Many years ago when I was dating a lot more women over the age of 33, I heard them often use a particular word during the first few dates. This word: chemistry. Many women at this age range used this word a lot. They spoke of it as if it was something very important and very hard to find. It was a big deal to them.
Interestingly, I never heard any women under the age of 33 using this word. Actually, I can tell you for a fact that I have never heard a woman under the age of 33 using this word in a dating context in my entire life. Yet women over 33 use this word all the time when dating.
I found this very interesting and started to examine this further.
Women over the age of 33 are correct; “chemistry” is quite rare. It’s quite possible for a woman over the age of 33 to go on ten first dates and not have “chemistry” with any of those men, forcing her to continue her search. However, if a woman under the age of 33 goes on ten first dates, she’s very likely to find at least one guy she likes a great deal, regardless of if she finds chemistry or not.
Why is this?
This is because, generally speaking, women over the age of 33 are looking for chemistry, while women under the age of 33 are looking for attraction. These are two very different things.
Attraction is achieved when a woman is A) turned on by you at least to some degree and B) feels at least somewhat safe with you.
Whether or not she feels safe with you is based solely on your behavior during dates. This is tied to being horny vs. being sexual, something I cover in detail in my ebooks. Horny is threatening and a turn-off. Sexual is attractive and safe.
Whether or not she feels attracted to you is a result of her embedded number and how well you rank against that number based on your appearance and behavior. I explain that in this article here.
Attraction isn’t very complicated. If she likes you and feels at least somewhat safe, you’re in. She’ll have sex with you relatively quickly. Even if you screw a few things up, she’ll still probably have sex with you. Of course you can completely screw things up and lose her before you have sex, but that usually means you didn’t make her feel safe; she was probably still attracted to you but she couldn’t go there because she felt threatened in some way.
Chemistry sounds like it’s the same as attraction, but it’s a completely different thing. It’s much more complicated and delicate.
Attraction is the combination of being turned on and feeling safe.
Chemistry is the combination of attraction and compliance to a predetermined checklist.
Attraction is one key component of chemistry. She has to be attracted to you or there’s no chemistry. However, once she’s attracted to you, she now needs another layer of complexity that most younger women don’t care about. You now need to comply with a checklist of qualities she’s preselected for the ideal boyfriend or husband. Since most women over age 33 in the dating pool are provider hunters, this extra aspect is important to them.
You’re on a first date with a 37 year-old woman looking for chemistry. You both start talking, and you look good to her. You’re able to carry on a conversation without looking like a dork, and you’re not too needy. Now she’s attracted. Well done, but she’s not looking for attraction. She’s looking for chemistry.
Half an hour into the conversation you’re both talking about your pasts, and you mention you voted for George W. Bush. She’s a left-winger, so immediately you’ve violated one of the items on her internal checklist (“He can’t be a conservative.”). You also mention several times that you really enjoy going fishing. She visualizes how gross fish are and how much they stink. Unwittingly, you’ve violated another item on her list (“He needs to be a clean-cut guy.”).
You don’t have to actually say something to violate a chemistry-seeker’s checklist. It’s very easy to destroy chemistry nonverbally. Maybe you have a habit of scratching the back of your hand, or of brushing hair away from your forehead. Maybe the tone of voice you use with the waitstaff isn’t what she would visualize the ideal future boyfriend/husband would use. So even if you carefully control everything you say during a first date (which you should) you can still easily violate a woman’s checklist and make chemistry impossible.
After the date, you text her and she doesn’t respond. You never hear from her again. When her girlfriend asks about the date, she casually remarks that you were a cute and cool guy but there “wasn’t any chemistry.”
It’s not that she wasn’t attracted to you. She was! You simply violated a few items on her list, eliminating the feminine concept of “chemistry.”
Two weeks later you go out on first date with a 26 year old woman. During this date, you look good and carry yourself well. She’s attracted. You also make the same mistakes again by mentioning you voted for George W. Bush and love to go fishing a lot. This 26 year-old, just like the 37 year-old, is also a big left-winger and hates men who fish. When you mention Bush and fishing, she frowns, perhaps makes a negative comment, but it’s no big deal. She’s still attracted, so it’s okay. She’s not looking for chemistry. She’s looking for attraction.
A few hours later she has sex with you, and it’s amazing for both of you. Six months later, you’re both still dating, really care for one another, and are both having a great time. During all this, that 37 year-old woman is still going out on first dates, looking for chemistry, not finding it, getting exasperated, and bitching about “where have all the good men gone?”
While the 26 year-old, seeking attraction, is having orgasms with you and having a great time. The 37 year-old, seeking chemistry, goes home to her vibrator.
Which one is happier?
Which one has a more positive view of dating?
Which one has a more positive view of men?
If you’ve been on lots of first dates with women over age 33 and under age 33 like I have, you already know the answer.
Your Influence Over Attraction vs. Chemistry
Attraction is directly within your control. You have vast control over your physical appearance, your fashion, and how you behave on a first and second date. Of course you can’t have sex with any woman you want; that’s a PUA myth. However, by controlling these three variables, you can create attraction with a much higher percentage of women you meet. I’m living proof of this. Years ago I had lots of trouble creating attraction because all three of those variables were not optimal. Today they are (within reasonable constraints), so creating attraction on a first or second date for me is very easy. My results reflect this, as will yours.
Chemistry isn’t really within your realm of control at all. Since attraction is 50% of chemistry, you can improve your odds of chemistry a little by ensuring attraction more often. The problem is you don’t know the exact checklist of that woman sitting next to you at the bar or standing next to you at the bookstore. The only way to ensure you create chemistry with a new woman (once you have attraction) is to extract a copy of her checklist from her brain, memorize it, and then make sure not to say or do anything that violates anything on that list.
Worse, you may find items on that list unacceptable to you. I don’t like to wait for sex past the second date, and refuse to wait past the third. So I’ve destroyed chemistry with many over-33 women who were very attracted to me simply because I tried to have sex with them on the second or even third date. Since one of the items on their checklist was “He’s a gentleman and doesn’t try to have sex with me before we’ve been dating for a few weeks,” I violated chemistry (on purpose in this case) and I was out.
The point is, even if I was aware those women had that rule, I would have violated that rule anyway. I’m not waiting for five or six dinner dates before I have sex with someone. Are you fucking kidding me? What if she decides to dump me on dinner date number four? (Which, by the way, women do to guys all the time, and did to me back when I was stupid enough to go along with this system.)
Again, the level of attraction these women feel for you is completely irrelevant, and this is key point many Alphas misunderstand when I discuss the problems with getting to sex quickly with women over the age of 33. I’ve relayed real-life stories before about over-33, chemistry-seeking women I was on dates with who were so turned on by me that even though they resisted sex when I tried, they instead ran home, masturbated while thinking about me, and texted me and told me all about it. I had attraction nailed, but I didn’t achieve chemistry. So I never had sex with these women.
This is one of the many reasons I stopped cold-approaching (online or in real life) any women over the age of 33 several years ago, and never regretted that decision. Every first date with new woman I have these days is with a woman seeking attraction, not chemistry. Attraction is largely within my control, and I have that nailed, so my results on any given under-33 dating blitz are always good.
I still have sex with women over 33 all the time; I love older women, but these are women I already know somehow. They’re not strangers I met at the grocery store or on a dating site. If you already know them, the need for chemistry is short-circuited, so it’s not nearly as much of a problem. However, if I’m looking to schedule first dates with strangers, I never go above age 33 no matter how attractive they are or how eager they seem. The vast majority of those women are looking for chemistry, not attraction, therefore going out on a first date with a woman like this is going to be a waste of both my time and my money.
Even worse, as an Alpha Male 2.0, I’m almost guaranteed to violate several items on her checklist no matter how careful I am. Of course I could lie, but I refuse to lie to women in order to get laid or to establish a relationship. Lying = drama, and I don’t do drama, so I don’t lie. I’d rather next Ms. Inflexible and move on to the next woman on the list.
Beta males (and the Alpha 1.0s who are good actors) have better odds…or rather, less bad odds at violating these internal feminine rules.
So next time a woman starts talking about “chemistry,” be aware that she’s talking about something you have almost no control over, and it might be time to cut your losses and get out of there.