Today we’ll discuss one of the most requested topics I’ve received: how to live the Alpha lifestyle, date, and/or have multiple relationships when you’re a single dad. I don’t like the word “single,” since it’s rarely accurate, so let’s call it Alpha dad instead of single dad. This is an Alpha 1.0 or 2.0 dad who has kids full time or part time and who is not in a live-in OLTR. He’s either a player, or has FBs/MLTRs, or has an OLTR whom he does not live with. (Dads living full time with a woman and his kids have a completely different set of logistical issues to deal with. I’ve already discussed those in detail in my ebooks.)
I have a lot of experience in this area. I’ve been an Alpha dad for almost a decade now. During that time, one or both of my kids have been staying over at my house at least once a week, often more than that, and much more often during the summer months. I’ve still been able to maintain long-term FB/MLTR relationships (and one OLTR) with ease.
Being an Alpha dad involves two areas: sexual logistics and relationship issues.
How do you get your natural, male sexual needs taken care of when you’ve got a bunch of little kids living with you? Here’s what you do:
1. An Alpha dad with an active dating life requires organization. So get organized. Get good at time management if you aren’t already. Start at my time management and business blog if you need more resources to get this done.
2. Do your very best to organize your dating schedule around the times when the kids are with their mom.
For many years I’ve had the same schedule: weekdays have been for work and sex, but weekends are for my kids. I usually have my kids on the weekends and they’re with their mom (and going to school) during the weekdays. Over time, I became accustomed to not seeing women over a weekend (unless the circumstances were unusual or she was an OLTR allowed to see my kids).
I realize that many of you Alpha dads don’t have it quite this easy. If there is no mom in the picture and you’re a full-time dad all on your own, that sucks, and you’re going have to get more creative. Keep reading.
Some of you have kid schedules that are really weird, like Wednesdays through Saturdays or every other week. Do your best. Work with their mom as best you can so that you have enough time during the week so you can go out and be a man. My point here is to not just throw your arms in the air and say “Well, that’s my schedule! That’s the way it is! I can’t do anything about it!” Anything can be modified with a little effort.
3. If all of your kids are younger than about 12 or 13, then set a goal to find two really good, really reliable, really available babysitters. Use Craigslist or sites like sittercity.com. Test a few babysitters out until you find two you really like. Remember I said two, not one. Just like with dating women, relying on just one babysitter isn’t going to cut it. She may not be available when you need her.
4. If any of your kids are age 13 or older, have that kid be your babysitter, and pay him/her a little cash if necessary. This is always an option unless your oldest kid isn’t reliable.
5. If all of your kids are over age 13, find a place near your home where they like to hang out. Examples would be a nearby mall or a Starbucks. Some kids like bookstores too. Movies are also an option. This way, if you need a few hours alone in your house, you have a place to drop them off. Again, make sure this is a place your kids legitimately like. You don’t want them viewing this as some kind of punishment.
As an example, my daughter likes to work on her laptop or her artwork by herself at a Starbucks or trendy bookstore for a little bit, especially if I throw her ten bucks. It works out great for me.
Obviously you don’t want or need to do this all the time, but having the option for occasional use is helpful. You can even combine this with the babysitter option; hire the babysitter to take your kids to the mall for 2-3 hours. Walla! Instant available house.
6. Once you start seeing a woman regularly, do your best to designate regular weekdays you see her. See Stacy every Tuesday and Jennifer every Wednesday. I realize this isn’t always possible, but again, do your best. If you’ve got a regular schedule with your women that meshes with your kid schedule, you’re golden. This is very doable provided you make an effort.
7. Remember that your kids come first. If there’s ever a scheduling conflict between one of my kids and one of my women, my kids always, always come first. It’s no contest. Never feel bad about this because I promise you that any single mothers you’re dating will feel the same way about you and her kids. You will always be second to them, so don’t feel bad about making women second to your kiddos.
When your kids get older, like age 16 or higher, then you can relax this, especially if/when your kids can drive and have their own cars. But if your kids are younger, always remember that your role as a dad is more important than your role as a Alpha.
At the same time, you also can’t forget that you are a man, thus regular sex is a requirement for long-term, consistent male happiness. Yes, your kids come first, but going without sex for six months because “you’re too busy with your kids” is simply ridiculous. With a little effort and organization, you can have both. I’m living proof of this. So are many other Alpha dads.
That covers sex. Now let’s talk about ongoing relationships with women.
Here are the big questions:
1. Do you allow your kids to see your women?
2. If so, who do you allow your kids to spend time with?
3. When is it appropriate to introduce a woman to your kids, if ever?
There are no definitive answers to these questions, and many people will have different opinions on this. I will give you my answers, the ones that have worked very well for me in raising two very happy, very impressive kids with minimal drama, both from the kids and from my women. Feel free to disagree with the system that I’m about to lay out, but I’ve field-tested it extensively and it’s worked great for me.
FBs are never allowed to meet your kids. FBs are your casual relationships, and introducing them to your kids is going to create confusion on your kids’ part, and drama and incongruence on the part of your FB(s). I strongly recommend you keep all of your FBs as far from your kids as possible at all times.
The one possible exception to this rule is if you have a single, unusual FB you’ve been seeing for many, many years and have become very good friends with. Under this one exception, it might be okay for your kids to see this person as purely your “friend,” which she is. No PDAs (public displays of affection) with her in front of your kids though.
New women are also not allowed to see your kids. Why? Because regardless of how much you like them or they like you, you have no idea how long these women will be in your life. The last thing you want is for your kids to see you with a long string of girlfriends, one after the other. Not good.
Just a month ago, a woman I had been seeing for less than three weeks seriously asked to spend a Saturday with me, my daughter, and her and her daughter. NO. This woman was super hot, super nice, and over 30. Doesn’t matter. Still NO.
Low-end MLTRs should also not be able to see your kids. Why? Because, if you have a higher MLTR that comes along, having your kids meeting her as well as your low-end MLTR is going to be weird.
A high-end MLTR, OLTR candidate, or OLTR is allowed to spend time with your kids, but only within certain parameters. The primary requirement is that you’ve been seeing that woman for quite a while with no trouble; I would say at least six months, and with zero or near-zero drama or demands that entire time.
At that point, you can have her spend as much time as your kids and you like provided you don’t violate the other standard open/poly other relationship rules (like only seeing a woman once a week max for MLTRs, not being too ass-kissing with an OLTR, keeping contact initiation to a minimum, etc).
The main rule here is that your kids should only have access to one woman at a time, and that woman should be someone who is A) very serious in your life and B) someone you know from past behavior will stick around for a long time. As an example, my kids have only had access to, I think, four women in my entire history, and only one of these women did they have regular and repeated access to.
Are there exceptions to the above? Sure. Older your kids are, the more you can relax the above guidelines. My son is 23, an adult, and his own man, so I don’t give a shit what women he sees me with, including FBs (though he lives several hours away so this doesn’t really happen). My daughter just turned 17 a few months ago, and knows me very well, so if she briefly bumps into an FB I won’t mind too much. However when she was 9, 12, or even 14, I was very strict with the above rules, and kept women far away from her with the exception of a long-term, proven OLTR.
It’s a balancing act. You can’t jeopardize your relationship with your kids, but you cannot use them as an excuse to not be a man. With some time-management and self-control, you can raise great kids while still being an Alpha Male.