The term “sex addiction” is thrown around a lot these days in an effort to shame men’s normal, natural, biological desires. Just like the term “rape culture,” the term “sex addict” is constantly applied to scenarios that have nothing whatsoever to do with addiction. It’s also been applied repeatedly and incorrectly to several high sex drive celebrities like Tiger Woods. They even made a South Park episode about society’s silly misuse of this term.
Have sex several times a week? You’re a sex addict!
Masturbate a lot? You’re a sex addict!
Have sex with multiple women on a regular basis? You suffer from sex addiction and need to go into treatment!
Cheated on your wife? Holy crap! Sex addiction!!!
Like going to strip clubs? Sex addict! (Oh, and “rape culture” too!!!)
None of these things have anything whatsoever to do with sex addiction. These things are all biologically normal and natural things healthy men do. You might not like them, and I may not like some of them (I don’t like strip clubs and I’m against cheating), but none of these things have anything to do with an addiction.
My dad was a psychologist and mental health counselor for several decades. He would talk to me at length about his work, and I worked in his small business briefly while in high school. So while I’m no expert, I do know a little about what addiction is and is not, sex addiction as well as other types (drug, alcohol, etc).
Sex addiction has nothing to do with being horny or having lots of pleasurable sex. Sex addiction is a clinical condition and a compulsive behavior. Compulsive means you do it even if it doesn’t make you feel good other than to relieve the obsession.
Raise your hand if you have sex all the time even though it doesn’t make you feel good. No? Me neither. Then congrats, you’re not a sex addict, even if you’ve had sex with 20 different people this year.
I’ve met one or two real sex addicts. It’s pretty horrible. These are guys who suddenly leave their jobs during the day to go to have sex with 350 pound women, disgusting crack whores, or transvestites. When they have sex, it’s not an act of pleasure. It’s an act of desperation. It’s not something they look forward to, it’s something they have to do. Because it’s an addiction.
The Difference Between Sex Addiction and High Sex Drive
On the other side of the coin, I have a high sex drive. This is not sex addiction, though low sex drive people, people with lots of ASD, women over age 33, and/or more conservative, traditional, or right-wing people may view it as such.
I have a lot of sex because I have a highly-masculine, highly-driven personality that really enjoys sex. It’s just the way I am. I’ve always been this way. It’s a personality trait, not an addiction.
Throughout the last few years, I’ve been accused of being a “sex addict” once or twice by uptight people, just like most other high sex drive Alpha Males have been. I always knew I wasn’t, but I wanted something specific to verify this. I talked to my dad about it one day.
“How can I prove I don’t have sex addiction?” I asked him, “Or do I?”
“It’s simple,” he said, “Do you ever turn down sex when it’s offered from a woman?”
“Sure,” I said, “Semi-regularly in fact.”
“Then you don’t have sex addiction,” he said, “A sex addict wouldn’t be able to do that.”
As longtime readers know, throughout my life I’ve always had an “8” rule. I won’t have sex with a woman unless I consider her an “8” on the 1 to 10 hotness scale. (As always, this is subjective, so when I say “8” it’s what I personally would consider an 8, which will vary wildly from man to man, as I’ve explained before and have empirically proven). If a woman is a 7 or under, I won’t have sex with her. I have no interest.
The only exception to this rule is women who are “grandfathered in”; women who have been in my life a long time and have gained weight since first having sex with them (which almost all American women do eventually). There’s a limit to this of course. If they gain too much weight I have to next them, and have before, which again I could not do if I had “sex addiction.” But if they gain a little and drop below an 8, I’ll still see them as long as they don’t give me drama.
With this “8 rule” in mind, during my high-activity years of 2008 to about 2010, I often encountered women who wanted to have sex with me, but whom I considered a 7 or lower. I turned them down, every time. I had no interest in having sex with personal 7s or below, and still don’t. This pattern of behavior would be impossible if I suffered from “sex addiction.”
This applies to you as well. If you’ve had sex with a lot of women, but they all are above a standard of beauty for yourself, you’re not a sex addict regardless of how objectionable your sexual frequency (of sex or of women) is to society.
Let’s take the sadly ridiculous Tiger Woods, whom I’ve joked about before. He’s a complete idiot in his personal life, but he’s not a sex addict.
Data point one. Tiger Woods is a good-looking, wealthy, successful, famous Alpha Male. As I’ve demonstrated perhaps hundreds of times, what happens when a good-looking, wealthy, successful, famous Alpha Male promises monogamy to one woman? The answer is: he cheats on her like a dog. This is not sex addiction. This is normal male behavior. If you were a good-looking, wealthy, successful, famous Alpha Male, you’d cheat like a dog too. Hell, you’d do it even if you were an Alpha who wasn’t good-looking, wealthy, successful, or famous.
That’s why it’s so ridiculously stupid when Alphas promise monogamy to women, particularly long-term monogamy like marriage. But I’ve beat that topic to death already.
Data point two. Was Tiger Woods hooking up with random, everyday girls like a sex addict does? Ugly girls? Average or plain girls who happened to cross his path? Nope. Pretty much every woman he hooked up with was skinny, young, and super hot. We’re talking Hollywood/model quality here. There are pictures of most of these women here and here. Go take a look; these were extremely attractive babes. Tiger had sex with a lot of girls, but he was very picky in regards to who he had sex with. This would not have been the case had he been suffering from “sex addiction.”
Yet despite all of this, when Tiger got caught, he was accused of being a “sex addict” and went into “therapy” to “cure” his “condition.” WAAAHAHAHA! This was so funny at the time that I laughed more at this than I did with the South Park episode which came a little later (which was really funny too).
That wasn’t the end of it. After getting divorced (big shock) stupid Tiger got monogamous again (Jesus) with a new girlfriend (see Christian Troy Disease in my glossary) and cheated on her too (big shock). Take a look at the wording of this article describing it. Tiger Woods, “alleged sex addict” had his “addiction” “relapse.” It’s hilarious.
He had a one night stand with a “nameless, faceless woman.” Oh, I bet she did have a face, and I bet it was super hot. That’s not sex addiction. That’s normal Alpha behavior (Alphas dumb enough or high-drama enough to promise absolute sexual monogamy, that is). I’m also sure it wasn’t just one woman. There were probably many. Still not sex addiction.
But Isn’t Sex Relief?
One argument that could be made against what I’m saying is that men who call themselves high sex drive do have sex addiction because if they don’t have sex they feel stressed and need a release. Isn’t that indicative of an addiction?
If you don’t eat for a long time, you get hungry and irritable. Does this mean you have a food addiction?
If you don’t go pee all day and feel like you’re going to explode, do you have an addiction to going to the bathroom?
Of course not. It means you biologically require food and urination on a regular basis.
The confusion lies in the amount of food required. A 6’3” male athlete weighing 250 pounds of muscle is going to get more hungry more often than a petite 5’1” woman who weighs 100 pounds. If the guy gets hungry all the time, that little woman might frown at him and accuse him of having a “food addiction.” He’s not addicted; he just needs more food than she does. It’s all perfectly normal and healthy. She’s just being a simple-minded solipsistic bitch.
It’s very true that if I go without sex for a time, I don’t feel as good. As a high sex drive man, if I go without sex for even one week, I “feel” it. I’m okay, but I do feel a twinge of frustration. At two or three weeks of zero sex, I’m definitely feeling less than 100%. Once I have sex, I do feel better. Regular sex ensures that I’m more focused at work, in a happier mood with my co-workers and children, and sleep better. As I’ve described on this blog and in my books, men who deny themselves regular sex because it’s “not that important” or it’s “not that big of a deal” are harming themselves as men. Men are sexual creatures. Alphas more so. Sex is a big deal. It’s critically important.
This is why I usually have sex around three times a week. However, as I write these words, I’m on a month-long trip to Asia, where it’s possible, even likely, that I may not have any sex during the entire trip(!). I’m having so much fun, this is perfectly fine. It’s an exception to my sexual frequency. Once again, there’s no way in hell I could pull this off if I had a “sex addiction.” If I did, I’d be slamming Asian prostitutes left and right while here, yet I’ve never had sex with a prostitute in my entire life.
But let’s get back to the point. If you feel some negative pressures if you go without sex for a while, does that mean you’re a sex addict? Well, it depends on how you handle it.
If you go without sex for a few days, then your head explodes because you just can’t stand it, and you immediately run out and have sex with an ugly chick, or a disgusting prostitute, or the next-door neighbor’s 14 year-old daughter, then yeah, one could argue that you’re suffering from some kind of addiction, or at least an imbalance.
But if instead you thoughtfully and systematically take the time necessary to have sex with someone you find attractive, in a way that doesn’t harm your life or anyone else’s, then no, you’re not a sex addict; you’re a healthy, high sex drive man behaving normally.
Moreover, when I have sex, I really, really like it. Sex is a pure pleasure for me, on all levels. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It’s all wonderful and there’s literally nothing bad about it, at least for me. Sex is the highest form of physical pleasure a normal person can feel, and I include massages in there which also feel amazing (but not as good as sex!).
I don’t have sex because I “need my fix.” I have sex because I truly and honestly enjoy it immeasurably.
I will go back to one of my favorite quotes of all time, said by Scott Adams:
Society is organized in such a way that the natural instincts of men are shameful and criminal while the natural instincts of women are mostly legal and acceptable.
That’s exactly what we’re talking about here when women (and some low sex drive men) throw around the stupid term “sex addiction.” It’s why women and beta males in society attempt to shame normal, healthy men with inaccurate terms like “sex addict” when it clearly doesn’t apply. As is usually the case with these things, these people are actually harming real sex addicts when they throw this term around so recklessly and inaccurately.