tough on yourself. As Jim Rohn said,
If you’re easy on yourself, life will be hard on you. If you’re hard on yourself, life will be easy on you.
Truer words were never spoken. Now look, of course you’re allowed to have strong feelings for a woman, have a favorite woman, or even fall in love with a woman, but getting oneitis will destroy all of this. I’ve been strongly in love, more than once, but I still didn’t get oneitis.
If you can’t control your oneitis tendencies, you’ll never make this work. You might as well go monogamous and suffer all the usual problems those men have.
8. Once you’ve had sex with two new women at least four times each, stop all pickup/dating activities and focus on managing your two new women.
Normally, Lock-In occurs once you’ve had sex with a woman twice, but since you’re new at this, I’m going to double that and say that once you’ve had sex with a new woman four times, she’s “in” and now you can switch out of dating/seduction mode and into relationship management mode.
Once this happens with two women, that’s great! That’s a huge success and you should give yourself a pat on the back. You’ve accomplished something the vast majority of men have never done, and probably never will.
You can now stop dating new women and focus your efforts on these two.
9. Pick the woman you like the most and make her an MLTR. Make the other woman an FB.
Any time you date multiple women, you will like some women more than others. This is normal and natural and to be expected. Don’t ever feel like you have to like all your women equally. This will never happen.
Out of your current two, take the one you like the best and make her an MLTR. Feel free to take her out on dates, spend the night with her, cuddle with her after sex, and all that other fun stuff. DO NOT meet any of her family, buy her gifts, go travelling with her, text her every day, or any of that stuff. That’s boyfriend shit. Save that for 6-12 months down the road if you still like her and she’s been low-drama the entire time and she’s survived The Talk. If you start doing boyfriend stuff too early, you’re going to either A) cause all kinds of drama and damage to the relationship or B) chase her away.
Make your second girl an FB. Hang out with her at your place or her place, have sex, talk a little if you like, watch a little TV with her, but that’s it. Don’t take her out. Don’t spend the night. Don’t cuddle after sex. That’s MLTR stuff, and if you do that with her, you’re in for problems.
What if you want both women to be MLTRs? Well, that’s up to you. If you’ve got enough woman experience and feel like you can handle it, then go for it. You can certainly have two MLTRs if you like, even more (though I consider three MLTRs a maximum; at three MLTRs or beyond things gets very complicated, even for guys like me who know what they’re doing).
The reason I’m recommending one MLTR and one FB is that A) it will be emotionally easier and more clear for most guys to do this when getting started and B) it sets up a foundational open/poly relationship skill you can rely on for the rest of your life.
10. Always follow the open/poly relationship rules with both women, consistently, even if you don’t want to.
I’ve talked about the open/poly relationship rules in detail on this blog, in the forums, and in my books, so I’m not going to go into detail about them here. I’ll list them briefly but you should really get more details on this as you go forward.
1. Only see her once a week. (That’s once a week per woman.)
2. Don’t initiate conversation often. That means texting, email, Facebook, whatever. Once or twice a week is your maximum.
3. Make her cum every time you have sex. Critical!
4. Don’t talk about the relationship, even if she brings it up. The Talk should not happen for at least three months into the relationship, though longer is better.
5. No boyfriend behaviors (until she becomes an OLTR that is, but that’s a long way off).
Failure to follow through on any of the above rules will, guaranteed, result in either her giving you drama or leaving you. Don’t screw these up even if you feel your neediness or beta tendencies wanting to.
That’s it! There’s much more to relationship management of course, including things like hard and soft nexting, the four phases, downgrading and upgrading, The Talk, discretion management, STD prevention, when/if to meet her friends and family, and other issues. Today I gave you the “get started stuff.” Hope this helps.