A while back I discussed when to spend money on women during the pre-sex dating phase. Today I’ll discuss when it’s a good idea, and bad idea, to spend money on women while in an ongoing relationship.
First, let’s cover the two extremes most common in society, neither of which work if you want harmonious, happy, long-term, low-drama relationships with women.
The most common extreme is the one most of us are familiar with. This is the (usually) monogamous beta male who showers his gal with cash, loans, gifts, romantic dates, food, drinks, trips, clothes, jewelry, and in more extreme cases, more expensive things like cars, fake boobs, expensive handbags, and the like.
Hopefully I don’t need to outline here why this is a terrible idea. Treating a woman this way invites drama, betaization, demands, and all kinds of other things you don’t want. Treating a woman this way also tends to speed up the end of the relationship, since women tend to get bored with a boyfriend to the degree to which he kisses her ass. If you keep spending money on your monogamous girlfriend, don’t be surprised when she suddenly goes serial mono on you (which means she’ll dump your ass).
The opposite extreme is less common but does happen. This is when a stronger man is in a relationship with a very submissive woman, and over time she starts paying for him in just about every way. I’ve seen many relationships over the years where the woman goes and works and the guy sits at home, smokes weed, and watches TV all day.
Sound awesome? Well, there’s a catch, and that is that these women are never very attractive. These women are almost always overweight and/or ugly. At best she’ll be what most men would consider a seven. Frankly, if she’s that high on the attractiveness scale, that guy’s days are numbered because soon she she’s going to dump his ass and upgrade to a new guy who’s less of a freeloader.
Is it possible to be in a relationship with a woman who is always paying for everything 100% of the time and is super hot? Oh yes. If your Alpha frame is rock-solid it’s quite doable. I’ve done it. But don’t expect these relationships to last that way for very long. As always, hot women always know that you’re replaceable, and thus know they don’t have to up with this crap forever. So if you don’t mind having lots of short (as in under 6-12 months or so) relationships like this, then go for it. But if you want something to last longer, you’re going to have to get a little more strategic.
It should go without saying, I hope, that you should never spend money on FBs. Never, ever, ever. Once you spend the minimum you need to spend on the first few dates and start having sex with her on a regular basis, you should never spend money on an FB at all, ever. If she doesn’t like it, she’s more than welcome to leave. (But she won’t if you’re following all the usual correct techniques.)
Are there some exceptions to this? Sure. Normal gas/bus/subway transportation costs are okay. If you need to go to her place or transport her to yours, that’s fine as long as you aren’t sending limousines to pick her up. You older guys with higher incomes are welcome to use things like taxis and Uber, but I don’t; I just don’t want to send that kind of message to a woman I know will never be anything more than an FB. Have one of her girlfriends or needy guy orbiters to drive her over; much better.
The world also isn’t going to end if, for example, while she’s with you on the way to your place to have sex you stop off at a Taco Bell drive thru and spend $4 to get her a burrito. I’ve done kind of thing once or twice with some FBs, and as long as it doesn’t happen very often and the rest of your relationship frame and EFA is rock-solid, there’s no big problem with this.
What you don’t want to do is take an FB out and buy her dinner. No, no, no! This is wildly incongruent, will send all the wrong messages to her, and is guaranteed, yes guaranteed to cause trouble with her down the road.
Here’s an objection I hear occasionally:
I don’t agree with that at all, Blackdragon. I like spending money on people. I buy dinner for my guy buddies all the time. I enjoy doing it and I can afford it. I do it for them so it’s fine if I do it for my FBs.
That’s great, but you aren’t acknowledging that you’re not having sex with your guy buddies and your guy buddies aren’t women. If you buy dinner for one of your buds, it’s not going to change the dynamic of your friendship at all. He’s not going to start consciously or subconsciously changing the nature of your relationship, or start asking himself all kinds of emotional internal questions about “where he stands” in your relationship to him.
A female FB will do all of these things. You’re not comparing apples to apples. I’ve bought a dinner or two for one of my guy buddies before, but I have never bought dinner for an FB, and I never will. I don’t want the drama that I know will arise down the road.
Now let’s tackle MLTRs, which are a very different animal. An MLTR is someone you’re actually dating; someone for whom you have romantic feelings and intentions. Spending money on an MLTR within reason is perfectly okay and I do it all the time.
The key here is that while an MLTR is someone you really do like, an MLTR is not your girlfriend. Therefore if you go the standard beta-male-with-a girlfriend route on the spending money stuff, she’s going to assume “girlfriend status” whether you intended it or not, then say hello to all kinds of drama, demands, and/or betaization.
With MLTRs, I will try to have many “dates” be cozy meetups at my house (cost to me: zero). While I don’t like socially awkward women, I do tend to lean more towards women who aren’t extreme extroverts who constantly have to “go out” all the time specifically for this reason: those kind of women tend to cost more money. Don’t get me wrong. I have indeed had MLTRs, even serious ones, with women who were high-extroverts. I’m just saying that I try to make as many “dates” at my place as I can.
When I do go out with an MLTR, I will usually pay. Notice the word is “usually” and not “always.” A general rule of thumb to follow is to make sure your MLTR pays for at least some of the event costs at least 40% of the time. She must understand that you are not her beta boyfriend, and that she must have some skin in the game if she wants you to stay in her life.
Never, ever, ever loan money to MLTRs, give MLTRs any expensive gifts, or purchase trips for MLTRs where you pay 100% of everything (plane, hotel, food, etc) and she pays for nothing. If you want to travel with your MLTR, that’s fine as long as she kicks in for at least some of these costs, as much as her income allows. Otherwise, you’re in for drama, demands, and/or betaization down the road.
I’ve had many trips with MLTRs where she paid for the plane tickets and I paid for the hotel. Sometimes I’ve done trips where she paid for her own plane ticket and I paid for everything else. Once I did a trip where I paid for both plane tickets and the hotel, but once we got there she was 100% responsible for all costs for both of us during the entire trip (all food, all events, all taxi rides, etc). All of these variations are fine; come up with one that works for you. Bottom line, she needs to know that you’re not her boyfriend or sugar daddy.
An MLTR isn’t your girlfriend, but an OLTR is. As such, there are no arbitrary limits upon when and how you can or should spend money on her. Technically, you can spend all the money you want on an OLTR, but there are two catches to this, and they’re big:
1. If you’re spending more money on her than you would an MLTR, then your relationship skill, confidence, outcome independence, Alpha Male frame, and open/poly EFA must be absolutely, 100% rock-solid at all times. If you are spending lots of money on your OLTR and you show even the slightest crack in any of these areas, you’re in for (again, say it with me) drama, demands, and/or betaization.
These frame aspects are always important, but they’re slightly less important in an MLTR if you’re following the above guidelines and not spending a bunch of money on her. If you’re spending zero or little money on her, you can actually screw up your frame or EFA a little and it won’t harm you much. She knows you’re not her “boyfriend” because you’re not spending money on her like that (and you’re having sex with other women, only seeing her once a week, and all the other usual rules).
But if she’s an OLTR and you’re showering her with money and never asking her to contribute to your relationships costs, if you crack even 1% on any of that stuff, you’re in for some shit. Think of it as a scale: the more money you spend on a woman, even if she’s an OLTR, the less margin for error you have on everything else you do or say with her.
2. She must have a very long track record of low-drama behavior and low-provider needs for 6-12 months with you before she becomes your OLTR. One of the most commonly ignored pieces of advice I give is to never, ever make any woman your OLTR until you’ve been seeing her as an MLTR for at least six months; 12 months is better.
The reason for this is that just about any woman can be a low-drama, low-maintenance, sex-positive sweetheart for two or three months. Women are very, very good at being sweetheart sex kittens for the first few weeks/months in any relationship. But after about three months, the real woman will start to shine through as she gets more “comfortable” with you. You really don’t know what the hell you’re dealing with until you’ve been with a woman consistently for 6-12 months.
If after twelve months she’s still awesome, you’ve probably got a keeper.
If after two months she’s still awesome, I’m sorry to say you still have no idea what you’re dealing with. Give her another four months at least, then you’ll see what she’s made of, and whether or not she can “handle” you spending money on her without her starting to take you for granted.
What About When Living Together?
I know I’m going to get questions about this, but how to handle the issue of when to spend money on a woman when you’re actually living with her full-time (live-in OLTR or OLTR Marriage) is far beyond the scope of this article. This is because co-habitation introduces a slew of complicated and usually unfair financial and legal issues you’re going to have to pre-plan for and navigate through. I cover all of these areas in extensive detail in my books and ebooks, so go there for more detailed information on that.