Last week, we discussed why men lie, and one of the techniques I use to start off a nonmonogamous relationship. This confused some of you, so today, I will clarify why I do what I do, and why my methods have been so effective in creating long-lasting, low-drama, nonmonogamous relationships.
When some men, perhaps most Alpha Males, get into a new relationship, they lie to the woman about being sexually exclusive. They tell the woman that she’s the only one, and then cheat on her. As I’ve often said, men are very bad at keeping cheating a secret, so invariably these men eventually get caught and massive drama ensues.
Since I don’t like drama, I don’t do that. I’m 100% honest with women at all times.
Honesty is good, but some other Alphas take this concept to an opposite extreme. While entering into a new relationship with a new woman, they verbalize everything right up front. Well before the third date, these guys say something like, “Look, sweetheart. I’m going to fuck other girls while I’m with you. That’s the way I am. If you don’t like it, you should get the hell out.”
I wholeheartedly applaud these men’s attitude and the outcome independence. I really do. I wish there were more men in society like this.
The problem is as a technique this approach doesn’t work.
I see some of you objecting already, so I’ll clarify.
1. It might work if all you want are one night stands or very short-term relationships.
2. It can work if you are blatantly wealthy and throw a lot of money at the women you date.
3. It can work if you’re a celebrity, particularly a good looking one. Channing Tatum or Brad Pitt could probably pull this approach off with very little problem.
These exceptions are all well and good, but the reality is you’re probably not a wealthy celebrity who makes it rain $100 bills on women you have sex with. Also, statistically speaking most of you Alphas desire relationships that last longer than two or three months.
If you’re that normal kind of guy, and you want a longer-term nonmonogamous relationship with a woman, bludgeoning her over the head with this stuff right up front in the relationship will not work. It will usually result in a very offended and angry woman who will dump your ass and keep on looking.
As I’ve have discussed countless times and in countless ways, women are not robot-like creatures making rational decisions in their dating and relationship lives. Women are full to the brim with false Societal Programming, Obsolete Biological Wiring, and ASD. Even worse, the older she is the more SP and ASD she’ll have.
All of this is directly opposed to the concept of you sleeping with her while sleeping with other women. Granted, in just the last few years, women have really come around on this, and the trend is a good one, but we’re still not at the point where you can meet a random cutie on OKCupid and tell her on the first date that you’re going to be nonmonogamous. (Don’t worry, that day is coming, but not quite yet.)
Notice that I said her SP and ASD is opposed to you doing this. She isn’t opposed to you doing it at all. I, as well as thousands of other men all over the world, are living proof of how women will let you do this, provided you set up the relationship correctly in the initial stages. A little later in the relationship, as in three to five months in, you can verbalize everything, but not before then (unless she’s a rare exception to the rule or has lots of prior open/poly experience).
I talked about how to do that in the linked post above. I also go into step-by-step detail on how to do this in my open relationships ebook. Today I’m going to explain exactly why this blunt honesty stuff doesn’t work in setting up a new and still-young nonmonogamous relationship (at least the vast majority of the time).
Imagine your special lady is in the bathroom and is going to take a shower. Let’s assume she’s already naked. Let’s also assume you really like it when she takes freezing cold showers; it turns you on for some weird reason.
Imagine that you turn the shower on, and leave it on ice cold water. Then you pick her up and throw her in there. What is she going to do?
Of course she’s going to scream, “Aaaah! Too cold!” and leap out. Then she’ll have some choice words for you.
That’s what you’re doing when you hit her over the head with this nonmonogamous stuff right on the first date (or second, or third). It’s way too much for her SP, OBW, and ASD to handle. She’s been told all of her life, by her mom, girlfriends, teachers, religion, Hollywood, and the media that when you date a man you have feelings for, he has sex with just you and no one else. Otherwise he’s an asshole and you need to dump him ASAP.
This is completely false of course, but that’s the bullshit she’s been programmed with. Your strong, Alpha statement is nothing compared to the decades of false programming that’s been built up in her mind. All you get is a massive amount of resistance, and likely some hurt feelings on her part too.
Let’s take the opposite example, that of most men who promise monogamy and then cheat. Let’s say you turn the shower on and turn it to really warm. You wait until the water is a nice, warm, comfortable temperature. You tell her, “See honey? The water is warm, just like you like it.” You touch it to demonstrate it’s warm. You have her touch it to prove that it’s warm. Then she smiles at you, tells you what a great boyfriend you are, and gets in the shower.
She’s showering and loving it. After a few minutes, when her back is turned away, you reach in and quickly turn the shower to ice-cold.
What happens? She screams, leaps out of the shower, and you’ve got some drama on your hands.
This is what most guys do. They adhere to a woman’s false SP and ASD, play along with the monogamy game, make her feel comfortable, then cheat on her behind her back, get caught, and have all kinds of problems and chaos.
Notice that both the cheaters and the blunt-honesty guys are putting up with drama and resistance. The blunt-honesty guys are getting it right up front, the cheaters are getting it a little later, but they’re both getting it.
Compare that to me. I don’t have any drama or resistance despite the fact I’m sleeping with other women constantly and all of my women know it. (No one has “zero” drama of course. I might get rare, tiny smidges of drama, perhaps 1-3 times per year grand total accounting for all the women I date, but that’s it.) Here’s how I do it:
When I turn the shower on for her, I don’t make it comfortable warm, nor do I make it ice cold. I make it just lukewarm enough to be tolerable. I make it very clear to her that the water is lukewarm, not perfectly warm like she’d like it. She then enters the shower, slowly and carefully, with my help. It’s not as warm as she’d like, but she does like it, and starts to shower.
As she showers, I talk to her. About once every 90 seconds, I turn the dial just a tiny bit towards the cold when she’s not looking. Every 90 seconds I do this, as we’re talking. For a long time, she doesn’t even notice the water is getting colder. After about a few minutes, the water is actually cold. She might comment on the water being cold, and I just shrug. She may even ask me if I’ve been turning the dial. Again, I just smile and shrug. I don’t deny it, but I don’t verbalize it either.
All the while, I keep on turning that dial every 90 seconds or so. Soon, the water is just as cold as it was for the blunt-honesty guy, yet my girl is still in the shower, having been slowly acclimated to the new temperature. As a matter of fact, soon she actually comments about how good and refreshing the cold water feels.
Finally, she says, “Okay, you’ve been turning the shower cold as we’ve been talking, right?” And I respond, “Yep.” But by then it doesn’t matter. She’s already accustomed to the cold water, and has little or no problem with it, and stays in the shower with a smile on her face. Again, she might even like the cold water, a cold shower being something new and interesting she’s never experienced before.
This is exactly why my method works so well, and with such a large success rate. This is why I’m able to be nonmonogamous with women who have never been nonmonogamous before, and yet I’m able to maintain many years-long relationships with women with virtually zero drama.
Your Alpha Male 2.0 world of MLTRs and FBs (and possibly an OLTR) is so different from the world she’s accustomed to, you can’t just pull her into it and expect her to like it. You have to slowly, gently, and lovingly bring her into your world. If you do that, not only will she enter your world, but in most cases, she’ll actually start to prefer that world over her old world, and stay there for a lot longer than you’d expect.
I’ve done it scores of times with women of all ages, races, backgrounds, and personality types.