In this post, I list all the common objections I get when I say long-term monogamy doesn’t work.
Lately, with the recent posts about marriage, I’ve been getting a lot on Objection 31 in my email and on this blog. If you aren’t familiar with Objection 31, here it is from the above post and its response:
31. Most marriages fail. Okay, fine. But most small businesses also fail, yet you encourage guys to start their own businesses. You’re not being consistent.
Response: Even if you’re the perfect spouse and do everything right, you’re still only 50% of the equation. Starting a small business, you’re damn near 100% of the equation. (Even if other people are involved, you can almost instantly replace them if they don’t play ball.) There is no valid comparison between those two things.
Today I’m going to explain the above in more detail. A lot of guys either aren’t reading this or aren’t understanding it.
Here are a few statements from comments and emails I’ve received lately:
From Hel Lo:
To say that you should not get involved in one based on the stats showing a high rate of failure is like saying you should not start a business because of the high rates of failure. Stats are just that… stats. You and I have both started businesses, have an international following and are successful. We took the risk against the stats pointing toward failure. You’re smart and can figure out where this is leading. Hope and hard work are rare commodities and the lack thereof is a big reason people fail… in whatever they do, regardless of the odds.
Monogamy is a real challenge and only the strongest, the most real dudes are able to make it happen and succeed at it. Sometimes the bullshit can get too much but quitters never win and winners never quit… Disney is on the cards for me because I make it a priority and work towards it, just like anything in life. It may not work out but that’s no reason to give up on the idea.
BD you’ve achieved all kinds of difficult things that most guys will never achieve, like your six figure income, your success with women, Alpha 2.0 life, etc. Lifetime marriage is the same thing. Yeah it’s hard, but it’s doable despite being statistically unlikely, just like you did everything else. Stats don’t apply to the individual.
I could give you more quotes but I think you get the idea. I’m going to explain why some of you guys really aren’t getting this.
First, as always, we have to get our definitions straight. I’ve said this before, but to re-iterate so there is no confusion:
1. When I say long-term monogamy, that means any monogamy expected to last much longer than three years, such as marriage. I do and have stipulated that short-term monogamy and serial monogamy can “work” for certain personality types. We’re only talking about the long-term marriage type of monogamy today.
2. Cheating isn’t monogamy. If you are married but you have cheated or your wife has cheated, you are not monogamous, and your monogamy has failed. Your marriage might have survived, but you’re not a monogamous couple any more. You’re simply a dysfunctional OLTR at that point.
Now that we have that out of the way, let’s start where the above argument is correct. I have indeed achieved several things over the course of my life that are statistically unusual, for example:
1. Starting a small business and making it succeed. (Several times.)
2. Getting my income to six figures by age 27.
3. Having sex with a number of women equal to many times the statistical average.
4. Losing 40 pounds and (so far!) not gaining it back.
I could list a few other things but the point of this article is not to brag about my achievements. Everything above has very low odds for success for the typical, statistical American man. True. Doesn’t this mean that long-term monogamy is now a worthwhile goal, even if your odds of success are less than 13%?
No. There is one very important difference between the above items and long-term monogamy with one woman. That is, I did not have to rely on a single, external individual to accomplish those things.
When you’re married (or unmarried but long-term monogamous; I will use the word “married” to describe both for the remainder of the article), you require one single, external individual (your wife) to consistently behave a certain way for at least 45 years or so. During that time, to be successful at long-term monogamy, she
1. Cannot ever cheat.
2. Cannot ever divorce you.
If she does either one of those things, your monogamy has failed. Again, you could argue that your marriage or relationship somehow survived, but you’re not monogamous any more, and you have joined the ranks of the 87% (at least!) of the Western population who do not have the ability to be sexually monogamous to one person for more than a few years.
As soon as you get divorced or she cheats (or you cheat), cue the Blackdragon smirk of “I told you so” and “Thank you for proving my point.” Also cue the “I should have listened to you three years ago” emails I frequently get.
Moreover, you require this woman behave this way for you to be successful. Her necessary behavior is not optional or helpful to your success, it’s required for your success.
This means that you can, literally, be the greatest husband on planet Earth, have the greatest monogamous relationships skills in history, be greatest dad who ever lived, be the smoothest, strongest and most even-handed Alpha Male (1.0) in the manosphere, and you’re still only 50% of the equation.
Over the next 40+ years, even if you’re Mr. Amazing and do everything 100% perfect in your relationship (yeah right), she’s still likely to eventually get bored, or cheat, or get really pissed at you, or decide she doesn’t like you any more, or cuts back on the sex, all of which are things she is biologically hard-wired to do. Then odds are she’ll divorce you or cheat if she hasn’t already.
Now before your head explodes, I have stipulated many times before that if you are a very skilled Alpha Male, you can extend the time it takes before she starts doing these things. You can also reduce the severity of these things. A clueless beta might start getting these things within two years after his wedding, but you as the awesome Alpha Male might not experience them until seven or nine years.
But prevent them from ever happening? Ever? In a time frame of over 40+ years? Sorry dude. Your odds are ridiculously low, regardless of how hard you work at it or how amazing you are.
Lastly, if it doesn’t work out, and you need to replace her with a new (better) wife, you’ll need to get a divorce, and again, you’ve failed and become a statistic (87%+). Marriage is not like a video game or starting a small business where you can keep trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and failing, and eventually nailing it and being successful. I don’t think anyone reading these words wants to get married and divorced seven times before finding the perfect wife.
Examine the above four statistically unlikely things I’ve accomplished. Did any of them require a single, individual woman to behave a certain way for 40 years? How about 10 years? Hell, how about just 2 or 3 years?
Nope. Instead, it was all (or mostly) about me and my own individual efforts. Here’s what I mean:
1. Starting a small business and making it succeed. This does not require any single, individual woman to do anything. It’s all about you. Yes, you need to work with other people, but if they don’t play ball, you fire their asses and replace them literally whenever you want (this includes customers too!) while still not failing in your business.
Yes, there are external factors related to your success, like the industry you work in or the product you sell. But just about any industry is flexible enough to make money in (assuming you work hard enough), and if you’re not selling your product correctly you can modify the product (or service) and/or change how you market it until something works. Successful entrepreneurs do this all the time, myself included.
If I have to modify my product, change a marketing technique, or fire an employee or subcontractor in order to be successful, I’m still in business and I still haven’t failed. But if you get married and she doesn’t work out (i.e. she cheats or you get a divorce) your Disney marriage/monogamy has failed.
See the difference?
(The only exception to this are men who get married with the secret intention of getting divorced down the road, whom I’ve discussed before. If you want to get married and really don’t mind getting divorced later, then I think you’re a weirdo but at least you’re not delusional, so I’m not talking to you guys today. I’m talking about men who think if they are “Alpha enough” or “work hard enough” they can have a forever, or close to it, mono-marriage, i.e. Disney.)
2. Getting to a six figure income at a young age (or any age!). Again, this is all based on your individual efforts, not the efforts of you and a woman you can never replace and who needs to behave a certain way for 40 years. Or even five years. Or even one year.
3. Having sex with a number of women equal to many times the statistical average. This one is interesting. It’s reliant on women certainly, but not one particular woman. That’s a huge difference, and one many men don’t understand. I’ve talked before about the thought many Alphas have that “I’ve fucked a lot of girls so I’ll be good at a serious relationship.”
Pickup, dating, seduction, and sex are about a large pool of women that you’re working with, not just one girl. If any individual girl doesn’t work out, no prob. You next them (or they next you) and you move on to the next woman on the list. A relationship is about you and one other woman, one-on-one. It’s an entirely different thing, both logistically and statistically.
But even relationships I have put in my favor! How? Simple. Since I know long-term monogamy doesn’t work, I date multiple women. Under an FB/MLTR model, my odds for success go from long-term monogamy’s pitiful 13% to 90% or higher, because I’m dealing with a group instead of one particular individual.
Well what about OLTRs then BD?
I’ve got that one covered too. I’ve said numerous times that OLTRs are temporary even if you do everything right. I never expect to have an OLTR that lasts longer than 10 years, ever. I’ll be damn lucky if I ever get one that lasts longer than seven. If I do have one that lasts 10+ years, that’s wonderful, but I’m not planning on it. Actually planning on such a thing would be dumb.
Why? Because just like with Disney monogamy and unlike FBs or MLTRs, an OLTR requires one specific, individual woman to behave a certain way for a prolonged period of time. It would be insane of me to think this would be a doable thing “forever.” For three years or five years? Sure. I’ve done it. But for longer than ten years? Possible but very unlikely, even if I do everything right.
This is the same reason you can’t compare starting a business with long-term monogamy. Dealing with a large group is a very workable model for statistical success. Dealing with just one person is a crap shot. A bad one.
4. Losing 40 pounds and (so far!) not gaining it back. Clearly this did not require any one woman do to anything. It was all about my individual efforts, regardless of what any woman external to me did or did not do.
Interesting side point. If anything, being married and monogamous actually makes losing weight more difficult. When I was married it was extremely difficult to lose weight, since the wife was horrified every time I ate healthy. She’d make a wonderful lasagna dinner with cake for dessert, and as she and the kids were eating that, I’d be eating my tiny salad and nothing else. Oh man, she hated that. Other chubby married men who try to lose weight often report the same problem with their wives. Not to mention the standard problem monogamous men have where their wives or live-in girlfriends sort of want their men to look dumpy to avoid competition from other women.
Bottom line, you as an Alpha should set strong goals that involve things that are statistically unlikely provided those things don’t require a single, particular, external individual to behave a certain consistent way for 40+ years.
If you want to start a business, become a millionaire, lose 70 pounds, win a gold medal, become elected to high office, become famous, or anything like that, that’s great! Set a goal, make a plan, and get it done! If you want it bad enough and work hard at it, your odds are decent. Maybe not great, but decent, depending on the goal.
But if you want to get stay sexually monogamous with one particular woman for the rest of your life, it doesn’t matter how hard you work at it. It doesn’t matter how good you are, how Alpha you are, how sweet and submissive and feminine she is, or how many relationship books or blogs you’ve read, your odds of that working out over a 40+ year period are fucking terrible.
You cannot equate something like the low odds being successful in business to the low odds of having long-term monogamy work. Hopefully now you understand the logistical and mathematical reasons why.