One of my exes recently sent me a text asking me about some strange behavior from a man she went on a date with. On their first date, they met up, went back to his place, made out and fondled for quite a while (no sex), and it was “great.” The next day he sent her a text saying he “didn’t think it would work out.” She was asking me what happened.
I said it was hard to tell with such limited information, but either he was a male provider hunter looking for a Perfect Virgin Wife™ and she violated his right-wing purity fantasies, or more likely there’s another woman in the picture. Usually when a woman goes from very hot to very cold like this, there’s always another man. Men work the same way, so the most likely explanation was there is another girl in there somewhere.
She said, “Yeah, I figured the same.” Then she sent me another text asking, “Why can’t men just be honest?”
I’ll tell you what I told her at the end of this article, but let’s talk about that. Women are always bitching that men lie to them during dating and relationships.
One of my personal standards is that I do not lie. Not to women, not to anyone. I am very good at not answering questions. I am very good at dodging questions. I am very good at being sarcastic. But none of that is lying. Lying is seriously stating something you know to be untrue. I don’t do this to women, ever, but I’m unusual in this regard. Why?
Let’s say a woman you’ve recently started sleeping with asks you, “Are you still having sex with other women?”
You have three options:
1. Say yes.
2. Say no.
3. Refuse to answer the question.
Most men in this scenario answer no. The problem is answering no is a lie. This not only means you’re a liar (not good for your self-esteem and inner peace to be a liar), but it’s also virtually guaranteed to bring you drama down the road. Since drama = unhappiness, and I don’t do unhappiness, I can’t answer no. I also constantly berate men about lying to women. DO NOT LIE TO WOMEN. Lying to women is STUPID. It’s a no-win scenario (unless you like a lot of drama). I don’t. You don’t have to either.
Saying yes is honest, but it also creates a huge problem. At best you’re in for some drama if you say that. At worst you’re in for a break-up. We’ll cover why this is in a minute.
This is why I always choose option three (unless she’s been around a very long time and we’ve already had “The Talk”). I just don’t answer the question. Often I’ll throw out some sarcastic remark (“Oh hell yeah. I fuck 15 women a week, baby!”) and then change the subject. It works as long as your frame is Alpha and outcome independent. (I even have a free ebook on exactly how to do it.)
But why do I have to do this? Why can’t I just say “yes” without any problems? More importantly, why do most men have to lie about these issues?
Why Men Lie
Do men lie to women? Yup. All the time.
Lest you think I’m picking on men here, let’s be fair about this. Do women lie to men in dating and relationships? Hell yes they do.
Chris Rock (who is busy these days getting ass-raped in a divorce…ah, monogamy) has an old joke about which of the two sexes lies more often. His answer: Men lie more often, but women tell the biggest lies. Men will lie to women all over the place, about all kinds of things in the relationship. Women generally won’t as often, but when they do lie, it’s a friggn’ doosey. (“It’s your baby!”)
We’ve already discussed why women lie about things like who the father is, or that she didn’t understand what she was signing when she signed that prenup, etc. But why to do men lie? It’s a much more interesting reason.
One of my favorite quotes (I even quoted it in my book) is from Scott Adams when he says:
Society is organized in such a way that the natural instincts of men are shameful and criminal while the natural instincts of women are mostly legal and acceptable.
This is, of course, correct.
If a woman is on a first date with a man, and she states her normal, natural, biological desires by saying, “I’d like to find a man to marry me, live with me, and have babies with me.” Men shrug and think, “yeah, okay.” That natural desire is completely acceptable by society. Not only is it acceptable and legal, but it’s even strongly encouraged.
What if, on that same first date, the man starts stating his normal, natural, biological desires? Ohhhh boy. You can see this one coming, can’t you? What if he’s honest and says, “Yeah, I’d like to be with a woman like that someday too. Kids would be fine. While married to this woman I also want to fuck cute teenage cheerleaders with big tits. You know, have a little on the side. I like variety, and younger women are more sexually attractive to me.” Just like the woman, he’s stating his normal, natural, inborn desire. And he’s being completely honest, which is what all women ask men to be.
You and I both know what would happen. The woman would be horrified and never see him again. If he actually acted on those normal, natural desires, he could even wind up in prison.
Society loves women’s natural sexual, dating, and relationship desires. Society hates men’s natural sexual, dating, and relationship desires.
Generally speaking, a woman stating her natural, sexual desires gets approval. (“I want a boyfriend.” “I want to get married.” “I want kids.”)
Generally speaking, a man stating his natural, sexual desires will face scorn, and will probably never get laid. (“I want to fuck that 16 year-old over there.” “I think people should always have sex on the first date.” “Honey, I want a threesome with your sister.”)
Because of this very usual predicament, men learn very early in life that they must lie to women in order to have sex with them and pair bond with them. Unless they’re aware of Alpha Male 2.0 concepts, they have no choice. If they clearly and honestly tell women what they’re doing, or what they want to do, very few women will go near them.
Of course women constantly say they want honesty from men, but they actually don’t. The last thing a woman wants to hear from her husband or boyfriend is that he wants to fuck her sister, or her best friend, or her mom(!), or her grown daughter(!). Or that he’s already fucked one of those people behind her back.
So men just keep on lying, and keep this stuff as far away from their women as they can, until they get found out, and then drama, break-ups, and divorces usually ensue. Because society doesn’t approve of men’s biological sexual desires the way it happily approves of women’s sexual desires.
Am I giving men a pass for lying to women because of this? NO. I’ve said it for years and I’ll say it again. MEN SHOULD NOT LIE TO WOMEN. LYING TO WOMEN IS STUPID.
What I am saying is that women cannot complain about men lying to them. YOU are the reason they’re doing it, ladies. Women (and society’s) largely pro-woman stances on sex, dating, and relationships are the direct cause of men lying to women.
If women (and society) didn’t care at all that men needed to have sex with younger hotties on the side while married (as just one of many of men’s unapproved yet perfectly honest and natural sexual desires), then men wouldn’t have to lie about any of this.
That’s what I told my friend. When she asked why men couldn’t just be honest, I told her that men get yelled at when they’re honest. Thus men lie.
Men’s sexual biology isn’t ever going to change. We’re going to be horny, societally-inappropriate bastards from now until Judgement Day. So either women need to wake up and accept men for the human beings they are, or men at large have to keep lying to women in order to get (and keep) sex, girlfriends, and wives.
Pick one of those two options, ladies. Then don’t complain about the option you choose.