These days I’m only on my personal Facebook perhaps once a month, if that. When I do hop on and take a look, I consider it a fun tool for human examination. Drama, Societal Programming, and Obsolete Biological Wiring are all on display on Facebook. It makes for interesting scientific (and not-so-scientific) observations about human behavior.
The other day I was on there looking through the news feed of my FB friends, at least 30% of which are people I went to high school with. There was some positive stuff in there, but overall it was not a pleasant sight. Here are a few things I saw. As you read through them, please remember the context: these are not young dumb people. These are people I went to high school with, which means they’re all in their early 40s.
One woman I had some business classes with way back in high school was now a grown up, good-looking, single mother with a fiancé. Just a few months prior she had put “Engaged” as her relationship status and received all the usual ass kissing from everyone.
Well, today was a sad day. She had just moved her “last stuff” from his house after cancelling the engagement. Why? Because he cheated. The “level of his deception” was incredible, she said. She “couldn’t believe how she was duped.” Looking back through her last few status updates, she was very, very angry. Understandably so.
Another woman, a very sweet girl I had a few math classes with back in high school, was lamenting that is was a “horrific” day. Why? Her husband was moving his stuff out to go live with his mistress. Her marriage was over, and I have to admit her sadness touched me. She has three kids. I can only imagine what they’re going through.
Next was a guy I had in one of my math classes. His monogamous girlfriend of two years had just dumped him “out of the blue.” Like most men who get dumped, he was not only hurt, but confused and didn’t know why she left. “Everything was going great. Or at least I thought so,” he said. He was clearly in pain.
This was all from one quick glance at my Facebook news feed. These cases are in addition to a few other recent and real stories I could tell you about some of my other high school alumni. My doctor friend who got divorced two years ago and lost his practice in the divorce. One of my old weight-lifting buddies who was in the military and discovered his girlfriend was pregnant with his brother’s baby when he came back from his deployment.
I could tell you so many of these stories, and if you’ve been around as long as I have, I sure you could too.
I will re-iterate again that all of these people are intelligent, college-educated, successful people in their 40s, raised in good, two-parent, suburban homes. Moreover, they’re all good, honest people. None of them deserve this pain.
Alright, let’s forget about my social circle and get closer to you. I get emails from men all over the world, and have for many years. I’ve received emails from men who have defended their monogamous relationship or monogamous marriage with all the usual excuses. Things like: You don’t understand Blackdragon. That won’t happen to me. I’m an Alpha. I’ve had sex with 57 women. I know what I’m doing. I understand women. She’s not like that. She’s a Christian. Her parents are still married. She was raised in <some other country>. She’s only had sex with three other guys before me. Sex isn’t that important. You’re just pissed off you got divorced. Etc, etc. All the usual excuses I’ve heard before and I’m sure I will hear again.
The problem is many of these same exact men send me emails a few years later about the divorce they’re now going through, or the child custody battle they’re now suffering through, or the girlfriend or wife who’s suddenly dumped them or cheated on them.
Like my high school buddies, these men are, for the most part at least, intelligent, honest and good people. They don’t deserve this pain.
I’m Trying To Help
I realize that I write in a very harsh, blunt, sometimes arrogant tone. Guilty as charged. Because of this tone, sometimes people assume that I say what I say because I’m an asshole, or because I’m angry, or because I’m trying to act like a know-it-all. None of this is true. (Well, okay, maybe I’m a little bit of an asshole, but I’m not doing this because I’m angry or trying to make you angry.)
The reason I talk about things like long-term monogamy not working, or legal marriage being very dangerous, or assuming you’ll be with the same person for the next 40 years is a mistake, is not because I’m some big, jaded jerk trying to attack you, attack your relationship, or attack your personal choices.
Actually, it’s because I’m trying to help you. I’m trying to hopefully help you prevent all the pain and suffering the vast majority of people go through in regard to breakups, divorces, legal battles over kids, and cheating. And yes, the stats clearly show it’s the vast majority of people who encounter these problems whether you want to admit it or not.
I understand your negative reaction when I quote facts like this. If you have a relatively new monogamous relationship (as in one year or under) with a person you really care for deeply, and then you read my stuff about how you’ll probably break up, get divorced, cheat, or get cheated on sometime down the road, then yeah, I understand why that would piss you off. I understand why you would take that as some kind of insult or personal attack upon you or your relationship.
I get it. I really do. The problem is when I relate factual, statistical, and biological realities about how human beings work, it’s not a personal attack upon you, even if it feels like it. Quite the opposite. I’m actually trying to help you. I know it doesn’t look like it or feel like it, but I really am.
I’m trying to get you to change your thinking just a little bit; just enough to prevent a bad breakup, a divorce, an affair, or a legal battle that will make you very unhappy.
I don’t want to see you unhappy. I don’t want to see anyone unhappy. I would love it if my Facebook feed was filled with nothing but people experiencing happy times, with great relationships built on honesty and real human biology instead of fear, scarcity, and false, quasi-religious Societal Programming that doesn’t work in the long-term in the real world.
By the way, I’m going to say something that may surprise you. If long-term monogamy actually worked, if 95% of the human population got married and NEVER got divorced and NEVER cheated, then I would be monogamy’s number one fan. Seriously. This Blackdragon Blog would be called the Blackdragon Monogamy Blog, and I would sing long-term monogamy’s praises and discuss various techniques on how to make your never-divorced-never-cheating-marriage work better.
I don’t have a personal vendetta against long-term monogamy, and I never have. I just know that the facts, stats, history, biology, psychology and science all very clearly show that human beings, men and women both, love to pair bond but absolutely hate long-term sexual monogamy, almost never do it, and never have. They either get divorced or cheat. (Remember I’m talking about long-term monogamy here, the kind expected to last past three years. I do admit that short-term monogamy a.k.a. serial monogamy can “work” for certain personality types.)
Whenever human beings in the Western world who are well under the age of 60 attempt long-term monogamy, the couple eventually either parts company, or at least one person in the couple gets sexual with someone else behind their partner’s back. I’m not saying these things will happen tomorrow or next month. It might take six months or three years or two decades, but the odds are overwhelming it will eventually happen. You know that’s true. I know that’s true.
If you live your life realizing this and admitting this to yourself, and structuring your life around these basic biological realities, you’ll live a happier life in the long-term. You’ll incur none or fewer of the massive life problems of drama, breakups, divorces, affairs, and/or legal battles that most other people have to eventually suffer through. Even if you do experience something like that, both the financial damage and emotional upset will be far reduced if you structure things correctly, such as getting an OLTR marriage instead of a TMM like everyone else.
One of the reasons I’m one of the happiest people I know is because I refuse to utilize systems in my life that don’t work, regardless of how badly other people in society think I should be using them. There are many popular-yet-completely-broken systems in our current society, but one of these is long-term monogamy. It doesn’t work, so I don’t do it. I do something a little different. But listen to this: I pair-bond just like you do. I get an emotional rush and experience the wonder of NRE just like you do. I fall in love just like you do. I just do it under a relationship structured a little differently. My relationships are built on honesty and human nature, instead of what religion, my friends, or my mom says is “appropriate.” That one key distinction makes a huge, positive difference in my level of long-term, consistent happiness. It’s not the only reason I’m really happy, but it’s definitely in the top three.
I want you to be happy too. I know that if you marry or move in with someone, promise absolute sexual monogamy, expect absolute sexual monogamy from that other person at all times, and expect that relationship to literally last for the next 40 years of your life, then the odds are overwhelmingly high that some point down the road you’re going to be very, very upset. You’re going to incur serious life problems that will likely takes years to overcome, if ever. I’m talking emotionally, financially, and with your current or future children. That’s not an insult against you. I’m just stating a fact that applies to all human beings in the Western world and in the modern era. Your odds of success under that system are ridiculously low, even if you’re intelligent, successful, experienced, educated, mature, and really love the person you’re now with.
I hope you remember all of this next time I say something that pisses you off, which I’m sure I will. I’m trying to help you. Honestly. I want you to be happy. Not just happy today or next week, but consistently happy for the rest of your life (as much as possible.) It’s a doable thing. You just need the strength to admit certain things about how men and women really behave in the real world.
Or, you can just keep right on being mad, call me a few names, write me off as some jerk on the internet, and get into an absolutely monogamous relationship that you expect to last forever. I hope it works out for you. I really do. I just know the odds are severely against it.