A female reader (Sassa) wrote in to me recently and asked some questions that I found very interesting. Women often write in and ask me for specific advice to follow, and sometimes I can’t answer those questions well because I’m on the other side of the table. However, Sassa’s questions all revolved around what men like or do not like in nonmonogamous relationships. Now that I can answer!
These topics also directly relate to you men in terms of managing these types of relationships, specifically how to structure an OLTR.
I read all your articles, I think them open minded. I have some questions in mind and I would appreciate if you can make an article about women and their attitude to an open long-term relationship.
1. When, based on your way of thinking is she right to become a MLTR or OLTR to a Man’s life?
The most important difference in the qualifications of a woman in an MLTR vs. an OLTR is that a woman must qualify for an OLTR over a period of several months. A woman must also “qualify” for an MLTR as well, but it doesn’t take any time and the standards aren’t super high; I can make her an MLTR within a week of first having sex with her if I want.
If I meet a new woman, have sex with her two or three times with minimal effort, and it’s clear to me that she’s not a dumb bimbo, or hopeless drug addict, or drama queen, or has a lot of problems in her life, then boom, she’s an MLTR. No qualification period needed; she just needs to be a normal woman.
If she’s a problematic woman, that’s fine too. She’ll just be an FB. I love my FBs, even the crazy ones. As long as they don’t give me drama, I’m in, and I’m there to stay.
Sometimes I can be wrong, and a woman I made an MLTR really should have been an FB. I’ve made this mistake before and I’m sure I will again. No prob. I just downgrade her to FB. If she bitches about it, she gets a soft next and I continue on my merry way, having sex with other women and focusing on my Mission, which is more important than any woman and always will be.
OLTR is very different. With an OLTR, I’ve made commitments and promises. I’ve actually chosen to limit my behavior, at least to some degree. With an MLTR, I haven’t made promises or commitments at all. Thus, only the most consistently well-behaved women qualify for an OLTR, at least in my world. How do I know if she’s consistently well-behaved if I’ve only been dating her for just a few weeks?
The answer is, I don’t.
For most of my life, I’ve had a three-month rule, which states this: Anyone can be nice for a month or two, but no one can fake it for three months. Even the biggest asshole or biggest raging bitch can pretend to play it cool for a few weeks, but I’ve never seen anyone keep this up for three months straight. At three months at the very latest, the comfort starts to set in, the armor starts to crack, and the real person is finally revealed. At three months, you pretty much know what you’re dealing with. Before that, you really don’t.
This is why it’s absolutely insane to watch people constantly getting into committed relationships when they’ve been dating some new person for less than three months. STUPID! You’re asking for problems and drama. But the world being what it is, problems and drama are what most people like, so as always, I let people live a world of pain if that’s what they want. I have better things to concern myself with.
In my world, at three to five months, it’s time for The Talk, where I clearly verbalize for the first time that I’m not monogamous and never will be. She already knew this of course, via my rock-solid, nonmonogamous, Alpha 2.0 EFA, but this is the first time I’m actually saying it.
If she wants to be my OLTR, she needs to not only survive this talk, but agree to it. It’s one of the core requirements for OLTR. I will love her, love only her, be pair-bonded to her, but I’m going to get a little on the side occasionally. Because duh, I’m a man. Fair is fair, so she can too if she absolutely needs to, within whatever ground rules we set together.
Because I consciously do everything else correctly in my open/poly relationships, these days I have an over 80% success rate when I have The Talk with a woman, so it’s not a big deal. (If you’re a man and want to learn exactly how to do all this, get this ebook here.)
Then, I need to wait another three months to ensure these three things:
1. She really does want to go along with a nonmonogamous relationship based on maturity and honesty instead of a monogamous relationship based on lying, scarcity, and false Societal Programming. In other words, I have to make sure she’s not saying she wants it just because she doesn’t want to lose me; she has to truly be willing to go along with a long-term relationship like this.
2. She sticks around. Gotta make sure she doesn’t LSNFTE me for a nearby beta male who will happily hand over his balls to her and promise monogamy. This is very common.
3. She can handle a sexually open relationship with a minimum of drama and jealousy. I understand everyone is human, can have bad days, and be a little jealous sometimes. A little is okay. Any more than a little, and she’s no longer qualified for OLTR.
After three months of that, she’s now my OLTR (if I choose). This means I’m waiting for a good 6-12 months between the first time we have sex and when she’s officially my OLTR. The last OLTR I had took over two years (!) to become my OLTR. She was an FB for over a year, then graduated for MLTR, and then she became an OLTR.
I see too many guys meeting a new girl who is Not Like The Rest™ and instantly making her their OLTR. This is a mistake. My “wait to make sure before making her your OLTR” advice is probably the most ignored advice I give. And men always pay the price for ignoring it.
As you can see, OLTR is a big deal. It’s a world away from MLTR. If I’m actually going to make promises and commitments to a woman, and cut off all other women (besides FBs) in my life, she’d better not only be amazing, but prove via actions and not promises. That takes time.
2. What are the things she would avoid to keep the relationship happy and open?
3. Demands (“You need to text me more often!” “You need to take me out more often!” “You need to put ‘In A Relationship’ with me on Facebook!” “You need to spend more time with me!”)
That’s about it for me. I can tolerate just about any other negative behavior from a woman besides the above three. Other men who are closer to the beta male or Alpha Male 1.0 sides of the scale would add other things to this list such as:
– Restricting sex
– Flirting with other guys
I’m an outcome independent Alpha Male 2.0, so I don’t care if a woman lies to me or doesn’t do what she’s told. I’ll just smile, downgrade her, and go have sex with someone else. Betaish guys, Alpha Male 1.0s, or aspiring 2.0s who still lean in the beta or 1.0 direction, are all going to have huge problems with a woman who is dishonest or “disrespectful,” so it depends on the guy.
3. What makes a man happy in a non monogamous relationship?
The women who have made me the most happy in my life are women who were:
1. Very sexual. This means women with higher sex drives who need sex often, who were submissive and flexible sexually.
2. Very happy. My favorite women, by far, are those who are smiling and happy most of the time. So many women these days are so stressed out and/or pissed off about so many things. A truly happy woman has the edge over all of them. Frankly, and I hate to say this, this is why Asian women often kick the asses of women of all other races when it comes to getting men. They’re just…happier, and men love happy women. (My favorite women, by far, are big-boobed blondes, but curvy Asians are my second fav.)
3. Very girly and feminine. Most people operate on an inverse scale of attraction, meaning more masculine men prefer more girly, feminine women. I’m extremely masculine, so I love girly girls who smile, giggle, wear dresses, love crap like unicorns and the color pink, spend hours putting on makeup, and do all that other girly shit. I can’t help it. It just turns me on even if it irritates me. A woman who exhibits these behaviors in a relationship will keep me much happier than a more butch chick who acts like a dude. (I’ve had happy relationships with those kinds of women too, so don’t get me wrong; I’m just specifying my favorite.)
On the flip side, two of my brothers have personalities that lie much closer to the feminine side of the scale. Thus, they’re turned on by tough, dominant women who look, act, and dress more androgynously. I’m not saying these women are ugly, or even masculine, but they’re certainly not girly. The point is you can usually tell what a man is attracted to and likes if you take the opposite of what he is.
4. What turns him off?
Every man will have a different answer for that question. The number one thing that turns me off is demands. When a woman starts to issue demands or try to boss me around, my dick wilts like a dandelion in the snow, and I start looking for the nearest exit. This is why it’s so difficult for me to go out on dates with women over age 33, since demanding obedience is a de facto societal standard with that age group.
I hate drama more than most other men on planet Earth, but drama just annoys me and takes away my happiness. However, demands actually turn me off. A woman barking an order at me instantly eliminates any sexual desire I had for her faster than just about anything else she could do, even if she’s super hot. Seriously. Demands are my anti-Viagra.
Again though, every man will have a different “big turnoff” based on his own personality, so be aware of this.
5. How often should a female make true the male’s fantasies?
However often he needs it, and again, every guy is going to be different about this. Some guys need that fantasy stuff all the time. If you’re with a man like this, get used to it and get comfortable with it.
I’ve already lived all of my sexual fantasies in real life bazillions of times, so I don’t need any “fantasy” when I have sex or spend time with a woman. I’m also pretty brainless during sex, since that’s the only time I let my inner caveman out to play, so I usually don’t have the presence of mind to do things like role-play or any of that stuff during sex. But hey, that’s me. Tons of men are really into that stuff.
Thus my answer: However often he needs it.
Lastly, I have something in the works that will help people like you. More on this in later in the month. Stay tuned.